SiL has commandeered my brother for the holidays/indefinitely.

Re: SiL has commandeered my brother for the holidays/indefinitely.

• BlueBirdMB member

  

  November 2014

  I could see how you would be disappointed.  I'd steer away from attitude that this is somehow all her fault.  He's a grown man and he has made this choice himself.  He chose to marry his wife and that trumps you as his best friend.  This is how he has chosen to lead his life, and there isn't anything inherently wrong with that.

  
  

  As someone who has been accused by my SIL of stealing her brother, I'm probably more sensitive, but he married her not you.  My husband's sister always thought they were best friends, but my husband never considered her that.  He had tons of issues with his family that he never dealt with.  

  After we met, he told me all his feelings about his parents and his sister and he decided to put some real boundaries in place with them- one of those boundaries was to see them less often because emotionally, that's what he needed to do.  His family doesn't know any of this.  All they see is that he doesn't see them as often and they don't know as much about his life or our lives together and they see that as all my fault.  It was NOT my fault- it was no one's fault.  This was what my husband needed for himself.

  
  

  I could go into the details of this particular holiday circumstance, but I think the underlying issue is this: You need to let go of your brother.  You need to accept him for what he is and accept his wife for what she is.  If you hold resentment against his wife, you will only drive him further away.  I suggest changing your attitude and cherishing the time you do spend with your brother and his wife.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2014

  shibboleth said:

  Brief background: My brother and I are the only children of parents who are still happily married. I live about 3 hours away from our parents, but he and his wife live two states away. SiL's family lives here in Illinois with the rest of us, maybe an hour away from our parents (about 4 hours from me).

  
  

  Brother and I have always been very close friends. We get each other. When he proposed to SIL (a little over a year ago, and they got married in June) I obviously knew and accepted that he would be dividing his time between two families. I have no problem with that. I get it.

  
  

  What's really bothering me, though, is how his division of time spent between the two families... well, he's not really dividing it much, because he never spends any time with our side any more. Maybe it's just me, but if my family and my spouse's family both lived far away from me but close to each other, I would spend time with both if I were making the journey to see one. And this Christmas, he and his wife have taken off a week and a half to come down to Illinois for the holidays, but they're spending pretty much all that time with her family. As I understand it, they'll be spending part of Christmas Eve with my family, but that's it. I'm literally not going to see my brother until sometime next year because I have to work mandatory overtime all week and they can't take a couple hours the weekend before or after Christmas day to spend time with me and my parents because they're too busy at one of her siblings' parties or another. My brother was my best friend, but now it's like he just doesn't have time for me our our family at all because his wife would rather spend time with hers, and he prescribes to "happy wife, happy life" instead of daring to enforce reasonable compromises.

  
  

  I might be more understanding if her siblings didn't all live close to her parents, and she wouldn't see them if she didn't go to every gathering. But as I understand it, her family just really likes parties. It's the same group of people every time, they just gather in a different person's house.

  
  

  I guess I just feel really left out. They aren't spending Thanksgiving with our family so it's just going to be me and my parents, and now it looks like I'm not going to have a family Christmas either because SiL's family is apparently more important. Am I being unreasonable? Blowing this out of proportion? I just feel like my brother has turned into a doormat and I'm left out in the cold entirely. And the fact that the holidays have pretty much just been canceled for me entirely because my brother won't make time for me only makes me feel worse. I see my parents all the time. I never see my brother anymore.

  This is sort of like that ole chestnut that goes "your daughter is yoru daughter your whole life but not your son when he takes a wife."
  
  This is, sadly, a given with some men when they get married.
  
  Why not give him a call and say "Bro, we never see each other anymore; I'd like to be in the loop more often?"
  

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• englishtrish1 member

  

  November 2014

  Your SIL, unless she is a mistress of mind control or has a drug that renders him unable to do anything, has not commandeered your brother. He is an adult, he is able to make choices. That being said, I see no reason you can't tell your brother you miss him, without insulting his wife, her family or their holiday plans. Maybe your SIL doesn't feel comfortable around you guys, maybe he prefers a big family gathering, maybe as pp said your perception of your relationship is not his.

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• Ilumine mod

  

  November 2014

  two questions for you are:

  
  

  1) what have you done in to engage in communication with your brother in the last 3 months? 

  
  

  2) And what activities did your side (your dh and you, your parents as a former nuclear family, and your extended families) plan for this season?  

  
  

  
  

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• puppylove2014 member

  

  November 2014

  I can understand your disappointment. Apparently this is what he wants to do though. Don't blame his wife. You just don't know what he is really thinking, and as pp's have pointed out...you many not want to.

  
  

  Also, this is their first holiday season as a married couple. Who knows what patterns they will end up falling into regarding the holidays. This is just what they are doing this year. 

