Relationship Advice

Jreneez · January 2015

I need some feedback. I have been in a relationship with the same man for 8 years. We met while we were both in college. I am currently at a place in my life where I feel our relationship is stagnate, especially since I feel that my boyfriend is depending on me too much. My boyfriend is in a tough field where it is all about location to find a position. Ever since he graduated from college he has only held a position in his field for 2 years. He lost his job two years ago and I allowed for him to stay at my residence during my last year in grad school in 2013. When I graduated, I was offered a position with great opportunities but not an ideal location. However, i still allowed for him to move in with me. I told him we needed to search simultaneously during that time but he did not succeed in finding a position in employers that were interested in my candidacy. I am currently looking to advance and move to another position at another location, however, I don't think I will allow for him to move with me. That may signal the end of our relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He currently contributes a bit by working a fast food job. He also has a passion to get in the music industry, but it has been so difficult to support him this long when I feel like I am being heavily depended on by a person who does not want to make an effort to at least find a job that will help himself. I often end up buying most groceries as well sometimes covering payments for a car of his that is in collections in addition to my own bills. Luckily the position I have allows me to live rent free...the main reason why I allowed for him to move in with me in the first place. On top of this...I don't feel like being sexually active because I want to be able to make sure that we can hold off on conception while I feel we are not financially ready to have such a life opportunity happen at this moment. Just wanting some honest feedback because my family already has given me advice on what they believe I should do but ultimately understand it is my life choice. Anyone who has been in a similar position?

VOR · January 2015

If his job is dependant on location, then HE needs to move to a lcoation where he can get a job. Living with you just because it's convienent isn't the way to approach this. Past that - what exaactly do you get out of this relationship? I'm not getting any sense of real FEELINGS from what you wrote. Do you get anything from it or are you with him just because it's easier than breaking up?

simplyelise · January 2015

Yeah, it sounds like the reason you're together is just the momentum from the past 8 years. I have zero desire to conceive right now, but I take the pill and we frequently double up with condoms too, so I have a hard time believing that your reason for not wanting sexual intimacy is fear of pregnancy.

What field was he in that was so location dependent? It sounds like he's not that interested in it any more seeing as how he's not done anything to pursue it in the last couple years. The job market in most cities, too, is such that someone with a college degree should be able to find something better than a part time fast food job. He could probably find basic administrative jobs for at least $10/hr. If he were working hard to find work, I could understand you helping him out a bit. But this guy doesn't appear to have any desire to work. You should absolutely not be paying his car payment or paying 99% of his living expenses.

I think you need to do some soul-searching. If you want to see if there might be some kind of relationship to salvage, I'd sit him down for a tough conversation saying that you feel like you are his mother with the current situation and if you two are going to stay together he needs to 1) find a place to live 2) get a real job 3) deal with his own financial mess.

But honestly, from everything you've said here, you want out. And that's perfectly okay. You deserve a partner, not a lazy dependent. He is an adult, if you end this relationship and cut off the gravy train, he WILL figure out how to get by.

Jreneez · January 2015

My feelings are mixed up right now for him. I love him because of all we went through but I often feel like that love has wavered since we first met. I feel in love with him because he was motivated about life and passionate about music. Music is an industry he wants to pursue...graphic design is what he went to school for. He will turn 30 in a few months and I'm just frustrated that he is still chasing a dream that hasn't got him too far. To be honest...with intimacy....I'm just not attracted to someone who is not doing their part to move forward financially in a relationship. By no means am I ready to get married now...but Im feeling stagnate and frustrated. I am frustrated at myself because I try to support him with his dreams and goals the entire time we have been in a relationship. At the same time....I can't sit here 5 more years from now in the same situation.

Xstatic3333 · January 2015

Jreneez said:
My feelings are mixed up right now for him. I love him because of all we went through but I often feel like that love has wavered since we first met. I feel in love with him because he was motivated about life and passionate about music. Music is an industry he wants to pursue...graphic design is what he went to school for. He will turn 30 in a few months and I'm just frustrated that he is still chasing a dream that hasn't got him too far. To be honest...with intimacy....I'm just not attracted to someone who is not doing their part to move forward financially in a relationship. By no means am I ready to get married now...but Im feeling stagnate and frustrated. I am frustrated at myself because I try to support him with his dreams and goals the entire time we have been in a relationship. At the same time....I can't sit here 5 more years from now in the same situation.

You need to look inside yourself and ask if this is really just a rough patch for him or a pattern that won't change. My now H went through a period of unemployment during the crash in 2009/2010. I saw a lot of growth in him during that time. He went from "I'll collect for a while and relax" to applying for jobs constantly and being one day away from roofing for his stepdad (and he's not a really physical guy!) before finally getting a job tangentially related to his field. If I hadn't seen that growth, I would have ended it. Now he's continuing to advance in his field and I'm really proud of him.

Also, I really believe in keeping finances separate until marriage. If he can't afford his car, it sounds like he needs to sell it. Whatever else you do, stop stop stop making those payments. He should be spending eight hours a day working and/or looking for better jobs. I'd also tell him how you're feeling. He may not realize how far downhill things have spiraled from your perspective.

BlueBirdMB · January 2015

Graphic design is not based on location like you say... Music can be depending on the area, but I make a full time living as a musician in a rural part of the country. I will say though that whatever he chooses to pursue in music, it takes a mountain of hard work and entrepreneurial skills, which it doesn't seem that he has. Some people think that being the arts is all fun and games, so it attracts a lot of lazy people who enjoy living under the illusion of being a "starving artist".

