Dealing with my mom

noffgurl · November 2014

I finally found a place to take our dogs to. How do I broach the subject with my mom without her flipping her sh*t?

noffgurl · November 2014

Well, I told her. H and I will keep one dog, Bro will keep one, and she will keep two. This is the compromise I worked out with her. Now, how do I deal with the fact that our relationship is effectively done? It pretty much was prior to this but we were both able to be fake about it but judging from her voice, I won't be coming back from this. There are so many skeletons between the two of us you can't even count them. H and I have to find some sort of home, let's hope we can come up with a deposit before she makes that decision for us.

blondie42107 · November 2014

Did I miss a previous post?

noffgurl · November 2014

I did post before about it among other things. We currently have 13 dogs. No they are not abused and they have plenty of space. However, even though only one of these dogs is H and mine, we get to buy the three-four bags of dog/puppy food each week and needless to say it is a massive issue in this house. In the area we are in it has been 99% impossible to find other homes for these dogs, I found a place today. Mom and I have a huge boatload of issues with each other but my marriage has to come first right now.

blondie42107 · November 2014

Oh my goodness that's got to be a full time job taking care of those dogs! I'm glad you found homes for them.

It's unfortunate that you are having issues with your mom. However I'm a believer that people should remove or limit toxic people in their lives.

Xstatic3333 · November 2014

Wow, noffgurl, I'd forgotten about the pet issue from you intro post! So glad you found them safe homes!

As for your mom, how I would deal with it is by always being the bigger person. Lots of polite phrases like "I won't be discussing this further. Have you tried this bean dip?" which is stolen from TN, but applies in many situations. Get your deposit together (hopefully H will help prioritize this!) move out, and continue to make polite overtures to your mom without bending to her wishes. While you're under "her" roof, follow her rules but only to the extent that they are reasonable (which supporting all those dogs wasn't).

Ex. She's invited to TG 2015 at your new place. She throws a fit because she doesn't like what you're serving. You say "If you change your mind, you're welcome to join us!"

I hope this makes sense. Bottom line, do what's best for you and H, tell her politely, and if she wants to throw a fit it's on her. I know this is easier said than done, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it during the holidays. Just remember, with all of the proactive changes you've been making, things can only get better!

artbyallie · November 2014

So you (and your husband?) live with your mother and you got rid of 10 of her dogs? Never mind that that is too fucking many dogs, it wasn't your choice to make. You could have just told her you weren't able to buy food for hers as well as yours. Or you could have just moved the fuck out in the first place. Why was giving away her pets the answer here?

noffgurl · November 2014

If H and I didn't feed them they would go back to what she had when we first moved down here (20+ with 3 pregnant). At that point the dogs would fight frequently and it would get very ugly very fast. She had them all in a kennel in the back yard, she would dump out 2 bags of dog food over the fence and otherwise just stay in the house. We tried getting authorities involved but they would never do anything. Out of desperation, H put down some of the more feral dogs that were way too aggressive to try to find homes for. We managed to get the number down to five with the agreement that she would get them fixed, let them be in the house once in awhile, etc. We did move out, no one was fixed and she found more on the side of the road, we were back up to about 18 at this point. Again, the authorities won't do anything and she is only home two days out of the week. H and I had to move back in for financial issues, and are once again doing our best to re home these dogs. I know you say it's not our choice to make, but when the number grows to the point that they are killing each other and the authorities won't do anything what would you do? As far as moving out we are working on that but saving money gets difficult when you spend roughly $70 a week in dog food and she and brother have a new excuse each week as to why they can't buy any.