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• VOR member

  

  November 2014

  Yeah, I can't get on the "It's all the SILs fault!!!!". Your brother is a grown man. ANd I think bluebirds post is food for thought. If nothing else - perception. You have your perception about your relationship w/ your brother and how your family is. He has his. His could be very different.

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  November 2014

  
  

  Look, you are being unfair.  It is'n't SIL's fault that her family has many traditions and like to get together.  It also isn't her fault that you have to work on Christmas Eve, so it isn't like they aren't putting time aside for his family, you just have to work.  That happens.  

  
  

  Besides, roads do go both ways.  So if seeing your brother sometime before the new year is that important to you, maybe you should take a few days and go see him at his home.  

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• Wahoo member

  

  November 2014

  I felt the same way about my sister's husband.  The ratio was 3-to-1 in favor of his family.

  
  

  I think in the beginning my sister went along with what her H wanted because it seemed like it meant so much to him, and his family is great and a lot of fun.  After a while, though, she started spending more holidays with us.  Obviously, something happened to make the switch.

  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

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• shibboleth member

  

  November 2014

  Ilumine said:

  two questions for you are:

  
  

  1) what have you done in to engage in communication with your brother in the last 3 months? 

  
  

  2) And what activities did your side (your dh and you, your parents as a former nuclear family, and your extended families) plan for this season?  

  
  

  
  

  1. We call each other, when we can- I'll call him, he'll call me. He gave me a Skype tour of his new house a couple weeks ago, and showed me his puppy that I haven't met, and he got to meet my lizard, who HE hasn't met. Until recently, we would game together fairly regularly (a few times a month, talking about life + shooting aliens, all in one go) but his Playstation ha kicked the bucket as of around September. We text each other, mostly- our schedules don't have to line up perfectly to communicate through texts. And we both initiate contact fairly equally. Last time we talked was yesterday. He texted me first.

  
  

  2. Our extended family has a single massive gathering on Christmas Eve that most of us generally try to go to but it isn't the end of the world if we don't, but our immediate family is always flexible, celebrating whenever everybody can make it. Conversation, catching up, lots of good food. Nothing rigid... just a couple hours for the family to be together. For the past five years or so, we've rescheduled Thanksgiving and Christmas so Brother and then-girlfriend, now SiL could be here for it without competing for the same dates as her family. We don't want them to have to choose one family or the other, not my parents, and not me. And before now, they've always seemed willing and eager to spend some time with the family around the holidays.

  
  

  I can't take off work to go see them. I don't have the money or the vacation time. Unfortunate fact of life. Which is why I was really hoping to see Brother around Christmas.

  
  

  I really do like my SiL. I don't think she's a bad person or anything. I'm just incredibly confused and hurt why she thinks they shouldn't spend time with our family, and why my brother- who has always behaved as though we were friends, regardless of the apparent suspicions that I'm just a clingy sister projecting things on him- hasn't said or done anything about it. I've asked him, and he just says that his wife has made the schedule and he can't change it. I just don't know. it's a cruddy situation. I want him to understand how I feel if he doesn't already, but I also don't want to be ridiculously overbearing. Which is why I'm here, trying to figure things out. I do appreciate everybody's thoughts on the matter.

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• graciesmurf member

  

  November 2014

  Let go of holidays because holidays suck for everyone.  There is no fair or right way to divide between the two families.  Your Bro and SIL are ONE family now and whatever they decide to do is what's right for their family. 
  
  If you want to see him, call him and say, "Hey, I'd like to see you sometime in Feb/March.  Can you talk to SIL and figure out a time/place that works for you two?"
  

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• VOR member

  

  November 2014

  For the past five years or so, we've rescheduled Thanksgiving and Christmas so Brother and then-girlfriend, now SiL could be here for it without competing for the same dates as her family. We don't want them to have to choose one family or the other, not my parents, and not me.
  
  I could see, too, how this might be perceived by them as inconveniencing you. they may feel like your family holds up the holiday for them, they may feel bad, so they've decided just to say "no" to it.  NOW- of course - that doesn't explain why they aren't making other time for you at all. 
  
  As you and your brother do talk a lot, find a non-confrontational way of asking. "Hey bro, what happened w/ the holidays this year?  We're really sad that we won't get to see you all like we have in the past.  What's going on?" - said in an upbeat, positive tone.
  
  I can remember years ago, my parents would never officially invite us over for certain holidays.  I perceived it as not being invited.  But their intention was to not compete w/ my ILs.  They didn't want DH and I to feel like we had to choose between them. 
  

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• Ilumine mod

  

  November 2014

  Ok, so let me make sure I have read both of your posts correctly.  

  
  

  Your family has always had their TRADITIONAL event on Christmas Eve and will be doing so again this year.   AND your brother and SIL are going to be there for your family's traditional even on Christmas Eve.  

  
  

  And then they will be going to her family's area to participate in the smaller, varied, traditional Christmas events.  

