TIming when we Start a Family

Re: TIming when we Start a Family

• VOR member

  

  February 2015

  My take- he is ALWAYS going to be wrapped up in his ex in some way or another.  This has been going on for THREE years?  Even if you got PG tomorrow, it's not going to be smooth sailing.  I don't think you'll ever fully get what it is that you want/envision from him.  He has way too much baggage. 

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• Erikan73 member

  

  February 2015

  If it's that much on your mind, are you talking about it with him? How long have you talked about it having a child with him? You have to decide, how long are you willing to wait and how much of a priority this is for you. At some point you may have to decide between the want for a baby and this relationship. Even once he gets custody of those kids (which he should have a DNA test done for the one that might be his to confirm it or not) it's going to be rough for the kids and you guys emotionally and financially and that may become the next excuse for not having a baby with you yet. Now depending on your age, you may have plenty of time to have a baby.

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• short+sassy member

  

  February 2015

  One thing I find alarming in your story is he hasn't even done a DNA test yet for the child he thinks might be his.  What is up with that?  That should be the very FIRST item on his list and, although I don't have experience myself, I've heard it's fairly quick and easy to have a court make this order.  Of course, if the ex has no objections, he doesn't even need a court order.  Just go get it done.

  I'm also not understanding how he expects to get custody of either child.  He can probably get partial custody of the one child if the child turns out to be his.  Again, this is where that DNA test would sure come in handy and be absolutely essential for any case he makes.

  But if it turns out he is not the father of either child, he has zero standing to request custody.  ZERO.

  Not trying to be harsh.  And if I am missing a piece of the puzzle...because I feel like I am...please let me know.  Is it also possible he actually is not ready to have children and has just been using this whole wacky "I want custody of my ex-g'f's children"...even though I've done nothing about it for THREE years...as an excuse?  I'm assuming he has done nothing since not even a DNA test has been done.

  Like @Erikan said, how long do you want to wait for him to get his s**t together?  Think of the future scenarios.  If it is one year, two years, five years from now and he is still putting it off what would you go back in time and tell yourself? 

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• GilliC member

  

  February 2015

  tazbaker said:

  me and my partner have decided we are going to start a family, when we first got serious about our relationship we already knew we wanted that from the beginning. The only snag we have to starting our family is his ex. His ex girlfriend from a few years back had two kids, one that might be my partners even though its highly unlikely because she was cheating with multiple people, he has been planning on gaining custody of his possible daughter if not both of the kids and has discussed this with her even. We are just about to start the process, he just has yet to get the ball rolling. 
  He says he doesn't want to and refuses to start trying to conceive with me until all is said and done with that. I understand the logic of that, it's a stressful process and financially a burden. she also kills his sex drive and i know she will be on his mind a lot. 

  My issue is i'm having trouble coping, we discussed this at length and for months have wanted to start this journey, long before he even decided to pursue custody. so this decision came first, he and i committed to this project before that, and i have a hard time letting it go because of that. it seems like everytime we decide that we want to start our family and i start planning for it, it gets put on the back burner. its been three years from the first time we started trying and i'm exhausted by this business of putting it off, any advice on how to put it out of my mind?

  
  I don't get it. So he's so preoccupied with getting custody that it's affecting his sex drive, but he hasn't gotten around to starting the process?

  

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• dutchgirl76 member

  

  February 2015 edited February 2015

  Are you sure you want to have children with this man? I'm not trying to be rude, I just see red flags. If he can't take a DNA test (if he has or has tried then disregard that last statement) how responsible can he be? From what you said it doesn't seem like he's been in court for 3 years fighting this, he just hasn't taken action. What's stopping him from moving forward and taking action, why 3 years later? Will he be responsible with your kids if this is what he does with his potential kids?

  
  

  Are you sure you want to deal with the ex for the rest of your life? If this child turns out to be his you're stuck with her forever. I'm sure divorced and step parents on here can attest to how miserable an ex can make custody if they're bitter. 

  
  

  "one that might be my partners even though its highly unlikely because she was cheating with multiple people" so what happens if he finally takes the DNA test and the child turns out not to be his, does the ex finally go away? Does the ex still pine for your S/O or is this feeling more on his end? I guess I'm confused about the relationship, it seems like he's really hung up on her and that's not fair to you the current S/O. If he didn't care for her any longer you'd think he would take the DNA test and put this to rest either way, move on from her or move forward with a custody case.
  

  
  

  I know it's tough to move on from someone, I'd just give this some serious thought. Does he still have romantic feelings for this other woman? Are you prepared to pay a hefty child support payment and back pay if in fact this child is your S/O's? Will said child support payment effect the budget you have now for a new baby? As pp said, what happens down the road if you're still in the same boat? Are you young enough to wait for him to get his act together. No matter how old you are (in terms of when you want to have a baby) if seems like you don't want to wait anymore. Maybe you should discuss your concerns and put your foot down, take action on custody and start having children with you or be honest and admit he doesn't want them so that you can decide what's right for you.

  
  

  
  

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• dutchgirl76 member

  

  February 2015

  Also, how did he find out the baby could be his? Has the ex actually said to him "I think so and so is your child" or is he just going on assumptions of the birth date in relation to when they dated, if the child looks like him etc?

  
  

  My other concern is for the children. Do these children know him at all? Will they be comfortable around him assuming he gets partial custody or visitation? Don't plan on full custody unless he can prove in court (after the DNA test is on file) that the mother is unfit to care for her children. He'll have to make one heck of a case as to what he can provide that's better. Are you prepared for that? Do you have a stable home and steady income for these kids? Do you want to adjust to life with a new baby while adjusting to these children in your lives too?

  
  

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