Family Matters
mrswazlib
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! So much family drama that I've been diagnosed with anxiety!
Hi ladies!
I've got a lot of drama happening in my family right now. My dad has just been through a treatment for cancer, and while he's now cancer-free and there's nothing to worry about at the moment, it's only been a week since we've all found out. In the meantime, he's just come back from his third tour to the Middle East (as a Marine) and is in the process of moving to his new job. He and my mom (who is also military and is still going strong at 51) are still happily married, but haven't been able to live together for about 6 years now. And it'll be at least one more. So he's moving this week after only having been home a few months, and only just newly cancer-free. My mom is moving as well, so that's two family members making big changes.
I'm finishing my Masters halfway across the world and rarely have the time or money to go back to the States, and my fiancé and I are now 3 months out from our wedding, of which my sister is the MOH. I'll be graduating 10 days before my wedding and moving back to the States at that point. I've also just been diagnosed with anxiety because of all the major life shifts our family is going through.
Okay, so there's the backstory of all of the stressful stuff that's happening on top of what most of this post is about. My sister's had a rough year. She's 17 months younger than me, but SO different. We're best friends and I love her, but a lot of major things have been happening to her and I'm the only person she tells. She's always been secretive and doesn't like to confide in my parents (who can, admittedly, be pretty intimidating with all their military stuff), but I've always told my parents about my life and don't keep anything from them. Not telling them about her when they can clearly see that something is wrong and are worried is killing me. I have to lie to them all the time when they ask me if I know anything, and now it's affecting my anxiety because I don't know how to help my sister.
She's in college and in the last few months has lost her virginity, been sexually assaulted in her own bedroom, witnessed a pedestrian be killed by the car in front of her on her campus, has dropped out of school for a semester, and has now found out that she's pregnant by a guy that she's been casually hooking up with. She's planning to have an abortion tomorrow and only found out yesterday.
I'm at a total loss. I love her and support her, and it sounds like she's a mess, but she's really an intelligent girl that lots of really awful things have happened to and who made one stupid decision one night...
This isn't a post about whether it's right or wrong to abort her baby. It's up to her and I won't get involved. I just want to know if any ladies think that I'm being insane by not telling my family about all this. She's been in a downward spiral but doesn't think she needs anyone or any help. But since we were kids, she's always bottled up everything remotely emotional, and it always explodes badly, sometimes years later. I'm afraid something awful might happen to her if I don't help her, but I'm an ocean away. How can I help?
I've got a lot of drama happening in my family right now. My dad has just been through a treatment for cancer, and while he's now cancer-free and there's nothing to worry about at the moment, it's only been a week since we've all found out. In the meantime, he's just come back from his third tour to the Middle East (as a Marine) and is in the process of moving to his new job. He and my mom (who is also military and is still going strong at 51) are still happily married, but haven't been able to live together for about 6 years now. And it'll be at least one more. So he's moving this week after only having been home a few months, and only just newly cancer-free. My mom is moving as well, so that's two family members making big changes.
I'm finishing my Masters halfway across the world and rarely have the time or money to go back to the States, and my fiancé and I are now 3 months out from our wedding, of which my sister is the MOH. I'll be graduating 10 days before my wedding and moving back to the States at that point. I've also just been diagnosed with anxiety because of all the major life shifts our family is going through.
Okay, so there's the backstory of all of the stressful stuff that's happening on top of what most of this post is about. My sister's had a rough year. She's 17 months younger than me, but SO different. We're best friends and I love her, but a lot of major things have been happening to her and I'm the only person she tells. She's always been secretive and doesn't like to confide in my parents (who can, admittedly, be pretty intimidating with all their military stuff), but I've always told my parents about my life and don't keep anything from them. Not telling them about her when they can clearly see that something is wrong and are worried is killing me. I have to lie to them all the time when they ask me if I know anything, and now it's affecting my anxiety because I don't know how to help my sister.
She's in college and in the last few months has lost her virginity, been sexually assaulted in her own bedroom, witnessed a pedestrian be killed by the car in front of her on her campus, has dropped out of school for a semester, and has now found out that she's pregnant by a guy that she's been casually hooking up with. She's planning to have an abortion tomorrow and only found out yesterday.
I'm at a total loss. I love her and support her, and it sounds like she's a mess, but she's really an intelligent girl that lots of really awful things have happened to and who made one stupid decision one night...
This isn't a post about whether it's right or wrong to abort her baby. It's up to her and I won't get involved. I just want to know if any ladies think that I'm being insane by not telling my family about all this. She's been in a downward spiral but doesn't think she needs anyone or any help. But since we were kids, she's always bottled up everything remotely emotional, and it always explodes badly, sometimes years later. I'm afraid something awful might happen to her if I don't help her, but I'm an ocean away. How can I help?
Re: Help! So much family drama that I've been diagnosed with anxiety!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
@Tofumonkey 's post x 10.
OP, I think your post is a good example of even when great and wonderful things are happening, it can be stressful.
I agree you need to stop worrying so much about others. Your parents chose their lifestyle a long time ago and obviously like it, even with the drawbacks. Big Woo-Hoo on your dad being cancer-free. That is amazing and joyful news.
It sounds like some of the stress is also coming from your being so far away from your family. But that time is coming to a close. You are moving back to the States soon and I hope that alleviates some of the stress and (maybe?) alienation that you are feeling.
Really, the only concerning thing I read in your post is your sister's sexual assault and her quitting school...probably because of it, though it sounds like she is not admitting that. She desperately needs counseling for this and I agree that I would be worried sick she is refusing to get it. Although I would keep her secret, I would strongly encourage her to let her parents know what happened and/or seek a counselor. Have her at least call one of those rape hotlines. Perhaps if you offer to be with her when she tells your parents and/or offer to go with her to her first counseling session. I realize those options would need to wait until you are back in the States, but at least it is something.
Assuming (and praying) it didn't happen during the assault, losing her virginity is not a big deal. That was her grown up choice to make. Having an abortion is not a big deal...and yes, I feel the pro-life daggers being shot at me. I've actually known a few women who have had abortions, one of them I even drove her to the clinic so she wouldn't be alone. For all of them, it was mildly upsetting at the time, but after just a few months it was pretty much forgotten. It's a very minor, very safe outpatient procedure as long as it is done within the first three months. Your sister will be just fine after it, both physically and emotionally.
In fact, I also have a friend in her 50s who is very pro-life now, but had an abortion when she was in her 20s. She is the only person I've known who says she kind of regrets it, though it was probably for the best. But even that is said in a nonchalant tone...like, she says it because she feels she is supposed to say that, but doesn't really mean it.
You have a lot of major life events going on. But with your parents being career military, moving around I'm guessing isn't something new for your family. Like PP said, your parents choose to stay in the military as long as they have and they have been aware of what that would mean for their relationship and family.
In regards to your situation, you have so much going on right now, graduation shool, wedding & moving. I think the stress of all these at once would have a major emotional effect on anyone. I think if you were handling it all in stride I would be worried about you.
In regards to your sister, all you can do is be there as a venting board. Try to present her options for life choices. And with that comment I mean, helping her to way the pro's and con's of going back or not going back to school, her relationships with men. etc. But I think the big thing that you can do is to encourage her to go to counseling to help deal with everything she is going through and encourage to stop bottling up her emotions.
Good luck with everything & congrats on finishing college & getting married.