My sister is an overprotective and controlling parent. How can I help?

Re: My sister is an overprotective and controlling parent. How can I help?

• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  mashley80 said:

  Hi everyone,

  I came to this forum to get some advice.  My sister has 3 children, ages 12,10, and 9.  The youngest is my nephew ( the only boy) and my sister is extremely protective over him to the point where it's affecting her health and his social skills. This is a long story, so I will try to be brief and to the point

   My sister has always been protective over him.  I think this came about when he was a baby and he got a fractured leg and was in the hospital with RSV.  Two years ago, he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This didn't help the situation at all. She does not allow him to spend any time alone without her around.  She will not let her husband help manage his insulin or teach any of us how to help.  She has to be in control. Recently, she pulled him out of public school because he hates it and she was not happy with the staff managing his insulin.  She is now homeschooling him. He never has had any friends, nor has he ever ordered for himself in a restaurant.  My sister does everything for him. He has been conditioned not to speak for himself.  My sister mentioned that my nephew said that he does not like his life, but she blamed it on his diagnosis.
  
  

  My parents and I are not sure how to help, we are thinking about bringing or suggesting family counseling for them, or doing an intervention. We see how much this is affecting my nephew and their grandson.  My sister can get offended pretty easily, so we are worried about being cut off. My brother in law let's my sister run the house, so he does not speak up for himself.  I am worried about my nephew's future.  Any advice would be appreciated.

  None of this is good, especially the part where she will not let her spouse help with any insulin regulation. Suppose the child has an insulin crisis?
  
  If you are this leery over what is happening, I'd call CPS. I'm not kidding.  Or at least visit one of their offices and tell them what you told us. That home with the way your sister runs things is not good for your nephew.
  
  If you suggest she get counseling for the family it isn't likely she will not go for the idea --- she will not cooperate, if you suggest it. My guess is she'll have an implosion and then an explosion and then the shit will hit the fan.
  
  It very well could be she has an emotional issue but only a professional can make that diagnosis.
  
  Wishing you luck. Let us know how you do.
  
  
  

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• mashley80 member

  

  November 2014

  Thanks.  She is already so stressed out all the time with managing his insulin, that calling CPS would maybe be the breaking point for her.  Overall, she is a loving parent, she just is WAY overprotective with her youngest. She would put him in a bubble if she could.  She just does not trust her husband to do much, so it's all on her. You are right though, I cannot make her seek counseling. That's my worry.   

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  mashley80 said:

  Thanks.  She is already so stressed out all the time with managing his insulin, that calling CPS would maybe be the breaking point for her.  Overall, she is a loving parent, she just is WAY overprotective with her youngest. She would put him in a bubble if she could.  She just does not trust her husband to do much, so it's all on her. You are right though, I cannot make her seek counseling. That's my worry.   

  Stop in and talk to somebody from CPS. There has to be a local office. You don't have to give your name.
  
  There is also a social worker. Pretty much ever town and city employs one --- see that person and also tell him or her what you have told us.
  
  Somebody's got to go to bat for this kid. And as I said, your sis may also have an emotional problem.
  
  Hasn't she looked into an insulin pump for him? (if they are not eligible due to whatever reason or American health insurance drags their feet: seek an insulin pump overseas via medical tourism.)
  

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• puppylove2014 member

  

  November 2014

  I think going to CPS would be way over the top here. Not agreeing with how someone is raising their child does not mean it is abuse. CPS needs to be available to those who truly need it, not bogged down by a complaint of an overprotective mother. 

  
  

  Maybe you could approach your sister with the suggestion she talk to someone because she has so much on her plate and it might help her cope. Keep it positive and on the topic of HELPING her. 

  
  

  At 9 your nephew is capable of starting to learn what he needs to do to manage his diabetes. Of course he needs close supervision, but this is just a part of his life, it doesn't need to define him. 

  
  

  I would keep any suggestions geared toward letting her know that yes, this is hard, but he is not the only one and he can have a full, normal life. A support group might help her also. 

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  I had a ton of health issues and public school was far from understanding.  Eventually I was homeschooled, not only because of this, but it was one small factor (and also the only factor my extended family seemed to be able to latch onto- they didn't know or didn't understand the other issues).  That's not child abuse!  I mean, I know for a fact that some family members thought that my mother was being overprotective when she decided to homeschool me, but thank goodness they didn't call CPS.  They've all eaten their words as their children when down slippery slopes and I was a child who had wonderful social skills, never rebelled, went to a top college with a scholarship, got straight A's in college, and then started a successful business.  I thank God for my "over protective" mother who refused to accept anything other than what was best for me regardless of other's opinions.

  
  

  If what you say is really happening, I'd say I wouldn't agree with how she's treating him and letting his disease define him, but that's not child abuse either.  Just because you don't agree with how someone parents, does not mean it's abuse.  You are not his parent and you will never know him the way his parents know him.  Perhaps she is trying to bring him out of his shell, trying to get him to speak for himself, but he is resistant.  You have no idea what's really happening.

  
  

  I agree that it seems like she's over her head.  She may be dealing with issues with her son that you are unaware of.  I suggest broaching the subject that way.  I agree with the coarse of action puppylove2014 suggests.

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  And I'd like to follow up a bit:  My grandparents saw how overwhelmed my parents were and how unhappy and closed off I was and they went to my parents, leaving all judgement at the door, and took the time and the energy to listen and understand all of the problems.  And then they basically said "Something needs to change and we will be there to help you no matter what you decide."  And that's what my parents needed - support.  My grandparents supported all of their parenting decisions, even the ones that went against the grain, and they were always there for emotional support and help.  I became an outgoing, gregarious child again.  

