Family Matters
KarenCanada
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Brother-in-law and sister issues. Argh!!!
So I'm going to abbreviate this story: 2 years ago my sister falls pregnant at 42. Her boyfriend wants nothing to do with the baby BUT continues to date her. I know. Odd. But keep reading. My husband and I support her: through making her meals on weekdays to going to scans and amnio, keeping her company, helping her shop, even attending hospital orientation etc. He has 8 year old twins, is nearly 50 and says the thought of another is overwhelming. I sort of understand. Our grown daughter is nearly 20 at this point and the thought of more kids is exhausting, so my husband got a vasectomy because accidents happen. So come the New Year (2013), the boyfriend decides to give it a go. No thanks to us from either my sister or him. I hear nothing from her for the last 2 months, but hear from friends that she's not eating much and exercising 5 days a week to stay in her pre-pregnancy jeans. So come delivery day, I attend at the labour because he doesn't know where to go or what to do and instead they call me. Baby is norn at 5 lbs at full term because she lost/didn't gain weight in those last two months. Baby was growing fine until then according to the scans. My sister is in over her head and baths baby once a week, keeps him on soft pureed food until 15 months, basically refuses to educate herself or ask questions. FF about six months and he says it's not working she must leave. We make arrangements. We find daycare etc. and turn our.lives upside down again. They make up. Ok. Life as normal. No hard feelings. She (I'm 99% sure of this) tricks him into 2nd pregnancy. Same story: not interested. She must move out or have termination. This time I have no understanding because he had a scheduled vasectomy and backed out, she told me they don't use condoms and she's not taking the pill. HUH!? In the meantime, my nephew is developmentally delayed (20 months and can't say a word, let alone babba or dadda, can't use a spoon or crayon, can't point, makes grumbling noises while running back and forth back and forth, cries uncontrollably at "sad" songs, doesn't play with blocks etc.). Local clinic says he's missing red flag milestones but my sister says he's perfect as he is and refuses treatment. She basically says I must back off when I suggest he see a paediatrician. But she is having another baby now. Now an aside: my husband had a run of VERY bad luck, medically: 2007 suffered deep depression, 2008 contracted C. Difficil (superbug) while in hospital, 2009 had major stomach valve surgery (opened from ribs past navel), 2010 relapsed depression as he couldn't return to work, 2011 returned to work only to hit his head after one month - suffered brain injury and unpredictable grand mal seizures. There were no witnesses, so worker's comp (yes we appealed) refused compensation. Then in 2013 developed MASSIVE hernia and had to be cut stern to stem again. So no work since then as he falls often and HARD (he's 6'4" and 220lb). He keeps in great shape but can no longer drive or run marathons (intersections are dangerous), climb stairs or use machinery. We are often at the ER for CT scans to check for brain bleeds, but we try to find humour in it. I say he keeps falling head over heels im love with me. Our daughter is becoming a nurse because his problems and ER visits have inspired her. So he became a house-husband and does all the cleaning and cooking and dog walking etc. He's kept positive through it all, despite our severely diminished income.
So: today my sister says we must come for Christmas dinner but she's not fussing and is making lasagna, garlic bread and caesar salad. That's odd as it is. I always.make my family a roast lamb, trifle, roast potatoes etc. at Christmas. I - politely - say we're going elsewhere after our lunch, but thank you anyway. She persists and demands to know what could possibly be more important than me seeing her family. I tell her I can't be hypocritical and share Christmas with her boyfriend after what he did to her. I say I respect it was her decision to stay with him after he again kicked her out, but I can't pretend to like him. Short version: She says, "Fine. You've made your choice. You'll never see me or your nephew ever again. You've never supported me anyway and BIL (brother in law/boyfriend) is your family, like it or not. Oh. And (for good measure) there are plenty of things I could say about MH (my husband) and don't, like: he's a leech, he is a burden and with his medical problems he's a drain on you and there's no reason he can't get a job. But I'd never say that." (BUT you just did.) So I ignored that. But said again, "I don't want to upset you - especially since you're pregnant, but I don't want to spend my holiday being fake." So. Wow. She says I've changed because I know how much she loves Christmas and why can't I just come and not talk to BIL? I say, "I've not changed - I've just grown myself a pair!"
Am I unreasonable for:
1. saying no to sharing Christmas with the BIL?
2. being upset at her lack of compassion for my husband's medical troubles (none of which were any fault of his own)
3. finally standing up for myself and saying no to her "we come as a package deal - all or nothing" offer?
4. Being disappointed in her refusal to get her son the help he needs?
Why do I feel guilty? Logically I don't. Feel I should feel bad, but I've always been easily manipulated by her being upset ... but today I just wouldn't take it anymore. Thoughts?
