Relationships
NoneForUs
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Abusive mother wants to be friends.
My mother was abusive to me from the time I was 9 years old until I fled the abuse at age 21. She enjoyed beating me and putting me down, as well as making negative comparisons all the time. She tried to be sweet to me in an effort to make me stay when she realized I was leaving. By that time, I had no more patience for her bullshit. I was tired of being hit as well as being called a whore every time I stayed out past 12AM. I was also weary of the expectation that I would stay home and do chores all the time like a slave.
This woman was part of the reason we eloped. When I told my mother that I was engaged, her first comment was "You're too fat to look good in a wedding dress!" She also tried to make our wedding all about her extravagant and narcissistic wishes. She felt that she had the right to choose our wedding party, venue, colors, guest list etc.. My mother refused to come dress shopping with me because I wouldn't allow her to choose my gown. When my husband and I told her that we wanted a small wedding, my mother became belligerent and insulting. My mother made embarrassing scenes in front of my husband with her shouting and she said "You're getting married like people who don't have their immigration papers!" That was the last straw for my husband and I. We eloped much to the chagrin of my mother. She was embarrassed because my elopement made it obvious to many people that I was not close to her. My mother has always been about keeping up appearances and it didn't look good that her only daughter eloped to get away from her.
Fast forward about five years...my mother desperately wants us to have a closer relationship. My elopement was a huge wake up call for my mother. I am not interested because of all the hurt she has caused and I need to protect myself. My mother enjoys gossiping about me and that is another reason I don't trust her. She has said that she wishes things were different between us and how proud she is of me. While I appreciate those words, I simply cannot be close to a mother who was abusive to me for years and could not be supportive when I was getting married. I have three brothers who all worship my mother and my wonderful dad who does whatever she wants because he is afraid of her wrath. I have tried to cut her out of my life in the past only to have my mother turn my siblings and father against me. If I cut her off, I lose the rest of my family including my nieces. That is the only reason I still talk to my mother.
She is currently living with one of my brothers and his wife in order to help with their new baby. I feel glad that my mother is not nearby and I rarely call her. This is a problem because once she realizes that I am not reaching out, she moans to my dad and my brothers about how I never call. I don't enjoy talking to meddling and rude people no matter who they are. I was with my eldest brother last night and he was on the phone with my mother, so I was stuck because she demanded that my brother pass the phone to me. When I asked my mother how she was, her response was "You never call so you don't care how I am! Don't be a hypocrite!" Uh, okay psycho! She then proceeded to add some manipulative bullshit about how I will be sad when she dies. My mom loves saying that. Little does she know that when she dies, there will be far more relief than sadness in my heart. That woman tormented me for years.
When I saw a therapist regularly, she said that my mother is highly narcissistic and she is toxic for me. My therapist felt that my self esteem issues and PTSD are a direct result of the abuse . She also recommended that I interact with my mother as little as possible. When my mother is here, I see her once a month and talk to her less frequently if I can manage to dodge her calls.
I know I must sound like an awful daughter because most people think that mothers should loved no matter what. However, I am the one who has lived the harsh reality of being raised by a mother who was vicious and cruel. I forgive my mom because I know she is an ignorant woman who didn't know any better. Unfortunately, I will never be able to forget everything she did.
Two questions:
- Why the fuck is my mother trying to be my friend now? I can't ask her that because she will cry and start WWIII. I don't need the drama.
- If you had an abusive mother, what is your relationship with her like now that you are an adult?
Re: Abusive mother wants to be friends.
Cut her off completely. You've had enough.
"Too fat to look good in a wedding dress?" Too bad you didn't tell her "We plan on doing it naked."
Noneforus, this is like my mother to a T. She was never physically abusive, but mentally, emotionally, and financially she tried to control and call the shots. In one breath, she says she "doesn't care" about money, in the next she downs ppl who don't or gets penny-pinching about stupid things. And she wants to "give us money" all the time. I told DH that everything that woman gives has strings, so beware, and he finally understands.
My dad passed away 11 years ago, but he always enabled her nonsense, and joined in when he was in the mood.
And no, most ppl who haven't been in our shoes don't get it. They don't understand why we aren't at Mama's bedside with soup when she has a sniffle, why we don't have her live with us to recuperate from a surgery instead of going to a rehab center, and why we don't spend lots of quality time together each week since we live in the same town. Some of my co-workers probably think that I am a horrible person, but they have normal mothers, and could never understand what we go through.
Anyway, OP, you are not alone, and don't feel guilty! We all deal the best way we can with the mothers that we have, and anytime you want to vent, feel free to do so. You are not alone!
Part of you is probably saying "it's about darn time she starts being kind to someone, let alone her daughter". Another part of you is probably waiting for the other shoe to drop, because this can't last long, right? And another part is angry because she thinks that an expensive purse is somehow going to fix the emotional damage she has caused for years.
I wanted to express my sympathies and let you know how your story helped me understand better one of my good friends. She recently totally cut herself off from her family and, I'll admit, I was shocked. I know her family really well and, while they are pretty overbearing people, I always picked up love from them for my friend.
But, instead of judging her choice, I listened. And I realized I don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. At the end of the day, if her life has improved and she feels more confident in herself since cutting them out of her life, than she made the right choice.
She is not a horrible daughter and neither are you. Not by a long shot. Don't let anybody tell you different. Sometimes we need to make tough decisions to preserve ourselves.
It sounds to me like you are handling things in the best way possible, all things considered. You have a good understanding of who your mother is and where she comes from as well as a good understanding of yourself and your needs. I see it as strength that you are able maintain minimal, "arms length" contact with her in order to make it easier to keep your father, brothers, and nieces in your life.