Relationships
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Getting Over Past Issues

Hi all!

It's been awhile since I have been on here...I hope everyone is well!  :-).

Since the last time I was on here, I got married, turned 36, got divorced, and now I'm dating someone new.

I still have some insecurities about myself and relationships from my marriage, mostly that I was not enough for him to want me, and those are now starting to flow over in my current relationship.  This man I am with, is absolutely wonderful.  He is kind, loving, generous, a good heart, funny, treats me well, all the things a partner is supposed to be.  But I am starting to get insecure about his friendships with other women, and I feel like I need to compete and that I am not good enough, even though he has never given me cause to feel that way.

Has anyone ever encountered feelings flowing over like this, and what did you do to make them go away?

Re: Getting Over Past Issues

  • I definitely see some issues in my relationship that stem from my former marriage.

    First of all, have you talked to a therapist? If you have residual issues that you're having trouble moving past, it can be a HUGE help!

    Beyond that, I find its most helpful to just be honest about it. Sometimes I tell my boyfriend something like, "I'm sorry, this has absolutely nothing to do with you, but I'm feeling ______ because of issues from my marriage. I'm trying to move past it, but I need your help, and I need you to be understanding while I work on it." If he truly cares about you, he should be willing to accept that you have things you want to work past and should be patient and sympathetic. After all, if you want this to be a long-term relationship, it's better to establish trust and communication early on!
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  • I agree with pp 100%, you need to be open with him about what you are feeling, especially if he should ask. But more importantly it's good that you are realizing that you have issues due to your divorce and that they are causing problems with your current relationship. Therapy for yourself to help you work through your issues is a great idea. Be open and honest about your past relationship with your therapist. They can't help you if they don't know all the dirt. You may discover that none of the issues in your marriage were your fault, you may discover that certain things you did may have been an issue and you didn't even realize it. For example, I have an issue with being too independent & bad communication. I am so use to doing everything I just do everything around the house, but then I get upset with my husband for not taking the inititive to jump in and help. But I have to remind myself that if I would just open my mouth and say "Honey, can you do this for me?" he is more then happy to do it. I could easily let him not helping lead to all sorts of fights, but I have to realize, for his personality, if I want help, I have to ask. I don't have to nag him, he'll do something the first time I ask, but I have to ask. I'm not saying you did things like this, but to give you an example, that sometimes it's the little things you don't realize that can cause problems.
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