Humiliated Over Christmas

TheMadHatter93 · December 2014

I grew up with a severe social anxiety disorder, it was only this September that I started beta blockers to help and they worked social wonders for my wedding. But at the start of December I lost my pills and was off them for almost 2 weeks, I am still not back to the point where my anxiety is not an issue.

So Christmas day we went to our second dinner on my husbands side. His grandmothers friend was hosting the event in his home - in attendance was his grandmother, his mother and her boyfriend, his aunt plus the host and his partner.

Normally at these things I am able to simple nod and smile to get by - everyone gets that I an painfully shy and no one has ever gone out of their way to humiliate me, until this year that is.

The host didn't like the fact that I was shy, despite almost all of the guests pointing out that there was no problem with it. He would ask me questions and I tried to answer to the best of my ability but instead he constantly poked fun at how quiet I was and seemed almost mad about it, but I just continued to smile and laugh and nod in hopes it would end soon.

Dinner was ready (buffet style) and to my horror it was all "high end" dishes with lots of ingredients (I am a severely picky eater as well), I only had some salad, a bun and a baked potato on my plate. I didn't even plan on eating the baked potato as you could see it was filled with a lot of random things but I took it to fill my plate and avoid humiliation.

Well the host noticed the small amount of food on my plate and made a scene about it, luckily my husbands aunt swooped in and turned it into a joke about how if they all ate like me that they wouldn't all be obese - I was so grateful that she took the attention away from me! During dinner they began to discuss the dessert options - coconut cream pie and cheesecake - and the host made a joke that I'd likely take neither... Even though he was right I commented that I had never tried cheesecake so I'd be willing to try a small piece.

As dinner began to wind down the host noticed that I was just picking around the edges of the baked potato - so he very loudly began to explain to me the process of making it and every ingredient inside - he also made sure everyone had seen that I had been poking at it because I didn't like it. I was humiliated by that, I felt my cheeks burning up and tears welling up in my eyes... but his grandmother noticed and pulled the conversation towards herself. (She also later confided in me that she understood what I was going though and that it gets better).

Dessert time was fast approaching and I quickly realized that I was apparently the only one who would even be eating dessert, as soon as the host asked me if I was ready I had to sheepishly comment that I was actually not hungry despite being starving - I did not want to be the only person eating dessert when I knew I was likely going to try it and dislike it.

My husband excused himself to the washroom and the host quickly snatched up the seat beside me, when my husband came back he stood awkwardly on the opposite side of the room unsure of what was happening. The host began to become very loud in telling stories and often hit me in the arm as he told me, him touching me was crossing a line. He then turned attention back to me because I had only drunk water, he teased me and made some more humiliating jabs that I just smiled through.

At this point my husband tried to save me by saying we had to get home to feed the animals but the host quickly dismissed the idea of us leaving after "only" 2 hours over. After another half hour of the torture my husband was finally able to usher me away from the table and into the living room with his grandmother, we were able to excuse ourselves shortly later and walked home instead of waiting for the ride that the host insisted on giving an hour after.

On the way home I expressed how unbelievable the host was in repeatedly humiliating me despite being told by my in laws that I was very shy and always had been! I hated how he thought it was unacceptable for me to be too shy to have a conversation and how he refused to be polite to me considering this is our first meeting. My husband explained that he is just someone that takes getting used to but I feel like I shouldn't be expected to "get to know him" after what he put me through.

I told my husband that next year we could have his mother and grandmother over because I would not be going to that mans house ever again... but my husband feels like I am overreacting and that I need to give him a chance. My husband is so fixated on trying to have a big family tradition for his side that he is ignoring how uncomfortable I was made during my time in that home and expects me to tolerate that kind of abuse again.

Does anyone think I am overreacting? Or is it a good thing for us to invite those he is related to over to our home where I can be comfortable?

TarponMonoxide · December 2014

TheMadHatter93 said:

I grew up with a severe social anxiety disorder, it was only this September that I started beta blockers to help and they worked social wonders for my wedding. But at the start of December I lost my pills and was off them for almost 2 weeks, I am still not back to the point where my anxiety is not an issue.

So Christmas day we went to our second dinner on my husbands side. His grandmothers friend was hosting the event in his home - in attendance was his grandmother, his mother and her boyfriend, his aunt plus the host and his partner.

Normally at these things I am able to simple nod and smile to get by - everyone gets that I an painfully shy and no one has ever gone out of their way to humiliate me, until this year that is.

