How to deal with a rude and disrespectful stepmom?

Re: How to deal with a rude and disrespectful stepmom?

• VOR member

  

  January 2015

  I need more info. I doubt this is all new, right? So- how did it come that this get together was at their house? How often do any of the siblings host at their homes (including you)? In all of this, did anyone just say "we appreciate your flexibility, but it would really help everyone if there is a rough idea of what time you want peopel. I'd hate for some of us to show up at 9 am and others not until 2". ( and you actually retyped both of those long messages? That I guess were forwarded to you??)

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• puppylove2014 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  "Bitching her out" is not going to accomplish anything. I'm wondering what type of grown person would even use those words. I would tell your SIL to get the fuck out of my house and not come back if she thought she could behave that way in my home. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to show up to someone's home and attack them. None. If she cannot handle herself appropriately she needs to stay home.

  
  

  So, my advice...everyone calm down and take a look at this situation objectively. Put yourselves in step mothers shoes. Maybe it's time for one of you to host the holidays. 

  
  

  I think you should sit down with your dad and step mom...in person...and clear the air. But not at Christmas and not with a defensive chip on your shoulders. Your step mothers texts are a bit much, but it sounds like she is frustrated. I have a hard time dismissing this as step mom being totally at fault considering what yiur SIL is planning to do.  Maybe your step mother feels ganged up on. 

  
  

  On the one hand your step mom may be a horrible person, on the other, maybe she is sick of having to do everything to ensure you all have a good time just to get the feeling you guys can't stand her anyway. It's hard to tell from the information given about this one incident. 

  
  

  
  

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• VOR member

  

  January 2015

  puppylove2014 said:

  
  

  
  

  Your step mothers texts are a bit much, but it sounds like she is frustrated. I have a hard time dismissing this as step mom being totally at fault considering what yiur SIL is planning to do.  Maybe your step mother feels ganged up on. 

  
  

  On the one hand your step mom may be a horrible person, on the other, maybe she is sick of having to do everything to ensure you all have a good time just to get the feeling you guys can't stand her anyway. It's hard to tell from the information given about this one incident. 

  
  

  
  

  Yup - exactly.  If she really is a horrible person, o.k., talk to us about that.  But from what is posted - I do wonder about the "rest of the story" (i.e. the stepmothers version).   Going back to when they got together- were you and your siblings welcoming of her in your dad's life?  Up to and including when they got married?  

  You say she's no longer rude to you because you "kill her with kindness", but maybe SHE actually thinks your being GENUINELY nice and is thinking "Ah- finally, one of his kids accepts me".  I don't know- the fact that she was supposedly so rude to you until you were nice to her....  do you see how that reads?  That reads to me that there was a point where you WEREN'T nice to her.

  SO... talk to us some more OR doing some more self-introspection to determine how you contributed to the situation. 
  

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• Tofumonkey member

  

  January 2015

  Wait, WHY are any of you even GOING to this dinner thing? This woman sounds absolutely horrible and actually quite unbalanced. She sounds very insecure in her marriage and if I were in the position of you and your siblings I would honestly print out all of the texts, go together to see him at work and hand them over to him, explaining simply that you love him but you will no longer tolerate or subject yourself OR HIM to this woman's treatment. 
  
  New terms of your relationship with your father: no more contact between yourselves and his wife. None. No texts from her, no going to her house, nothing. You see and speak to him alone or not at all. You may lose your father for awhile.

  
  

  Sounds like you've already lost him anyway.

  
  

  
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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  intricaterobot said:

  Some background:

  My dad and my stepmom have been together for 6 or 7 years and got married just over a year ago.  There are three of us kids, my brother my sister, and I.  My stepmom is always extremely rude and disrespectful to my sister and brother, and my sister-in-law.  She used to be rude to me all the time but I just started biting my tongue and killing her with kindness, but she continues to be extremely rude to my brother and his wife and my sister, which not only are they not okay with, but I'm not either.
  
  What kind of pushover is your dad???
  
  She is his second spouse; you are still his kids and no matter what, this is rude. He needed to tell her to cut it out -- in the presence of whoever itwas who was the victim of this mess -- the second she started and ensured it never happened again in his presence.
  
  Stand up for yourself. Tell her to cut it out  Don't be afraid of her.
  

