Family Matters
abt87
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mom jealous of ILs..how to deal
Hi all, I hope I can get some insight (or someone to commiserate with me!)
First a little background: My husband and I have been married for a few years, no kids. Before we were married, we did the long-distance thing and then I moved to his hometown when we got engaged. His hometown is about 2 hours away from where my parents live. Now, we live thousands of miles away from everyone, but we are hoping to move back to DH hometown. I consider DH hometown, my hometown. We have a great circle of friends, and two of my best friends just moved there too. When we have been home, we always go stay with my parents for at least 4 nights, but generally we spend more time in DH hometown. His parents are divorced and they both come from large families, so there's at least 4 Christmas parties to go to.
With our impending return, my mom has gotten really emotional about how we divide our time at holidays, and then when we move permanently back and probably worse when we have kids. For example:
Jokingly saying "Gosh, when you have kids, I'm just going to have to stay with you every week so they have equal time with me and the ILs"
"So if we moved down, would you see us every week like you see MIL?"
"Sorry our town isn't as exciting as DH hometown"
"It's not fair that we only get 1/3 of your time just because DH parent's are divorced"
And my personal favorite:
"You married DH, not his family" and then crying
I've told her that we have more quality time with her and my dad when we visit because they prioritize us. When we are visiting my ILs, it's always a big thing, and we never have any alone time with his mom or dad. I think she's jealous of my ILs TBH. She's under the impression that we would see them every week (not true). I keep telling her fair isn't equal. She has this way of saying shit like this when she's jealous or self-conscious. But DH loves my dad more than his own, and I think we have real life conversations with my parents and superficial stuff with my ILs. I tell her this over and over. I've been nice, and I've been a bitch about it. I've ignored her emails. I can't talk to DH about this, it would probably piss him off.
In her most recent email : "I just get upset with all the additional time that people see you. Sorry! (Do u see a pattern ?) don't yell at me!!! Haha!!!"
What else can I do? I don't feel like I can talk about this with anyone, not even my brother. If I tell her she's being selfish, she will cry. I want to talk to my Dad about this, but I worry that he might feel the same way as her.....
Thanks and sorry for the novel!
Re: Mom jealous of ILs..how to deal
And if pushed on "why are you ignoring me?", I'd just say "Nothing I say appeases you so I'm no longer discussing this issue with me. Can you pass the peas (or whatever to change the topic)?". And then go back to not engaging at ALL.
It's just the two of you in the car and she says ANYTHING about this, respond as if she didn't even say anything. Just start talking about something else. She keeps pushing? Keep not responding. Seriously. She wants a response, she wants pity, she wants something you can't give her.
SHUT the topic down.
She has sort of a point there.
The 2 of you need to be doing things on your own and being your own family unit, because that's what you are.
I have no idea why you had to live near his family. Why not in a locale that was of interest to you both, that was nowhere near either one of your parents' towns?
Stay with your parents for HOW many nights???
I suggest that the 2 of you cut back on the visits -- and consider living somewhere else other than near either one of your parents' home towns.
And part of this might be you accepting that she won't be happy. Look - while I think the advice to "spend less time w/ family" is off, at the same time, you and DH need to figure out what works for the TWO OF YOU.
Do you really WANT to split your time and run all over the place every holiday? If right now, with just the two of you, you really don't mind and you want to see everyone - then do it. But if you're doing it because everyone else will be upset but youre tired of it... might be time to start coming up w/ a new plan.
Because I FULLY agree w/ Illumine - if youhave kids, what's your plan then? I think it's inherently unfair to make them run all over the place to appease other people's feelings. I think kids deserve the right to have Christmas, at least, be about THEM.
SO.... start figuring this out. AND also realize that you may just never be able to make your mom happy. That's on her. Not you.
It's worse now with our LO so we just try not to talk about it much. My MIL actually watches our LO once a week (we would never in a million years let my mother look after LO) and my mother doesn't know this. We figured there is no point rocking the boat. We also asked MIL to keep comments about looking after LO to a minimum when my mother is around so that she doesn't find out. (Which I felt bad about, I think my MIL thinks we are harsh but seriously, sometimes I am shocked that I made it out of my parents house alive until I realize I spent the majority of my childhood being cared for by my grandmother.)
Lucky, you have family who love you and clearly miss you. Id bet you have a Super Mom who always put you first. Who also would like to continue to be an integral part of you life. Also seems your Mom has no problem with your spouse.
Ask if his family would be welcome to visit your parents house with you. Your spouse's family would likely respond by inviting your parents along when visiting them.
When my parents and their parents were alive. We always included all sides of the family. My parents often talked about the love and gratitude they felt for their in-laws. I'd trade anything to have my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins back. Those who were interested or could would take vacations together. We actually knew each other back in the day. Today families meet at fun hotels and have family get togethers that way everyone participates as they choose. God Bless please just love your Mom.
With a large two part family would they object if you brought along your parents. Your Mom misses you and wants to spend every minute she can with you and your spouse Please just love her back .
OP, just out of curiosity, does she and your dad have plans to visit you all in your new home? Or is she just expecting it to always be the two of you making the 4-hour round trip?
One thing I find extra weird. From what I understand, you and your H currently live very far away from both families. And are about to move back to the same town as your ILs and only 2 hours from your parents. OMG!!! You'd think she would be THRILLED about that!
Maybe that is something to point out. Like, "Mom, we'll be so much closer! Right now, we only see you all once a year during the holidays. Now, we can see you all much more often. Yet, it seems to just be upsetting you."
It might be worth asking your dad about it to see if he has any ideas.
LOVE this point!!!