So: today my sister says we must come for Christmas dinner but she's not fussing and is making lasagna, garlic bread and caesar salad. That's odd as it is. I always.make my family a roast lamb, trifle, roast potatoes etc. at Christmas. I - politely - say we're going elsewhere after our lunch, but thank you anyway. She persists and demands to know what could possibly be more important than me seeing her family. I tell her I can't be hypocritical and share Christmas with her boyfriend after what he did to her. I say I respect it was her decision to stay with him after he again kicked her out, but I can't pretend to like him. Short version: She says, "Fine. You've made your choice. You'll never see me or your nephew ever again. You've never supported me anyway and BIL (brother in law/boyfriend) is your family, like it or not. Oh. And (for good measure) there are plenty of things I could say about MH (my husband) and don't, like: he's a leech, he is a burden and with his medical problems he's a drain on you and there's no reason he can't get a job. But I'd never say that." (BUT you just did.) So I ignored that. But said again, "I don't want to upset you - especially since you're pregnant, but I don't want to spend my holiday being fake." So. Wow. She says I've changed because I know how much she loves Christmas and why can't I just come and not talk to BIL? I say, "I've not changed - I've just grown myself a pair!"
Am I unreasonable for:
1. saying no to sharing Christmas with the BIL?
2. being upset at her lack of compassion for my husband's medical troubles (none of which were any fault of his own)
3. finally standing up for myself and saying no to her "we come as a package deal - all or nothing" offer?
4. Being disappointed in her refusal to get her son the help he needs?
Why do I feel guilty? Logically I don't. Feel I should feel bad, but I've always been easily manipulated by her being upset ... but today I just wouldn't take it anymore. Thoughts?
Re: Brother-in-law and sister issues. Argh!!!
My husband keeps falling because the meds they have him on (Keppra, Epival and Lamotrigine) are failing. He's on a waitlist for an observational study. He injures himself alllll the time. He has also seen an interventional cardiologist, an electro (something or other) cardiologist and a skull based surgeon to rule out Tumarkin's Otolithic Crisis. He has no stimulants (coffee, sugar, etc.), sleeps with a CPAP machine since the head injury as he developed sleep apnea. He's a medical mystery wrapped in an enigma! Poor thing. To add insult to injury he's now developed an arterial vein malformation under his foot and has to have it removed to walk properly. I wonder how much one body can take!
The local clinic has opened a file on my nephew, but I will take your advice and, if nothing happens within the next two months, will make some phonecalls myself and ensure he gets the help he needs. My mother will keep me updated if I ask.
You know - I wanted to single out things you said and how they resonated with me, but the truth is that EVERY single word you said meant the world. You took the time out to craft a caring reply and understood the very crux of what I was - a little ineloquently - trying to say. Thank you SO very much. I feel so bolstered. Not about being right or wrong, but just being understood. You have MADE MY CHRISTMAS! ♡
First, if you helped your sister it seems that both you and your husband helped her to try and get her baby and that didn't work out for you so you're upset.
2nd, if your sister choses to be with him it's her life and not yours and yes, you have the right to not want to be around him if you don't want to but in order for you to have a healthy relationship with your sister you will need to be around him at some point.
3rd, it does seem your husband falls easily and is clumsy. You are posting your side of the story here and we can only form an opinion based on that. But it seems that there is always an excuse for your husband not to work and that he is trying very hard to not have to work again via a lawsuit. Maybe the worker's comp saw through him and that is why he was denied.
Most importantly, you need to stay out of your sister's life. If her son was in such an urgent need of help then the doctor's office would definitely report her refusal to child protective services. You are not the perfect parent either because no one is and she does not have to raise her children like you did yours.
Enjoy the moments you have with your sister and nephew and forget about meddling in her life, live your own. Merry Christmas!
You are enabling your sister and BIL both.
If BIL wasn't smart enough to get either a vasectomy or wear a condom when having sex, he's a born loser and born fool.
When it was discovered that the fetus gained no weight during pregnancy, didn't the authorities get involved? They should have --- the child could have been taken by child services and your sister could have gotten into some type of trouble for what she did.:(
I can't see how a hospital can drop a ball on possible child neglect. They needed to ask her striaghtaway about her dietary habits during pregnancy. They'll see something was fishy.
Child services needs to get involved now being she will not get her son the help he needs.
There has to be a way to cut them off --- there are kiddoes involved -- oneon the way and anotehr one present --- but you can't keep falling for her nonsense and her hard luck incidents.
Do not give her or him any money.
Wishing you luck.