  
  

  So here's what's going on now:

  We planned to have a family gathering for Christmas at my dad and stepmom's house.  When asked what time we should meet, they continually said to "come whenever, leave whenever."  After my sister asked again a few days before the party, my stepmom was extremely rude, texting back "Your dad told me you texted him at work to ask what time to come on Sunday.  Your dad really does not like calls and texts at work for things that can wait until after work but maybe it was so important that it could not wait.  I don't know.  We certainly don't want to discourage you children from contacting us.  But I thought we had already cleared up the details of the party.  ?? I am the one who schedules for, shops for, buys for, wraps for, cooks and cleans for any family even we have.  I have not had time to even get gifts for everyone let alone pick up food for this or clean, etc.  I have Saturday off to get ready.  Your dad has to work on Saturday.  Your dad bought one gift.  That is it.  I have done the rest.  And he relies on me to do it.  Your dad does exactly what you do.  He shows up to have a good time.  He helps with whatever I ask him to but he has been really tired lately and I don't have as much energy either.  So to ask him what time to be here is pretty much a waste of time.  As we already talked about I made it very easy for you.  Come when you want and leave when you want.  There is no time.  I will be having a meal probably in the afternoon around 2pm or so whenever I can get it ready.  Breakfast and lunch is on you.  If you have any questions let me know." 
  
  Now, I understand that it is easy to misinterpret someone's texts because lack of inflection and body language, but it is very clear she was being snarky.  After my sister received this, she was talking about it with my brother, who it really ticked off. 
  
  So my brother took things into his own hands and texted my dad telling him he would appreciate it if our dad would talk to our stepmom about her unneeded attitude and rudeness.  They went back and forth for a little bit.  While my dad was sleeping, our stepmom went through his phone and saw the messages between my brother and my dad.  At that point she sent this to my brother: "Who do you think you are telling your dad to have a talk with me before you come over Sunday because  you don't like what I have to say to your sister?  She is a big girl and she can speak up for herself.  She never said anything i regards to my texts to her, so why are you?  Who is the shit starter now?  Dont think you will ever tell me how I will or will not conduct myself in my own home in my own marriage or with your father.  I am a grown woman not some child you think you can control and manipulate.  Grow up.  This whole party was YOUR idea.  You dad was NOT happy when he found out you talked me into it.  We both told you we did not want to do Christmas here but no, you insisted on it and then tell your dad he better talk to me before you come.  Right. And I see it is all about the gifts not relationship.  If you or your wife were interested in relationship you would be talking to me and not backstabbing about me to your dad.  I am sick of your wife - the two of you having your childish fits and going wah wahhh to daddy.  I am sick of your disrepectful jokes and perverted mind.  Back off.  Dont interfere with my marriage.  And if you have something to say to me say it and the same goes for your wife...to me...not hiding beind your daddys shirt tail.  But you and sally neither one can do that because all you want to do is start shit all the time.  It never ends with you two.  I dont play those games.  And i don't appreciate your wife being all snuggly poo with my husband while treating me like shit either.  What is up with that?  Why is your dad telling her he would buy her a new car if he could?  Just what is she saying to him when she texts him at midnight?  And what is up with the two of you talking to your dad about me behind my back?  if you want anyones wife talked to talk to your own and tell her i dont appreciate her attentions to my husband.  If you cant stand me then stay home.  I will be providing a family gathering with meal at 2."

  
  

  There are so many contradictions within her text that I dont even know what to say.  My sister wants to stop the bickering and sit down one-on-one with our stepmom after dinner to ask why she treats her so poorly but my sister-in-law wants to be "done" with this whole situation and is planning on bitching our stepmom out before the dinner.  And I'm sitting here in the middle of all us.  I personally don't like our stepmom because she really is rude, inconsiderate, and exteremely disrepectful at times and then tries to apologize for her words and actions but then goes right back to being rude.  I'm just stuck in the middle and don't really know what to do.

  
  

  Thanks for any advice.

  Stand up for your rights and is she does it again, tell her you will not be in their home or spend time with either one of them --- let dear ole dad hear this --- until she treats you civilly.
  
  And then follow through.
  
  What "perverted mind" is she talking about? Surely if she objected she needed tos ay so when it was said!
  
  Your dad sure got it right through the nutsack when he hooked up with this battleaxe. Tell her to cut it out; who cares what she thinks. Stand up for your rights.
  
  And I wold indeed have a private talk with Dad and tell him how you take unberage that he never wanted to nip her bullshit in the bud. See what he thinks of that.
  

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• Wahoo member

  

  January 2015

  Honestly it seems to me as if your stepmom is tired and stressed out.  Not that it makes her snark acceptable, but I'm wondering - there is a "family" gtg, and your stepmom does all the work?  Your dad just invites everyone over and just shows up with no help cleaning, cooking, shopping?  I'd be p*ssed too! 

