Family Matters
JulienC
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Very long family issues post
I'm not very close to my family and I never will be but I try my best to keep my son away from my problems with them. However, for me family still comes first even though it's from a distance. I bring him there every so often although I've kept away for the last 3 years since we live in Germany right now and I just haven't made my way back to the states yet. We will be moving back in 2 months though and I would like to see my family but because my sisters are upset with me I'm not so sure if I want to make my way over there even to see my parents. It usually starts with an argument between me and one sister and instead of keeping it between the two of us they'll usually express their distaste for me to my father. This results in him getting very upset with me and blaming me for everything. My father doesn't speak to me or call me or personally send me any mail. My step mom does all of that for him. When I call she'll usually tell me he's asleep or doesn't want to be bothered. We are a blended family and it hurts me to realize that my father puts my step mom and half siblings above me. It doesn't help knowing that my biological mother abandoned me and my biological sister when we were too young to even remember her and though it's never spoken of I know it had a lot to do with my father cheating on her with my step mom (he married my step mom one month after I was born). So the problems were swept under the carpet, my past or where I came from never really talked about other than I should be grateful that my father saved me from having to grow up in Guatemala- the place my biological mother returned to when my father left her. All my emotions I kept inside of me. It wasn't until I left to go into the military that I realized who I was and what I meant to my family. My sisters and I have tried but you know it's just never going to work. I left when I was 19 and joined the military and since then it seems like I have been paying for it. There was a lot of back and forth between my father and I as well as my siblings about all my decisions since leaving such as getting married young and having my son at age 21...things that really shouldn't have concerned anyone since I wasn't asking anyone for money. It seems like I was always defending myself and my decisions and they were always talking about me negatively behind my back. My dad even threw me out one time when I was visiting because I got tired of justifying my decision to join the military (which he hates) and I stood up for myself. He didn't care that my son was in my arms or about the insults he said to me. I 've always come home to visit when I could- at least once a year though it used to be more than that when my son was born. My dad and I just don't click and I assume it's why he avoids communicating with me. He is also not close to anyone in his family and refused to speak to his own mother before her death. He didn't even go to her funeral and doesn't talk to his siblings. Unfortunately, I can tell that my siblings have adopted his way of thinking and I think it's partly why they don't want to associate with me. My half sister still hates my grandmother and though I admit she said some shitty things to us and hardly visited us I don't want to keep on hating on her when she's dead. I realized she was human and the reason she didn't know us is because she didn't have a great relationship with my dad. But at least she tried which is something that my son won't witness from my family. I haven't spoken to my biological sister in 4 years because I confronted her about gossiping behind my back to my family and then I said something really disrespectful to her. I've apologized to her, tried calling her 3 years ago (she told me she wasn't interested in talking to me, and have sent gifts to her girls every Christmas and on their birthdays. My other sister thinks what I said to her was uncalled for (which I admitted was true) but I also explained to her what caused me to say what I said and that I did it in the heat of the moment without really thinking about how bad it would hurt her. Then she tells me my biological sister had told her that I had threatened to tell my parents about a decision that my sister made when she was young which was totally false. Ironically, it was about the same subject that had caused a falling out between me and her. I was shocked she would make up a lie just like that and I never even knew about it until recently. So now I have to wonder what other lies she's made up about me to cover up her mistakes. Then I question why she wants to crucify me for my mistakes (what I said to her) when all along she's been involving me in her mistakes. Regardless, I've realized that I will never mean anything to my sisters because they'll cover up for each other and just paint a black picture of me as well as cry to my father whenever I upset them. I recently upset my younger sister (half sibling) because I told her she was kind of rude to my son and I while she was here and insulted me in my own home. For example, she told me she thought I had bed bugs because she said she went on youtube and looked up army housing and she told me she heard two woman say the commissary on base was a shit hole but then later she changed it to they were just complaining. She made me feel like she thinks pretty low about the Army and anything associated with me. Who goes on youtube to see how the military lives? Yet, she thinks highly of the Navy because our cousin is