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Vent, at the end of my rope with SD
I just need to vent, and hear some grounding advice. My SD is 12 and is a bit of a liar and tends to try to play the poor me card with her father. I try as hard as I can to treat her kindly and sweetly. I had a monster of a step mother growing up so I know what not to do. I'm just baffled, hurt, tired and in need of a little advice. SInce day one the SD and BM had an issue with me; for no other reason then whatever they pulled put of the wind. Its getting to be out of control as of late, SD invited over a boy (she is 12!) when my SO and I were not home. Luckily nothing happened but the crazy hit the fan. Her phone was taken away from her and my SO was looking in it and in her phone im listed as (my name here) dads dick sucker.
wow, great. Nice to know that I went to ALL of her soccer games while her mother went to two. I drove her, (and we live an hour away) to birthday parties and church group. I make sure she has clothes to wear, (her mom has FOUR kids and NO job.) the adult in me knows that she is 'just a kid' and im trying to calm down , but after this (and a lot more) this is just worn me out. I feel like if im not buying her something then im the BAD GUY. im tired of being the bad guy, and at this point all I want to do is take a step to the left and not be anything to her.
Just let me have it, my brain is fried.
Re: Vent, at the end of my rope with SD
Contact your district's child study team for a name of a good child psychiatrist/psychologist.
None of this sounds like tween rebellion or "genration gap" behavior.
Your H needs to be a stronger parent.Sounds to me like he is letting this young lady get away with proverbial murder. he needs to step up to the plate and let her know what is acceptable and what is not.
You feel like you have sto spend and spend?
Let her earn an allowance!
In exchange for doing what she is supposed to do -- help out around the house, get relatively good grades and be a good kid, give her an allowance.: $20 a week should be fine.
Let her learn to save and spend her pennies wisely -- it's also good practice for the future for when she really needs how to balance a budget when she is living on her own.
Let the allowance be contingent upon doing what is expected of her. "Dock her pay" if she breaks rules, gets a detention in school, etc
I didn't just pick him I picked his kids too so I feel like I need to be maybe not apparent to them but a support system.
Unfortunately the amount of disrespect and utter regard for everything I've done for her has been swept under the table and yes I agree some very serious counseling needs to happen for her because I think she is upset about a lot of things . I met her father eight years after her parents started filing for separation so it's not that I took him away from her or her family or her mother even and her mother has already remarried and had a child with the man that she cheated on my husband with.
Yes my husband needs to pull his head out of the sand step up and really be the parent he should. I guess I just feel like I should have some say of what goes on in my own house because the disrespect walks right into the door with her and the attitude and I'm not going out let my son or myself walk around on eggshells because she is angry.
Thanks for the advice it's nice to hear other points of view
It's easy to blame you. She sees her mom struggling and probably has the mind set, that if Mom & Dad were together mom wouldn't be struggling so much. But that won't happen, especially with you in the picture. So if she makes your life miserable then maybe you'll leave & mom & dad get back together. The other thing is that she may be so miserable at home that when she comes to your house that see lets out all her pent up frustration on you. Part of what she is going through is teens but don't just blow it off. You may want to try to find her a good counselor, for nothing else for her to have someone to vent her feelings too that is a neutral party. At that age they go through so many emotions and have a hard time knowing how to deal with them. I'm sure she has things that she wants to talk to someone about but doesn't want to talk to mom, dad or you because you will "judge her & possibly punish her" Having a great counselor helped my niece at that age learn how to deal with her feelings and anger issues. Hopefully that is something everyone can get on board with. Then try to come up with some rules with consequences so she knows in advance what the punishments will be. If you do them in advance & present them to her with Dad and having dad be the one that present them it may make things easier. Also make sure that at least once a month dad & daughter go out together for dinner or ice cream or something. Just so that they get some time one on one time together.
I suggest you put that plan on hold until he can prove he can effectively and firmly and fairly parent his daughter.
If he cannot do that, what is he going to do if you and he have another child enter the picture?
He should make an appointment with child study himself and speak to that person --- if he is at odds how to parent his daughter he can get some good suggestions from that individual.
What I suggest:
Rules!
It is very likely that girl has none at home with her mother.
Start in your home and she is to comply (better than saying obey) with the rules you set --- reasonable ones like:
Be civil to all adults
Be reasonably neat when it comes to her room, cleaning up after herself if she has a snack, etc
Attain good grades in school: they need not be straight As but she certainly has to get a decent passing grade in anything --- and if she is having trouble with a subject, she can come to you and her dad and the 3 of you can arrive at a solution together: there are tutors, etc.
Stay out of trouble in general
Have a decent group of friends -- this means no class cutters, delinquents or kids who get into trouble in school and or with their parents.
She should have no trouble keeping up with a sensible list of 'demands" like the ones I out lined.
Consider the allowance; let it be contingent upon compling to rules you and your H have set.
She sees her mother struggling because her mother has not had a job in ten years. That's right, ever since they separated she has not worked. Not my fault. Her mother had another child a year ago not my fault either, and just to really clarify her mother is living with a man that does drugs in the house and steals from the SD.
Also it's not my job to try and coax my DH to have daddy daughter time. That's on him. Yes he needs some work. I know. Hence us being in therapy for a year.
And while yes I would love another child I will not do so till it's s healthy option for us as a family.
Thanks tarpon for the rules outline , the SD is refusing to come over and spend time so I have no updates to give at this point. Again that's no longer my battle
However rules need to set.
Ladies thanks for the advice I'm might come off a tad feisty today sadly last night my oldest SS got into a car accident and it's been a long night. He is fine so I'm feeling blessed but tired
Also if that was not the case I'm not sure what that would have to do with anything
Furthermore I'm not bashing and I have never talked badly about the bm in front of his kids.
She is lazy they also met at age 15 people do stupid things when they are young it was get married right after school very old school Italian life. He was raised in it and thank God he left that behind.