  
  

  Is she always like this?  Is she always expected to play "happy hostess" while nobody lifts a finger?  If yes, that is wrong.  Your dad especially needs to step up.

  
  

  I would have a sit down and tell her that Christmas seemed stressful for her.  Is there any way you could make the holiday easier for her?  Everyone bring a dish?  A gift-free Christmas? Ensuring that everyone cleans up after themselves?

  
  

  As for the other parts of your relationship.....why not ask her how you can improve things?  Don't blame, accuse, or yell, just say "look, I feel we could get along a lot better.  I would like to know what we can do to improve our relationship."  It does not seem like rocket science that you are killing her with kindness and she gets along with you.  

  
  

  My mom used to be very crabby and beastly over the holidays.  She tried to have the "perfect" Christmas.  She has scaled back to brunch - everyone brings a simple dish, and it is SOOOOO much nicer!

  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

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• Ilumine mod

  

  January 2015

  intricaterobot said:

  Some background:

  My dad and my stepmom have been together for 6 or 7 years and got married just over a year ago.  There are three of us kids, my brother my sister, and I.  My stepmom is always extremely rude and disrespectful to my sister and brother, and my sister-in-law.  She used to be rude to me all the time but I just started biting my tongue and killing her with kindness, but she continues to be extremely rude to my brother and his wife and my sister, which not only are they not okay with, but I'm not either.

  
  

  I agree with a PP who questioned this sentence.  Exactly how did you treat her before?  Because if her attitude changed when YOUR attitude changed, then maybe her attitude was a reflection of yours?

  
  

  So here's what's going on now:

  We planned to have a family gathering for Christmas at my dad and stepmom's house.  When asked what time we should meet, they continually said to "come whenever, leave whenever." After my sister asked again a few days before the party, 

  
  

  So you continued to push and push and push for an answer that YOU liked, not accepting the answer the host and hostess gave you...a number of times.  While I understand that not having a definitive answer can be annoying, being badgered by three other people (four if you include you brother's wife) is so much more.  

  
  

  If you did not like the answer, YOU the invitee should have just cancelled your attendance OR showed up whenever it worked in your schedule.  And if your SM and Father were not ready for you, that would have been on them and you could have left.  

  
  

  But you all were being extremely rude trying to push this.  

  
  

  my stepmom was extremely rude, texting back "Your dad told me you texted him at work to ask what time to come on Sunday.  Your dad really does not like calls and texts at work for things that can wait until after work but maybe it was so important that it could not wait.  

  
  

  So after asking and getting the answer a number of times, you bother your father at work because you don't like the answer the HOST is giving and want more/your way?  And somehow she is in the wrong for pointing that out. 

  
  

  Sure, he should have told you off for that, but given the rest of her answer the odds are he called her to deal with you because HE WAS AT WORK.  Oh and he had already told you the answer.  

  
  

  I don't know.  We certainly don't want to discourage you children from contacting us.  But I thought we had already cleared up the details of the party.  

  
  

  She did clear up the details.  She said to come over whenever it worked for you.  

  
  

   ?? I am the one who schedules for, shops for, buys for, wraps for, cooks and cleans for any family even we have.  I have not had time to even get gifts for everyone let alone pick up food for this or clean, etc.  I have Saturday off to get ready.  Your dad has to work on Saturday.  Your dad bought one gift.  That is it.  I have done the rest.  And he relies on me to do it.  Your dad does exactly what you do.  He shows up to have a good time.  He helps with whatever I ask him to but he has been really tired lately and I don't have as much energy either.  So to ask him what time to be here is pretty much a waste of time.  As we already talked about I made it very easy for you.  Come when you want and leave when you want.  There is no time.  

  
  

  Wow...you all, your dad included are a bunch of peaches aren't you.  Here's a thought.  She could not give you more of a definitive answer because getting YOUR FAMILY'S holiday event together is somehow HER SOLE responsibility and she just hasn't had the time to do it all.  

  
  

  Did any of you ever ask her, in any of you continual baderging sessions, if there was anything you could do to help or maybe even offer to have it at your house since you weren't getting the event you wanted? 

  
  

  I will be having a meal probably in the afternoon around 2pm or so whenever I can get it ready.  Breakfast and lunch is on you.  If you have any questions let me know."  Now, I understand that it is easy to misinterpret someone's texts because lack of inflection and body language, but it is very clear she was being snarky.  After my sister received this, she was talking about it with my brother, who it really ticked off.  So my brother took things into his own hands and texted my dad telling him he would appreciate it if our dad would talk to our stepmom about her unneeded attitude and rudeness.  

