Family Matters
MrsFLM
member
Dear Community,
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
18, engaged & pregnant after 2 months - how do I tell her i'm worried?
Ok, so I've got myself in a bit of a pickle so I've come here for some reassurance/advice on the alarm bells I've got going off in my head. Also, a warning - this could be a long post!
A bit of background first... So 4 months ago, my 18 year old sister got together with this guy (9 years her elder) - for the purpose of this post I'm going to change their names to Bob (the guy) and Lisa (my sister). A month or two prior, she had split up with her girlfriend of 3 years (she came out as bisexual, and then a lesbian about 4 years ago). For the past few years, shes wanted to become a midwife, and planned her college courses around this, and was planning on going to University. Despite being an intelligent girl, she comes across as rather immature.
I'll try and do this as a rough timeline to make it clearer!
I'll try and do this as a rough timeline to make it clearer!
After roughly 1 month (of incredibly 'soppy' Facebook statuses on Bob's side might I add), they got engaged. Heated discussions were exchanged between Lisa and Mum about whether it was a good idea to get engaged so soon, and later that day my other little sister (less call her Sophie) overheard Bob say that my Mum was the C-word to Lisa. All this is doing my Mum no favours being a sufferer of severe recurrent depression and Fibromyalgia (a chronic pain condition which is aggravated by stress).
After 2 months, they moved in together, and Lisa ignored the entire family for 4 weeks, including Sophie with whom she used to text/snapchat/talk to all day, everyday. I asked both Bob and Lisa for their new address so I could send them a new home card and Bob told me they didn't want to tell anyone.
Then Lisa contacted Sophie out of the blue one day (this would be month 3 of dating now), and Sophie went to visit them. Slowly Lisa began to communicate with the family again. It emerged that Lisa had dropped out of college, at which she was studying for her A-Levels and resitting her English GCSE (she didn't do as well in her GCSE's as predicted, due to being in and out of hospital for pneumonia for 4 months, causing her to miss a LOT of school). Up to this point, she had lied profusely about this (along with many other things like her taking up smoking), and we all knew she was lying as my mum was receiving calls and letters from the college warning expulsion.
I contacted Bob over Facebook, asking what was going on as I was receiving worrying messages from my Mum, and he said "she has got a second job and is investing in our future together". He also lied about her being in college still.
Just after Lisa and Bobs 4 month anniversary celebrations, Lisa went round the families for dinner and apparently after an hour and a half she told everyone she was 6-8 weeks pregnant, before breaking down in tears (of devastation apparently). My mum doesn't know what to do with herself. She has already said she will give up everything to make sure the child gets a good upbringing and I don't doubt that for a second. However, at the same she feels like she is a bad mother who didn't teach her kids well enough (even though she did!). Lisa has also announced they will be getting married before baby is born, and then be having a proper ceremony to renew vows after (although on only one wage coming from a part-time, 0 hour contract job at a supermarket, I am struggling to see how realistic an idea this is).
Just after Lisa and Bobs 4 month anniversary celebrations, Lisa went round the families for dinner and apparently after an hour and a half she told everyone she was 6-8 weeks pregnant, before breaking down in tears (of devastation apparently). My mum doesn't know what to do with herself. She has already said she will give up everything to make sure the child gets a good upbringing and I don't doubt that for a second. However, at the same she feels like she is a bad mother who didn't teach her kids well enough (even though she did!). Lisa has also announced they will be getting married before baby is born, and then be having a proper ceremony to renew vows after (although on only one wage coming from a part-time, 0 hour contract job at a supermarket, I am struggling to see how realistic an idea this is).
And that's an overview of the last 4 months.
Here's where my alarm bells are chiming... And it's mostly about Bob.
1. Whenever I've messaged Lisa, or messaged them both in the same conversation, it's hardly ever Lisa that replies. Nearly always Bob.
2. Bob has only been to the family home once or twice. He didn't go with Lisa when she announced the pregnancy.
3. Bob has been married once, for 3 weeks.
4. Bob was supposed to be marrying another girl this year (2014) who he referred to as his "partner in life" many times on his Facebook before he started dating my sister.
5. He has a child with another lady. (Don't get me wrong, he might just have a lot of bad luck, but he seems to work very quickly and fall in and out of love a little too easily!)
6. He has no job.
Basically something doesn't feel right. I haven't met the guy yet, but from what I've seen on his Facebook, and the way he speaks about Lisa to me over message, he comes across as controlling, smothering and generally a bit suspicious and it worries me.