stationed in Washington D.C. and she's close to him. She gushes about how he married a rich woman and how beautiful it is but Germany I guess wasn't good enough. Also we disagreed about what family means. She told me my father doesn't believe that blood makes you family and it's how she thinks too which is fine and I respect that to a degree but then why did she make the trip to Germany to see me if she really doesn't like me? Also, I had offered her a place to sleep at my house for the week she was here but she declined. Instead she stayed an hour away which forced me and my son to stay at a hotel and fork out just as much money as she did coming to Germany just so I would be able to be with her.I could have told her I couldn't afford to stay at a hotel but she's my sister, I wasn't going to just leave her hanging in a country she's never been to before. So I made an exception and met her half way. I always thought if someone says they want to see you and are coming to visit they meet you where you live. It seemed to me she was coming to see Germany not me. She spent two nights at my place but she didn't look very comfortable here and then we got into an argument which resulted in her threatening to leave by nearly walking out and me telling her that I wasn't going to drive her back to the hotel pastt midnight. She wanted me to tell her right then and there what she had done to me as of 2014 and when I replied that she makes me feel like shit she didn't like it so she almost walked out. I had to plead with her to stay and remind her that my son was upstairs sleeping and expecting her to be there the next day. She just looked at me and shrugged her shoulders like she could care less. The next day we pretended as if nothing happened although I was pretty hurt. If I would have said anything more about it she would have left and I would have felt like crap. Regardless, she did come all that way to see my son and I in Germany so I decided to let it go. However she and I (mostly I start it) have gotten into the habit of going back and forth and expressing ourselves by email. I admit that I am mostly guilty of this I think partly because she won't allow me to speak it to her face. So I brought up the past and told her that when we come to visit I'd rather stay at the house because I don't want her getting mad at my son and just walking off like she did while she was here. Also, I had asked her if she could ask my sister if her two girls could come to our parents house so that my son could see them. She sent me a message telling me she'd try but that it is my sisters choice and not to be surprised if she didn't come. So I asked her if she knew if my sister was still mad at me and she replied she didn't know. I asked her if she was being honest with me because I had a feeling she wasn't like in the past when I asked her if my sister had just had a baby and she refused to answer me (nobody even told me she was pregnant.....I figured it out on my own). Then I expressed to her how my son is getting mixed messages because my sister sends him gifts for Christmas and on his birthday and that it would be a slap in the face if she didn't even show up to say hi to him because she doesn't want to see me. Also, she finally sent me a picture of the girls last Christmas and even wrote me a note. I wrote her a note back and thanked her for sending me the pictures and mentioned we'd maybe stop by when we return to the states. However that was it. We haven't talked to each other since and I don't want to call her because I don't want to get rejected. I realize I put my half sister in the middle by asking her to get involved. Needless to say we exchanged some words and now she doesn't want to talk to me period. She said she's done trying with me. I believe her too because I've seen her do this with other family.Plus I apologized to her and asked her if she will be home if I stop by on a Sunday and she ignored me. A part of me still wants to go see my step mom because she does send gifts to my son and she really hasn't done anything to upset me (other than she never calls or told me my sister was having a baby). Then again, I don't know what my half sister tells my family and if my father hears that I am involved in another fall out with my sister he may tell everyone to ignore me which has happened in the past (and they listen to him). Please no rude comments (I know I am a part of the problem if not the problem and it is my fault). I know I shouldn't have asked my sister for any favors and that I should have known better but I guess I just felt that if it was the other way around I'd do anything for them so I expected her to at least do that for me. I guess what I'm asking is what would you guys do if your sisters didn't care for you but seemed to somewhat care for your child? And if one sister maybe would allow you to see her kids but wouldn't show her face to you or your child would you be ok with this? My sister asked me why it wasn't good enough just to see the kids and I told her that it kind of just puts the kids in the middle and that I would have to explain to my son why his other Aunt didn't want to come. He's getting mixed messages because on the one hand she's sending him gifts and he asks to see her but then nobody knows if she'll show up when he's there. Now my half sister won't be showing up so I don't know....please just tell me if there's anything more I can do. I don't think there is other than shut my mouth and never express my feelings when I'm around them even if they are being rude.
Re: Very long family issues post