Alienation 101

Shunned · January 2015

We have a few adult children (between us), the youngest of whom is a girl; 3 males, 2 females. Alienation has occurred and for 3 years we've had no contact with 2 or our children and sporadic contact with 1. The third son only contacts every now and again - he's always busy, though he seems to find time to phone his siblings.

A family dispute erupted just on 3 years ago. One child went through my computer and downloaded sensitive material I'd posted there. She was meant to be looking for a job. I had written things which were not true in the spirit of a site where I was participating; a fiction/fantasy on my part. Nevertheless she downloaded and printed what I'd written and disseminated it through the family, possibly wider than that. This is the ultimate betrayal of trust; going through somebody's diary and disseminating it. Wouldn't do it to my worst enemy. On for the forum I'd also asked advice about her, saying I was embarrassed and ashamed of her and how she was conducting her life. The unmentionable hit the fan and 2 of my sons supported her.

Time has moved on. New children have been born and one son and daughter-in-law send Christmas cards around to my own sisters and their families, together with photos of their own children (our grandchildren). This is the ultimate treachery, since we were not even informed when the last one was born. My own feeling is that a nicer daughter-in-law wouldn't do such a thing, but act in a more conciliatory fashion towards her husband's family. But, no, she presents herself as all sugar and spice and is essentially very two-faced.

Christmas time and two sons were with us; the eldest separated. He gave me a Christmas gift and I was happy and surprised. When opening it he said, "i bought it for myself and didn't want it so instead of throwing it out I thought I'd give it to you". Also, one daughter has complained to another sibling, "I don't know why he (my husband) stays with her". We have been together 42 years and are very happy!! She was once Daddy's girl until he told her, "change your life; we don't like the way you live - don't come back until you've done it". I feel the same way.

We have vile children and have been through the grieving process - the normal human way of separating from others when there's a loss in our lives. I don't feel I want them back as too many hurts have poisoned the well. They will get such a shock when we die as we have made wills so that there will be little for each of them and precious little they can do about it.

We both did the best we could; I took care of them as a full time Mum, bought them cars, paid for university etc. etc. But something went horribly wrong and I feel that in treating us this way they are giving their own children permission to do the same to them in the future.

I have lots of outside academic interests and we both travel lots, spending much time abroad. My independent life of lectures, reading, travelling etc. must be a source of aggravation to them since I don't fulfill the role they'd like for me; shut up and knit!!

Has anyone had a similar experience?

VOR · January 2015

So you post fantasy stuff online, but call it your diary, you ask for advice on this same site.... But yet you admit you make stuff up. Was it wrong to snoop and find this stuff, sure. But that doesn't absolve YOUR role -you wrote aboutyour family, LIED about your family. Then you call it the 'ultimate treachery" that they didn't tell you about their child. That's pretty big- not to tell you. But your reaction? "Treachery"??? YEah - I don't think you're innocent in this and I would LOVE to hear your kdis side.

Shunned · January 2015

I meant "diary" in the metaphorical sense. I don't understand your comment "they didn't tell you about your child?"

I didn't lie about my family at all. My daughter is a sleazy pole dancer and does lap dancing and I felt ashamed of her and got advice from that help site. That's when I also wrote about affairs of the heart I'd had over the years - only 1 was true, though I said I'd had more because I was helping others with their problems in the same situation. This was to build credibility to give advice. In any case, the relationship between a mother and a father in a family is absolutely no business whatsoever of any of the children. My husband has stood by me and is disgusted by the antics of our adult children. I'm not 'innocent' - few people ever are - but I did the best I could as a parent.

Suffice it to say they have been mostly removed from our Wills, all of them.

Thanks for your caring advice!!!(??)

VOR · January 2015

LOL. I'm going to chalk this up to mud. You call your kids vile, you call your DD a "sleazy pole dancer". You have 5 kids and you have issues with ALL of them? And you wonder why?? LOL .... I'm going to put that on you and your DH. All your kids are vile and screwups? That comes back to the parents. Your attitude here is pretty telling. But again, I'm thinking this is MUD. (Made up drama - just like you do on that "other' board)

puppylove2014 · January 2015

Shunned said:

I meant "diary" in the metaphorical sense. I don't understand your comment "they didn't tell you about your child?"

I didn't lie about my family at all. My daughter is a sleazy pole dancer and does lap dancing and I felt ashamed of her and got advice from that help site. That's when I also wrote about affairs of the heart I'd had over the years - only 1 was true, though I said I'd had more because I was helping others with their problems in the same situation. This was to build credibility to give advice. In any case, the relationship between a mother and a father in a family is absolutely no business whatsoever of any of the children. My husband has stood by me and is disgusted by the antics of our adult children. I'm not 'innocent' - few people ever are - but I did the best I could as a parent.

Suffice it to say they have been mostly removed from our Wills, all of them.

Thanks for your caring advice!!!(??)

Shunned said:

We have a few adult children (between us), the youngest of whom is a girl; 3 males, 2 females. Alienation has occurred and for 3 years we've had no contact with 2 or our children and sporadic contact with 1. The third son only contacts every now and again - he's always busy, though he seems to find time to phone his siblings.

A family dispute erupted just on 3 years ago. One child went through my computer and downloaded sensitive material I'd posted there. She was meant to be looking for a job. I had written things which were not true in the spirit of a site where I was participating; a fiction/fantasy on my part. Nevertheless she downloaded and printed what I'd written and disseminated it through the family, possibly wider than that. This is the ultimate betrayal of trust; going through somebody's diary and disseminating it. Wouldn't do it to my worst enemy. On for the forum I'd also asked advice about her, saying I was embarrassed and ashamed of her and how she was conducting her life. The unmentionable hit the fan and 2 of my sons supported her.

