Family Matters
Dmroberts16
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What to do???
I'm at a loss here....to make a very long story short.....
I've been married for almost 21 years. When I first married I had a daughter from my previous marriage that only lasted 7 months or less. My daughter is now 24 and her and my husband don't get along at all. My husband helped raise her since she was 2 but now he can't stand her. He was very strict on her while she was growing up ( I think too strict ) and I didn't have the guts to stand up to him like I should have but it's in the past now. My husband doesn't like her boyfriend at all and husband doesn't want my daughter at our house and he gets mad at me when I go see her ONCE a week for 30 minutes on her lunch break. Today was the day I go see her and he called me about the same time and he got angry I was there seeing her. He is still mad now and has went to bed without speaking to me. I'm at my wits end and just don't know how to handle this.
In your opinion am I wrong for just blowing my husband off to visit my daughter on her lunch when my husband doesn't approve??? Stupid question I know but I want some outside advice.
Pleas give me your advice. I know I didn't give a lot of info but it's such a long story I didn't want to bore you all with it. Any and all advice would be much appreciated! Thanks in advance!!
Re: What to do???
TTC since September 2012
The fact that after he's been in the picture for 22 years and basically raised her and it's all "My" daughter vs "our" daughter - it's pretty telling.
I would like to know exactly why he wants nothing to do with her and why he doesn't want to see her and doesn't want you to see her either.
But unless there are some REALLY compelling reasons why he's cutting her out of his life - all I really can say is:
This is your DAUGHTER. Your CHILD. If you have to choose between the two, I'd damn well hope you'd choose her.
I also wonder, since he was so strict w/ her and now seems to feel he has the right to dictate to you who you will and won't see, how controlling he's been over the years and in what other ways he's been like this with you. I doubt this is all really new behavior. It's just that's he's actually finally picked something that is too much for you.
I guess I'm wondering why your husband gets to tell you what to do.
Your husband was "too strict" (read: controlling) with your daughter. Now your daughter has grown up and doesn't have to listen to him. So now he wants nothing to do with her, and is controlling the only one left in the house - you.
Let him be mad.
If my H ever started pulling hissy fits with me when I told him I was visiting my (our) kids, I'd tell him to stuff it, and if he didn't like it - don't let the door hit him on the way out. I would also remind him that it is my house too and my kids WILL be coming over.
Now, I usually don't TELL my H "this is the way it's going to be" (after many IL issues, annoying relatives on both sides), we DO work together when dealing with difficult people, but this is one issue where I would stand up and tell him NO.
If there is more to this story (for example, your daughter was using drugs in your home, or her boyfriend has a police record), then I'd reconsider my advice. As it is, you married a controlling a-hole who is now trying to manipulate you with his "anger."
Peacefully and unconfrontationally sit down and discuss this together.
He's got no right to give you the silent treatment --- he may have another issue altogether and somehow this mess with your daughter got used as an excuse to shut you out and be a jerk about it.
They do not get along? They can BOTH be civil to one another! There is no requirement they kiss and make up and be best friends, yanno!
Why didn't you have this concern about 18 years ago? Horse is kind of out of the barn here.
As you all had a child together, I do understand why you stayed and tried to make it work.
But now, at this point? Your DD is an ADULT, as are you. Nothing else in what you said changes my take- your DH sounds like a controlling ass. I'd REALLY love to know more why his ex wasn't agreeable about allowing visitation w/ his DD. Based on how he was w/ your DD - that might be very much in line as to why his ex pretty much ran away.
I agree with Wahoo - he used to control your DD. Now she's gone, so he's trying to control you.
I want to say "confront him/ stand up to him" - but he's not going to change. That's what you have to realize. This is WHO he is, through and through. STay with him and have this be an issue forever more (and heck, could even get worse if you continue to 'betray' him by seeing your DD) or leave him and finally live your life for yourself and have a relationshpi w/ your DD w/o the burden of "how is DH going to react?".
I agree with the PPs. Your husband is super controlling and you need to make it clear to him that he is not going to get in the way of your relationship with your daughter. If he doesn't like it then too bad for him, he can leave. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and because of this loss you should work hard to keep the relationship with your daughter because she is all you have left.
Your husband will not change and the fact that his ex kept herself and their daughter away from him is proof that there is something wrong with him that is not right for father/daughter relationship.
I hope you find a way to get out of this situation because I know it must feel terrible for you.
Don't feel sorry for venting, that's what the community is for. We vent, we get advice and we either follow it or we don't.
I know some of the advice might sound harsh, it's just that some of us are strong and would not deal with behavior like that from our SOs. You are not doing anything wrong and he should not get in the way or treat you like this because you see your daughter. I would prefer to live alone than to live with someone that makes me feel alone all of the time. But if you feel you need to be with him go ahead and be with him but don't let him ruin the relationship with your only living child because that's YOUR daughter and keep it up, don't give in let him make the effort so that he sees he is in the wrong.
If he wants to make this a "her or me" situation, tell him to pack his bags. He needs to learn that you and your daughter are adults, and he doesn't get to be the fascist dictator of your family. Marriage is about compromise and working as a team, not dictating what your spouse can and cannot do and then punishing her with silent treatment.
Also, your daughter has done NOTHING to deserve the way he treats her. And honestly, you owe her an apology for allowing your husband to behave in this way towards her. I can't imagine it's been easy being your daughter through all of this. Apologize, and then tell her that you will no longer allow your H to behave this way, and you will not accept him controlling your relationship anymore.