Xstatic3333 · November 2014

Those poor dogs. I'm so glad you found them homes. It's disgusting that animal control ignored you. Hopefully she won't get more again once you move out. Have the dogs actually left yet? It sounds like an awful situation but she probably could still stop the adoption if she really made a fuss.

als1982 · November 2014

Knowing your story, I think you're doing the right thing. In regard to your mom, you might also post on the Family Matters and Relationships boards. The posters on those boards provide good advice, and might be another group who can offer support as you make your way through this situation to find yourself in a better future!

blondie42107 · November 2014

noffgurl said:
If H and I didn't feed them they would go back to what she had when we first moved down here (20+ with 3 pregnant). At that point the dogs would fight frequently and it would get very ugly very fast. She had them all in a kennel in theauthorit yard, she would dump out 2 bags of dog food over the fence and otherwise just stay in the house. We tried getting authorities involved but they would never do anything. Out of desperation, H put down some of the more feral dogs that were way too aggressive to try to find homes for. We managed to get the number down to five with the agreement that she would get them fixed, let them be in the house once in awhile, etc. We did move out, no one was fixed and she found more on the side of the road, we were back up to about 18 at this point. Again, the authorities won't do anything and she is only home two days out of the week. H and I had to move back in for financial issues, and are once again doing our best to re home these dogs. I know you say it's not our choice to make, but when the number grows to the point that they are killing each other and the authorities won't do anything what would you do? As far as moving out we are working on that but saving money gets difficult when you spend roughly $70 a week in dog food and she and brother have a new excuse each week as to why they can't buy any.

I don't know the details but it sounds like your mom might have issues with animal hoarding? It's a real problem and difficult to deal with. I've seen various hoarding issues and legally it can be very hard to deal with - just like you couldn't get the help you wanted from authorities. It truly sounds like you are doing the best you can.

CuriousKiddosMama · November 2014

You are doing what is best for you. Your mom can't keep these dogs- she can't afford to feed them anymore, so you have found a much more humane situation for them. Whoever our troll is that popped out of no-where obviously didn't read your back story, so don't worry about them. As far as that goes, cursing at somebody is highly frowned upon on here, so please remember @artbyallie‌ that that type of thing can get you warned and banned, and I will look at your other posts.

artbyallie · November 2014

vikingsfan711 said:

You are doing what is best for you. Your mom can't keep these dogs- she can't afford to feed them anymore, so you have found a much more humane situation for them. Whoever our troll is that popped out of no-where obviously didn't read your back story, so don't worry about them. As far as that goes, cursing at somebody is highly frowned upon on here, so please remember @artbyallie‌ that that type of thing can get you warned and banned, and I will look at your other posts.

I'm a mod on TK and cursing is most certainly allowed. I am unable to locate any current TOS for TN. In any case cursing at someone is different from simply cursing in general. We are all adults here, are we not? I believe censorship didn't go so well for TN last time around.

artbyallie · November 2014

I am sorry, OP, that I didn't know the full details of your situation. You should still move out IMO and I'm sorry the authorities wouldn't step in to stop the animal abuse.

CuriousKiddosMama · November 2014

artbyallie said:

vikingsfan711 said:

You are doing what is best for you. Your mom can't keep these dogs- she can't afford to feed them anymore, so you have found a much more humane situation for them. Whoever our troll is that popped out of no-where obviously didn't read your back story, so don't worry about them. As far as that goes, cursing at somebody is highly frowned upon on here, so please remember @artbyallie‌ that that type of thing can get you warned and banned, and I will look at your other posts.

I'm a mod on TK and cursing is most certainly allowed. I am unable to locate any current TOS for TN. In any case cursing at someone is different from simply cursing in general. We are all adults here, are we not? I believe censorship didn't go so well for TN last time around.

TB came out with new TOS that I thought was being applied here as well. Pretty much any cursing it looked like could lead to a warning- after 3 warnings you get banned. I haven't been on the mod board here in a while mostly because we have a very quiet board, so I don't have to go there. In general this board does not curse each other out.

artbyallie · November 2014

I did not curse anyone out. I don't typically post on this board in any case, usually just lurk, and the other boards I read don't appear to have mods. I frankly didn't even know TN had assigned new mods, since most of the boards have been pretty dead for years.

I wasn't aware cursing was banned on TB either, but I don't post there and only lurk the Baby Names board.

Please don't go banning me based on past posts. I was genuinely unaware TN apparently has different rules than what I'm used to on TK.

sparklesandcream · November 2014

I'm a lurker, but wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes cutting toxic family from your life is best, good luck to you, and thank you for doing whats best for the dogs.

Dealing with my mom

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