Relationships
alyx11
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How close is too close when it comes to his female friend?
I'm finally coming to a breaking point with my boyfriend's close friendship a female. She and him actually had this strictly emotional affair half a year ago where they texted their feelings to each other and flirted non-stop behind my back, until I found out. He regretted his actions and we tried working it out, (mind you he still remained friends with her) and until now had just dealt with their friendship. We've talked about the topic of them so many times and I'm just as sick of it as he is. They text throughout each day and hang out for many hours at a time, 1-2 times a week. It's clear there really hasn't been any big change since their 'fling' since she's still very much around. In our latest talk I told him that I thought he never really did anything to fix us when he should have. The only thing he did was remove the inappropriate side of their relationship, which he thinks was enough. He's transparent about when they're texting, hanging out and what they do while they hang out, but I obviously do not witness their conversations so I don't really have a grasp on what their connection is like.
I'm only now realizing that he never really made things right. In my mind, he should have scaled back with her. I'd never tell him to get rid of her as a friend or expect him to, but if he doesn't address my concerns does that mean I'm not worth it or he doesn't care enough? Are my concerns legitimate in the first place? My constant nagging about her is out of the insecurity he created and so while he answers my questions about her, he always asks me why I'm interrogating him. Shouldn't he be more understanding? He asked what's wrong with texting daily to see what's up, and I really didn't know how to justify that. He has plenty of female friends who have never bothered me in the past, it's just that these two now have a history and are so close that I think there needs to be a change since I've made it so clear how uncomfortable I am. Maybe we just disagree with what a close friendship entails, which in that case, it'll never work.
I also compare his friendship to her with that of his best guy friend. I know men and women can be fundamentally different by nature, but shouldn't I find it weird that he'll discuss his relationship with me with the guy, but not with her? That he walks her to her door after they hang out, occasionally FaceTimes her, sees her more often than he sees him (the 2 guys are neighbors). There's something overreaching about her too. She randomly buys him gifts, holds him to the standards of a partner (when it comes to returning texts/calls) and they have one of those iPhone friend location tracking apps, which I find so odd. On one hand I feel like that if he wanted her, he would be with her and that I naturally worry for no reason. On the other hand, he seems to ignore my concerns and that I'm just allowing something to happen, again.
Am I just being insane?
Re: How close is too close when it comes to his female friend?
Aren't you the one that posted a similar post under a different name and your husband is a nurse and the one he flirts with/texts is a co-worker?
He had an AFFAIR with her. Emotional or physical - he had an affair. He may be transparent about it NOW, but I feel the horse has left the barn on this one. To continue being such good friends with her....??? Come on.
I believe men and women can be friends, and my DH has women friends, but this I would NOT be o.k. with. Not at all.
You're in your early 20s. Don't stay with a guy who treats you like this. TRUST ME, there are better men out there.
Also, if you do decide to stay, take a look at the book "After the Affair" on surviving infidelity.
It's easy to say move on. But I think you should change your perspective. He's not putting your feelings first. And it sets a precedent for him to treat you as poorly as you let him.
Find someone who will value you.
If you aren't comfortable with their relationship, you've told BF that different things make you uncomfortable, and they aren't willing to change their relationship, what's the point of continuing this relationship. Because realistically, where is it going to go. Typically you get into a relationship to get to know someone in hopes of finding that special someone to spend the rest of your life with. If you have trust issues with him & his friend, what kind of marriage would you end up having? And if you can't have a happy & healthy marriage, what is the point of continuing to date him?
Even if you are overracting, you have trust issues with them and don't like their relationship which is affecting your relationship with him. Those issues are not giving you type of relationship you want. So you have two choices basically. Say goodbye your insecurities and trust issues and move forward and accept their friendship for what it is or say goodbye to him.
TTC since September 2012