advice already received, thank u

MarriedFeb2015 · March 2015

...

joleri23 · March 2015

I'm sorry to hear about the way your mom treated you, and I'm sorry to hear she won't talk to you now. The only reason I'm sorry she won't talk to you now is that it will make it harder for you to confront her. I suggest you enter into counseling to deal with these issues. You are numb to her and I'm sure that's true, but you need to deal with the emotions you have about it so that you can take all the baggage you have and hand it back to her! You can't pass on to your kids (if you ever have them), or to other people in your life, what you hand back to your parents.

When you do go into counseling, don't be surprised to find you have anger toward your dad for not protecting you. I was shocked to see how angry I am at my mother for never protecting me from my father.

You sound like you're a strong person with a good head on your shoulders. You can get through this, but you will need help. Good luck to you!

BlueBirdMB · March 2015

You don't want to talk to her. She shows no remorse and hasn't changed even slightly. I would highly recommend not going to the house to see your father. Maybe you can go somewhere close by that can travel to alone? Meet for coffee nearby? It isn't healthy for you to be in the same house with her.

I agree that you have to go to counseling. I think this is the root of some of your insecurities about affection as well. These unresolved feelings will bleed over into your marriage. I agree that you also need to learn a different way to be a mother.

I have cousins whose mother terribly abused them. We didn't know for years. The anger they had towards their father was major. I can't imagine being a child and looking to your parents for help and being let down by both of them- one for hurting you and the other for not protecting you. My one cousin decided to never have children because she said she could never trust herself around a child. Her sister married a psychologist. She's pretty hands off with her child and allows him to make all the difficult decisions because she doesn't trust herself. You need to get to therapy and deal with these feelings so that you break the cycle.

nyc artist · March 2015

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this with your mother! That is very sad. I agree you need to go to counseling because what you dealt with is very traumatizing.

For me, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. We have had our ups and downs. And it is that way to this day. For some time we can get along, but then she does something that I really disagree with and we fight about it, and then things get difficult again for a while. The problem is we are very different people. She and I don't have the same values. I am more like the mom most of the time and she is like the child. She does not like to have responsibility in life, and so I have become overly responsible. When she acts like a kid, and I try to get her to take responsibility or do the right thing, I get a lot of resistance, and we fight. For me, I know I have to change my expectations and accept her for who she is and her limitations. It's just hard because I don't have my dad to count on. It's just her, and I want her to be a better mom/person, but it's just not really who she is.

MarriedFeb2015 · March 2015

...

BlueBirdMB · March 2015

The guilt you feel makes me so sad for you. You wish your husband would abuse so you would feel less guilty? You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. The decisions you made were the healthiest decisions to make. You did a very brave thing- most people aren't brave enough to do what you have done.

I hope you call a therapist tomorrow. You need a better sense of self worth, need to work through your anger with your mother, your guilt, and your intimacy issues.

NoneForUs · March 2015

It is obvious that you have internalized your mother's abuse. Counseling is necessary and I can tell you that from experience.

My mother was just like yours. She beat me mercilessly for the smallest things; she once gave me a concussion because I didn't wash the dishes fast enough. My mother also hit me in the face with a metal spoon because I used the wrong one. She was a cruel and extremely strict mom;I wasn't allowed to visit my friend's homes or go to parties. My mother enjoyed swearing at me, calling me names and comparing me negatively to others. The abuse subsided briefly when I became very depressed; she felt guilty and ashamed that people were looking at her parenting style.

I left home at 21 and stayed in a shelter because I had to get away from my mother. She was killing me inside and stifling my spirit. Like most abusers, my mother was very kind to me once she realized I was leaving. She told me later that she cried the day I left home and I assumed those tears were a combination of guilt and sadness. Most people in my family, extended and immediate, are afraid of my mother because she is a loud bully. I am the only one who had the courage to stand up to my mother and finally tell her to fuck off. She raised three of her kids like prisoners and then spoiled the youngest one.

When I was engaged, my mother was completely unsupportive while trying to control my wedding. We eloped to get away from my mother because of course rational discussions didn't work with such a hateful woman. She later apologized to me for her behavior and my mother expresses sadness that we are not closer. She and my father have only visited our apartment once as I didn't wish to hear her negative comments. To my surprise, my mother actually had good things to say. Now my mother gets upset that I don't call and I rarely visit when she is here. I feel the need to protect myself from my mother because she is volatile and brings negative energy. No matter what my mother says, I have absolutely no interest in being her friend. I can't wait until she leaves the country for retirement.

You need help with processing the pain and grief of your lost childhood and losing your mother. Focus only on yourself and the family you have created with your marriage. Your mother can't hurt you anymore. You alone have control over what happens in your life now; enjoy your freedom and never feel guilty for living for yourself. Your mother is a toxic and controlling person; nobody needs that in their life. I find that being very close to my father helps, as well as remembering that I have a wonderful husband and good friends. It sounds like your marriage and your father help you as well. I can see that you are very strong and intelligent woman. Keep on walking away when your mother starts with her nonsense; it will teach her that her actions have consequences.

I want to add that I forgive my mom because I see that she is extremely ignorant and has untreated mental illness. My mother truly didn't know any better and now she is sorry for her actions. While I forgive, I will never forget. She had no right to treat her children the way she did.

It could be very helpful to find a therapist who was raised in the same culture or at least a culture that is similar to yours. They tend to have a special understanding of the issues that come with being a first generation American.

short+sassy · March 2015

Hi @hispresence, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles and your childhood. The very least all of us deserve is to be brought up in a loving home, but so many (TOO many) people the world did not have that experience.

I concur with the others, if you aren't already, please see a counselor. @NoneForUs made a great suggestion to specifically look for one familiar with your culture. They can help you process what happened to you and build your self esteem.

You sound like an amazing, intelligent, and resourceful woman. Look at all you've done already in your life, despite the abuse. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband. And I bet he feels that he doesn't deserve you .

BTW, your English and grammar is very good. I could understand clearly what you are saying, which is more than I can say for some posts I've read by native speakers, lol. I wish I could speak three languages!

NoneForUs · March 2015

@hispresence I'm glad that you find this forum helpful. However, I see that you post many threads about similar issues and I wonder if you are planning on seeing a therapist. There is only so much an online forum can do to help deep seated issues.

LuvlyLJ · March 2015

Yes! You need to go and see someone. It really does help to have an outside perspective to go in deeper and you'll feel like a whole person.

For over 20 years we couldn't figure what was wrong with my mother. For a great deal of those years I thought it was me. It was such a huge weight off of my shoulders when we learned she was bipolar.

It's not good that she's bipolar. But me going to counseling has helped me manage a lot of my most awful memories of her. I was able to find love for her and we're better off not living together.

She gets very paranoid and felt like I was always talking down to her -_-.

You have the mother you have, but not the mother you wanted or needed. It's good that you're going back to care for your father. The most important part is finding peace. You need that.

Forgiving my mom was one of the biggest and hardest steps I could take especially since she's offered no apology...things became better after I did that and after she discovered her bipolar meds.

advice already received, thank u

Re: advice already received, thank u

Choose Another Board

Search Boards