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Nursiegirl0824
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need Advice!
Long story short, my in-laws planned to come visit us (me and the hubby) in our new house the weekend of March 28, and my hubby and I said that was fine (no problems there, I get along well with my in-laws). It's the ONE weekend my father-in-law has off because he teaches, and his kids have that long weekend off for spring break. This was a couple of days ago that we agreed to host my in-laws. Well the problem is this. My sister is getting married this spring (I'm the matron of honor) and my mom just TODAY told me that "Oh! We've booked your sister's bridal shower at (local really nice restaurant) and it's March 28th! Can't your in-laws come another time?" (Um no, it's the one long weekend they have and they live like 10 hours away!) I asked my mom if they could possibly change the date of the shower (since the invitations haven't been sent yet), but she said "No, the date's set in stone." I'm sooooo ticked off at my mom!! She makes a big deal about every holiday and she's the worst about guilt tripping me when we can't come home for every little thing! The sad thing is, it kinda makes me embarrassed for my family because my husband's family is so understanding and flexible! What do I do?? I don't want to tell my in-laws they can't come visit! Plus, we agreed to host them before this whole wedding shower business came about. My mom's laying it on thick, saying that I'll "just have to talk to my sister (the bride)." I just know my sister's feelings will be hurt so badly if I can't come (we're really close). What do I do!!! Help!!
Re: Need Advice!
I totally and strongly agree. The plans with your in-laws...and those are important plans too (much more important, IMO)...came first. Now here is where I am going to show my bias. I honestly don't understand the big deal some women make about bridal showers/bach parties, etc. I think they're great. I think they're fun. But they're not important and no one is obligated to go, other than the bride and the host(ess). Many women don't even have them at all.
Plus, if it was that important for you to go, then your mom should have checked the date out with you and any other VIPs before it was "set in stone". Her bad. It happens. But it is ridiculous for anyone to be upset with you because now you can't go. Personally, I would never expect my sister to drive 16 hours RT for what is basically a casual, afternoon party (I'm assuming), even if she had nothing she was doing for that weekend anyway.
But you seem to anticipate that she will be upset. I'll also take a page from @hortons0510 advice and basically emphasize to your sister that you know she is disappointed and you really are too, you would love to be there, but just can't because of in-law visit and why it is important, the only weekend they can come, etc. Hopefully she is a fairly sane person who, even if bummed about it, will at least totally understand.
To the bolded, such a savvy point!
Yes, they will be annoyed, and they will lay on the guilt, but you already committed to other travel plans. As PPs said, if your attendance was so important, they should have given you more notice or checked the dates with you.
Let your mom do her guilt thing, ignore it, and contact your sister on your own. Treat her to a spa day or something for just the two of you. Frankly, with all the people at the shower wouldn't you rather have some one-on-one sister time instead anyway? Give her a chance to relax away from the wedding crazy when you can enjoy each other more.
And really- you're NOT a "must attend" person. You're not. It's JUST a shower. It's not the wedding. Everyone needs to keep this in perspective.
You already have a commitment that weekend. Don't bail on your ILs for this. just don't.
SHE set the date w/o clearing it w/ you. That's fully on her. Your ILs shouldn't have to change their plans because of this.
Just stick to "As you feel it's so important that I be there, I wish you had cleared the date before setting the date". Rinse and repeat.
Same to your sister "I'm disappointed too but I really wish mom had cleared the date with me".
This is ON YOUR MOM. It is NOT on you. Remind yourself of that.