Family Matters
Mocha8
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family drama. Trying to split family time. Do you think i am being unreasonable? Need advice
My husband travels a lot with his job, so i know he really likes to just chill out for the holidays, especially around christmas. We have to split christmas between 3 families because my husbands parents are divorced, and then we have my family also. I honestly dread the holidays because i do not get on with my husbands siblings. My brother-in-law and i got on fine for many years. He started dating this one girl who i got on fine with, and then she started to go very weird, and to this day i do not know what her problem is.
One christmas my brother-in-law and his girlfriend invited us to a brunch with their friends. I thought it was a little weird as we had many family occasions before this where she was there and didn't even talk to me, so i was a bit confused as to why she was inviting us, but we made the effort regardless and went. As we got to the restaurant, my brother-in-law came to the door to greet us, and said hi to my brother who also came and my husband. I said "hey," as you do and he said nothing. I thought oh maybe he never heard me, so i said it again and nothing. He completely blanked me, so this did not put me in a good mood for the brunch. His girlfriend didn't say a word to me either the whole time we were there, it was like i didn't exist, even though i was sitting opposite her.
After we left i told my husband his brother didn't say hi and he said oh maybe he didn't hear and i said well i thought that but i said it twice and got blanked both times, and whenever we are around them they both act like i am not there. So since that day, whenever they have invited us to a birthday dinner, which was not often but has happened, we didn't go. We agreed it was pointless to keep going to things that are all their friends and when we get there i am ignored. I feel like it is high school type drama.
My sister-in-law is a whole other drama in itself also. My husband and his sister fell out years ago, and over the years it has been made pretty awkward for me when his sister would constantly reach out to me via Facebook wanting to get coffee or hang out. I told her that as her brothers wife it would be inappropriate for me to be hanging out with his sister when they don't talk or get along, and i think they need to work on their issues before me and her are meeting up for coffee. Of course she didn't take the rejection well. It finally got to a point where him and his sister over the years were civil with each other when we had a family thing which was good seems it was really awkward before that. It was one of those things where we would go to family dinners and the only person i would be on talking terms with was his mom seems everyone else either didn't speak or appears to have some problem that i don't know the reason for. So it got to a point where my husband and his sister would speak a little when around each other and i would talk to her a little too. She added both of us on Facebook, and we both accepted just to be civil and keep the peace. She is not really my type of person, but i hate drama and figured rejecting it would just open up more drama that we didn't need to deal with.
One other thing i would like to mention is my brother-in-laws girlfriend and my sister-in-law appear to get on pretty well, and funny enough since they started hanging out years ago is when my brother-in-laws girlfriend started to act a bit differently towards me and then eventually started to just ignore me at events. I figured maybe my sister-in-law said something to her, but then again my sister-in-law has always seemed very eager to be my friend and hang out, so i really don't understand the situation at all.
One christmas my brother-in-law and his girlfriend invited us to a brunch with their friends. I thought it was a little weird as we had many family occasions before this where she was there and didn't even talk to me, so i was a bit confused as to why she was inviting us, but we made the effort regardless and went. As we got to the restaurant, my brother-in-law came to the door to greet us, and said hi to my brother who also came and my husband. I said "hey," as you do and he said nothing. I thought oh maybe he never heard me, so i said it again and nothing. He completely blanked me, so this did not put me in a good mood for the brunch. His girlfriend didn't say a word to me either the whole time we were there, it was like i didn't exist, even though i was sitting opposite her.
After we left i told my husband his brother didn't say hi and he said oh maybe he didn't hear and i said well i thought that but i said it twice and got blanked both times, and whenever we are around them they both act like i am not there. So since that day, whenever they have invited us to a birthday dinner, which was not often but has happened, we didn't go. We agreed it was pointless to keep going to things that are all their friends and when we get there i am ignored. I feel like it is high school type drama.
My sister-in-law is a whole other drama in itself also. My husband and his sister fell out years ago, and over the years it has been made pretty awkward for me when his sister would constantly reach out to me via Facebook wanting to get coffee or hang out. I told her that as her brothers wife it would be inappropriate for me to be hanging out with his sister when they don't talk or get along, and i think they need to work on their issues before me and her are meeting up for coffee. Of course she didn't take the rejection well. It finally got to a point where him and his sister over the years were civil with each other when we had a family thing which was good seems it was really awkward before that. It was one of those things where we would go to family dinners and the only person i would be on talking terms with was his mom seems everyone else either didn't speak or appears to have some problem that i don't know the reason for. So it got to a point where my husband and his sister would speak a little when around each other and i would talk to her a little too. She added both of us on Facebook, and we both accepted just to be civil and keep the peace. She is not really my type of person, but i hate drama and figured rejecting it would just open up more drama that we didn't need to deal with.
One other thing i would like to mention is my brother-in-laws girlfriend and my sister-in-law appear to get on pretty well, and funny enough since they started hanging out years ago is when my brother-in-laws girlfriend started to act a bit differently towards me and then eventually started to just ignore me at events. I figured maybe my sister-in-law said something to her, but then again my sister-in-law has always seemed very eager to be my friend and hang out, so i really don't understand the situation at all.
