I ruined my husband's birthday

Re: I ruined my husband's birthday

• GilliC member

  

  April 2015

  I want to talk to someone as I am completely miserable. Yesterday was my husband's 32nd birthday and I had to go to work that day As i had an important meeting. My husband is not working By the way. He is looking for a job. We have been married for 1 year now. i was really sad i had to leave him alone on his birthday but i promised him that i would take the next day off and we're going to celebrate your birthday the whole weekend. The only thing i dint know was that my husband dint agree with this plan. I could have taken a holiday on his birthday to surprise but we were planning to travel in July for a long vacation and when i had asked him months before his birthday if i should take your birthday day off he said no need. So even i left it and now he says that i could have surprised him. Anyway i went to work full of guilt and came to know that my important meeting had been postponed the next day. So instead of leaving work early to be with my husband's i chose to stay at work and finish the work i had and eventually it became quite late. I left office at 6:30 in the evening. My husband was really upset and he started insulting me and shouting saying that i could have choose to come home early as the work i had was bit critical ( and indeed my work was not that critical) as he was waiting for me to come home but i took work as priority. I argued saying i was taking the day off the next day so wanted to finish my work properly. He got really angry when i started arguing and he even started calling me names like bitch and some others in my native language. wee were taking on phone so cut the phone when he stated shouting at me which i know he hates. I got really angry and said I'm not coming home out of anger and i also said that he's not understanding. I knew i could have come home early but i had so many things plannned for the next few days that i thought it was ok. But my husband dint think that way. He said he was born on his birthday and not the day after to celebrate his birthday whenever i feel like. I felt really bad. I never in my life thought he would think like that And get so upset. Is not like i forgot hours birthday. I wished him at midnight and gave him two of the gifts that i had bought him. I was planning to give the remaining during the weekend as small surprises bit everything got ruined. Eventually he said sorry to me on the phone in a sarcastic way.sorry that he yelled at me and called me names and sorry that since he's not working he won't understand how the Corporate world works. I thought he was sincerely saying sorry so even i said that I'm sorry for not coming home early. But he said he doesn't give a shit about my sorry because i don't mean it and he does not want to hear it. He then said that i also made him say sorry on his birthday which he has never done in 32 years And that i should be really happy now. When i reached back home i thought I'll make it up to him but i stated crying as i knew i had spoiled his birthday. But he just brushed it aside telling me not to be melodramatic. I dint know what to do after that i cried a lot and slept of without making any dinner. The next day morning i went to hug him when he was sleeping and he just started shouting at me saying that i am shameless to think that when i hug all our problems will be solved. And shameless to act as if nothing happened yesterday. I did not talk to day anything to him. I missed him a lot and i just went to hug him. But for him i was nuisance which he did say to my face. he said as it is he slept very late yesterday and i come to disturb him. He also has another very bad habit. He has the habit of masturbating watching porn. He doesn't hide that from me. He openly tells me but it hurts me like hell. He says he will stop but till now he hasn't. And even yesterday night when i was sleeping he did it seems. I thought ill forget all that get up and make him food because he also criticised me yesterday night saying that i dint make dinner for him and left him to starve and that i am the best wife sarcastically..i woke up late today morning because of too much crying and my head was buzzing so i made breakfast for lunch. Also my stomach was upset and i was in toilet after cooking.someone rang the flat door bell so i had to go in middle of the toilet as my husband was sleeping and when i came back after letting the person in i went straight to bathroom. He woke up and started taking food from fridge to heat ( he had ordered lunch outside yesterday and reheated the left overs today). He saw the dish that i had made as i could hear him move the utensils bit he still chose the left overs. I told him that i had made food for him and he again critixised saying that you already make breakfast for lunch inspite of knowing that he dint have dinner yesterday and that instead of me telling him that food is ready i expect him to eat according to when i want him to. i was so shocked when he said all this as never in my life did i think what he said. I told him i was in the toilet because my stomach was upset. And the only answer he said was that i dint ask u for food, i dint ask u anything. I was hungry i took yesterday's food, If i want to eat what i made ( again sarcastically said she made breakfast when it's already lunch time) then go ahead and eat. I left him and went to bathroom. I have no idea what to do. Is this all because i came home late on his birthday? I know he's saying all this out of anger and after few days it will be normal but what did i do to deserve this. I know i was not there on his birthday but i was going to make it up for him the next 3 days. Even i had a birthday. I had to remind him at midnight that its my birthday and he said he a lot of sorry that time. But i forgived him because i love him. He gave me gifts yes but he did not do anything special for me that day. Dint take me out dint cook for me nothing. But i never complained. I was happy and my birthday was on a weekend so we both were at home. He doesn't respect me my husband. What should i do. I have no idea. I feel so bad that i ruined his birthday but there nothing that i can possibly do because he won't let it go out allow me to make it up to him. Please help.

