What Would You Do?

noffgurl · December 2014

So mom left me $60 to renew her vehicles registration. I have the time so no biggie there. On the other hand, rumor has it that any outstanding toll fees and tickets must be paid up before you can register. The reg was up in November so it will already be late. Right now the tolls and tickets stand at around $270. Mom says she will pay but she has been saying that for months and they keep tacking on late fees and not a single penny has been paid. H and I have the money in our savings account so I am thinking of just paying it for them today as a Christmas present. H feels that my brother should be the one to pay these since he is the only one that drives that truck and I agree with H but I know my brother will never do it. My brother couldn't care less what H or I or anyone thinks and has been refusing to pay since the bills started arriving because he claims he doesn't have the money. H and I call b*llsh*t because brother managed to buy himself a little mustang and a salt water aquarium with exotic fish. I have tried pushing mom to light a fire under brothers *ss but she just won't do it because of everything he has been through in the past couple of years. H and I pay all of the bills except the mortgage which mom pays so brother pays a total of $0 except for maybe food that no one else is allowed to touch (even though he has no problem eating ours). This is a huge source of fighting for H and I because H says we just shouldn't pay any of the bills and let things get shut off and make brother figure out how to get them back on. I think this is the most ridiculous suggestion because frankly I don't want to suffer for what brother is doing. Brother is paying child support but when my niece is with us mom or I pay for any clothes, toys, food, etc. that one I don't mind because brother doesn't have any sense and if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself which just pisses H off. Anyway, I am supposed to do the registration on my lunch break today and I am thinking I will just pay everything but I don't want to cause another fight with H.

missmiss307 · December 2014

I'm not familiar with your family/living situation (I'm new to the MM board), but it sounds like you might be enabling your brother by continuing to bail him out of situations like that. If he's the only one driving that particular car and it doesn't impact anyone else, I would tell him to deal with it himself.

CuriousKiddosMama · December 2014

Is this going to set you back on moving out? If so I would give your mom the $60 back and tell her you didn't have time today. Unless you have the cash to throw away on the tickets and fees, I would let it go. It's not your vehicle, it's not your problem. Let him get pulled over and arrested for not being current and the fees, then maybe he will start to realize that his actions have consequences. If you pay this for him you are just enabling his bad behavior.
Harsh, maybe but you aren't in a position to finance his bad behavior. Especially if this will set you back on your goals. And $250 is probably 1/4 of your security deposit you need.

als1982 · December 2014

I agree with your husband (to an extent). You need to stop enabling your family members. You are broke and trying to take some positive steps towards making your life better and improving your financial situation (and marriage). You need to save your money and pay down your own debts instead of your mom and brother's. Paying these tickets in reality helps no one. Do not do it.

Xstatic3333 · December 2014

I agree with the others. $250 is a huge Christmas present, even for my present-crazed family. I would not do it.

brij2006 · December 2014

I would not pay for the fee's. That is just enabling your brother to continually get away with no responsibility, and your mom to continue having you help her out.

Keep the money in your savings. It isn't your responsibility to take care of them. You need that money to save up and move out.

noffgurl · December 2014

The suffering I mentioned was for the utilities that H is fine with cutting off. We have money set aside for an apartment, we are just waiting on approval right now. If we get approved we will be moving in the beginning of January. I just don't want to be a b*tch that just up and leaves. I don't know, I guess I just feel bad for leaving my mom with my brother who I know won't pay anything. I don't want these things dinging her license since the vehicle is in her name and with a CDL you have to be really careful.

brij2006 · December 2014

^ All of that is her own problem. She knows that she is not making your brother pay for anything or have any responsibilities. She knows what she's doing and that it isn't going to change unless she makes it change. That is not your problem at all. You need to do what is important for you and your H right now. What's important is your lives and your marriage. Not enabling your family to continually shy away from responsibilities.

hoffse · December 2014

Agreed. You're a nice person, and unfortunately you seem to get dragged in the middle of this stuff on a regular basis. Because you're a nice person, you feel bad for not helping out. I get it. But PP's are correct - continuing to bail them out does nothing but enable that behavior going forward. IIRC from your very first post, your mom absolutely has the income to pay these fees herself if she doesn't want to make your brother pay. She's an adult and it's her decision/business how she handles it - not yours.