My mother in law doesn't appear to be keen on my brother-in-laws girlfriend either, and has commented on noticing how she doesn't talk to me anymore. What is weird though is sometimes she will go half the day without talking, and then say one time we were talking about jobs as i was interviewing, she will go "oh i can ask my work if they are hiring at out other location if you want," and then not talk again the rest of the day. I just don't understand seems we will walk in a room and neither her nor my brother-in-law will say hi to me.
So my sister-in-law, me and my husband were Facebook friends for a good year or so, and then randomly one day she unfriended us both. Now i know you are probably thinking more high school sounding drama, and it totally is. This is how it sounds to me too, but i have to tell it how it is to explain my point and give some perspective on things, and i am completely tired of his whole family and their drama, but i have to be careful seems it is still his family.
So my sister-in-law, me and my husband were Facebook friends for a good year or so, and then randomly one day she unfriended us both. Now i know you are probably thinking more high school sounding drama, and it totally is. This is how it sounds to me too, but i have to tell it how it is to explain my point and give some perspective on things, and i am completely tired of his whole family and their drama, but i have to be careful seems it is still his family.
So what it has boiled down to these past few years is me dreading the holidays which is sad because i do love this time of year, although i have almost forgotten what enjoyment is around this time of year, because all i feel is stress. I constantly want to avoid the family gatherings and basically go visit his family when i know all of his siblings won't be there. I know this may sound selfish on my part, and i do feel selfish at times, but it is very awkward for me to sit at a table for dinner with his siblings when they treat and act towards me the way that they do. I feel i am a very kind person, and try everything in my power to avoid drama and consider peoples feelings (my husbands when his sister wanted to hang out, his sisters when she did add me to not cause family drama by declining), but for some reason his sister, brother, and brothers girlfriend have all decided they dislike me and blank and ignore me.
So this year we were thinking of going to my husbands dad for christmas eve, his moms on christmas morning, and my parents christmas afternoon. His dad lives across town, so we figured we would visit with him christmas eve as we have the whole day free, and split the time between his mom and my parents christmas day seems they don't live too far from each other. So he calls his dad and asks what he is doing christmas eve, and he says he is doing nothing christmas eve but he wants us to go christmas day seems everyone is going to be there then (siblings etc...) So my husband got off the phone with his dad and was pretty annoyed. After a year of lots of travel he just wants to chill out on christmas day and have a drink without driving around to 3 different people, one which is across town, and i agree. Everyone is always at home not driving around but telling us when they want us there, and i feel it is pretty inconsiderate as we both want a drink without driving all over the place, and we can never settle anywhere because we have to leave to go to the next place.
So i guess i just wondered everyones take on it. Do you think we are being unreasonable not going on christmas day when his dad wants us to because everyone else is there? Are we unreasonable trying to visit his family at times when all the other siblings won't be there because of all the drama? Sometimes i do feel guilty avoiding them all the time, because i feel like i haven't done anything wrong to make them act this way (at least not to my knowledge), but i am just so sick of the drama and feeling awkward at dinners because i don't talk to anyone.
So this year we were thinking of going to my husbands dad for christmas eve, his moms on christmas morning, and my parents christmas afternoon. His dad lives across town, so we figured we would visit with him christmas eve as we have the whole day free, and split the time between his mom and my parents christmas day seems they don't live too far from each other. So he calls his dad and asks what he is doing christmas eve, and he says he is doing nothing christmas eve but he wants us to go christmas day seems everyone is going to be there then (siblings etc...) So my husband got off the phone with his dad and was pretty annoyed. After a year of lots of travel he just wants to chill out on christmas day and have a drink without driving around to 3 different people, one which is across town, and i agree. Everyone is always at home not driving around but telling us when they want us there, and i feel it is pretty inconsiderate as we both want a drink without driving all over the place, and we can never settle anywhere because we have to leave to go to the next place.
So i guess i just wondered everyones take on it. Do you think we are being unreasonable not going on christmas day when his dad wants us to because everyone else is there? Are we unreasonable trying to visit his family at times when all the other siblings won't be there because of all the drama? Sometimes i do feel guilty avoiding them all the time, because i feel like i haven't done anything wrong to make them act this way (at least not to my knowledge), but i am just so sick of the drama and feeling awkward at dinners because i don't talk to anyone.
Re: Family drama. Trying to split family time. Do you think i am being unreasonable? Need advice
And it should not be okay by you that your H tried to cover for them!
This young lady sounds moody and she sounds a bit nuts. Your best bet is to not ask either of them to your home until the both of them can learn some manners.
Next year do this:
You host and invite everyone. Let whoever can make it make it! See the people who cannot make it to Christmas at your house some other time soon after the holidays. I never "got" splitting up holidays. it's tiresome, it causes too many problems and the arrangment never pleases the couple in question.
That being said, I fully agree w/ Disney. You all need to figure out what the TWO of you want to do. you actually don't HAVE to split your time among 3 families. If you don't want to go to his dad's on Christmas, then tell him that won't work.
Pawn is a good word here- they treat you as pawns and you all let them. When your DH was tlaking to his dad, you all seem resigned that you now "have" to fit him in ON Christmas. When instead, your DH could have said "Oh, well, that's too bad. We're already booked. We can see you on Christmas Eve. If that doesn't work for you, we understand. Hopefully we can find another time to get together".
And you have to let them be upset! You can't control their feelings. if they are sad... so be it. Bu tyou and DH really don't have to say "how high?" when they say "jump".