The host didn't like the fact that I was shy, despite almost all of the guests pointing out that there was no problem with it. He would ask me questions and I tried to answer to the best of my ability but instead he constantly poked fun at how quiet I was and seemed almost mad about it, but I just continued to smile and laugh and nod in hopes it would end soon.

Dinner was ready (buffet style) and to my horror it was all "high end" dishes with lots of ingredients (I am a severely picky eater as well), I only had some salad, a bun and a baked potato on my plate. I didn't even plan on eating the baked potato as you could see it was filled with a lot of random things but I took it to fill my plate and avoid humiliation.

Well the host noticed the small amount of food on my plate and made a scene about it, luckily my husbands aunt swooped in and turned it into a joke about how if they all ate like me that they wouldn't all be obese - I was so grateful that she took the attention away from me! During dinner they began to discuss the dessert options - coconut cream pie and cheesecake - and the host made a joke that I'd likely take neither... Even though he was right I commented that I had never tried cheesecake so I'd be willing to try a small piece.

As dinner began to wind down the host noticed that I was just picking around the edges of the baked potato - so he very loudly began to explain to me the process of making it and every ingredient inside - he also made sure everyone had seen that I had been poking at it because I didn't like it. I was humiliated by that, I felt my cheeks burning up and tears welling up in my eyes... but his grandmother noticed and pulled the conversation towards herself. (She also later confided in me that she understood what I was going though and that it gets better).

Dessert time was fast approaching and I quickly realized that I was apparently the only one who would even be eating dessert, as soon as the host asked me if I was ready I had to sheepishly comment that I was actually not hungry despite being starving - I did not want to be the only person eating dessert when I knew I was likely going to try it and dislike it.

My husband excused himself to the washroom and the host quickly snatched up the seat beside me, when my husband came back he stood awkwardly on the opposite side of the room unsure of what was happening. The host began to become very loud in telling stories and often hit me in the arm as he told me, him touching me was crossing a line. He then turned attention back to me because I had only drunk water, he teased me and made some more humiliating jabs that I just smiled through.

At this point my husband tried to save me by saying we had to get home to feed the animals but the host quickly dismissed the idea of us leaving after "only" 2 hours over. After another half hour of the torture my husband was finally able to usher me away from the table and into the living room with his grandmother, we were able to excuse ourselves shortly later and walked home instead of waiting for the ride that the host insisted on giving an hour after.

On the way home I expressed how unbelievable the host was in repeatedly humiliating me despite being told by my in laws that I was very shy and always had been! I hated how he thought it was unacceptable for me to be too shy to have a conversation and how he refused to be polite to me considering this is our first meeting. My husband explained that he is just someone that takes getting used to but I feel like I shouldn't be expected to "get to know him" after what he put me through.

I told my husband that next year we could have his mother and grandmother over because I would not be going to that mans house ever again... but my husband feels like I am overreacting and that I need to give him a chance. My husband is so fixated on trying to have a big family tradition for his side that he is ignoring how uncomfortable I was made during my time in that home and expects me to tolerate that kind of abuse again.

Does anyone think I am overreacting? Or is it a good thing for us to invite those he is related to over to our home where I can be comfortable?

You say you are painfully shy?

Nonwithstanding your social anxiety, look into a professional or social based group that you can join --- an become as active a member as you can be.:)

Partake in committes, discussions the club has during meetings, get involved with the social aspect of it! (every club I know has a social facet, even if it is a professional group that is related to one's business or occupation)

You will find something to do, you'll show people how smart you are and you'll have a good time --- this should do wonder for allaying your shyness.

If there is a Toastmasters group, sign up for that: this is public speaking. This will also work on your shyness issue.

That host sounds more than just a little rude.

The next time you go to somebody's house for dinner, bring a dessert that will be welcome, even to the more finnicky eaters or steadfast dieters --- something fresh fruit or a pie that isn't full of sugar and other high calorie addidtions. Apple cobbler or berry cobbler usually is less of a caloric insult -- bring ice cream, etc. Even dieters can stand even the smallest scoop of ice cream.

Lots of guests bring stuff to people's homes, when there is a party or a dinner party.:)

Consider taking cooking lessons! Find recipes that you, the finnicky eater, will love to put together -- there are fantastic diabetic/gluten free recipes/cookbooks out there.:)

Work on allaying your shyness. Life is too short to be fenced in by something that can be worked on --- getting back to the social/business organization: you'll find dozens of people to talk to; that's because all of you have a common cause you are interested in.:)

Consider learning Kung Fu or some other martial arts! Great discipline and a great confidence builder, too.

