How to spend the holidays now that we are married

angelcc20 · December 2014

(Edit: Realized I should have put this under holiday but don't know how to fix it! oops!)

OK, so me and my husband just got married in June and as we have just finished celebrating thanksgiving I have noticed that we have a few problems. Before I go into the problems I should probably give a rundown on how our family is structures:

His parents are divorced, his father has a new wife and she decides the date and time to celebrate the holidays based on her sons job (so some times it is in the morning, evening, or a different day entirely. etc and doesn't care what time is good for us because my husband is her step son and she never liked him)

His mother never remarried and celebrates on Christmas eve. his parents cant be around each other because they hate each other (long story but it didn't end well there was cheating and they don't get along.)

My parents are still married but my mother is a little crazy around the holidays and hates when I go over and celebrate with them and rudely states that she will not change her Christmas/holidays for anyone. which I say is rude because I didn't ask her to do that (my dad is cool with whatever we do but my mother is used to having it her way. my mother also does not like my husbands mother or stepmother (and this doesn't pertain to her being crazy because trust me they are not a treat to be around for me either)

so on thanksgiving his father happened to have a breakfast for them due to her sons work schedule and we arrived a little late (trust me we got an earful for it) and we had to leave at around noon because my mother would not stop calling and texting saying she needed help because my husbands mother was coming over to my parents house for thanksgiving because she has no one else (but she was also doing this to annoy me because she hates when I go over to either of their houses and does this all the time, she also didn't want his mother to arrive and have to be there with her) which I guess I understand but its hard when everyone is pulling you in every direction.

The only one that doesnt seem to complain is his mother which is surprising because I cant stand her, even though its not such a big problem for me because I am always polite and hold my tongue but she is always trying to get in-between me and her son (like literally in-between like sitting wise!!)and doesn't like it when we hug or kiss in front of her, she always tries to upstage me in cooking, and history knowledge (I am a history major so she is always seeing how much I know! wtf is with that?!) she also tries to have a "who knows my husband better contest" with me. we even went camping once and she shared a tent with us!! but that is enough ranting even though I dislike her (and trust me she dislikes me) I hold my tongue so there is no actual ill will towards each other. its civil.

sorry for the MIL rant but trust me no one told me the biggest problem would be the in-laws!!

so anyway we are getting pulled in every direction and its killing us, we have to run to his father house and than to my parents and while this is happening they are all complaining and now they are trying to get their Christmas times set up and I know its going to be a nightmare!!!

either way we lose because someone will be upset but since we got married young (we are both 23, I don't consider that young but trust me his mother does and doesn't stop reminding us that she didn't want us to get married, she says young but I think in general) all of our parents treat us like children and I am so tired of it. but I do want to spend time with my family and so does my husband. but if my family does not change the times of their holidays while his father does I don't see that we have to go if they are obviously catering to her son and not my husband. if they want to change it for him than why should they make us feel bad if it clashes with what we do every year with my parents and his mother.

so this year his father want us over in the AM and my family celebrates the same time!! what do we do and how do we get them to stop treating us like this! I am fine with going to two places at once but the calling and lecturing for being late and the idea that we have to be there or we are complete jerks is really pissing me off. I wish we lived in another state or they all moved to Alaska! is that so hard to ask

Im just wondering what people who have been married longer than 6 months do for the holidays and how they handled the initial sharing and anger that they got (if they did) from their parents.

englishtrish1 · December 2014

Your parents treat you like this because you allow it. Decide what works for your DH and yourself, make a plan, stick to it.
It will be painful, there will be drama, but set your boundaries and hold strong.
Also when you are a guest in someone's home and you mother is acting like a whiny assed titty baby via text, ignore it, plus don't be late it's rude.

artbyallie · December 2014

Ugh. They sound like no fun and if our families were that mean about it we'd stay home and have our own holidays without them.

VOR · December 2014

Yeah... if you're an adult then act like one. You and Dh sit down and figure what works for the TWO OF YOU. The two of you are a family now and EVERY MARRIED COUPLE has had to deal with this - what you've done your entire life up until now actually no longer matters. The two of you are a unit and figure out what works for hte two of you. If you don't want to run all over town every single holiday, then DON'T.

If it doesn't work for others, then so be it. It's their choice to be rigid and unaccommodating. But to seriously respond to your mother's incessant texts and calls by getting up and leaving in order to appease her...??? You're not proving that your an adult on this one.

Figure out what the 2 of you want. maybe suck it up this Christmas and just get through it but tell everyone that next year, you all will be doing ___. They get upset? LET THEM. You can't control their feelings. But you also shouldn't be kowtowing to them either.

if it is OH SO IMPORTANT to these people to see you, go through a year of doing what YOU want and you might find that the following year, they are acutally more open to change. But just because you say "they won't change what they do" doesn't mean you have to abide by their wishes.

