Spouses with demanding job and unpredicatble shifts/schedules

PFM2010 · October 2014

Hi All! I've never posted on here but since I don't have any close friends in a similar boat I thought I'd try. My husband works in a 24/7 industry and has never had normal 9-5 hours with weekends and holidays off. He's not a workaholic and values quality time, it's just the reality of his profession. We've always made it work and other than some arguments over working on Christmas it's usually a non-issue. Last year he started a new job that was a great step up for him professionally, but it comes with the added joy of constant schedule change and being on-call. Throwing in this extra variable has been really challenging on us because we live a plane ride away from family. We've had several trips cancelled last minute, I've gone to weddings/holidays on my own and we've had friends visit us only to have him working most of the time. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses for his absence and even though I know it's not his choosing I find it hard to not be upset with him.

Anyone else out there who is the spouse with the crazy schedule or has a spouse with something similar? How do you handle making plans and not letting change cause arguments?

englishtrish1 · October 2014

In our marriage I am the one that works in the 24hr/7day industry. In my last job I was on call 7 days a week, I worked probably a couple of weekend days a month, went back in at least 1-2 evenings/nights a week, and also pulled holidays most years. But, and its a big but, I was able to arrange vacations and make plans. I have worked in this field my entire adult life and have never not been able to do this. I find it weird that he is having to cancel travel plans etc.

Unless the world will stop spinning if he is not at work, there is something not right about this.

TarponMonoxide · October 2014

PFM2010 said:

Hi All! I've never posted on here but since I don't have any close friends in a similar boat I thought I'd try. My husband works in a 24/7 industry and has never had normal 9-5 hours with weekends and holidays off. He's not a workaholic and values quality time, it's just the reality of his profession. We've always made it work and other than some arguments over working on Christmas it's usually a non-issue. Last year he started a new job that was a great step up for him professionally, but it comes with the added joy of constant schedule change and being on-call. Throwing in this extra variable has been really challenging on us because we live a plane ride away from family. We've had several trips cancelled last minute, I've gone to weddings/holidays on my own and we've had friends visit us only to have him working most of the time. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses for his absence and even though I know it's not his choosing I find it hard to not be upset with him.

Anyone else out there who is the spouse with the crazy schedule or has a spouse with something similar? How do you handle making plans and not letting change cause arguments?

I am curious:

What does he do for a living?

Even physicians are not that busy.

You and he needed to discuss that job and discuss it at lenght and decide together if it was advantageous for him and you and your family to take on a venture of that nature.

This doesn't sound like such a good deal to me. He is probably also salaried and wow, "how much" money do you really make if you are "on call" so extensively?

cdn0292 · October 2014

My husband is a police officer so I definitely understand the 24/7 job. He isn't always
'on call' but his shifts are 12hrs at a time and can change at anytime. Since he has only been on the force for 3 years he is low on the totem-pole when it comes to getting vacation time and holidays off. It really sucks but I just have to remind myself this is what he loves to do. I only work part-time because I am still in school so I spend a lot of time home by myself and it can get aggravating/ lonely. I am starting to volunteer a lot of places to keep me busy and also making friends with other wives in my situation. I feel secondary to his job a lot but I try my best not to take my frustration out on him. My husband and I have to be open in how we feel so it doesn't cause big blow-up arguments or resentment. I hope everything works out for y'all!

Munashi · October 2014

My husband is not on call 24/7, but he does work two full time jobs (we don't need the income... he just enjoys what he does a lot) at about 80 hours a week. One of those jobs can be done from home, which is great - but it does limit our ability to be spontaneous with dates, plans, etc.

I usually work 60-80 hours myself as I'm in a doctoral program, so I am busy too. I would probably take more of an issue with if it I weren't also occupied constantly.

Jaje09182010 · October 2014

My husband can't leave work until this elusive report is finished each day that is touched by people in like all different countries so sometimes this is at 7pm- sometimes it isn't until 11pm. It's killing me though and I've asked him to look for something else.

It is something you have to decide if it is worth it, we have a new baby so he is starting to see for himself that missing all these milestones isn't worth it for the job (but he does need to find something else because living on my salary alone would be tough unless we were to mvoe)

bekscarver · November 2014

I'm in the same boat. Mine works out of state in a 14 on / 14 off schedule. But he takes an extra day traveling there and an extra day traveling back. And they change his schedule all the time, so there have been lots of times where he only had 7 days off. Or 3. Or none and worked 5 weeks back to back to back.

It is really hard to not become frustrated with this. I find myself constantly reminding myself that he has absolutely no control over this. It's the nature of the job. It helps to try to separate him from the job, but I understand it's also hard to not feel like "why doesn't he just get a different job?"

Honestly, we don't make plans. We sometimes make tentative plans like "if you're home on these dates, we should take a family trip to {wherever}" — but that's as far as they go. We never buy plane tickets more than a couple of days in advance. So far this year I have known he was alternately going to be or not going to be home for birthdays and major holidays about a dozen times. I just don't take anything at face value, and don't make any plans. I guess what few plans I make are more like "I'm going to do this, and maybe he will get to come too." I always assume he won't be there. At least that makes for a pleasant surprise when he is. That's the best way I've found to deal with it. Managing my expectations. It's always better to expect he won't be around for something and get happily surprised when he is than to assume he will be and get disappointed when it turns out he can't be.