Dance lessons of any kind are also great for discipline and building your self confidence.

Shyness is bordering on an illness ---- have you ever discussed your shyness with your health care professional?

And do not mess with any kind of medication you are prescribed to take --- when you lost your supply, why didn't you call in and get a refill? Tell them you've lost what you had; they may have to call your doc and get the okay but wow, it sure is better than going without.

als1982 · December 2014

The host was a classless jerk.

I would make it clear to your husband that you won't be attending a party in this person's home again, and that if your husband wants to create a holiday tradition for your new family, it won't be one that includes someone who degrades you and makes you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry you had to go though this.

TheMadHatter93 · December 2014

TarponMonoxide - I did actually bring a salad to the dinner, it was the only thing I ate besides a bun! If you read, I am not just shy... I was actually diagnosed with a severe social anxiety disorder which is an actual condition. It isn't as simple as just getting out there, which I have tried! When I lost my medication I couldn't call in for a refill because my insurance wouldn't pay for a refill so soon and it is too costly to pay out of pocket. Even with the medication I would've been somewhat shy towards the host but I at least wouldn't have been so humiliated I was almost to tears.

ais1982 - We have discussed this since then and I made it clear that if he wished to attend next year he is free to, but I won't be. Classless is truly the word to describe his behaviour - his home is so expensively decorated and he is so high up that I guess he just looks down on the small people like me.

VOR · December 2014

I know you feel humliated but you shouldn't. It seems as if a lot of the other people there were coming to your defends and TRUST ME- they think he's the asshole. Not you. And you need to read your DH the riot act. He's really o.k. with someone treating you like that??? WTF?

Xstatic3333 · December 2014

There is no way I would be attending that event again. Ever.

I have a combination of legitimate dietary restrictions (severe nut allergy), choices (pescatarian and pretty strict about it), and pickyness (I know I should work on it but I just can't do mayonnaise or soft cheese), and I realize this is rough on anyone who hosts me. I always try to graciously eat what I can at parties while being polite, and it sounds like you did that. It will never make sense to me why some people will make such a fuss when you graciously decline to eat something. I've been treated like that before, and it sucks.

I do agree with PPs as well that your H should be just as mad about this as you are.

MommyLiberty5013 · December 2014

Well, the saying is true, money can't buy everything. In this case, money cannot buy class or a kind heart. I'm sorry this happened to you!

I think you should try and focus on how awesomely YOU handled all of this crud this jerk tossed your way. Seriously, from what you described, it sounds like this man would have had most women on the edge and you dealt with it very gracefully and graciously. Applause!!! Keep thinking about your response and manners in the whole episode. You did very well.

Maybe see this as a step in a good direction. You got this event under your belt. Honestly, could things get that much worse then what occurred here??? If you made it through this, you could get through anything.

dragon_chica · December 2014

I'm more angry at the fact that YOUR HUSBAND stood by and didn't do anything. His weak-ass attempt at leaving the party is laughable. One would assume that your husband would be well-versed in your anxiety disorder and truly understand how difficult this is for you instead of dismissing your feelings the way he did. The buffoon of a host can act like a buffoon if he wants, especially in his home. BUT, your husband should've acted like a husband.

puppylove2014 · December 2014

I agree with pp's. What is up with your husband? Does he not truly understand your limitations?

You don't have to see this man ever again. If it were me, the only way I would even consider giving him another chance would be if your husband or an in-law spoke with him about his behavior and he was regretful because he didn't not realize you're issues. However, you are not at all obligated to do so.

I just don't understand why your husband thinks you need to deal with this. Having your in laws over sounds like a lovely tradition to start.

BlueBirdMB · December 2014

To the defense of the host, sometimes extroverts, like myself, don't understand or realize when people are feeling awkward in social situations and are simply trying to poke fun. I know people who would say what your host said and mean it in a joking way without realizing they were being hurtful. It's interesting how different people perceive the same situation.

I am mostly concerned about how your husband doesn't seem to realize how upset you were. He should know you and understand your feelings. You need to do what makes you comfortable and there is no shame in that.

Ilumine · December 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

To the defense of the host, sometimes extroverts, like myself, don't understand or realize when people are feeling awkward in social situations and are simply trying to poke fun. I know people who would say what your host said and mean it in a joking way without realizing they were being hurtful. It's interesting how different people perceive the same situation.

