My father has messed things up

Indigo119 · December 2014

Hi, I've just joined to as I needed someone to understand.

Yesterday as I was going to work, I told my father specifically 'not to clean my room'. When I came back after work he cleaned my room and he totally messed things up:

1) I had new clothes in my wardrobe which I put the clothes in a neat pile/tidy order which he then put other old/dirty clothes with these clothes, thus dirtying those clothes! I'm a clean freak.

2) MORE importantly, I had dozens of papers laying on top of the shelf, cupboard, drawer chest, even floor and these were put in order so I can remember where I put them and link these papers up with my university studies. MY father went on the throw these IMPORTANT papers in the bin! YES, IMPORTANT PAPERS, DOCUMENTS which he didn't even realize! He flogged papers all over the place! These are university exam papers, documents, invoices from business's, business plans. He's disorganized everything and I've lost a few very, very important papers.

Also. some of the papers I've written has been a lifetime worth of research and he's just made me lost those important papers.

As I got home, I reacted bad, I shouted at him and got very, very upset, because important papers are lost, he purposefully or even accidentally put important papers in the bin, everything is messed up........

HE NOW says I don't care about him and care only about university and business.....BUT my future is important

What can I do in this situation? I got angry and shouted at him very badly because I told him not to clean my room up and he went on and messed my room up, my clothes, important papers and put papers in the bin!!! What makes matters worse is he doesn't remember anything what he cleaned from the room and IS NOT allowing me to check the bin because if the neighbours see me.

I'm still upset because he think I'm reacting badly and he doesn't feel those papers are significant.

Indigo119 · December 2014

He's also saying he's raised me up this far for me to get angry.

Comments appreciated.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

Has he been asking you to clean your room for a while now ? Do you have people coming to visit soon.

I'm just saying if I was asking my child to clean their room for several days and we were getting close to a deadline like family coming in from out of town, then I will clean it myself. They would also have no right to get mad.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Hi Disneygeek77,

Thanks for your response. I don't have people coming to visit soon, nobody has come in my room for three years now, nobody comes upstairs, only stays downstairs. Relatives come to visit once every five months and they never, ever go upstairs. My room wasn't even utidy, it just had a few bags lying around.

I told I'll do it within the next week(which I was). Also, I'm a slim person and he keeps telling me I'm fat and I'm going to lose weight.

The reason why I got mad is due to that fact I am studying and developing business plans and I leave things on top of my drawer chest and pc desk. He's also thrown some papers away without permission, which I will never see again.

He does act irresponsible and silly at times,I also remember he embarrassed me when my younger sister graduating before me in front of my family, laughing saying 'I'm still in my first year' I had to let him off. I told him politely, please don't clean my room today.

He's telling me he raised me up to see bad times.

Wahoo · December 2014

Something is missing here. Nobody has seen your room for three years, but all of a sudden you had the need to tell your dad "don't clean my room?" And then the day you tell him not to clean your room, he does?

And how did you lose all of the papers? Did he throw everything in the trash, then take it out for the garbagemen right away? So what if the neighbors see you? If you need the papers, go to the bin. If he is embarrassed - that will teach him to throw your things in the garbage outside. What is he going to do, while you are outside (in the neighbor's view)?

This seems to be a control issue between you and your dad. The truth is, it is HIS house, even if it is your room, so he has every right to clean, tidy, etc. Particularly as you are an adult.

How old are you? If your younger sister has already graduated from university, you're no kid. Time to get an apt. on your own. Share with some roommates to keep the costs down.

I don't know what "a few bags lying around" mean. If you are such a clean freak, I don't know why you had piles of dirty clothes lying around, as well as these "bags" and papers. There are many cheap, portable file cases (usually made of cardboard, although there are some fabric ones as well). Buy one of those, and some file folders, and make sure you have everything secure and filed.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Hi Wahoo, thank you for the response.

The reason why I told my dad not to clean my room is I had important stuff, papers lying around and I knew things would get lost if he cleaned my room. However, I would've cleaned my room within a week for sure.

Yes, it is my fathers house and he can do whatever he wants. I had a few bags on top of each other which looked untidy. I like my clothes clean and tidy, hence I put the clean freak statement.

Well, I cannot find those papers anywhere in the house, he did throw some other papers in the trash which I had to get those papers out from the thrash this morning. I do not know where those other papers have gone.

My sister is only one year younger than me, I had a speaking disorder which affected my school life and hence I got behind one-two years with study. I also decided to go to university a bit later out of choice.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

I don't understand. Why does he mean when he said raised you to see bad times ?

Something is missing from this story.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Yesterday I got angry at him due to the fact he lost a few of my papers, put my papers in the bin and disorganized everything. I'm still trying to find the papers and he thinks I care more about the papers than him. I'm still kinda upset about those papers.