  
  So you asked if you should take the day off, and he said no. Then he got upset that you didn't take the day off? 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn to communicate. If he wanted you to stay home, he should have said just told you that when you asked. And 18:30 is not late. It sounds like he thinks the entire world revolves around him. What a muddy situation.

  
  

  
  

  (Also, most people masturbate when they watch porn. That's pretty normal, so if it really bothers you, you might want to see a therapist to work through why it upsets you.)

  

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015

  months before his birthday i was planning to take the day to surprise him and sometime when the holiday topic came up i had told him that i was planning to take his birthday day off. After saying that only did i realise that it was meant to be a surprise. But the first thing be said was that's not necessary. And now he tells me i should have surprised him by taking the day of. I know people see porn and masturbate to it. But that's something not acceptable by me. He had that habit long back from when we were dating and i asked him to gradually stop when we married. I did not throw a tantrum and say if u don't quit il leave you stuff. I told him that i dont like it it hurts me so please stop and he promised he would try. But whenever he feels like having sex his first option is masturbate to porn. Whenever we fight he watches porn. and then later he apologises bit nowadays even that's not there. He just tells me that i watched porn as if it's a good thing when he knows i don't like it. I told him that we will visit a therapist but no. He says he will stop himself. Till now he hasn't talked to me. Just keeps barking at me. The whole day i have been sick due to my stomach v problem. And not once food he offer to cook something for me. I had to get up to make some rice. But i can't say anything because i spoiled his birthday right which only comes once.

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015

  watching porn is on with me as long as it's rare.But everyday? We rarely have sex. I went through an abortion last month because we couldn't afford to have A kid now. As our financial situation is not good. That's the only time we had sex. If we have sex once in a month that's like a celebration.

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• bridejl member

  

  April 2015

  It sounds to me like your DH ruined his birthday, not you. He had expectations that he didn't communicate to you, those expectations didn't happen and he acted like a baby as a result. He could have sucked it up and had a nice evening with you after you got home from work, but he chose a different direction. That is no fault of yours.
  
  About the porn/sex issue - I think a counselor would be helpful, for both of you. There are communication and expectation issues on both sides, and being able to work through it with a professional would be beneficial.
  

  

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  Well he blamed me again today morning and started criticising me again today morning. I told him so many sorries.i told him sorry for spoiling his day for not coming home early for not coming anything special for him for making him say sorry etc. But the only thing he told me is that never in his life is he going to forget what i did on his birthday and will never in his life forgive. I said ill make it up to him but he said he doesn't care if i make it up or not. I have no idea what to do. he said i hurt him do much by opting to stay at work even when i knew that i could leave early. I guess i dint think the way he did and stayed at work more because i was taking the next day off. I don't know what to do now. Have i some something so terrible by not coming home early when it was his birthday

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• GilliC member

  

  April 2015

  Well, if he's never going to forgive you for this, I'd say it's time to pack up and move out. No sense hanging around if he's never going to get over it, right?

  
  

  
  

  

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• Erikan73 member

  

  April 2015

  I think there is something bigger going on then just his birthday. Is he perhaps depressed that he hasn't been able to find work and that he's taking his frustration from that out on you? If you have any plans to have kids, put those on hold for now. You have marital issues you need to resolve. Since he said he's not going to forgive, you stop apologizing & trying to make it better. And if he continues to act like a 5 year old, it may be time to treat him like one. Next time he throw a tantrum about his birthday, go do you need a time out? because you're acting like a spoiled 5 year old and that's what 5 years old get when they throw tantrums. You can't let this run your life

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• Xstatic3333 member

  

  April 2015

  I have a more extreme reaction to this than some of the PP.  I think the way your husband is treating you is not okay, and borderline abusive.  I would move out, immediately.  At best, he is acting like an overgrown child.  You are putting your job first since it is currently supporting both of you!  A 32nd birthday is not something that needs to stop business as usual.

  
  

  HIs reaction as typed here seems extremely controlling.  Has he been this controlling in the past? 

  
  

  The porn is a lesser issue but should certainly not be prioritized over his relationship with you.

  
  

  I urge you to please be careful, speak with someone in your life you can trust (can you trust your family?) and move out if he is going to treat you this way.

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015

  Well we actually talked and solved the problem today. He said he was alone and dint want to be alone on his birthday. So he expected me to come home early and be with him. He said he'ssorry for screaming and shouting just that he got really hurt when i could have easily come home but chose not to. He said if it was something really critical like an imp meeting then he would have understood. So we both apologised and hugged. I said that even I'm sorry for not coming home early and leaving him alone. you were right Erikan73 he was lonely.