I am mostly concerned about how your husband doesn't seem to realize how upset you were. He should know you and understand your feelings. You need to do what makes you comfortable and there is no shame in that.

Can you explain why you think it is perfectly ok to POKE FUN at someone? Pointing out someone's differences is never appropriate in a Miss Manners way, let alone in an empathetic or compassionate way. And it most certainly not funny to anyone other than the person poking.

So again, can you please tell me where the humor is when you point out that someone doesn't eat as much as YOU want or is as boisterous as YOU are or may not want to eat dessert like YOU do? Where is the funny?

TheMadHatter93 · December 2014

In terms of my husband:

Even after 5 years together, he just cannot truly appreciate the struggle I go through with social anxiety, he is one of those people that believe that you just go and do something and has a hard time seeing "invisible limitations" that could be preventing you from doing so. I also suffer from chronic migraines (which is also hard for people to understand) and he never truly "got it" until after we moved in together and he experienced me thrashing in bed from unbearable pain and throwing up all night.

When I talked to him about how he should've stepped up and got me out of there, he had a few different explanations. First of all he didn't see how much I was bothered, except for when we made eye contact a few times and he seen that there was a problem - but even then he wasn't 100% sure what the problem was and he knew better than to confront me in front of everyone. He also didn't want to push leaving too hard to avoid offending his family members.

After this incident we actually have a new understanding of how to deal with them - we need an actual signal that I am very distressed and that I need to leave immediately.

BlueBirdMB said:

To the defense of the host, sometimes extroverts, like myself, don't understand or realize when people are feeling awkward in social situations and are simply trying to poke fun. I know people who would say what your host said and mean it in a joking way without realizing they were being hurtful. It's interesting how different people perceive the same situation.

Just in response to this, I can fully understand hosts trying to joke around and not always realizing if they are making someone uncomfortable. But there is a big difference between some light teasing (which is acceptable) and bullying the guest because you are trying to change how they function. Also, if a host is going to use teasing they should make a point not to single one person out all evening.

There were of course a few moments where it was just that - he was just trying to tease me a bit and lighten the situation for me by making a small joke at my expense. But he quickly became too aggressive and used me as the running joke for the night - a couple of other guests got some light teasing but not one of them was teased as relentlessly as I was.

VOR · December 2014

Ilumine said:

BlueBirdMB said:

To the defense of the host, sometimes extroverts, like myself, don't understand or realize when people are feeling awkward in social situations and are simply trying to poke fun. I know people who would say what your host said and mean it in a joking way without realizing they were being hurtful. It's interesting how different people perceive the same situation.

I am mostly concerned about how your husband doesn't seem to realize how upset you were. He should know you and understand your feelings. You need to do what makes you comfortable and there is no shame in that.

Can you explain why you think it is perfectly ok to POKE FUN at someone? Pointing out someone's differences is never appropriate in a Miss Manners way, let alone in an empathetic or compassionate way. And it most certainly not funny to anyone other than the person poking.

So again, can you please tell me where the humor is when you point out that someone doesn't eat as much as YOU want or is as boisterous as YOU are or may not want to eat dessert like YOU do? Where is the funny?

JFC. Thank you. Especially if you don't know the person well. This is all in the same vein of "It's just a joke. Lighten up!". Why is it o.k for the "joke teller" to upset other people and make it THEIR problem when they don't find it funny??

Why isn't simply respecting that some people are quiet, or don't eat a lot, or just DIFFERENT from you o.k.? why do these things have to become fodder for the host to make fun of them??

There are plenty of time and places to joke around and have fun - but singling someone out (especially someone you've invited to your home) and "poking fun" to emphasize their differences is just mean.

VOR · December 2014

TheMadHatter93 said:

He also didn't want to push leaving too hard to avoid offending his family members.

But WHY OH WHY is it o.k. for his family to offend YOU? Why are their feelings more important than yours??? The woman he loves enough to wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with? Why dont' YOU matter?

You've been married long enough that even if he can't fully understand your anxiety, he should know damn well when you're uncomfortable and upset.

You're making excuses for him just as much as he's making them for himself.

TheMadHatter93 · December 2014

VOR said:

TheMadHatter93 said:

He also didn't want to push leaving too hard to avoid offending his family members.