  
  

  Your brother was wrong in so many ways, I cannot even begin. He was wrong to get in the middle of this, period.    

  
  

  They went back and forth for a little bit.  While my dad was sleeping, our stepmom went through his phone and saw the messages between my brother and my dad.  At that point she sent this to my brother: "Who do you think you are telling your dad to have a talk with me before you come over Sunday because  you don't like what I have to say to your sister?  She is a big girl and she can speak up for herself.  She never said anything i regards to my texts to her, so why are you?  Who is the shit starter now?  

  
  

  She is correct.  It was not your brother's place to discuss the communication between your Sister and your SM.  

  
  

  Dont think you will ever tell me how I will or will not conduct myself in my own home in my own marriage or with your father.

  
  

  She is correct.  It is not YOUR place to tell your father to do/say anything to his wife.  You can express how her actions make you feel with him.  You can tell him that you do not want to interact with him with her, but then recognize that he will more than likely not have a relationship with you because he won't and should not go to events without his wife.  

  
  

   But you do not get to tell your father to treat his wife as his child.  

  
  

  
  

    I am a grown woman not some child you think you can control and manipulate.  Grow up.  This whole party was YOUR idea.  You dad was NOT happy when he found out you talked me into it.  We both told you we did not want to do Christmas here but no, you insisted on it and then tell your dad he better talk to me before you come.  Right. 

  
  

  Did they ever tell you that they did not want to host Christmas?  If they did and you pushed them to do so, then shame on you.  You want a family event, YOU host it.  If you cannot host it, then it does not get done.  But you do not put the financial, logistical and physical responsibility on someone else and then expect them to do it how YOU want it. 

  
  

  Oh and just to be clear, think back throughout the last year.  Because while they may not have specifically stated I DO NOT WANT TO, they may have given you a number of hints that you chose not to see.   

  
  

  And I see it is all about the gifts not relationship.  If you or your wife were interested in relationship you would be talking to me and not backstabbing about me to your dad.  I am sick of your wife - the two of you having your childish fits and going wah wahhh to daddy.  I am sick of your disrepectful jokes and perverted mind.  Back off.  Dont interfere with my marriage.  And if you have something to say to me say it and the same goes for your wife...to me...not hiding beind your daddys shirt tail.  But you and sally neither one can do that because all you want to do is start shit all the time.  It never ends with you two.  I dont play those games.  And i don't appreciate your wife being all snuggly poo with my husband while treating me like shit either.  What is up with that?  Why is your dad telling her he would buy her a new car if he could?  Just what is she saying to him when she texts him at midnight?  

  
  

  Did your Sister in law ever text your father at midnight?  Did your father actually offer her a car? 

  
  

  And what is up with the two of you talking to your dad about me behind my back?  if you want anyones wife talked to talk to your own and tell her i dont appreciate her attentions to my husband.  If you cant stand me then stay home.  I will be providing a family gathering with meal at 2."

  
  

  There are so many contradictions within her text that I dont even know what to say.  My sister wants to stop the bickering and sit down one-on-one with our stepmom after dinner to ask why she treats her so poorly but my sister-in-law wants to be "done" with this whole situation and is planning on bitching our stepmom out before the dinner.  

  
  

  So your SIL is going to go into your SM's home and bitch her out in the event that SM cleaned for, organized for, cooked for, bought the presents for and will then clean up after you guys?  And you wonder why you SM has a problem with you three?  You are a bunch of selfish, self-centered brats. 

  
  

  And I'm sitting here in the middle of all us.  I personally don't like our stepmom because she really is rude, inconsiderate, and exteremely disrepectful at times and then tries to apologize for her words and actions but then goes right back to being rude.  I'm just stuck in the middle and dont really know what to do.

  
  

  Thanks for any advice.

  
  

  My suggestion, take a huge step back and see what your past actions might have caused her attitude.  Because to me, from what you posted, if I was expected to host a holiday event in my house during the most stressful time of the year and all I got was push back because what I offered was just not good enough for a group of "adults" who don't help out, I would probably have been just as bitchy to you.  

  
  

  Especially if you didnt accept my responses and tried to go around my back (you know the one who is doing all of the work) to get your way.  

  
  

  If this is a typical example of how you all interact with her, then the changes need to come from you. 

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