Family Matters
LizRN2007
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Custody issues with fiancé's child
So my fiancé has a child from a previous relationship. They were not married. The child is 3 1/2 yrs old. They were together for about 4 months after the baby was born when he found out some things about their relationship and he broke it off. He still wanted to be in his childs life and has had her in a joint custody type of situation (he has her half the time in a 2wk period). This was mutually agreed upon i guess by the two of them and there were no legal documents drawn up. I have been around and in the childs life since she was about 15months. But since we have recently become engaged there have been some issues come up that I think may stem from jealously..etc.. The mother is catholic and enrolled her in a catholic preschool without talking to my fiancé and recently told him of this. One of the days she is to attend is on his parenting time that they had mutually agreed on prior. However, we are not catholic, and are in fact nondenominational, and have already enrolled her in a preschool which she already attends during the time the child is present in our home. When he told her she was already enrolled in one during his parenting time she stated "well if you don't want her then I want her more". Long story she was raised very Catholic (which is not a problem) and went to catholic school, but this is not something he necessary supports or wants for his child and she is aware of this. She is a very passive aggressive person with him because she knows that he is a very giving man. He has done things above and beyond for her even though they aren't in a relationship. I feel like she is possibly jealous that he is now engaged to another woman and is trying to get full custody. They have had a joint arrangement the whole childs life and it would kill him to have his child only every other weekend. Is it likely that a judge would change this if they got a legal document drawn up and couldn't agree to joint? He has no psychological/drug/abuse problems whatsoever. I told him he needs meet with a mediator pronto to get something legal worked up so these things aren't an issue. It kills me that a mother would want to remove the childs father out of her life out of jealously. Thoughts?
Re: Custody issues with fiancé's child
Hi Liz,
First of all, I can't emphasize the importance of having a signed agreement or court order enough. FI's daughter is only preschool aged now and you are already having issues maintaining the prior agreement. I highly recommend your FI and his ex to make a detailed agreement now before their daughter gets any older and new issues come up (ie. primary school enrollment, your marriage and role as a stepmom, possible moves, etc.) Unfortunately it's very difficult to hold someone to their word without a formal, legal document these days, especially when emotions are involved. For you and your FI's own protection and peace of mind, I think a legal, binding agreement is absolutely the way to go. Unless there are other issues aside from what you mentioned above then I don't see why any judge would deny your FI joint custody. Typically this is only done in cases of safety issues for the child (like the ones you mentioned above plus criminal record/jail time), major financial issues, one parent forfeiting his/her rights, or the other parent would have to have a very compelling reason in order to make this happen.
Also, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that his ex is doing this out of jealousy, maybe she's just very passionate about having their daughter in catholic school or it is more out of concern that once her daughter has a stepmother then she will "lose" her daughter in some ways. For the time being, it's probably to approach the situation with an open mind and cordially. This will make things much easier throughout the legal process if agreements are mutually agreed upon, as well as provide a more positive situation for the child if everyone is happy with their end of the agreement.
Best of luck to you and your FI with everything!! I'm sure he appreciates having your support through all of this. :-)
I don't even have any children and it infuriates me also when parents will choose their own agenda and/or vindictiveness against their ex over their own child.
Children deserve to have access to the widest circle of people who love and cherish them, especially when talking about parents, step-parents, and grandparents.
"Don't hate each other more than you love your children." - Judge Judy
From what you have written, I'm not even saying the child's mother quite sounds as bad as all of that...yet. But I agree that the time has come to set definite and legal parameters for custody. Casual agreements work well...until they don't. And now they don't.
In a perfect world, your FI shouldn't be held responsible for a "luxury" the girl's mother chose. And I would rank sending your child to a private school as a luxury. But there is no telling what a court will say. Rulings, in general, aren't always logical or right. Good luck!