When he said 'raised me to see bad times'. Maybe he's over reacting because I'm upset now because of those lost papers. I don't think he's a very understanding person.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

Honestly, it sounds like your dad wants you out of the house. He asked you to clean your room, you said not till next week, so he decided he would clean it himself by throwing all the papers away and putting all of your clothes in one pile. He did it on purpose. Time to take the hint and look into other arrangements.

As far as him talking about your weight, tell him your weight is none of his concern and if you really want those papers back, go find them in the trash. This does not sound like a healthy living arrangement for either of you.

Indigo119 · December 2014

We do have a good relationship and I think he loves me. However, I don't know why he's saying things like 'I care more about the papers than him' and 'he raised me up to see bad times'.

My university and business plans are important, my future is important. I just don't understand why he threw away the papers without understanding those papers are important,

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

He can love you and want a good relationship and still want you out of his house.

Has he been acting strange in other areas of his life. Perhaps it is time to make an appointment with his Dr.

Indigo119 · December 2014

I just think he's over reacting to me being upset. BTW my cousin shouted at my aunty(his mother) really, really badly regarding which one of his brothers should do house chores. And his mother understand their should be an equal amount of tasks.

I still don't understand why he doesn't understand when I got upset when he thrown those papers away, surely if something important was thrown away by accident you would get upset.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

Yes from an outsider's perspective it is strange. All I can think of is that he is trying to nudge you out of his home or his cognitive ability is changing as he is getting older.

I am also a bit sensitive to this as well because my dad is always getting mad at my mom for throwing his stuff away. Well he leaves it out everywhere like the kitchen or dining room table, so what is she supposed to do when they have guests over to eat or I don't know, just wants a clean house ? My dad is also a bully and my mom is a doormat and never stands up for herself. I swear next time he does it I will tell him to clean his own shit. It isn't fair to my mom and siblings to live in clutter and mess all the time because he is too lazy to organize his papers. I don't care how " important " they are. If they are that important, then clean them up.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

He can love you and want a good relationship and still want you out of his house.

Has he been acting strange in other areas of his life. Perhaps it is time to make an appointment with his Dr.

Not really. I have lost my mother (his wife) and he has a minor disability, which my uncle (his brother) said he got treated very very badly when he was young. He has been talking angry to himself regarding what other people have said about him. About 3 years ago he told me not to go to a far university because he had nobody. He tells me all the neighbours hate him and say bad things about him and he's worried about my family's reputation.

He is quite lonely, he doesn't go out, doesn't socialise.

I just don't know why he said 'I care more about the papers' which my papers are very important for my future. I honestly think he thinks the worst of things.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Disneygeek77,

I'm sorry for how your mother is treated. Yeah, he should clean up his own mess and put his important things somewhere else if things need to get tided. The kitchen is important and needs to get tided up.

In my situation, my papers are important and I put it in my bedroom, where nobody will come in, I still think what he did was wrong, because I would've cleaned my room myself and told him not to touch anything I thought he would've understood. All of my cousins bedrooms are untidy, extremely messy.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

I really don't know what else to say.

Perhaps in a day or two sit down with him and lovingly ask him why he threw the papers away ? Does he want you to leave ? Was he testing you ? Does he want you to stay there for a long time and was trying to sabotage your plans ? Was he just tired of you having a messy room ( in his opinion) ? Maybe if you calmly and gently talk to him, the truth will come out.

Indigo119 · December 2014

Thank you Disneygeek, I will do that.

Wahoo · December 2014

Honestly, maybe he is afraid of you graduating, succeeding, and moving away. That is what I am picking up. He threw out important papers of yours ON PURPOSE.

He acted like a clean room is more important to him than your success at university.

He acts like a good reputation with your neighbors is more important to him than your success at university.

I also think the verbal abuse (calling you fat and making fun of your delayed graduation) is part of that as well. If you don't think you can do better, you will stay with him.

This is a very unhealthy environment for you to be in. Even if your dad is disabled, move out, even if it is close to home, and get away from him on a daily basis. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You need to move out and seek counseling (does university provide it for free).

Indigo119 · December 2014

Hi Wahoo,

Thank you for your all your comments and maybe he was testing me on how loyal I am to him. I also have a job and try to see if there is some accommodation somewhere.

Yes, university does provide counselling for free.

DaringMiss · December 2014

I wonder if there isn't another side to this situation.

I am trying to imagine a situation where one adult throws out the "important papers" of another adult. If I were tasked to tidy a room of another person, I would put all non-trash (i.e.not empty food wrappers) papers into a single box so that the person could review them at a later date. I wonder how your father could have mistaken "important papers" as trash.

I wonder if you might be a hoarder and he just got to his breaking point with all of your stuff.

My father has messed things up

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