Family Matters
Nancy6306
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Knowing when to put your foot down...or leaving things alone
It has been a long, long time since I've shared anything on this board. I will try to give basic information about me. DH and I will be celebrating 9 years of marriage in June. We have three daughters 13, 7, and 4. DH adopted our oldest daughter (from my first marriage) as his own shortly after we were married.
My relationship with my in-laws has been cordial. However, from the beginning I had sensed that they did not care much for me or even like me. Nothing they ever said to my face but a lot of actions that spoke louder than words. Important to note, I am Hispanic and DH is white. He grew up in an affluent town in MA. Even though it has not been said by his parents, I think they never liked the idea of their son marrying outside of his race. They may also not have liked that I was previously married and came as a package deal with my oldest daughter. Important to note, my husband grew up Catholic and had left the Catholic church before he met me. Although his parents have stopped attending church for years, they also did not like the idea that their son married a non-Catholic.
DH has one sibling, an older brother. He recently got married three months ago. I must say that he could not have made a better choice in the woman he married. She and I get along great. She is truly my "sister". I noticed the difference in how she was received into the family as compared to me. She also happens to be white and very successful in her career. I don't begrudge one bit how she was accepted (as she should be) but can't help to notice how different things have been for me.
The things that my in-laws do toward me are very subtle which can be missed by others, yet these actions are very noticeable to me. At times, and not sure if this goes hand in hand with men being clueless, but a lot of these things have gone unnoticed by DH. Well, this last thing that happened really has me thinking a lot and actually has me feeling hurt and angry. Like I said, my brother in law recently got married. Well, we were all at the in-laws at Christmas Eve along with other guests and family members. My mother in law had just received her copy of the wedding album that she had ordered (where she and FIL picked their favorite pictures) from the package. The album was left on the counter and I later looked through it myself. To my dismay, I noticed something significant. I was not in one of the pictures and I was a bridesmaid! They picked several pictures of my two youngest daughters since they were flower girls, and a couple of my oldest daughter (junior bridesmaid), several of DH with the girls, but none of me. That was deliberate, in my opinion. The only picture of the bridesmaids that they picked out was one in which my oldest daughter, maid of honor, and the other bridesmaid were eating a snack right before we got ready. I, of course, was not in that picture since I was getting my two youngest dressed.
At any rate, it's not a situation where people are saying cruel things but it's cruel actions that are made to devalue me. I feel that over the years, their actions have chipped away at me and I'm caught between suffering in silence and act like I don't notice or just purposely not have anything to do with them. Sometimes I wonder if maybe they unknowingly do these things but the more time passes by, I truly believe it's deliberate. DH, by the way, did not have a chance to see the photo album, nor did he know it was even there. He had to work on Christmas Eve so he left early. I finally told him yesterday that this was eating away at me. He hung his head in sadness and said that when he has a chance to see the album there is no way he will not mention to his parents why I'm not in any of the pictures. Of course, this will have to wait since the in-laws are snowbirds and live in FL from January-May.
Three beautiful girls!
DD#1 8-23-01
DD#2 4-25-07
DD#3 10-19-10
Re: Knowing when to put your foot down...or leaving things alone
What does he mean no way will he say anything???
He is supposed to take your side in this like it or not!--- he is to do that willingly and with no questions adked.
I'd be livid about that if I were you --- and the second you began to get slighted he should have stepped up and put his mother in his place.
How about you? Have you spoken up for yourself? "Ma, I've noted that none of thewse pictures in your album have me in them --- why is that?" and let her explain away. And you say it like it is when she is done talking.
Stand up for your rights. Don't let her push you around --- and if you want to give that wuss of a
H of yours a run for his money, ask her "Why are there no photos of me in this album" right in front of him.
He needs to stand with you. I strongly suggest counseling for you both --- he missed the memo that said "'forsaking all others' means that nobody comes between you and your spouse."
I think this is a conversation he can have now.
If your husband confronts them on this they will like you even less. No matter what you do or what your husband says to them, their minds are made up on you and their feelings will not change in any way shape or form unless it's to like you less.
You continue being the great person that you are and don't let it bother you because in the end it only affects you and you end up giving them the satisfaction of hurting you. Just ignore it and with time you won't even notice it anymore.
I'm sorry, but the person who said that OP should just ignore her IL's behavior - that is horrible advice. By ignoring the behavior, it sends the message that what these people are doing is okay when really, it IS NOT OKAY. I could see maybe, MAYBE if some kind of thing happened once, maybe just blowing it off, but this is repeatedly rude behavior. That IS NOT OKAY.
The passive aggressive behavior from her IL's is not only hurtful, it is rude....and wrong. And given the reaction of OP's H when she told him about the wedding album, chances are he's noticed it too, or even behind OP's back, stuff has been said to him - maybe prior to him marrying her - so he probably knows how his IL's feel and either didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt her, or felt that maybe their feelings would change over time once they were married. Either way, OP's H absolutely should say something to his parents. It's not right that they treat her differently and she should not suffer in silence just to appease them. If that means they like her even less, or that they need to be cut off, then so be it. I doubt they will change, but confronting them will at least get it all out in the open and maybe, just maybe they will cut the crap. Wishful thinking, but you never know. Sorry OP that you are dealing with this.