But WHY OH WHY is it o.k. for his family to offend YOU? Why are their feelings more important than yours??? The woman he loves enough to wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with? Why dont' YOU matter?
You've been married long enough that even if he can't fully understand your anxiety, he should know damn well when you're uncomfortable and upset.
You're making excuses for him just as much as he's making them for himself.

I understand his reasoning but I didn't say it was okay for him to keep me in an uncomfortable situation to avoid ruffling feathers. At least going forward there is a new understanding and hopefully he'll be able to remove me from situations if needed.

Luckily in the future I will not have to deal with this family friend again and we're only going to deal directly with his family as they understand me and will respect me regardless of how quiet I can be.

simplyelise · December 2014

One of the most touching gestures my DH ever made was to do research on how to be a supportive partner to someone with anxiety disorders. It has helped our relationship immensely for him to feel like he can help me and for me to feel like I can share with him. I'd suggest doing some research on books or blogs that are oriented towards partners of people with social anxiety or give first hand accounts of social anxiety to help him understand what you can't explain.

It's still really difficult for me sometimes to attend gatherings outside of family, but my coping mechanisms make me look far more at ease than I am. It could be entirely possible that your SO really doesn't get the full extent of your mental state in these situations. It sounds like you guys are communicating on this and have some new plans going forward. Good luck! and I hope your meds work out well for you!

BlueBirdMB · December 2014

I'm just saying that perhaps the host's perception and OP's perception were very different. He may have simply made small jokes and she felt he was pointing out her differences. Some people joke with everyone, which isn't always appropriate. My husband is very shy and often perceives situations and people very very differently than others do because he thinks small things are big things that make him feel uncomfortable. This is a big reason why it's important to know the person before joking with them, but some people don't realize this. All I was saying is that the host may not have been attempting to make the OP feel uncomfortable at all.

BlueBirdMB · December 2014

And to follow up, my husband will often hear something completely different than what I heard. It's amazing how slightly rephrasing a statement can give it a different context. I fully believe that perception is all that matters- if OP felt hurt, then that is her reality and her reality is all that matters. However, it's been helpful to my husband to hear what I heard and realize his perceptions aren't always correct. I'm always supportive of his feelings and I would help him out of any situation that where he feels uncomfortable, but he realizes that sometimes he takes things differently than intended.

Ilumine · December 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

I'm just saying that perhaps the host's perception and OP's perception were very different. He may have simply made small jokes and she felt he was pointing out her differences. Some people joke with everyone, which isn't always appropriate. My husband is very shy and often perceives situations and people very very differently than others do because he thinks small things are big things that make him feel uncomfortable. This is a big reason why it's important to know the person before joking with them, but some people don't realize this. All I was saying is that the host may not have been attempting to make the OP feel uncomfortable at all.

The bolded is the whole point we are trying to make here. YOU NEVER MAKE JOKES AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF THEY WILL SEE IT AS A JOKE.

To assume that it is ok to make a joke at someone else's expense is presumptuous, self-centered and downright mean.

VOR · December 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

I fully believe that perception is all that matters- if OP felt hurt, then that is her reality and her reality is all that matters.

Oy. while I agree that perception can play a role, it is NOT "all" that matters. While maybe the host really meant to be lighthearted, it could still be that he actually WAS an asshole about it. Other people came to her defense - she wasn't the only one who saw and heard what he was doing.

Or he MEANT to be an asshole. We don't know. And perhaps the OP doesn't really know. But it still doesn't matter - "poking" fun at someone who you don't know if they'll take it as such is wrong and MEAN.

Plus - the way the OP describes everything, it would also take an incredibly obtuse person (the host) to realize its not time to back the fuck off. Which is why I think he wasn't simply "poking fun" at her. He saw she was upset but still kept AT IT.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2014

I'm just unsure why the OP's husband, who obviously knew she was upset, didn't defend her? That's sort of concerning, in my opinion.

Wahoo · January 2015

Wow, I am so sorry that you had to go through this at Christmas!

I am in my 40's, and trust me, it does get easier!

I will say....many of the things that "humiliated" you are not things you should be humiliated about (ie: not eating your baked potato, not liking dessert). I understand that your host just made things worse, but is that part of your disorder?

Your DH needs to put YOU first. "One great big holiday tradition" that leaves you miserable is nothing to want for Christmas!

I will point out the positive, your dh's family were really awesome when it came to defending you (unfortunately better than your DH!).

Tofumonkey · January 2015

I'm going to go a different way on this.