He seems super lazy and like he's making up excuses for his laziness because he knows you don't approve. There's nothing wrong with who he is, but if you don't like it, then he's not the right person for you.

VOR · January 2015

Um, yeah... graphic design is his super "location dependent" field??? I don't think so. If he REALLY wanted to find a job, he could. I suspect he just doesn't REALLY want to.

And if he isn't really pursuing his musical interest, then he's never going to get anywhere. Most people aren't magically discovered. It takes work. Lots of work.

I agree w/ BlueBird- he sounds lazy.

IT's o.k. if you've grown apart. Staying with someone because of 'all we went through' really isn't a good reason. Not if "all you went through" isn't bringing you together.

GilliC · January 2015

I also have trouble buying his location dependency. I live in a non-English-speaking country where it is notoriously hard for people to find work if they're not fluent in the local language. The graphic designers are some of the only ones to get work, because they can pick up freelance jobs and work from home.

If you really want to stay with him, you have to accept that he will quite likely always be this way. Are you sure this is something you can truly live with? No lying to yourself or glossing over it.

If you want to make this move, do it. You can give him an ultimatum that if he can't find a job at the new location, you aren't going to be able to continue supporting him. Harsh? Maybe, but if he's not willing to get off his ass and try to find a job, it says something about how much he's (not) invested in the relationship, don't you think?

And from your original post, it kind of sounds like you want to end it anyway. And that is TOTALLY OKAY!!! If he's not right for you, he's getting in the way of finding someone who is. (And he's a financial drain on top of it!) It's hard to change. My ex and I stayed together for years when we both wanted to split up, because we were afraid of the change and felt bad for giving up our history. But it was the right move.

Think long and hard, and then do what's right for you.

OtterJ · January 2015

The thing about graphic design (or any form of visual arts), is that there are certain locations with large businesses who hire graphic designers as their employees, and it does make it easier to get a "yes boss I'll design that for you" kind of job. BUT, as it has been mentioned above - no matter where you are, it is very possible to do any form of visual art (especially in a media that is easily transferred via computer - like graphic design) from anywhere in the world. The way to make it work? Work your @$$ off. It's exactly the same with a budding music career. You can succeed with either, no matter where you are, but you won't succeed with either unless you're willing to "pound the pavement," spend hours getting your name out there, networking, building your brand, and marketing yourself. There is a lot of creativity, passion, and artistic skill involved in both the visual and music arts, but there is also a LOT of required marketing and business that he has to be willing to tackle.

Right now, while he's working a simple fast food job, if he is not actively working to further his passion in music, and finding a viable spot in the industry, then it isn't a serious passion - it's a hobby that he really enjoys. I made the assumption that he hasn't been very active in pursing his musical dream based on your word choice, but if I'm wrong about that, then know that in addition to all of the skill and hard work....it also does take time to build your brand and create a foothold. Although - that doesn't mean that YOU have to be the one who patiently waits for his star to rise. Because.....

Having a long or great history is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that has run its course. You haven't exchanged vows - you have made no promise to stay by his side through thick and thin. If you're no longer in love with him, then find someone that you do eventually want to say those vows to....and build a life with. It's always hard to end a relationship that's lasted so long, but you (and he) will then have the chance to find something better.

TarponMonoxide · January 2015

Jreneez said:

I need some feedback. I have been in a relationship with the same man for 8 years. We met while we were both in college. I am currently at a place in my life where I feel our relationship is stagnate, especially since I feel that my boyfriend is depending on me too much. My boyfriend is in a tough field where it is all about location to find a position. Ever since he graduated from college he has only held a position in his field for 2 years.

He lost his job two years ago and I allowed for him to stay at my residence during my last year in grad school in 2013. When I graduated, I was offered a position with great opportunities but not an ideal location. However, i still allowed for him to move in with me.

I told him we needed to search simultaneously during that time but he did not succeed in finding a position in employers that were interested in my candidacy. I am currently looking to advance and move to another position at another location, however, I don't think I will allow for him to move with me. That may signal the end of our relationship.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? He currently contributes a bit by working a fast food job. He also has a passion to get in the music industry, but it has been so difficult to support him this long when I feel like I am being heavily depended on by a person who does not want to make an effort to at least find a job that will help himself.

I often end up buying most groceries as well sometimes covering payments for a car of his that is in collections in addition to my own bills. Luckily the position I have allows me to live rent free...the main reason why I allowed for him to move in with me in the first place. On top of this...I don't feel like being sexually active because I want to be able to make sure that we can hold off on conception while I feel we are not financially ready to have such a life opportunity happen at this moment.

Just wanting some honest feedback because my family already has given me advice on what they believe I should do but ultimately understand it is my life choice. Anyone who has been in a similar position?

If you do not feel the same about him, do yourself and him a favor and move on, strictly based on that.

He is a sign of the times. Like most people he's having a hard time finding something to viably sustain himself with a full time livable wage.

Don't consider conceiving a child unless you and he both feel the same way about each other and the both of you have viable jobs that you've both held for awhile. You say the relation has stagnated, plus he isn't pulling in a full time job with a wage to support the 2 of you, let alone 3 people? Then no way consider having a kiddo with a guy like this.

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