SueBear · December 2014

DH and I ran around like crazy just as you did. It lasted the first Thanksgiving we were married. We tried to "please everybody" by going to his sister's house early, then leaving to attend my family Thanksgiving. Instead of everyone being happy to see us, 1) His sister b*tched that we "ate and ran" without helping with the dishes. 2) My family made snide remarks about us being late.

We started hosting Thanksgiving ourselves, but even if we didn't, we decided the way WE wanted to celebrate the holidays, and let everyone else's schedule fall around that.

Your mom doesn't have to change her Christmas for anyone. She also doesn't have the right to see you on holidays if her schedule doesn't accommodate yours.

Your best bet is to set boundries and make expectations clear. If you won't be able to arrive at Thanksgiving breakfast until later, then make it clear that you will not be on time. In a nice, but firm way "oh, you are having breakfast at 9 am because your son has to work at 1? That is so sweet of you to invite us! Unfortunately, we won't be able to get there until 11 am because of our schedule, but we can't wait to see you!" Don't let them guilt you or make you feel bad (but, be on time if you don't tell them in advance - arriving late for a meal is rude).

Ditto with your mom "You are inviting dh's mom over for dinner! That is so gracious, mom! Please don't invite her over until 3 pm, because we will be at FILs home and won't get out until 1, and I want to arrive at 2pm and be able to help you with last-minute arrangements." Then, if mom blows up your phone at noon - turn it off. Don't show until 2 pm, like you said.

You need to stop wanting to PLEASE other people. Nobody is going to be happy unless they are 100% catered to (except for maybe your dad).

As for Christmas, plan around what YOU want to do (even if it is sleeping in, or going on a cruise and not seeing anyone!). I would make plans for his mom's Christmas eve, then your parents, then if seeing his dad works - see him. If it clashes with your other plans "sorry, we will be at my mom's for Christmas dinner - hope you have a great holiday and we will try to stop by later in the week." The truth is, things have changed and the families have to adapt. Don't argue with them, don't tell them that it's too bad they don't arrange their schedule around you, just be cheery and firm and explain that you won't be doing two Christmas dinners so you will have to see them another time. All of my relatives who did shift work (nurses, firefighters, EMTs) knew what their holiday schedule would be by Thanksgiving.

And - nothing is set in stone! Maybe in a few years it will be too hectic for you to go to MILs house for Christmas eve because you have work, children, other things to do. That is ok!!! You can change it even if "you've always done Christmas eve at our house." You also don't have to run around to three different homes on Christmas (especially once you have kids), so even if there is a Christmas eve dinner, Christmas breakfast/lunch, and Christmas dinner, there is no need to go to all three. Just say "we will be sleeping in" or "we will be spending Christmas dinner on our on" and let your parents, or his parents, make plans without you.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission! No one has a right to your schedule except you and your H!

I will add - I don't blame your mom for not liking your MIL or stepMIL. I would not like anyone who didn't like my child! And I do understand that she doesn't want to entertain your MIL on her own (her blowing up your phone was rude).

puppylove2014 · December 2014

All of what PP's have said. You and your husband need to set boundaries and maintain them. Decide together what you're going to do and stick with your plan. If you don't make it to someone's holiday, oh well. They can't seriously expect you to attend two or three celebrations in a day. And if they do, too bad. You don't have to do what they want.

We alternate holidays. We don't have any problems with it, but both our families are pretty understanding and laid back.

Occasionally MIL makes a comment or two (about wanting to see us more, or whatever) but I completely ignore it. I don't even know if she means them as complaints or if she's just being trying to be nice and get across that she likes spending time with us.

As far as your mom blowing up your phone, leave it in the car. Then you won't know. Tell her you're not putting up with that nonsense anymore...then completely ignore her antics. BUT, do not leave her alone to entertain your MIL alone. She is nice enough to have someone she doesn't like at her dinner, that's enough.

You each need to have a talk with your parents and stick to those boundaries. The bigger issues (your MIL's behavior, your mothers neediness ect...) are going to take time to turn around. H needs to tell his mom to knock it off. You need to do the same with yours. Good Luck!

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

First, you both will have to come to terms that both of your parents are going to be upset with you. That's ok and it won't be the end of the world. I honestly believe that upsetting or disappointing your parents is part of growing up. I have had to do it when I told my parents that we won't be there for Christmas morning anymore and my husband has had to do it too. Trust me, the world will keep on spinning even if your parents are mad at you.

Second, you and your husband are a family too and the most important one, so decide what you both want to do first and schedule around that. So if you both want to have your own little Christmas morning, then so be it. Your families will just have to get used to it.

Third, they act like this because it works. Let me ask you this, if you had a child and bought them a toy every time they threw a fit when you were in the toy aisle, would you be surprised when they keep doing it again and again? No, probably not because throwing a fit works for them and if it works then they will keep doing it. Your mom blows up your phone because it works for her. Your MIL gets away with disrespectful behavior because it works for her. Your stepMIL schedules everything around her son's schedule because it works for her. So if it works for them and gets them what they want, then why should they stop ?