MissAmandaAnn · November 2014

I'm not exactly in the same boat, but I wanted to chime in. My husband and I work completely opposite shifts: I'm 9-5 M-F & he's 4p-2a (with a decent length commute) M-T. I literally see him for while I'm tiptoeing around in the morning, trying to get ready for work. I am so grateful for the weekends. We've never been on the same shift, so I'm certainly used to it, but sometimes it does get a little lonely at night. We moved about 1200 miles away form our hometowns last year, so it's been a little harder to not be near close friends/family when I'm feeling bored/lonely during the week.

I admire you ladies who have SO's with 24/7 industry jobs with such variability. I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

MarkPuffalo · December 2014

My husband also works a very unpredictable schedule as a crane operator. Sometimes he'll be working around the city we live in and have normal-ish weekday hours and weekends off but sometimes he's out of town for weeks at a time and given very little notice.

I attend a lot of family events by myself which sucks because I find the questions about where he is annoying (nobody can figure out why he has to work the way he does) but I've gotten better at not letting it bother me. When he decided to pursue this dream, we both knew he wouldn't have regular hours anymore but he loves his job and I love to see him so happy. It gets tough not seeing him as much as I'd hope but it makes it easier knowing that he enjoys his job. I also don't mind only having to work part time so that makes it easier too.

cfreesquared · April 2015

Hi! My hubby works Loss Prevention for a national grocery chain and he covers everything from Louisiana to Florida and has stores in California, Colorado and is about to take on Nevada. A lot of the work he does is from home, but it keeps him locked in the office from about 6 am to about 7 pm on the computer, and after that he still has to listen for his phone and answer calls and emails. Even on the weekends he is attached to his phone. He has a boss that has no respect for work/life balance and is constantly demanding more of my husband which ends up draining the little time we do have together. On top of that, he travels at least a week out of the month.

I was actually on the boards looking for advice on this same subject. It helps just to realize you aren't the only person going through something like this. I totally get down and depressed and feel low-priority all the time, but then I notice the strain and stress it puts on him and then I feel bad for resenting him for something out of his control. I will give him credit though. I think he noticed how upset I was getting so now he takes extra time on the weekends to take me to brunch or dinner and will turn off his phone so we can have an actual conversation without distraction. Its usually only for about an hour, but it makes a huge difference to just see him putting forth that effort and acknowledging my feelings.

As for the social gatherings and trips, I wish I had a solution. That's more of what I was searching for too. Having to constantly answer the question "why didn't you bring your hubby?" is really upsetting. I just keep hoping it will get better as he progresses in his career.

dutchgirl76 · April 2015

I was going to make a new post, but I'll try this thread. My husband works in public service and his schedule rotates every single week. We just looked at the summer schedule he's working at least 2 days of the Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day weekends all summer. How do you deal with missing holidays and losing out on the chance to have BBQ's and gatherings. I don't think it's fair to have a BBQ or gathering at our house without him there. My husband's schedule will never change, literally if he keeps this job until retirement he'll follow the same rotating schedule over holidays. It's just hard to think about losing these opportunities down the road. I'm not trying to be a brat, it's just so hard knowing this isn't going to change in a couple of years so suck it up.

The last 2 years (and years before) he's also worked the major holidays (Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas), as well as some of the fun ones like valentines day and New Year's Eve. It's not always possible to find other people to hang out with since we have adult friends with spouses and children who can't plan around our ridiculous schedule. Sometimes we try to reschedule things like Valentines day (which I get is a rather lame holiday anyway) but then we miss out on something else. This year we went out to dinner a week or 2 after V-day, that meant missing an out on work gathering with his co-workers because it was the only other weekend we could find. He didn't complain, but I know he was sad because a lot of other people went to the work party.

It's also harder for us to do BBQ's and gatherings on non-holiday weekends for several reasons including his family being larger (7 nieces and nephews) so we have birthday parties to attend, he works other weekends that aren't holidays (literally we have to book about 6 to 8 weeks out to find a Saturday and Sunday he's not working and hope I don't have a conflict) A lot of my friends and family don't live in the same state as us, so 3 day weekend's are easier for out of town guests to travel. Finally, we live in an area that gets snow and cold weather. Our summers are short so it leaves you with less "ideal" time for outdoor events.

Thanks for any feedback, even just a way to cope you can provide.

dutchgirl76 · April 2015

To follow up on my post, it's not that easy to get someone to switch with you on a holiday either. For good reason, the lucky folks who don't have to work want to go away, have an event of their own and spend time with their families. My husband also refuses to give up the extra holiday pay on the actual day (i.e. 4th of July), it's a nice bonus, but it limits our options. We did talk last night and a "compromise" he's willing to try is to ask for a swap one day during the 4th holiday, but he can't guarantee anyone will take him up on it. That's such a great vacation time and we had such a bad winter I highly doubt anyone's going to swap, to be fair I'd probably be mad at my husband for taking that shift. I can't take time after the holiday because of my work it's a really busy time. Sorry for the long vent, it's just so frustrating sometimes. As PP said, it does help to know you're not alone in this.

Spouses with demanding job and unpredicatble shifts/schedules

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