  
  

  And just because you cannot get off Christmas Eve (where you are also not going to be able to see the rest of your family and participate in the family's traditional event) your brother and sil should forgo her families events?  

  
  

  I get that your family is accommodating, but maybe her side cannot be as accommodating.  

  
  

  Should she give up seeing as much of her family as she can just to be able to see you?  I mean, seriously, they live out of state.  This is the one week that they have off to travel and they should hang out and miss 2+ people on her side to get to see you?  

  
  

  I know that I sound harsh here.  But as someone who has lived overseas and had to deal with these kind of decisions for 3 years, I will always default to the traditional party OR seeing the most people, even if that is just 2 people vs the 1.  That doesn't mean that I don't value the one or value the two other people on an individual level more.  That means that I had to make a decision.  

  
  

  If it is so important to see your brother, then why don't you make the effort and go see him at his house?   

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• VOR member

  

  November 2014

  I agree w/ what Ilumine wrote and I went back and read your OP too.
  
  You say:  I'm literally not going to see my brother until sometime next year because I have to work mandatory overtime all week and they can't take a couple hours the weekend before or after Christmas day to spend time with me and my parents because they're too busy at one of her siblings' parties or another.
  
  Does he KNOW this?  That you won't be there?  If not, then TELL him. not in a "I'm butt hurt so let me guilt you into spending more time w/ OUR family" but in a "hey, so, you're coming to Xmas Eve.  That's awesome.  I unfortunately won't be there.  Is there any way we can find some time during the rest of the week to get together?".   Even if it's just lunch w/ the two of you! 
  
  That's where I fully agree w/ Illumine.  It's not THEIR fault that you can't be there.  And you don't know what the limitations are on her side of the family.  There may be people who have to work at bad times too and they're trying to accommodate them too.  But this doesn't mean they have to set HOURS aside so that your entire immediate family can all get together.  They'll see everyone Christmas Eve.  You'll see them (your parents) Christmas Day. 
  
  As far as your brother goes, find a time where perhaps the two of you can get together.  Or he and his wife and you and your DH.  But in trying to force this "we ALL have to get together" - it might be too much for them.  Especially as on THEIR end, they will see your parents.  just not when  you're there too. 
  

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  November 2014

  So there is no way you can see your brother ?  Not for lunch, not for breakfast not even for coffee and dessert ?  You can't even go meet them halfway for a day ?

  
  

  I'm sorry but I have a hard time believing this and still think it is unfair you are putting the burden on them.  They have to come up with some sort of solution to accomodate your schedule, but you shouldn't give themselves or her siblings the same consideration or else she is " commandeering" him.  

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  " I really do like my SiL. I don't think she's a bad person or anything. I'm just incredibly confused and hurt why she thinks they shouldn't spend time with our family "

  
  

  Dude, they are spending time with your family.  They are doing it on Christmas Eve.  Why do you keep saying this ?  They won't see you because you are working.  It happens and is sad, but don't be mad at them because you have to work and again if spending time with them is so very important to you, then look at your schedule and see if there is a way to fit them in, yes even if all you do is go to Starbucks for an hour.  How do you know they aren't thinking the same about you ?  How do you know they aren't thinking " Man we drive 5 hours to visit our families, have all these parties to attend and my sister won't even make the time to see us."

  
  

  Don't put all of the burden on them to accommodate your schedule.  

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• dutchgirl76 member

  

  November 2014

  One piece of advice you'll get from everyone if you ever get married is that you have to split up the holidays. Most families (married couples) do this at the beginning of the year, open a calendar and say husband's family gets X, wife's family gets Y and sometimes, the h&w get a holiday at home in their PJ's to themselves. This is arranged so every family knows who's coming when. This makes it hard for the family to back and say oh we'll change our Christmas plans we've had for 12 months to accommodate one person, everyone else is counting on said couple at another event.

  
  

  With that being said, what time do you leave work? Can your brother and SIL come early or stay late to see you? As PP said, does your brother know your work schedule and understand that you won't be there? 

  
  

  As PP's have said, don't put the burden on your family for your schedule. It's not fair to make them feel bad when they have to travel to see you and your family. I can't imagine your brother and SIL are holding your work schedule against you, even if they work a normal 9-5 M-F they must have times they miss out on fun because of work. Could you visit them another time of year where they live? Spend some non-holiday, no stress time? Is it possible to meet half way, maybe a long weekend in April when there's no other holiday commitments?

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• dutchgirl76 member

  

  November 2014

  Also, please keep in mind the stress on your brother and his wife to travel during the holidays and balance all of their time with both families. Traveling during the holidays is tough with traffic and weather delays. Would you want to leave one event to go to another, eat 2 or 3 meals and spend half of your trip on the road to accommodate everyone or spend the day at home? Again you don't know SIL's commitments, perhaps she has to hit 2 events on the same day to see her family, doesn't make her a bad person just makes her that much busier. 

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