  
  

  My aunt on the flip side, used to pass judgements all the time.  She saw what she wanted to see and nothing else.  I was homeschooled, so of course I had no friends.  Just because she didn't see them, didn't mean I didn't have them- I just kept them away from her because I didn't like her.  She thought my mother forced me to wear childish clothing and bought me apparel when I was still in middle school I wouldn't let my 17 year old walk out of the house in.  She constantly quizzed me to see what I was learning.  She used to tell me I would never get into college or if I did, I wouldn't do well.  All of this made me withdraw from her and I was very quit and distant around her.  I became what she thought I was around her.  That's what judgement does.  

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• Wahoo member

  

  November 2014

  Are there any support groups in her area?  It seems like she has a genuine mental illness / anxiety problem.  Maybe even OCD. 

  
  

  Start by saying that she needs to take care of herself, and offer to babysit so she can spend time with the other kids (also offer to babysit the older kids so she has one-on-one time with her youngest or even with her H).  Be completely willing to learn everything you need to manage his care.

  
  

  If your nephew in school?  Maybe the school nurse can say something to her about his emotional growth?

  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

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• Erikan73 member

  

  November 2014

  I would try to find some local groups for parents of diabetic children. If she is able to see other parents & their leading more regular lives it might help her. Her husband needs to push more about knowing how to do the insulin, if nothing else appeal to her over protective side and say, what happens and you get really sick, or god forbid you end up in the hospital for something and no one else including your son knows how to deal with his insulin.

  From my own experience, seeing kids who basically don't have to think for themselves growing up, you end up with none motivated kids once they are done with school who don't know how to communicate or fend for themselves with anything because they have no life skills. I get why she probably orders for him at resturants because she knows what he should or should eat with his diabeties. Next time you go out to eat with her & she does that, while waiting for your food just ask her "why do you always order Jake's food for him?" Assuming that she says so he gets the right types of food, just respond "Don't you think it would be good to let him try to pick things out & then approve what he picked or help him pick out better options so that way as he gets older he'll be in sync already of whay types of foods are ok to eat and use to ordering the right stuff when he goes out to eat?"

  Basically I think baby steps to asking why she does certain things she does when things happen out of curosity and just then try to offer an option on why it would be good for him to learn how to do things for himself or the importance of interaction with other kids. I know the musuems and parks in our area have programs during the day just for home school kids giving them the chance to interact with other kids. I would suggest sports but chances are she wouldn't allow that. But even clubs at the library or something. He needs interaction with other kids. Maybe there are support groups for kids with diabeties so he can see that there are plenty of other kids like him.

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• mashley80 member

  

  November 2014

  Thanks for the responses.I believe we will suggest counseling. My sister has a Facebook support group, but I do not think that it helps her anxiety.  The main issue is that she treats her son like he is 2, and  is not giving him the social skills to allow him to be independent one day. When we go out to restaurants, she orders for him because he is uncomfortable to talk to the wait staff and refuses to order. He also will not talk to kids his age or even us family members at times.  He just never was able to develop social skills because my sister keeps him to her self. I would be more okay with the homeschooling option if he was put in a sport or activity where he can develop his social skills, but he is not.  

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  November 2014

  mashley80 said:

  Thanks for the responses.I believe we will suggest counseling. My sister has a Facebook support group, but I do not think that it helps her anxiety.  The main issue is that she treats her son like he is 2, and  is not giving him the social skills to allow him to be independent one day. When we go out to restaurants, she orders for him because he is uncomfortable to talk to the wait staff and refuses to order. He also will not talk to kids his age or even us family members at times.  He just never was able to develop social skills because my sister keeps him to her self. I would be more okay with the homeschooling option if he was put in a sport or activity where he can develop his social skills, but he is not.  

  Homeschooling does NOT make you anti social.  In fact, homeschoolers tend to know how to socialize with people all ages better than those in traditional school as they exposed to people of all ages and not just those their own age.  Being homeschooled doesn't mean you are locked in your house all damn day- in fact I was very rarely in my house.  Do you know what they do all day?  Probably not.  

  
  

  But all those points are moot.  It truly doesn't matter if you approve of the "homeschooling option".  It's none of your business and homeschooling isn't poor parents, child abuse, or anything that is any of your business.  You sound extremely judgmental- I'd drop that attitude before trying to help her.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  There are many famous people who don't let a chronic ill ness get them down.
  
  Google Bobby Clarke.
  
  He is still considered to be one of hockey's greatest players.
  
  He was diagnosed with diabetes at 12 and I believe he was pretty public about his illness.
  
  Your nephew would enjoy hearing about Bobby --- he needs to hear positive stories about famous people who lived successfully with their battles against their illnesses.
  
  He was still playing as of 2011 -- see the Wikipedia photo.:)
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Clarke
  
  There are sports other than school sports --- what about martial arts lessons, swimming, recreational sports that your nephew's town rec department sponsors?
  
  It's important to stay active, particularly if you have a chronic disease --- I believe there are studies that show A1Cs and blood sugar levels are more manageable if there is a daily regiment of exercise.
  
  What about things he can join -- Cub Scouts is a good idea. Some type of after school activity that's sponsored by the town -- there's got to be something he can become active in where he can make a few friends -- what about the neighborhood kids? Doesn't he socialize and mix with them?
  

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