I also agree that $250 is a HUGE Christmas gift. That's way more than we spend on our family members, and we don't have the same kind of issues with them as you have been having with yours.

Keep that money in your savings account. You will probably need it when you move out. You will also probably find that your marriage improves if you put your foot down with your family about these sorts of things. I would bet that your husband has been watching this and just really doesn't like that you continue to bail your family members out. You guys don't have the resources to do it, and that could lead to a lot of resentment on his end. I wouldn't blame him if that's the case.

Xstatic3333 · December 2014

I completely agree with bri and hoffse. Stick to your guns, your mom has the resources to figure this out. I'd probably tell her straight out about the fees in case she wants to tackle it with your brother.

hoffse · December 2014

One other thing - even if you do decide to pay the fee, PLEASE do not surprise your H with that. Honestly, I'm not his biggest fan from some of the things you've described previously, but it's not fair to him to do that.

My H and I have a rule about purchases - other than groceries/gas, we talk about anything that's over $50. Realistically, we talk about most things that are over $25. That's because we view our money as "ours" and we both have a right to know what is happening to it. Even couples who keep finances separate have an interest in each other's money - at the end of the day you are building your household together, and large expenses should generally be a mutual decision. You guys are going to rise and fall financially as a single unit - so that $250+ does actually affect him, even if it's coming from your bank account.

noffgurl · December 2014

Thank you all for the feedback. I talked to H about it and he pretty much said what you said. Now comes the hard part of telling them no.

Erikan73 · December 2014

Your enabling their poor financial behavior, don't pay the fees. They need to learn to stand up on their own. And don't put your & husbands financial goals on hold to bail out mom & brother.

blondie42107 · December 2014

I wouldn't pay this either. I would simply say that you don't have the money to pay all the extra fees. Just because you have an emergency fund, doesn't you should use it. This isn't your emergency.

brij2006 · December 2014

I don't remember if I've recommended this to you before or not, but I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It will give you a better understanding on how and when to say "no" to family and friends. No is a word that is okay to say and many more people need to hear. It sounds like that is the case with your family. You just need the strength to say it more often.

lifeonthehill · December 2014

Just chiming in here that I would never pay these fees based on your situation. If my mom hit a one time snag and needed help then yes. Sadly these snags are consuming your life. Also if H made a money deciesion like this against my wishes I would have to hold myself back for that conversation. We bust our backs for the 40k a year we pull in and I would be devastated to see any of it go to something we didn't agree on first.

I hope you everything goes smoothly and you get approved soon! It would be great for both of you to get out of that house and into your own space.

dragonstarjk · December 2014

If he's the only one using that vehicle, no way should you pay the fees. If it was for your mom's benefit, then maybe, but since it's for the brother, no way!

Sounds like you've already decided the same thing, but thought I'd throw in my two cents. You have been struggling to get money saved up and now you are considering using the little amount you've saved to bail somebody out who is unappreciative and keeps dragging you guys down.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, I just know the reality of being surrounded by family who will suck you dry if you don't put your foot down. They need to start becoming responsible for themselves like you are trying to do.

noffgurl · December 2014

Glad I didn't spend the money earlier I just blew a tire. Does this qualify as instant karma?

als1982 · December 2014

noffgurl said:
Glad I didn't spend the money earlier I just blew a tire. Does this qualify as instant karma?

That sucks. I am so sorry. Keep your head up!! Sending good vibes your way!

vlagrl29 · December 2014

Sorry about your tire, but it is good you didn't spend the money - you never know when you need it.

My cousin is always asking my grandma who is 82yo for a money hand out and he is 43! I don't get it. She totally enables it though by giving him money. I don't know anyone that goes thru $$ as fast as he does.

Erikan73 · December 2014

It's not Karma, it's life saying "make sure you take care of yourself because you don't know when you'll have an unexpected expense."

Sisugal · December 2014

You need to tell your brother to grow up and take some responsibility, starting with paying for the use of your mother's vehicle. Paying the tolls, tickets and registration is a good start.
Then STAY OUT OF THEIR FINANCIAL ISSUES.
"Sorry, I really cannot help you" ---- repeat as needed. No need to explain your decision.

What Would You Do?

Re: What Would You Do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards