Family Matters
Dani+P
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
mother-in-law issues
Hello,
Okay, so here is the background of this story:
My husband had to buy a house to support his mother and siblings. This was about six years ago. I was just dating him at the time and everything was just great. I did not really think about the situation at first because we were in our early 20s. He proposed to me 2 years later and I told him I will not marry him unless everyone moved out. Who wants to live in a house with a family when you want to build a family of your own? Fast fwd two years and he made it happen. Not to mention - his family was not helping him with the bills at all.. so they were living there for free. This totally annoyed me let me just add.
His mom now is living in an apartment. She declares that this place is not safe and all. I just have this sicking feeling that she thinks she will eventually move back in. Well, I don't want to happen. She is a very depressed person and she does not work. She is 52 years old so there is no reason to stay at home all day. She worked previously but she always ended up quitting every time. She apparently says she has MS (but I doubt it) and she is on disability. I feel like eventually, she will become my responsibility and I do not want that. I am only 27 and I am not going to put myself through that because I want my own family.
Recently, I have been very negative about her. Not towards her. But when I talk to my husband and my family. My parents tell me I need to feel sorry for her but I really cannot find that path. She made bad choices when she was young (drank and did really bad drugs). It is not my fault. I should not have to do it. I will not. Her stuff is still at the house and I really get annoyed. I do not want her clothes in the closets. It is time for that stuff to go. I do not want her boxes taking up ALL the space in the garage. I want to start organizing.
His sister has a baby and his sister does not even want her mom around. This is just showing you what I have to deal with. I just feel ask if his sister should be the one responsible.. but she does not want to be the one who takes care of her.
Did I mention I was depressed? I am. I just don't know what to do. I am lost.
I feel as if the house is not mine yet. I want to move. But, my husband does not want to. He likes it in the house. I really do not. I did not have a say when he picked it out. It is not my dream. Also, let me just say, we had to go somewhere for a few days. She had to come over and watch our cats. SHE SMOKED IN THE HOUSE. We told her not to.. and she did anyways. This is what I am dealing with. Someone who thinks they are entitled to do whatever they please. Someone who does not respect other people's property.
Help me.
Okay, so here is the background of this story:
My husband had to buy a house to support his mother and siblings. This was about six years ago. I was just dating him at the time and everything was just great. I did not really think about the situation at first because we were in our early 20s. He proposed to me 2 years later and I told him I will not marry him unless everyone moved out. Who wants to live in a house with a family when you want to build a family of your own? Fast fwd two years and he made it happen. Not to mention - his family was not helping him with the bills at all.. so they were living there for free. This totally annoyed me let me just add.
His mom now is living in an apartment. She declares that this place is not safe and all. I just have this sicking feeling that she thinks she will eventually move back in. Well, I don't want to happen. She is a very depressed person and she does not work. She is 52 years old so there is no reason to stay at home all day. She worked previously but she always ended up quitting every time. She apparently says she has MS (but I doubt it) and she is on disability. I feel like eventually, she will become my responsibility and I do not want that. I am only 27 and I am not going to put myself through that because I want my own family.
Recently, I have been very negative about her. Not towards her. But when I talk to my husband and my family. My parents tell me I need to feel sorry for her but I really cannot find that path. She made bad choices when she was young (drank and did really bad drugs). It is not my fault. I should not have to do it. I will not. Her stuff is still at the house and I really get annoyed. I do not want her clothes in the closets. It is time for that stuff to go. I do not want her boxes taking up ALL the space in the garage. I want to start organizing.
His sister has a baby and his sister does not even want her mom around. This is just showing you what I have to deal with. I just feel ask if his sister should be the one responsible.. but she does not want to be the one who takes care of her.
Did I mention I was depressed? I am. I just don't know what to do. I am lost.
I feel as if the house is not mine yet. I want to move. But, my husband does not want to. He likes it in the house. I really do not. I did not have a say when he picked it out. It is not my dream. Also, let me just say, we had to go somewhere for a few days. She had to come over and watch our cats. SHE SMOKED IN THE HOUSE. We told her not to.. and she did anyways. This is what I am dealing with. Someone who thinks they are entitled to do whatever they please. Someone who does not respect other people's property.
Help me.
Re: mother-in-law issues
First off, good for you for standing your ground before getting engaged!
If you haven't already, I suspect you have, talk to your husband about living arrangements once your parents get older. For BOTH sets of parents. This is just a good discussion for all couples to have anyway. During this discussion, you can set some general guidelines about when these decisions will need to be made. Like, when one of your parents is 83 and starting to suffer from dementia...not 52 and just doesn't like her living situation because she is a complainer. Don't add that last part, lol. But perhaps it will set some good "cut and dry" guidelines and get you all on the same page.
He needs to set a guideline for his mother to move her s**t. It sounds like it's been at least two years since she lived there? It is way past time. The deadline really needs to come from him but, if my DH wasn't willing to do it, I'd step in and say, "Look MIL, it's been two years and we are still tripping over your things. You haven't needed these items for two years. Can I help out and donate them to Goodwill for you?"...."No? Okay. Then you have 30 days to get them out of my house or that is exactly where they are going."
As for your not liking the house, why don't you like the house? Are there things that can be fixed to make you like it better? Different rearranging? Maybe the house will feel a lot better when her stuff is gone? However, if there is no saving your feelings for the house, talk to your DH about plans to buy a new house in the future. Outline what isn't working for you with this house. Do you all plan to have kids and need a bigger place? That might be a good way to start the discussion. It won't get you a new house quickly, but this isn't a light decision anyway. And maybe if you all know you are working towards that future goal, it will make the current house more tolerable.
And I hear you on the smoking!!!! My husband IS a smoker and he would never dream of smoking in our home and never has. I'd be livid. There is nothing that can ruin a home faster than cigarette smoke. It can get into the carpet, the drapes. Iit can even stain the ceiling and the walls, though that is usually more with very prolonged use.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Exactly! I do not mind helping out down the road, as in like 30+ years. Right now, I just want to live my life with him and not have anyone hanging around. It really is annoying. It's like a heavy, dark cloud hanging over me. I want to have children, not take care of an adult. Yes, she lost her husband 10 years ago but so did my mom and she is managing. It is hard, it is but life does go on and you have to pick yourself up. I am not supporting her or taking care of her when it is not needed. It just is so exhausting thinking about it. She is acting like a child. My husband is older than his sister so he feels like it is his responsibility. But it is not. His mom has a sister who lost her husband as well. She could go live with her. But, she does not want to. Oh well. Not my deal, right?
My husband says she will eventually remove the stuff in the summer when we go away on our trip. I really do not want her in the house for the 5 days but it’s too late because he already told her she can watch the cats again. I just do not trust her when no one is home. She will be smoking again and if she does I will be so flipping mad that words cannot even express. We will be getting new furniture in June and if smoke gets on that.. I will flip out. My mom cannot watch the cats because she is allergic and I have no one else to go to. My mom says well since he already told her, we really cannot go back and say you cannot. Plus, if she can remove her stuff then I guess it’s a win-win. But only, if she does not smoke in the house. But she will because she has no respect.
I don't like the house because I did not have a say in it. It does not really feel like mine. The house is old and does need repairs so its not a new house. I guess I should be happy (thanks joleri23: I agree with you) we have a house but he never asked me about it or what I though. He had constraints and he picked the house so people could live in it at the time. He did not think about me in the decision because his mom was putting pressure on him at the time. Let me just say that the house his mom lived in was super cheap and there is no reason why she could not finish paying for it or keeping up the payments. But who knows. She just is manipulative and I can see it but I don't think he wants to see it.
The house is big enough to start a family. There are four rooms so it is the perfect size. I am just afraid of having too many rooms because that opens the door for someone to move back in. So I am trying to figure out what to do. We want 2 kids so it will be the rooms for the kids but we do not have any right now so there are 2 empty rooms. The other room is a small office.
I just wish his mom was like my mom. But, my mom is amazing and I am sure am lucky to have someone like her to make me see through this stuff and to calm me down. I really cannot talk about this in too much detail with my husband because I do not want to be too mean. I will say what I have to say but I will say it very rarely and light. Unless, I have to be harsh about it then okay so be it.
Disneygeek: I told my husband the same thing. I told him if she were to come back I would get a divorce. I cannot deal with such negative people. She is always cursing and not to mentions she smokes too much.
Tofumonkey: Yep. My mom said the same thing. She told me that having this negative aurora is the potential of damaging our relationship. She told me not to bring up his mother unless there is a need to. I am trying. and it is hard.
I can almost guarantee you she is going to smoke in your house while she watches your cats. Because it sounds like you got upset with her about this before and she just shrugged it off. Is there any way you can put off the furniture purchase and/or delivery until after the vacation is over?
It seems like you still have lingering hard feelings about your husband not getting your opinion about the house he bought all those years ago and it is clouding your feelings about the house now. No offense, but you yourself said you all had just started dating when he bought the house. If I'd only been dating someone for a short period of time when I bought my house, I wouldn't have cared about their opinion either. A house is a long term investment and choice. A relationship with someone I just started dating could be over by the next month. He didn't know at that point you would eventually become his wife. KWIM?
