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Sentimental MIL - Gets Upset About Our Outgrown/Unwanted Items (LONG)
My husband and I are expecting our first child in a few weeks and recently bought some storage furniture hold some of her belongings, and did the same for our home in prepation for her arrival (no more pull down baskets in the living room for a while!). We both thrive on a well-organized, tidy, clutter-free space. The key is balancing fashion with function, efficiency with harmony. Important to mention, space is at a premium at our home (lacking closet space, no basement), another reason why using the space we do have sensibly is important to us.
You might say we place emphasis on purpose and prettiness of our stuff... but it's just stuff. Not much meaning attached. Memories are in our hearts, not so much our material items.
That said, we would never just get rid of something of family value for kicks, and respect others' differences of opinion on the matter.
Enter MIL, a lovely, deeply sentimental woman, whose mentality is very different than ours... fond memories seem to be ingrained in nearly every item, furniture especially. She has all the household items you could want in triplicate; her house is literally bursting at the seams with treasures. She will part with certain items if her kids want them, but will take things back if she feels it won't be cherished forever, while letting you know its special uniqueness to her heart in the meantime.
Being honest, I don't like to accept her heirlooms into our house for fear the guilt trip we will receive if we change our mind/taste/outgrow/can't use said item (this has happened once or twice before).
Now, we have a bookcase in our office made by her father; hubby has had the item for about 10 years, which he refurbished to his taste. Though very cute, it doesn't store our books & many board games very well on its thin, oddly divided shelves. It has pretty well outlasted its usefulness to us but served us well. We moved it to our garage for shoe & misc. storage in prep for a new piece of furniture that better suits our needs.
When we did, a friend saw it and asked if he might buy or borrow it for his own home. My husband liked the idea, and I didn't mind... but knowing his mom, thought we should run it by her.
I mentioned it to her, and it struck a nerve. In no uncertain terms, she said no way, and expected my husband to confirm he would not part with the item. She said if we didn't want it, she would drive from OH to FL herself to get it and store it until the day she died! Immediately I let my husband know and told him we need to bring it inside and figure out what to do with it.
I've realized she feels if her kids won't use or love an item the way she does, she feels the need to take it back to ensure it's valued the way she feels it should be. It's her right to do so, but not sure how we can proceed in the future without hurting her feelings? I truly don't want to hurt her, but also don't want to feel like we can't make decisions about how we organize our life and belongings without risking doing so, or worse, being judged because we think differently about material things. The latter concern (guilt & judgment) is the bigger issue to me.
Suggestions welcome. Also, a polite way to decline offers to take on any "stuff" she wants us to have, besides no space?
Re: Sentimental MIL - Gets Upset About Our Outgrown/Unwanted Items (LONG)
Because it was hand-made by the OP's DH's father, it falls into a separate category of belongings. I understand what the PP means. It as a legitimate family "history" to it - not just a thing bought at a store or picked up along the way, but fashioned by a member of their family.
In the least I do agree that the OP should consider asking her MIL if it's okay to sell the shelf first before she does so - the lady's husband made it and the MIL should have first right of refusal for not wanting it back (or wanting it back).
Other than this, I totally agree with PPs that it's OP's house, not MIL's and she and her DH get to decide what comes in or out.
When we deal with pushy sales people we say, "We cannot afford this." And they back down. Along these lines, OP needs to learn to say, "Our home cannot fit this. We must leave it with you, but thank you for thinking of us." Hopefully, with enough refusals like this, MIL would get the hint.
I don't see the big deal of her wanting to drive over to pick it up. She is offering to go and pick it up, you don't want it and she does so what is the problem? It is here right to take it if you don't want it anymore because it is of sentimental value to her. What if you dad made something and he were not with you anymore, would you want your husband to give it away to a friend just because it's not convenient for him anymore?
I just don't understand what the big deal is if she's just trying to pick it up herself without imposing on you to bring it to her.
Okay....I have a family full of people with hoarding tendencies (both sides - my parents AND my in-laws, in addition to one of my sisters), who attach sentimental feelings to objects, and have great difficulty letting go of anything that was made by, or belonged to someone who is no longer with us. If it were up to them, we would never get rid of anything - just pass it from one sibling to the next, and then on to the next generations. Which is a great way to keep down waste....as long as the items that they want to pass down are actually still functional, and not just junk.
My take on heirlooms: it's stuff. If you love it, keep it. If it's useful, keep it. If not, there may be someone else out there (either family, or complete stranger) who either loves it, or could really use it.
My take on handmade items: I'm an artist - which means I make things. Lots of things. Many of my creations have landed in the homes of my family members as gifts. If they display it, use it, store it, re-gift it, sell it, or smash it into tiny bits to recreate something new with it, it is THEIR CHOICE, and I am fine with that. Creativity runs in my family, so I also have other family members who make things, and gift them around. I typically love them simply for the fact that they were made by someone that I love....but if I'm given something that I can't use....then it doesn't get used.
How we handle family items: Since my family saved and passed on EVERYTHING, I have many things that belonged to my grandmothers that I know aren't valuable, and aren't sentimental, but were passed on just for the sake of me being able to use them (everyday kitchen items, or linens, etc.). Those, I have no problem selling or donating when the time comes, without approval from my family. These are also things that I know they won't notice are missing from my home the next time they visit.
However, there are certain things that I know my sisters would love to have, or that hold very special meaning to my parents. When those special items no longer have room in my home, I will give my family members a chance to claim them for themselves. If no one wants to save them from the Goodwill pile, then they simply don't get saved.
an example: My grandfather (now diseased) hand stitched me a clock face with clowns. I loved clowns when I was five, and thus, I loved the clock when I was five. I am not longer five....I no longer love clowns....my house is not decorated in primary colors....so the clock is not hanging in my living room, and it is not stored in my closet. My parents thought it was too special to sell, so it is currently in storage at my parent's home, and there it will stay until either we have a nursery to decorate, or another family member says "I want it!." If neither happens before my parents are emotionally ready to purge it, then it will eventually find a new home outside of the family (assuming the yarn hasn't disintegrated by then).
My husband and I are actually in the thick of both of our parents trying to purge and weed out some things from their homes. We've had to be firm about a lot of offers, "Thank you, it's lovely, but we really don't have a use for it right now, and we can't store it properly. Maybe someone else could use it in the family?"
I know it can be very difficult for someone with attachments to items let go of things, but the thing that helped my parents and now my husband's parents, is cleaning out the homes of deceased parents/family members. They realized on their own that it was hard work clearing out someone else's stuff, and they didn't want to put that burden on us. They also started to recognize how much healthier and happier a living space could be when it isn't so loaded down with items that it becomes completely nonfunctional. I don't know that you would be able to help your mother-in-law let go of things. It is possible that she won't change no matter what you do or say, but she is an adult, and that is her decision.
Just encourage her, and help her see the positive side of giving something away (or selling). "My friend really loves dad's bookshelf; isn't that a great compliment to his workmanship? Can we give it new life, and a fresh start in a new home that really needs it?" If the bookshelf was given to your husband, by his dad, then it is your husband's belonging, and you two can decide what to do with it (garage storage, sell it, or let his mother reclaim it). If it is something that you were allowed to use temporarily, with the understanding that it should stay in the family, then just let her reclaim it, and don't worry about it.