Relationships
bekscarver
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I crazy?
I've never done anything like this before, so please bear with me. I find myself doing a lot of things I've never done before these days...
My marriage has not been going well. We have seen a counselor. We've had a number of serious talks. But a lot of things have been said and done that make me feel like I can't trust him. He works out of state for approximately 16 days every single month (in one chunk) and is often out of town for up to 20 depending on other social obligations he participates in. This, obviously is not a good place to be if you have trust issues.
I want to preface this by saying, I have a long and depressing history of dating men who are liars and cheaters. And I really, really wanted to believe this man was different. I guess I still want to believe that. It just gets harder all the time. Here are the three things that cause me the most trouble:
1) A long and difficult conversation in which he admitted that he misses "chasing girls" (his words), and that if it weren't for the idea of me also being with other men, he would definitely want an open relationship.
2) An incident in which I urged him to go out of town for a "boys night" with some friends to see a UFC fight. They left the fights early, and I didn't hear from him again until noon the next day, despite repeatedly trying to reach him, and his phone being on (iMessages being delivered). When he came home, he had a hickey/love mark/(whatever you want to call it) on his neck. When I confronted him about it, he first said "there is a part of the night I don't remember. But I know I went to bed alone and I woke up alone." He later told me that one of his friends said that he got into a car with a girl he didn't know and that she was sucking on his neck, but that the guys got him up to his room alone. And that he had no memory of any of this. He insisted that I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion and that I was being crazy for being so upset about it.
3) I am ashamed to admit that I did the thing I have always believed is stupid and no one should ever do, the thing I have never done, and I looked at his messages on LinkedIn. Yes, that's stupid, but it's the only social network he uses [even though he used to use facebook and often posted pictures with his ex girlfriend] — and he is on it several times a day and uses it to message with people. I checked it because it showed up in my news feed that he had a new connection with this beautiful woman from where he used to live. Anyway. There were many messages back and forth and it turns out it's a girl he used to sleep with. The messages were about how unhappy he is, and how much he misses her, and what a wonderful person she is, and how he hopes to get a fresh start soon.
After I finally admitted to seeing those messages, we had a serious fight. Mostly about how wrong I was and how I had broken his trust.
So now, we are at a crossroads. We have decided to either get serious about our relationship, or get out of it. He has often thrown it in my face that we are not legally married (at my request) and that I got an IUD. I am open to the possibility that both of those may have caused problems in our relationship. I had the IUD removed. I'm still terrified of getting legally married (for a second time), but I'm open to it. He always throws it at me like a grenade when we fight, but when things are going well, he never asks if we can get legally married. I guess if I felt like he really wanted to... if he ever asked when we weren't fighting... I would probably feel differently about it.
Anyway. So long story short... he went to a social event last night, and did the thing he always does. Basically is unavailable for the duration. Which I feel like I would be okay with, if I trusted him more. The bottom line is... I just don't.
So I keep asking myself, and I ask you —
Do I trust him? Do I trust him enough to move forward in the relationship?
SHOULD I trust him?
Am I really as crazy as he makes me out to be? Or am I justified in having been upset about these things?
What would you do?
One of the things I have always believed in is getting honest feedback from an unbiased party. Especially in relationship troubles I always feel like it's wrong to ask your family because they don't need to know about every hurt your spouse caused you if you stay together. And friends, exes, and those with whom you have other romantic history will always take your side because they have more invested in their relationship with you than your relationship with your spouse.
For the records, I have seen a counselor, and have hear her opinion both about my husband and about our relationship. I just would like to get a few more opinions.
Thanks.
bek
Re: Am I crazy?
He has you believing that the problems are all your fault and has you questioning yourself whether you should trust a man who made out with someone else. If you looked at this from the outside, you'd be quick to say, "What?! No! Stand up for yourself!" But when you're in the middle of it, especially when it's someone you love, it's hard to distance yourself enough.
A lot of this sounds like how I felt with my XH, and it wasn't until after we split up that I started to realize how much he controlled me, criticized me needlessly, and made me question myself. Pleeeease seek individual counseling, and start thinking about moving on. You deserve to be happy and this guy is keeping that from happening. Even if you love him, sometimes love isn't enough.
I agree with your counslor that you should do some independent sessions. You said it yourself that you have trust issues due to past relationships. You need to deal with those issues & whatever issues that may come up to help you have a healthier and happier future be it with your husband, by yourself, or with someone different in the future. Until you deal with the past, you won't be able to move forward. That being said, I think he needs independent sessions too to help figure out his owns issues. Then couples sessions to help discuss your marital issues and as you figure out your own individual issues some of the couple issues may get cleared up. And when I say cleared up, I mean coming to a decision on if your marriage can be saved or if your better off just parting ways.
Has he done things to cause you to be worried, yes, but you aren't being fair in your own right. You said it yourself that he feels like he is being punished for sins of those in your past. Again, I'm not saying staying with him & forgive him, but that just proves until you deal with the issues of your past, you won't have a healthy relationship with anyone going forward.
You (along with me, and the vast majority of sane adults) do not agree that this is acceptable behavior for an adult in a committed relationship. It is because you do not agree with them, that they think you're crazy. You are not. You simply have a higher (and very reasonable) standard of how a grown man should behave in a marriage (legal or not).
Even though for you, that piece of paper didn't mean much, it is possible that it's absence weakened your bond in his mind.
If you want your relationship to have a chance, you must address the difference between your viewpoints on acceptable behavior, and come to an agreement on how the marriage should be handled from here on out. If you do decide to proceed with your relationship, it will require a LOT of cooperation, and 100% willingness on his part to earn back your trust. Because your past aside, HE has done a lot of things to cause doubt in your mind.
I know that when motivated, people can create great changes in their lives, so I honestly hope I'm wrong, but from what little you've said, I doubt he's up to the task. If he's not willing to make it work - then there isn't a thing in the world you can do to change his behavior. It's either leave him, or become his doormat while he continues to act like a frat boy.
Either he is cheating or he has it on the mind and he intends to act on it in the near future.
You also do not trust him.
He also communicates like a 6 year old.
You are not legally married? You've got your work cut out for you, then -- unless you own property or assets with this guy, you are free as a bird to pack up and just go. No divorce, no waiting for him to get served, no nothin': just go.
Give him his "fresh start" and make it yesterday. UGH --- he also cannot communicate, he's childish when he fights and he more or less manipulates the fights and 'blames" you for being suspicious.
Get rid of him --- and I don't get why you had "just a ceremony."
Counseling for you is a great idea; you need to break the cycle of dating men who are harmful to you.
How unhappy he is?
Bully to him. Like I said, make his "Fresh Start" happen yesterday --- get rid of him and get out of there today.
You've already been divorced?? Didn't you get counseling after that marriage ended?
You had a ceremony (?) for all the wrong reasons.
Pack up and go. You don't need this bum.