Last, this is your holiday too and you guys are more than pawns through which others get to enjoy yourselves. You can spend your holiday however you please. Yes I said it, you can spend it however you please. So if you guys want to go on a cruise for Christmas, then do it. If you want to go skiiing, then do it. If you want to volunteer at a soup kitchen, then do it. If you want to stay at home, eat chinese food and watch old kung fu movies, then do it. You can do whatever you want. For example, my husband and I decided that going to my sister's house on Thanksgiving wasn't working for us anymore, so we decided to have our own little Thanksgiving just us and our kids. We have been doing that for two years now and like it that way.

Ilumine · December 2014

Figure out what YOU want and go with it.

Though I want to say two things.

1) Once you have children, do you understand how much MORE convoluted and crazy this running around is going to be (packing, unpacking the stuff and doing it all over again to go to the next place).

2) How unfair your schedule is going to be on your children? Heck, how unfair the guilt laying is going to be on your children?

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

Ilumine said:

Figure out what YOU want and go with it.

Though I want to say two things.

1) Once you have children, do you understand how much MORE convoluted and crazy this running around is going to be (packing, unpacking the stuff and doing it all over again to go to the next place).

2) How unfair your schedule is going to be on your children? Heck, how unfair the guilt laying is going to be on your children?

Exactly, I know people that drag their poor kids to four Christmases on Christmas day and they have nothing but my sympathy. They talk about how much their kids hate Christmas but these people are such cowards that they would rather their kids be miserable than have to courage to tell their parents " Sorry, we are staying home."

dutchgirl76 · December 2014

I agree with PP's, this coming January 1 take out the calendar and pick holidays for each family. Tell everyone that day here's what we're doing for the year, give them time to complain and move on. What if you trade off one family gets 4th of July, one gets Labor Day, that way they can't complain they don't get you on "holidays"

If you do plan to have kids some day think hard about what holiday you really want to be home with no travel (I would assume Christmas, but that's your choice) and keep that holiday for you guys now, set the tone. You'll spend more time on the road going from place to place than you will actually seeing your family.

Can you open your home to both families on the day you wish to stay home so that no one can complain they "can't" see you?

angelcc20 · December 2014

I want to thank everyone for your responses! I have decided that we are going to do what we want to do and if they don't like it than they can just be mad at us, I love them and I will not be rude but I don't want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I should not have let my mothers behavior continue on like this but I did not know how to really stop it. I know it might sound stupid or immature when a person asks to be treated like an adult (or some say it proves they are not one) but I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this way with their parents, regardless of age. its almost impossible to say that without sounding like a child but I am still in college so I guess they still see me as a kid to be told what to do. I am going to put a stop to this and all the hassle it causes us. Oh and just for an FYI we did let them know we were not going to be there exactly at 9 the day before but of course it didn't matter to them (She even made a rude comment about it, go figure), and my mom was bugging me to come over 2 hours before my MIL was even scheduled to arrive in the off chance she might show up that early (she had to work so my mother was just trying to get me to leave) So I guess the biggest problems are my mother and his step-mother and my inability to put my foot down because I thought it was the wrong thing to do. Now that I see that others have gone through this and have also had to put their foot down and say that they cant be there at the exact time they requested I feel like I have every right to tell my mother and his step-mother the same thing. I want to enjoy the time I have with my husband not run around to appease everyone, I guess I just needed to see how other people got it done. Thank you @Disneygeek77, you are right, I do think its a part of growing up and the new chapter in my life is also new to them as well and they will have to accept it. It will be hard but I am going to have to tell them that its no longer only their way because I have my own family now and we do come first. I am sure a few days later neither one of them will be mad anymore and if they are...well its not my job to make them happy and if they want to act like that so be it. I want to be happy with my husband and not running around. on a side note: people do all this running around with kids?! I definitely don't want that in my future. better lay the brickwork now!

MarkPuffalo · December 2014

Totally agree with all the PP's.

We also got married in June and my biggest worry was about how we would split up the holidays as I love Christmas and don't overly like spending time with H's family (either does he).

We decided to make our own schedule and stick to it...if it doesn't work for so-and-so too bad for them. I'm pretty lucky that we celebrate on Christmas Eve with my family so we thought the fair split for now would be Christmas Eve and part of Christmas morning with my side then head to H's side for lunch on the 25th and stay for Boxing Day. His mom blew up saying they'll have to wait for us to get there to open presents and it was very rude of us, but we're not changing our plans. It makes the two of us happy and we never said they couldn't open presents until we arrived. Heck, when we were dating and spent Christmas apart, I'd talk to H in the afternoon of Christmas Day and they still hadn't opened presents because according to my SIL, "they aren't children and can wait to open presents". Not very surprising because these people live to create drama out of absolutely nothing. Maybe if they wanted us to be there for more they shouldn't have treated us like shit for the past two years.

End of mini rant...We're both looking forward to having kids and just staying home at Christmas and making people come to us if they want to see us. Hope you're able to have a good Christmas with as little of stress as possible, and stick to your guns!

How to spend the holidays now that we are married

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