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• GilliC member

  

  April 2015

  I was assuming this was MUD, because I can't imagine being with someone who treated me that way. Even if he was extremely disappointed, shouting at you and telling you that this was something he'll never forgive you for? That's waaaaay overreacting and frankly terrifying. Not to mention making you feel like it was your fault that he was throwing a tantrum.

  
  

  You said that he wasn't willing to see a therapist, but I would highly suggest seeing someone on your own. What you've written here sounds like an abusive relationship, and a therapist can help you determine whether you need to be worried. And if nothing else, a therapist could help you recognize behaviors and reactions that you might be able to change to help avoid conflict.

  

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015

  Well whenever we argue he gets extremely angry but then that anger lasts for a few minutes only. Then he days sorry for anything hurtful he said to me. He says that whatever he says it's just out of anger and not to take it to heart. I know he loves me a lot and but yeah on his birthday i felt hurt when he shouted at me. But now when i think about even i was being unreasonable and only thinking about my side. Even i would have been really hurt if my husband had opted to stay at work If he could have come home early On my birthday and i was trying to justify what i did. So in a way yeah i feel responsible too. But i did talk to him about using abusing words and shouting. And he apologised for that. Saying what he said was just out of anger and i know he meant. He was really sweet to me today. The thing is we rarely fight. the birthday one was like our biggest fight. I don't mind him shouting at me if i did something wrong. I might be too stubborn to accept it at that time but eventually i will understand is my mistake and make it up. But the only thing i can't handle is calling me bad wOrds. i did talk to him about this and he said he'll stop doing that. It's just when he's angry he gets it off control. He kept hugging me today saying that he missed me And i know he means it. ii told him about the therapist and he's agreed to see one as well. So all is good . I feel much better now..

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• Xstatic3333 member

  

  April 2015

  I'm glad this particular situation is resolved, but I'd still urge you to speak with a counselor about what is going on with the way you two fight.  Going alone would be fine if he won't go, and perhaps even would be desirable.  I'm reading in your words too high of a tolerance for being yelled at.  I'm glad your H apologized for his behavior, but as far as I am concerned you had zero to apologize for and he shouldn't have punished you by acting that way.  

  
  

  You used the phrase "I don't mind him shouting at me if I did something wrong."  I think you should always mind shouting, and shouldn't be so quick to assume you did something "wrong."  It sounds like your H (perhaps you too) is playing the blame game a lot.  Adults in relationships fight, and that's okay.  But fights shouldn't result in the determination that one person is wrong and needs to be punished.  Both people should get their feelings out, sometimes loudly perhaps but always respectfully, and then reach a resolution.  Name calling/punishment should never play into it.  

  
  

  I think I'm finding the birthday thing a little bit off as well.  In my world, it would be very, very unusual for someone to ask their SO to take off their birthday.  Like, pretty much unheard of.  People always celebrate birthdays, but after work or on the next weekend day is fine.  I'll sometimes take off my own birthday to lounge around the house, but don't expect H to do the same.  I think you mentioned in your OP that you two are from another country (I can't find it now, so apologies if I'm mixing you up with another poster).  Are birthdays more significant in your tradition?

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• elsa2110 member

  

  April 2015

  Yes in a way your right. he gets too out of control he's angry abs sometimes it of anger starts name calling. There is no punishment as such. He never physically abuses me and I'm sure he'll never be able to do that. He loves me enough to not touch me in an harmful way. But yes i don't like the name calling. And iv told him about that. He said he wouldn't do it again. So iv got to wait and see. And yes we both are from a different country. And no we both din't have amazing childhoods were our birthdays were celebrated. But he just expected that me being his wife would surprise him by taking the day off and spending the time with him. Actually he even told me that if the work was that critical that i couldn't take a day off then it was ok i dint take a holiday. He can understand if im really needed at work. But the main issue was that even though there wasn't anything critical at work and inspite of knowing that i could get out of work early , i stayed late and reached home late. That's y he was really Hurt. I was trying to justify that which made him angry. But yeah i told him that doesn't mean you should call me names and all. It hurt me and he was sorry for that. And he only shouts at me when i raise my voice as well. He doesn't like me raising my voice back at him when he's shouting. It just gets him more angry. He says if he's wrong or if he's shouting just listen to it for that much time and then when he calms down talk to him and correct him if he's wrong. He'll understand. Just that during that time when he's angry he won't think about anything else. Only later will he realise. Ive told him that still the angry words hurt because i have to listen to them. And that's when he said he'll try changing. anyways i hope everything turns out for the Better. He kept hugging me yesterday which i knew was his way of expressing that he's sorry.

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• GilliC member

  

  April 2015

  This pattern of behavior is actually an extremely common pattern in controlling relationships. He acts out, and then is a model partner, apologizing and trying to make up for it.

