Relationships
KimHere
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My Fiance is a momma's boy....?
So I will be getting married in July and I am starting to notice the relationship my soon to be hubby has with his mother. Now I do like her, but I can't help but see her as very needy. She calls him everyday and if he doesn't answer she texts me in utter worry, she assumes the worst over one missed call. When she calls it can be over the silliest thing or she needs something done. He will be out that door in a heartbeat for her; if he isn't she will get upset and guilt him till he comes.
He will go over and spend tons of time with her, even forget to call me to tell me where he is. For a while he was feeding her cats because she had moved and hadn't brought them with her. Now it is a drive for us but for her it is nothing.Then there is the money thing.... He is always giving her money! He is the only one working at the moment since I took off to get my license and am currently looking for a job. Now she knows this but will still plead for cash.
I have no issues with giving her money for necessities but we have to pay for her boyfriends phone card since he is currently in prison. I burn when she asks for that. Then my fiance had the gull to tell me we only had enough money for gas because he gave her well over $200. It seems so constant.... always money or something with her and he will give it to her
! She has two other sons but she won't bother them. She seems like someone who needs to rely on another. She acts like a strong woman but if there isn't a man around she is a mess. Since her boyfriend isn't around she is so much worse! I may be alone on this but I was raised to be self reliant. My mother is a strong woman and even while battling cancer still works her butt off and takes care of my niece. I suppose my view on mothers is far different then his. I mean he tells me my relationship with my mother is strange. We talk but not everyday. Maybe like 3 times a week? Now am I over reacting? I am happy he has a great relationship with her; I just think it's a little extreme. Any advice?
Answers
However....
The problem comes when you're preparing for marriage, and he fails to transfer the majority of that care and time over to YOU. It is reasonable for a man (especially before he is married) to want to care for an aging parent (especially one who is unmarried), but pretty soon, he is going to create a new family with you - and that family needs to be his new #1 priority. He can still love and care for his mother, but once you two are a family (and you need to plan for and prepare for that change in behavior NOW), how much you two are both able to care for and give to his mother needs to be a joint decision.
The fact that he wants to help her, or take care of her isn't really the big "red flag" here. The BIG "red flag" is the fact that he is continuing to make her a priority of his time and money without consulting you. Very soon, his money will be your money (and vice versa). As a part of marriage preparation, you need to develop a unified budget between the two of you. Every expense needs to be planned out and budgeted, with enough savings/wiggle room to account for the unplanned expenses. That includes money that he gives to his mother (which you need to decide together can be how much - if any, and how often - if ever).
In addition to a unified budget, you two need to sit down and talk about your expectations for your marriage. If he is expecting to continue to care for his mother at the same level he always has, and you expect him to focus on the life that you create together instead - then you need to let your expectations be known, and reconcile them. My husband and I use a book titled Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. There are a ton of marriage prep materials available - what is important is to find something that gets you two discussing things together. You can do it on your own too, I just liked the questions/exercises that the book provided us.
It is possible that while preparing for marriage, he realizes that his priorities need to change, and he actually changes them. It is also possible that he doesn't, and you need to make the decision on whether or not you're prepared to live the rest of your life tethered to his mother. Either way, you need to know what you're getting into (or as much as can be known before you're actually married - I realize you can't plan for every little event/situation).
I would sit down, explain your concerns, and explain why you feel that way. I would need to see real, permanent change before the wedding. It's good that you're dealing with this before walking down the aisle.
Don't marry him. At least not until this situation is resolved- IF it can be resolved. And really.... chances are it can't.
She comes first. Deal with this now. If he's unwilling to see this and to work on making changes, then she will ALWAYS come first. Before you and even before any kids you may have.
Marriage DOES NOT change a man, and really, KIDS often don't either. DOn't marry him thinking "oh- after we get married....".
Figure out now if this is fixable. If it's not, run, run, run.
This x10. I'm assuming you all have at least one of the following monetary goals: save for a house, have children, save for a secure retirement...and possibly all three. He is jeopardizing those goals by regularly bailing out his mom. Do you really want to tell future children 20 years down the road, "Sorry, we have no college fund for you because Nana needed to stay in touch with her felon b/f." Or, "Sorry, hon, I know we were hoping to retire next year, but we'll need to put that off for five more years because we bought your mom groceries every week instead of maximizing our 401K."
Maybe an extra $100 here or there a few times a month doesn't seem like much to your FI, but that same money over time becomes a substantial chunk...especially when you factor in the lost opportunity of growing that money for the future, ie college fund, 401K, etc.
At the very least I would post pone the wedding, it may end up costing you some money, but if you book for a later date you may loose nothing. It sounds like you and FI have some serious issue to talk about and then you need time to make sure the changes you agree upon (Like, ok to help mom but no more then $x.xx per month because else you can't cover your own bills) are followed through. Better to delay the wedding to make sure you're both ok with things then end up divorced down the road.