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Very confused by new in-law situation; want to get over it but need advice
Hello!
I’d love some advice on moving forward (I have to, for my
husband’s sake…)
My parents really wanted to throw a post-wedding brunch for us so that we could
say good-bye to everyone. It wasn’t anything huge – and we only planned to stay
for an hour or so – but it meant a lot to us to have that opportunity.
Unfortunately, his parents really disagreed with this idea (his mother told my parents that it was a “stupid” idea and that newlyweds “needed the time alone together”). My husband and I had a long talk and decided – together – that we wanted to go to the brunch.
I guess his parents really thought it was a dumb idea… the night of the wedding, they tampered with our car so that we’d be stuck at the hotel the next day. His sister – who had just been my maid of honor –sent my family text messages to let them know that they felt “I was forcing my husband to go to this brunch and they needed to protect him.”
My first day as a married woman was spent in tears. I felt so targeted.
I know his whole family knows – one of them tried to joke about it online – and my husband did speak with his family about respecting us as a married couple. To my horror they blamed me and my family for this when confronted. I honestly thought I had a really good relationship with his family.
To date, none of them have approached me, acknowledged what occurred,
or apologized to me or my family for the hurt they caused. I’ve told my husband that absolutely will not try to put him in the middle -- I cannot do that to him -- and that I will work very hard to keep an open and polite relationship. But it sucks, and it's hard because I'm still hurt (and, oddly, nervous... I really don't understand why they'd think I mistreat/control him. He doesn't understand that, either -- I'm a big believer in being a team).
I've talked with my husband a little, but I don't want to keep putting him in the middle of something that happened two months ago. Do you guys have any advice for sorting this out internally? Every time I hear from them it hurts just a little bit again. Do I just try to be open and let time heal everything completely?
Re: Very confused by new in-law situation; want to get over it but need advice
I don't think your H should be in the middle-I think he should be solidly on your side. He should tell his family that until they apologize to you, they won't be hanging out with you as a couple anymore and won't be welcome in your home. They're lucky you didn't file a police report!
Yup... this. And really- YOU aren't putting him in the middle. His asshole of a family is. So... why do you keep thinking this is you?
Honestly- this would probably make me want to have nothing to do with his family. They clearly don't respect the two of you or think you're capable of making your own decisions. And over something that is so... DUMB. It's a brunch. They don't want to go? Fine. But why on earth did they care if you went or not?
PUt aside this "middle" crap and really talk to your DH about this. this is RIDICULOUS behavior on his family's part and you all really need to decide what kind of role you want them to have in your lives.
Not the Brunch Issue...
Your problem is that they illegally touched your vehicle --- against the law! -- and that they have an apron strings issue.
They sound nutty.
I would tell the both of them -- and the 2 of you do it together --- "We are not happy with your behavior. We will be calling it quits with you until the 2 of you grow up and act your ages and untie the damn apron strings."
And then cut them off until they can prove that they will let the 2 of you BE!!!
They sound nutty. Please nip this in the bud and do it now.
I'm afraid this is just the beginning of things and problems with his family. I hate to imagine that what they will do if you choose to do a holiday with your family over his or if you and your husband make a choice in regards to your life (ex, where you live, how you raise your kids, etc) that they don't agree with, what they will do then. Unfortunately what has been done is done and they aren't going to apologize either. I would try to move forward, limit what things you tell them about what you are doing in your life. You and your husband need to talk and make sure that you are on the same page on things and stand up together against his family, or anyone for that matter, who doesn't agree with any of your life decisions and have a united front & let them know that any behavior from them that is hurtful won't be tolerated.
They had a right to think the brunch was a dumb idea. They had no right to keep you from going to something you wanted to go to though. I would be afraid to ask them for a ride to the airport for a vacation in fear that they wouldn't like where I was going & make me miss my plane.
The rational, adult reaction when you think a party is a dumb idea: Don't go to the party.
The only people who should be screwing with you car without your knowledge: Car thieves.