Relationships
gemmeg
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FYI: I'm moving to your city
Recently I've fallen out of best-friendhood with "O", whom I've been friends with since middle school. I've come to the realization that she's really never been a good friend to me or our other best friend "S". In high school she would start unnecessary drama with others and get mad at us when we didn't join the fight. I was a bad friend for not choosing to go to the same college as her and be her roommate. She ended up with a roommate she hated, and that was my fault. She became a bit distant during and right after college and would act surprised that her two best friends would want to hang out and do stuff with her. She caused unnecessary drama in my wedding party and, more recently, in S's wedding party. When we were younger, S and I were able to look past O's issues because we were loyal friends. Now that we're adults, I'm not cool with a friendship that requires me to put in so much more than I'm getting in return. I sent O messages on Thanksgiving and Christmas and she didn't acknowledge either. S's birthday passed and O didn't even wish her a happy birthday. O, S, and I were supposed to plan our high school 10 year reunion together, but O took charge without talking to us, made a mess of things, then sent us a message saying a family wedding came up the weekend the reunion was going to be, so she couldn't come and she left the planning to me. I was sad to feel relief that she wasn't involved anymore. That was months ago and I haven't heard anything from her since then, nor have I made any effort to contact her. In a few months, my husband, son and I are moving to the city she lives in. I'm conflicted on how to handle the situation. Should I send her a message and let her know I'm moving to town? Should I just not say anything since I don't plan on repairing our friendship and don't anticipate her making any efforts to do so? I don't want to intentionally hurt her by not saying anything, but I don't know what to say.
Re: FYI: I'm moving to your city
In all honesty, I'm surprised you still called her your "best friend" after:
was a bad friend for not choosing to go to the same college as her and be her roommate. She ended up with a roommate she hated, and that was my fault. She became a bit distant during and right after college and would act surprised that her two best friends would want to hang out and do stuff with her.
But you seem to have finally realized that "best friends forever" from our childhood do actually end up drifting apart too. I realize history has a strong pull to want to keep friends, but obviously there is a point where too much BAD history no longer makes it worth it.
What do you want? What do you REALLY want? Do you want to reconnect? Do you want to not be friends? Figure this out. You're moving to her city - you don't owe her anything. So what if it "hurts" her? She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, right? Stop making decisions purely based on HER feelings.
If you REALLY don't want to be friends, then don't contact her. But if a part of you does, then AFTER you move there and settle in, sure, shoot her a note. But be very, very realistic. If you reach out with the hopes that "oh, maybe she's changed", chances are she hasn't. Go into this with eyes wide open. AND realize that you may be opening a can of worms if you do reach out to her.
And if you don't reach out and if she finds out where you live (and in time, she may), don't be apologetic. She "confronts" you on not contacting her? I'd just say "You kind of disappeared from our lives so I wanted to respect that you wanted distance. And as such, by the time we moved, it really didn't even occur to me to contact you.".
In the end, it's HER actions that have led you to where you are, right? So- put that back on her. Not rudely, not drama like, just matter of fact. IF this even comes up.
I'm torn, part of me says not to say anything because it sounds like it was a toxic relationship and why do anything that would help encourage it to continue. The then again, if you don't tell her and you run into each other somewhere and she asks what you are doing there & you say "I live here now" how ackward will that be.
I think the compromise is that if you send out "we've moved" notices or emails, to include her but that doesn't mean you have to become buddy buddy with her. It just means that you don't have to keep an eye for her and if you run into her, it won't be the ackward, oh yeah, I've been living her for 6 months now situation. And gee darn, you lost her number & address in the move.
@gemmeg So sorry for what you're going through. I had a similar situation about a year ago and while it was hard seeing how little that person cared about our long friendship, I now feel like it was for the best. Some friends are life long and some are there for a season. I guess its easy to see where this one falls into.