  
  

  Has this ever happened before? If it has not, I think it's worth determining why his reaction this time was so out of character. Is there something else that is bothering him? Is his birthday that important to him (important to know for next time)?

  
  

  If this has happened before, or if it ever happens again, please go talk to a therapist. I know it can be a difficult thing to do, but it can also be extremely helpful. And if we're all wrong and the therapist determines everything is okay, then you'll have that peace of mind!

  

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• Erikan73 member

  

  April 2015

  Glad you were able to work things out and that you didn't just "throw in the towel." I would probably just keep an open eye to future behavior to make sure that this doesn't turn into a pattern on how he behaves in situtions where he doesn't like the outcome. You don't want his behavior to become a regular thing or esculate. And also hopefully once he finds a job, he'll feel better about himself and that will have a positive impact on your relationship too.

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• short+sassy member

  

  April 2015

  Other PPs have pointed out the huge red flags going on here, so I will leave that alone.

  But I'm also wondering if this whole birthday thing is a cultural difference.  It's just so bizarre sounding.  At least in the U.S., people usually don't even take their own birthday off from work...much less their spouses.  I've never taken my birthday off from work.

  And really, once your past the age of 18, birthdays are just not a big deal.  Sure, they should be acknowledged by a spouse and close family members...which you did...but its not like the world needs to stop for their "special day".  Ridiculous.  Especially since he apparently forgot your birthday anyway.  I would have been throwing that in his face when he started acting like a petulant child.  Talk about a double standard!

  At any rate, I'm glad you are feeling better.  But your husband needs to get his irrational, crazy temper under control, for both your sakes.

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• Tofumonkey member

  

  April 2015

  He ruined his birthday, and potentially (hopefully) his marriage.
  
  He is seriously abusive. Run. Run Forest Run.

  
  

  Honestly. Great. He apologized. Woo hoo! Oh wait, there was a 'but' in there, wasn't there.

  
  

  I'm sorry for screaming at you and making you feel like garbage, BUT I did it because you hurt me when you did X.

  
  

  I'm sorry dumping your clothes on the lawn and lighting them on fire, BUT you choosing to work and pay bills over spending time with me really hurt my feelings.
  
  Somehow he made it into your fault, right?
  
  Here's how it should have played out:
  
  Him: I'm sorry for screaming and shouting at you yesterday. I way overreacted ,and it won't happen again. I love you, and I am so sorry.

  
  

  You: Thank you, your reaction really hurt. I didn't realize how much the day meant to you that we spend it together. Let's plan something more concrete next year.

  
  

  THE END.

  
  

  
  Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
  I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!

  
  http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk

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• VOR member

  

  April 2015

  Dude.  So many issues.
  
  And I'll say this - my DH is 42.  I've been with him since he was 19.  Want to know how many of his birthday's i've taken off from work?  None.  0.  Zippy. 
  
  Want to know how many times he's been mad at me for that?  None.  0.  Zippy. 
  
  Want to know how many of my birthday's he's taken off?  I'll let you guess.
  
  Want to know how many times I've been mad at him for that?  Again, I'll let you take a guess.  The answer has already been written out twice in this post. 
  
  The level of anger he expressed over this, especially when he TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE THE DAY OFF, is not normal or o.k. on any level.  It's just not.  He's a grown adult.  He needs to get over himself.
  
  
  

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• mimivac member

  

  May 2015

  I agree with the ladies who are calling this out as an abusive relationship. So, let me get this straight: you are the only one working and paying the bills. It seems like you are also the only one cooking and cleaning (surmising here from what you said about his expectations that you cook him dinner and sarcastically calling you "a good wife). As the sole earner in the family, you are yelled at, degraded, and "punished" for working at your job instead of staging a big surprise for his 32nd birthday. The yelling and name calling go on for days. You are told to sit down and shut up when he's yelling because that's what he needs to do. You rarely have sex because your husband prefers porn and then tells you about it. Basically, everything is about him, his needs, his ego, and his desire to control you.

  According to the scenario you described, you did nothing wrong. He should never have expected you to take the day off, surpirse him, or do anything other than affectionately agknowledge his birthday with a modest gift (which you did). You had an abortion last month because you are not in a financial position to have a child, so it seems that a big celebration would not be a responsible thing to do anyway. My anecdotal experience with this kind of behavior and from what I've read, this will not stop, but only escalate with time. The pattern is clear: you supposedly do something "wrong." He gets out of control with his anger and makes you pay until you are blaming yourself, too. He eventually apologizes and you are grateful. Then you "sin" again, and the cycle repeats. In many cases, the abusive will become physical.

  Stop groveling and take back your life.

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