You are ultimately responsible for your own limitations, and I am quite surprised that your husband wasn't with you on this. I'm also surprised that the both of you hadn't talked it through beforehand and had made appropriate arrangements.

Things you could have done in advance:

make sure you have a way to get home without waiting or relying on anyone else if you were to get uncomfortable. He could have called the host to see if there was something you could bring, giving them a bit of a head's up that you've got some dietary issues and may not be able to try everything, but you would really like to bring something to contribute as well. You could have a code word with your husband. We reference Odyssey or pineapples if one of us is uncomfortable and needs a bail-out. It cheesy, but effective.

There are better ways that you could have dealt with this (and could deal with it in the future) that could help to prevent it escalating so badly. Tell the host that you aren't feeling well and although everything looks and smells delicious, you're just not able to eat very much, but thank you.That tends to go over much better than 'I'm a picky eater'.

From the host's point of view - you came over, sat meekly at the table and didn't talk to anyone. Didn't eat anything and kind of picked at your food. Dinner was 'high end' to your horror - but in his mind he had taken the care and expense to prepare something nice, that you turned your nose up at. I'm not saying to eat it, I'm saying to give a reason that accounts for your host's feelings.

If you were going to a dinner party to not talk to anyone, not touch anyone and not eat anything - why did you even go? Your husband may be a fan of big family events but he surely knew this about you going in.

Look - I get it. I'm a nightmare at dinner parties. Not only am I a vegetarian (the bane of all dinner party guests, I know, I know), I have a severe autoimmune disease. On my medications I cannot drink at all - just water for me too. So I make a joke about it to pass it off if it comes up. I've been forced into sobriety. I have a water addiction, I know it's weird. I like to pretend it's straight vodka. Ha ha ha, moving on. I get tired quickly and randomly, with symptoms flaring up at will and when it comes on and I am not with people I'm comfortable with seeing me in a moment of weakness I politely excuse myself and go to the washroom, or go make a phone call in another room, or 'go check on something' in the living room on my phone. My husband then comes to check on me and if we have to leave to do politely and graciously.

I agree that the host seems more like he was trying to involve you and lighten things up rather than being deliberately horrible to you - he obviously should have picked up on your cues right off the start. Unfortunately he didn't, and you are left feeling like this.

Hopefully with some proactive steps and thinking it through the next time you have a social outing like this it won't be so bad.

Good luck.

TheMadHatter93 · January 2015

Tofumonkey - We had tried to make sure in advance that there'd be food that I'd eat. His grandmother explained that there would be salads, potatoes, chicken fingers and cake for dessert. Normally that sounds like a simple arrangement of foods but when I got there the salad had to be seafood (can't eat any seafood), the chicken fingers were very heavily seasoned (can't have salts), the potatoes were unlike anything I had ever seen...

Having suffered from this for a long time - I fully understand that people view my behavior as stuck up and rude... but the host was also made aware that I was very shy (he said himself that there was no reason for that to my face) and I had made a comment to him that I just couldn't eat all the food.

I also did speak to people in short sentences, I did hug people and I did try to show an interest in the general conversation despite not contributing. To not go to things because I am simply nervous that the worst case scenario could happen would be far too limiting for me. If there had been simpler food available there likely wouldn't have been an issue at all because he couldn't have kept teasing me about being quiet.

Hopefully with practice we will get better at handling these issues. Codewords will certainly help along with a system for him to check to make sure I don't get stuck alone in a bad situation.

Tofumonkey · January 2015

Look, you really can't fault the guy for preparing a nice meal. You know what kind of food you eat, your responsibility to bring something you could eat or eat beforehand and politely decline. What was he supposed to do? It doesn't sound like he could have pleased you over the menu - even if he had just baked a plain potato you would have found something about it. Aside from putting out a loaf of white Wonderbread for you I can't really see where he could have possibly won on this one. The guy made a nice meal. That's not a bad thing.

Him saying that there is no reason to be shy is a very common phrase when someone is trying to break the ice or re-assure someone that they are welcome and can relax. That really doesn't sound malicious.

For you to say that the catalyst was that he didn't provide food simple enough is just something that makes you seem irrational about this - which could be contributing to your husband not taking it as seriously as he should. Kind of like crying wolf. Focus on the things that matter, like him incessantly mocking you and bringing you to attention. Him touching you repeatedly once you had made it clear that it wasn't okay. You having to wait there uncomfortable and humiliated for a ride.

Focusing on the food being too nice is taking away the gravity of the real issues that happened.

Humiliated Over Christmas

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