Time has moved on. New children have been born and one son and daughter-in-law send Christmas cards around to my own sisters and their families, together with photos of their own children (our grandchildren). This is the ultimate treachery, since we were not even informed when the last one was born. My own feeling is that a nicer daughter-in-law wouldn't do such a thing, but act in a more conciliatory fashion towards her husband's family. But, no, she presents herself as all sugar and spice and is essentially very two-faced.

Christmas time and two sons were with us; the eldest separated. He gave me a Christmas gift and I was happy and surprised. When opening it he said, "i bought it for myself and didn't want it so instead of throwing it out I thought I'd give it to you". Also, one daughter has complained to another sibling, "I don't know why he (my husband) stays with her". We have been together 42 years and are very happy!! She was once Daddy's girl until he told her, "change your life; we don't like the way you live - don't come back until you've done it". I feel the same way.

We have vile children and have been through the grieving process - the normal human way of separating from others when there's a loss in our lives. I don't feel I want them back as too many hurts have poisoned the well. They will get such a shock when we die as we have made wills so that there will be little for each of them and precious little they can do about it.

We both did the best we could; I took care of them as a full time Mum, bought them cars, paid for university etc. etc. But something went horribly wrong and I feel that in treating us this way they are giving their own children permission to do the same to them in the future.

I have lots of outside academic interests and we both travel lots, spending much time abroad. My independent life of lectures, reading, travelling etc. must be a source of aggravation to them since I don't fulfill the role they'd like for me; shut up and knit!!

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Let me get this straight. Your daughter ran across a site where you stated you had several affairs and she is sleazy. So sleazy you are ashamed of her. Your daughter was obviously hurt by what you said about her and shocked that you cheated on her father...several times. She shared this information with her siblings who took her side. Because of these events (that were mostly your fault IMO) you despise your own children.

I don't think your kids are upset at your exciting life full of travel and, uh ...academic interests... I think they are upset that you are a drama queen and liar who feels she can judge others while clearly having a rather sticky moral compass herself.

I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine a scenario where it would ever be appropriate for a parent to use the word "vile" to describe their own children.

I think it's time you look at your own behavior in all this. Im pretty sure your children have a very interesting story to tell.

Disneygeek77 · January 2015

Ok, so let me get this straight ? It is ok for you to judge your daughter's behavior and life choices, but you are off limits ??? What she does is your business but what you put out on a PUBLIC message board is none of hers ?

You sound like you have some sort of personality disorder going on, I don't blame any of your children for distancing themselves from you and I have a feeling they don't give a crap about their " inheritance."

Shunned · January 2015

"Inheritance" they don't "care a crap about"? Firstly, that'll be why two of them talk it it and secondly most of the people on this board, judging by the language, are young. i.e. ENTITLED.

Serves me right for asking advice from teenagers who hang around the internet, probably a lot!

VOR · January 2015

That's it - keep your head in the sand. And for you to judge our language? LOL. You're overall spelling, grammar, etc - nothing to be bragging about.

I'm not saying that to be an ass. I'm saying that to point out that ONCE AGAIN you are judging but unwilling to see how you might be wrong and/or responsible.

ALL your kids are screw ups? That's a direct correlation to their parenting. Sorry- but it is.

puppylove2014 · January 2015

Shunned said:

"Inheritance" they don't "care a crap about"? Firstly, that'll be why two of them talk it it and secondly most of the people on this board, judging by the language, are young. i.e. ENTITLED.

Serves me right for asking advice from teenagers who hang around the internet, probably a lot!

I am rubber and you are glue...

puppylove2014 · January 2015

VOR said:

That's it - keep your head in the sand. And for you to judge our language? LOL. You're overall spelling, grammar, etc - nothing to be bragging about.
I'm not saying that to be an ass. I'm saying that to point out that ONCE AGAIN you are judging but unwilling to see how you might be wrong and/or responsible.
ALL your kids are screw ups? That's a direct correlation to their parenting. Sorry- but it is.

Yeah, I was having a very difficult time deciphering what the hell she was trying to say in all her posts. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt and think maybe English was a second language. Now I'm thinking @Disneygeek77 hit the nail on the head with "personality disorder".

Ilumine · January 2015

Shunned said:

"Inheritance" they don't "care a crap about"? Firstly, that'll be why two of them talk it it and secondly most of the people on this board, judging by the language, are young. i.e. ENTITLED.

Serves me right for asking advice from teenagers who hang around the internet, probably a lot!

Honey, I am the moderator and am 43.

And I too find, given what you wrote, that the problems between your children and your Husband and yourself are your fault.

The fact that you cannot understand that what you wrote on that website started this whole debacle; that posting about you daughter and your indiscretions and then the fact that you LIED about your indiscretions to garner credibility so you could push your agenda/beliefs is just as bad as, if not worse than what you say your children have done is a huge indicator of entitlement.

Would I want my child to be a stripper? No. But I also would not want my child to cheat in her marriage. Nor would I want my daughter to be a liar, especially to lie to manipulate people.

And I would never allow my daughter to be around someone who was a stripper or someone who cheated on her husband or who felt it was perfectly acceptable to lie to garnish sympathy and gain control over others to manipulate them.

Here's the thing though. Since you did all of these things without any thought about how they would affect others to begin with, you are never going to recognize that what you did was wrong. So yes, it is probably best that you do not come here again.

Alienation 101

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