Another thing which has got me confused is that Lisa has been on the receiving end of a broken (and forced) marriage. My mum and stepdad got divorced after 13 years, due to him having an affair. They had 3 kids together, Lisa included, all of whom had a hard time coping with it. They got married because his parents didn't want a 'b-stard' grandchild. They loved each other to bits, but didn't feel ready to marry. My dad and my mum were together for 5 years, never married, and split when I was one as he turned into an a-hole when I was born. With all this in mind, I don't get how she is so ready to go straight into marriage with no suspicions of what might happen.
Another thing which has got me confused is that Lisa has been on the receiving end of a broken (and forced) marriage. My mum and stepdad got divorced after 13 years, due to him having an affair. They had 3 kids together, Lisa included, all of whom had a hard time coping with it. They got married because his parents didn't want a 'b-stard' grandchild. They loved each other to bits, but didn't feel ready to marry. My dad and my mum were together for 5 years, never married, and split when I was one as he turned into an a-hole when I was born. With all this in mind, I don't get how she is so ready to go straight into marriage with no suspicions of what might happen.
Now, I might be reading too much into things - I had an abusive relationship with my siblings Dad for the 13 years him and my mum were married, which left me rather un-trusting of men, so it could be I'm just being paranoid. That being said, I'm now very happily married. I thought I married my husband quickly (we were married after 3 years), but with Lisa it all just seems a little too fast? I'm generally open-minded (or at least I thought I was). I'm not bothered about the age difference, and if they love each other that much, then why not get married if it feels right.
I'm just worried that my sister is being a bit ignorant. Since she is missing one of the standard 3 GCSE's (C's in maths, english and science), I'm worried she is going to find it difficult to get well-paid jobs. If she decides to go back to college in a few years, she will have to pay for it and with a baby in the mix I don't know how she will afford this. She doesn't seem to realise how difficult it could be and seems hung up on having a 'cute' baby, without taking any precautionary steps.
I really do hope it works out for both of them and the baby... but realistically in this kind of situation, it doesn't often work out.
I really do hope it works out for both of them and the baby... but realistically in this kind of situation, it doesn't often work out.
Am I right to be worried? She is very stubborn and often takes things for face value, and when things go wrong, she always finds a way to blame other people, so how do I tell her I'm worried without her taking it as if I don't believe in her and am attacking her in some way.
If you've read all of this, then thanks. Any advice/kicks up the butt is appreciated!
If you've read all of this, then thanks. Any advice/kicks up the butt is appreciated!
Re: 18, engaged & pregnant after 2 months - how do I tell her i'm worried?
Fact of the matter: your sister needs to run like hell from Bob. He's no good and yes, I strongly suspect there is an abuse factor involved in all of this; the isolation from her family is a classic sign.
I don't think college for Lisa can be saved or repaired. She's got her mind made up about that.
And who knows if it is true she is pregnant? She could be making the whole thing up. Who knows?
I hope this mess gets straightened out. None of this bodes well.
You cannot tell her you are worried. It will not penetrate and she is most likely liable to have a shit fit and cut you off for good, the second you speak up and say you are concerned. She should not be with this guy, not for love and not for money. He sounds like a good bum to me.
Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open and be supporting so that way when your sister decides she has had enough that she feels she still has family she can go to and not be just told "I told you so" If you can visit with her you can give her a baby gift & talk about the pregnancy and how it's going and if she has any fears about being such a young mom. I think all you can do is be there for her, try to be supportive. If you can get to know Bob better, that would be great, but the main thing is saving your relationship with your sister.
If you have concerns about him still being married, go to the county records online for where you live, divorce records are there just like marriage records are. Now if you find out he's still married, that opens up a whole different can of worms on how you bring that up to your sister.
Some day in the future she can re-enroll in a college somewhere or try a trade school --- maybe she is not even the college type. No shame; there are many famous people who either never went or dropped out.
Thought I'd give you all an update - I went over to my parents house for the weekend because I was worried about my Mum. Bob and Lisa couldn't pay their rent (1st month by the way), and my Mum bailed them out despite having her own money worries. It turns out Lisa is only actually working 4 hours a week and he still hasn't found work. Anywayyyyy, I got to meet Bob!