Giving assholes free reign to be assholes is NOT the answer.
How is she going to change their behavior? It's not like they are out right telling her nasty things or what not. They don't like her so they don't HAVE to have a picture of her, no matter what she does they DON'T like her and she CANNOT FORCE them to like her and her husband CANNOT FORCE them to like her either.
She does not have to kiss their asses because that's not what it's about, it's about accepting that they don't like you and moving on so I don't understand how my advice is horrid. She can chose not to be around them and when she is around them she can act aloof as if it doesn't faze her whether they are there or not because like I said, she CANNOT FORCE them to like her.
To totally ignore it is to say their behavior is o.k. and doesn't affect anyone. Which isn't the case on either point.
Maybe she is the one with the problem, perhaps they don't like how controlling and jealous she is. Have you read her previous posts? Maybe, her new sister in law has a nicer demeanor.
I don't think her being Hispanic has anything to do with them not liking her, I think it's her behavior that has spoken louder than words to them.
Oh that is bullshit. And yes, I have seen her other posts and usually they have been about similar situations with the whole race issue. I have never gotten the impression that OP is controlling. I think OP maybe has issues with security, yes, but I imagine those stem from feeling like her IL's do not like her because of her race and probably talk shit about her behind her back. And that is not a nice feeling to have, even in the most secure relationships, when you feel like your IL's do not like you, it sucks. Especially not for 9 years. And OP should not continue to sweep it under the rug as you have suggested she should do. Fuck that.
OP, I think waiting until they get back from FL like you said is a good idea. If your H was to call them now and confront them, it would be easy for them to say 'oh no, that's not true blah blah blah' but not really mean it because they are hiding behind the phone, but in person, you can see by their body language whether or not they are actually being honest with that or if they are full of mierda. Again sorry you are going through this - it's not nice to be in this kind of situation.
When I first confronted H about it, it was before we got married. He had never noticed before but promised to be more attentive when we visited them in the future. Slowly, he started noticing the same things I was talking about. His mother got really cocky and would start saying things about me to him when I wasn't there. He confronted her a couple times and she tried to twist everything and blame us. We don't talk to them much anymore because of this and on the rare occasion that we have a visit with them, we are usually able to laugh on our way home about how ridiculous they are. Just make sure your H is on the same page as you are and remember that it's okay to stand up for yourself...nobody has the right to treat you like garbage, especially them.
This could be an oversight. This could be a situation of you not being in a lot of photos because you were busy elsewhere at the time the candid photos were mostly taken. This could seriously not be a big huge intentional omission. I also don't think it is okay to dictate what pictures other people include in their wedding albums.
Are there other things that they do that would make you assume that it was?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'm really not thinking that your inlaws are as horrible as you are perceiving them.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I find it cruel that you would be digging in my past, several years back, to discredit me. Not that it's anyone's business, but like many, my husband and I had a hiccup in the road. We went to counseling, both individual and together. It turns out our counselor strongly believed, in cases where trust has been broken, that there should not be any area in the marriage where both are not 100% transparent. If sharing passwords, making phone records available to your spouse saves your marriage, then that's what needs to be done. There's a huge difference between privacy and secrecy in a marriage.
Can someone share the privacy settings on here?
You wanted opinions - mine is to look at this for what it is, given your history and relationship with their son. Are they raving racists? Or do they just not like YOU (not all Hispanic people). It would be a lot easier for you to deal with the problem once you have clearly and objectively determined what it actually is.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
To follow on Tofu - how much does your DH tell his family? Because while he brought on some of the issues from his past, he could be talking to his family about it and painting himself in an entirely innocent, good light, while you're the mean wife who is possessive for no good reason.
They may be going off of what HE is telling them. This may not have anything to do w/ you being Hispanic. This might have to do partially with just who you are but then also with what your DH tells his family. I guess it's easier to just think "they are racists" because that's not quite as personal.
Because if they were racists, why are they so accepting of your daughter?
Nancy, I am not being cruel by looking at your previous posts. You yourself reference your previous posts in this one and so to get to the back story we have to look. You cannot get upset with everyone that doesn't agree into seeing you as a victim.
I am Hispanic as well, I am Dominican. I don't see your race playing an issue here, my point is that the way you have described your relationship with your husband maybe they just don't like it and that is why they are cold towards you. I'm not saying it is right, but it is worrisome to a parent to see their son/daughter in a situation like that.
I have had my share of problems with my husband's family and that is why I say that when they don't like you, they just don't like you and there is nothing you can do about it. You are not receiving insults or getting anyone in your face as I have had. I distanced myself from them and only see them on some rare occasions like the holidays. You just have to accept that they don't like you and maybe if you change your behavior towards your husband they might change their opinion of you and if they don't it's on them and not you.