Mom Guilt Rambling

shellyamf · March 2015

I knew when we moved to Colorado that we wouldn't get to see P's family as much. Obviously! We lived in the same city and now live in a different state. But honestly the entire family's lack of visits has surprised me. Even P is in no rush to go back to Oklahoma for a visit and it's been over a year. His mom stopped by for a little over 24 hours on her way to go see his sister in CA last year. His dad stopped by for about 48 hours on his way to go visit the same sister in CA last summer. That's it. Neither sister has visited even though one of them was in southern Colorado camping last summer. I even mentioned that we could meet up somewhere half way for a day. Nope.

So I don't get it. Living there, I knew P wasn't super close to his family but we still saw them every few weeks. I guess I thought they would miss each other more? My other issue is that his mom will fly to CA 2-3 times a year and stay for a few weeks at a time. I know his sister in CA was mad that their mom would have to split her trips between us when we said we were moving. Well so far she hasn't. And all of this is giving me a major sense of mom guilt that Lily isn't getting to know that side of the family. When rationally I know it's not my fault they aren't coming to visit. But I also know that I could go visit without P. And that feels really weird to me.

And I know every family is different. Just because my family makes more of an effort to visit doesn't mean his will or should. My family has dealt with being spread over different states since I was a kid. So we are used to traveling to visit. And really the only family members making much of an effort on my side are my sister and my grandparents. My mom, dad, and brother rarely visit. Lily gets to see them because I go to Kansas 2-3 times a year. I feel less guilt about Lily knowing my side because I feel like I am making an effort for her to know them even if she doesn't see them that much. Versus the very low effort I am making for her to see P's side.

Should I take her to Oklahoma even if P doesn't go? Should I be worried or guilty about that or is it P's responsibility to his family and not mine?

jtmh2012 · March 2015

I can't answer the last question, but my parents moved out of Ohio a long time ago due to my dad rejoining the military. Very rarely does anybody come visit us (weddings, retirement ceremonies, etc) and when they do, it's usually because we're near a resort area and I sorta feel like we're a cheap (ie. free) place to stay.

jjbmstinco · March 2015

I feel like I can give you some honest answers because I was Lily in my situation. Growing up we lived in the same town with family. I don't remember too much other than holidays together. When I was 9 we moved 3 hours away to MN. The day I left IA, was the day that I felt a disconnect from my family. We went down every once in awhile sure, but they didn't call. They didn't come to anything. They didn't make an effort. Growing up, I always felt sad about it. I would talk to my parents about it, but it was very similar to your feelings. Why should we make the attempt every time. As I grew older, we learned to rely on others for "family support". I think that has really helped me grow to a) not rely on people and b) come in contact with a lot of different people. Many of them have left lasting impressions on my life far more than any family members.

As far as the people visiting, I also learned that the hard way. I too thought people (more friends) would visit than have. I am not sure why it is. For those who matter, they have made attempts to at least talk on the phone, facetime, and do check ins. Since I don't really have much family, I can't speak for them, but J's family is very similar to P's family. It doesn't bother him like it bothers me.

Sorry this is getting so long...so here is my advice...

A relationship of any calibur takes 2. If you put in the effort to do any sort of contact and get nothing back, it isn't your fault.

I would not take her back specificially to see his family. IF you are going back to do other things and see your family, then make the attempt.

She isn't going to remember too much now, so many in a few years try again to bring family back

Don't beat yourself up. You aren't restricting access. You are carrying on your life and they have a choice to be part of it or not. You are a good mom and know what is best.

jtmh2012 · March 2015

jjbmstinco said:
As far as the people visiting, I also learned that the hard way. I too thought people (more friends) would visit than have.

I almost made this comment, but didn't, but since you did, I'll add it. When we moved to Richmond last year, I've noticed a bunch of people I thought were friends have been up in this area. Some less than twenty minutes from the house. None have dropped by.

shellyamf · March 2015

Mark, that's kind of how we feel. That we are a great stop over but that's it.

And Jen, thank you! I feel better. You are right in that at this age Lily won't remember how much contact there was. I do text his family pictures and have facetimed with my MIL a few times without P around. Visiting my family is the half way point to his family in OK. We are planning on going to OK for a few days at the end of May since we will be in KS for my brothers graduation.

ImperiumWife · March 2015

As everyone else said, you shouldn't feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. If they don't want to have a relationship with her, that's their loss. Lily won't know the difference. I personally had about 6 grandmothers, and none of them were my biological grandmother. They meant a lot more to me than my bio grandmother who also favored my cousins to me. You shouldn't always be the one making the effort. Don't worry about it.

shellyamf · March 2015

jtmh2012 said:

jjbmstinco said:
As far as the people visiting, I also learned that the hard way. I too thought people (more friends) would visit than have.
I almost made this comment, but didn't, but since you did, I'll add it. When we moved to Richmond last year, I've noticed a bunch of people I thought were friends have been up in this area. Some less than twenty minutes from the house. None have dropped by.

Yup! One of my "super close" friends who lives in Kansas is like this. She came to visit me once about a year after I moved to Oklahoma. I went to see her multiple times a year until I got pregnant. She drove straight through Denver last March/April on the way to and from her daughter's graduation. She said she would stop to see me and never did.

ImperiumWife · March 2015

One of my college friends does this too. She comes back to the school all the time, and I live 10 minutes away, and she always wants me to come see her.

Penguin129 · March 2015

I can't add much to this conversation. My parents came to see Abby the week after she was born and haven't been back to visit us since. We went up twice the end of last year. Once for the funeral and the planned trip we had for Christmas. We see my in-laws all the time as they only live 5 minutes away from us. DH and I will try to get up to PA to see my parents more, but honestly if they don't make the effort to come here we are not really going to worry about going up there. We skype with them on facebook and I think that is good enough. Especially when you are a one income family and it costs money to travel. I would maybe worry about this more when Lily gets older.

Mom Guilt Rambling

Re: Mom Guilt Rambling

Choose Another Board

Search Boards