My initial instinct was to punch him in square in the face. However I held back, mainly because I've never punched anyone before! :P I sat quietly and observed instead, and was pretty surprised if I'm honest! Now, I'd like to say that I am no expert, however my clinical psychology undergrad along with many many other things have given me a pretty good understanding into body language and not taking things for face value (because of my area of interest, this mostly only applies to mental health, but I guess it could be expanded!).
She was overall very dismissive of him, and quite frankly rather horrible. At the dinner table, she cut him off several times and at one point I noticed her kick him under the table. There were two occasions after dinner when he came up to hug her from behind, and she hardly reacted. Not even to hold him back. Not once did I see them kiss (which is only odd because all her ex's she used to snog all of the time!). There was a period of about 10 minutes when Bob was out talking to my Mum about the best course of action as far as a job and money were concerned. I only caught a snippet of their conversation but I found out after she was arranging to take them both down to the council to help them arrange housing and benefits. As they were talking, Lisa seemed agitated and kept looking over at them as if she was worried about what they might be saying.
Anyway, the bit that topped it all off for me was a period of about 5 minutes when I was outside having a smoke with Bob, Lisa (who wasn't smoking), and my step-sister. Bob told Lisa that my Mum had said he should cancel his doctors appointment, which happens to be just after Lisas first appointment with the midwife (thus meaning he misses the appointment with the midwife and Lisa), so that he could go to a 4 hour interview he has been offered. He said that he thought that was sensible to which she replied "She can f**k off. Don't you dare cancel on the doctors or me. Rearrange the interview or don't go to it. Simple". I think in this instance he was doing the right thing. At the moment, getting something to bring money in, given that the only money they have is from her 4 hours a week, he is seeing as a priority, which is good!
Next, my step-sister asked if Lisa would have to talk about illnesses that run in the family when she meets the midwife. Lisa replied with something along the lines of "I think so, but I don't know anything of his history and I don't give a s**t. His family aren't even talking to him" to which he mumbled something and she replied with "They clearly don't care about you" or something to that effect to which he was a bit taken aback.
Then the conversation went back onto Bobs interview, and he said he didn't think he would be any good at it because he was only ever good at being a bus-driver. He then said that if he had to, he would go back to buses. She told him no. Then my step-sister said he should hand his CV in at her place of work, and she would have a word with her manager to see if she could get him something. He said it would be great and thanked her, but Lisa said "Don't you go getting him a job, he can find his own job thanks".
Now, my sister can be very manipulative and does lie a lot... I don't want to think it, but I think she is stringing him along and is the manipulating Bob! She's quite dominant over him, and his love doesn't seem to be reciprocated back to him from her. He genuinely is trying to find a job etc, but I think she is somewhat of a barrier, and I suspect she had something to do with him randomly walking out of his old job since he claims he loved being a bus driver and it's 'all he knows how to do'.
She's done similar to this before, to rub my Mum up the wrong way. (In case you didn't notice, my mum and Lisa aren't getting on that well. Lisa was more of a 'daddies girl' and when mum and her dad split up, I think she blamed my mum, even though it was her dad that was in the wrong). When she was dating her girlfriend, at first my Mum wasn't approving as she thought it was "just a phase". Once her girlfriend moved in, my Mum started to really get along with her and accept that maybe it wasn't a phase, Lisa cheated on her. It's like she's just finding more and more ways to anger my Mum...
OH, one last thing I learned when I was there. Lisa used NO contraception, despite my Mum saying several times that now she is with a man, she needs to start being more careful, and several times directed her to the clinic up the road that does free contraception. Lisa is not stupid... she knows that no contraception leads to babies, yet she went ahead and did it anyway. WHY? Her reasoning behind it was that "Bob is allergic to latex. He has a doctors note". This is her first time with a man, and she's been using NOTHING. So what if he really is allergic to latex... You can get latex free condoms... She could get the marina coil, get the implant, have the injection, go on one of the MANY pills etcetc.... FOR FREE. WHY DID SHE NOT? Again, it's like she was deliberately rubbing my Mum up the wrong way... My mum recommended she do something, so she does the opposite. Classic Lisa.
PS... In case you hadn't noticed, the no contraception thing reallllllllly winds me up!
Hmmm...controlling, doesn't let her answer family messages herself....sounds to me like this is the onset of an abusive relationship. She needs to get the hell out of there. As for going back to college, unless she gets the hell out of there I don't see him "letting" her do that - or anything else that entails getting her out of the house without him, for that matter.