Honestly, I'm not hearing any good reasons you don't like the house, other than what I just mentioned above. I understand about the rooms but, since you all are planning to have children, you will want those rooms not too far down the road anyway. In the meantime, just stay firm with your DH that no one moves back in.
If it needs repairs, than fix them. Maybe doing a whole revamp and redecorating will make it feel more like your home? Let me tell you, both of those options together are probably VASTLY less money than you all would spend to sell and buy a new house. Vastly less.
Closing costs will be around 6% of the value, just going to the real estate agents. Is it typical in your area for sellers to pay some/all buyer closing costs? If so, there goes another few thousand. If it's not, then you'll need to take that same few thou and use it to close on the new house. And those repairs? Depending on what they are, you'd probably have to spend the money to get them fixed anyway in order to sell. And this is all assuming that your DH isn't upside down on the house and would have to bring money to the table.
And after all that, now it is time for you all to buy a house together. Which can be extremely stressful and also expensive.
I'm not necessarily saying it is a bad idea to sell the house and buy a new one if you are truly unhappy in it and don't see a way around it. But you need to know what you are getting into. Selling a house and buying a new one take a tremendous amount of time and money.
In regards to making the house your own, starting painting and redecorating. That should help make it your own. The extra rooms, use that as storage for now while you remodel the other rooms. Eventually one of the rooms it sounds like will be a nursery.
Is there any way you can dely the delivery of your new furniture until after your trip so that way if your MIL smokes in the house it won't be in the new furniture? Also see if your husband would be willing to tell his mom that "Mom, whenyou smoke in the house when we are gone, we can tell. If you can't respect our rule of no smoking in the house, then we'll have to find someone else to take care of the cats while we are gone." Then if it happens, start asking co-workers & friends for pet sitting referrals. Yes, it may cost you money, but to know that your house will be smoke free when you come back is worth it.
Unfortunately, his mom is part of his package. Yes, you want your own family, but she is part of your family now too. She has issues no doubt. But maybe you can do somethings to help her with her issues. Like take her out to dinner or have her over 1-2 times a month. Advantage of going out is that more control on how much time you spend with each other. Talk to the siblings and come up with a plan on how you guys want to deal with her. If each sibling takes MIL out for dinner once a month, and you figure out who gets which week, maybe that would help. Or maybe each sibling can give up a whole day to spend with mom. Helping her with any errands, taking her to a new place, etc. Then mom gets to see each of her kids at least once a month & gets out of the house a few times a month too. Maybe that would help her with her depression. Knowing that hey, this Sunday I get to see Bobby. Then next sunday I get to see Susie, then the next weekend I get to see Joey. This would help split the responsibility of keeping an eye on her among all the siblings. But your husband and his sibilings need to sit down & talk and come up with a plan not only for long term for what do we want to do when mom can no longer live by herself, but "what can we do now to help mom out so that she can continue to live on her own & be happier." Basically you have to suck it up and realize she's not going anywhere and you, your husband and his siblings, need to figure out the best way to deal with her.
Oh, and it's not "too late" to change plans. you KNOW she'll smoke. you KNOW it. this is YOUR home too - YOU get a say. Push back on your DH. Make him come up with another solution.
And if he refuses... I'll tell you that you need to start doing some serious soul searching about what you want - from him, your marriage, how kids will fit into yourlives, etc. Do NOT make plans based on wishes. make plans based on reality.
I agree, though, with tofu that you really need to be careful about what you say and when. this is a lesson I learned personally. You bitch too much about his mom - he WILL get tired of it and he'll stop hearing you. You've got to back off and worry about the REAL issues and let some of the smaller shit go.
This IS his mom and as annoying as she may be, if you push too hard and if you push over inconsequential stuff, you WILL lose. There is a balance here. While he seems to be putting her first before you, if you bitch at him too much about every little aspect of her and how she annoys you, he'll stop caring.
The fact that you compare her to your mom and wishes she was like your mom - just STOP. STOP that entirely. They may both be "moms" but they are 2 different people. Stop comparing them.
Yeah, I can't imagine it would cost very much to board a cat. In my area, it is about $15-$20/day. What about a neighbor? When my DH and I got married and went on our 10-day honeymoon, we just had our next door neighbor pop in once every day or two to fill up our cat's water and food bowl. Cats are great in that they really don't need much. She was willing to do it for free, but we gave her $100 and a nice bottle of wine as a thank-you.