How to politely decline hugs from MIL??

MyMy22 · May 2015

So, I am really not a hugger. I hardly even hug my own parents or best friends unless the situation really calls for it.

Now, my MIL and her mom (my grandma-in-law??) are EXTREMELY touchy. When we were first dating, of course I went along with the hugging to make a good impression, and I regret that decision every time I see them. Now it has been 5 years (we've been married for 1) and it has got to stop. We get along enough, but honestly I don't like either of them very much, and I hate the fact that I am expected to hug (and even receive kisses ON THE MOUTH from the grandma) with these people who I don't feel close to in any way, when I don't even like to hug people I'm close to. It's gotten to the point that I get extreme anxiety every time we go over and I have started to avoid even seeing them at all costs. I've brainstormed all the ways I could try to explain this, but my MIL is extremely sensitive and I have literally put this conversation off for 5 years because I'm afraid to hurt her.

Is there any polite way to tell her I don't want her to touch me??

englishtrish1 · May 2015

You have two problems, the first is that you have allowed this to go unchecked for all this time when hopefully your DH could have nipped this in the bud at the beginning.
Secondly, there is no gracious way to say, after 5 years, don't hug me.
Does DH know how this makes you feel? If so I would have him tackle.

As for grandma mouth kisses, no, just no. Tell her you have some disease that's spread through lip to lip contact

joleri23 · May 2015

You definitely should have said something earlier, but it's too late now. The best you can do is politely and gently explain that you don't like to hug ANYONE. It's probably going to hurt their feelings, but here are your choices: have their feelings temporarily hurt by having an uncomfortable conversation, or suck it up and deal with it.

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

englishtrish1 said:
You have two problems, the first is that you have allowed this to go unchecked for all this time when hopefully your DH could have nipped this in the bud at the beginning.
Secondly, there is no gracious way to say, after 5 years, don't hug me.
Does DH know how this makes you feel? If so I would have him tackle.

As for grandma mouth kisses, no, just no. Tell her you have some disease that's spread through lip to lip contact

Yes, tell grandma that you are sick or something and don't want her to get sick too. Do this enough times and maybe eventually she'll get the message. But you absolutely should say something to your H and let him handle it.

Tofumonkey · May 2015

I'd pass it off as a joke. Straight up tell them that you are so sorry, but you're not comfortable with hugs - you never have been. You wanted to fit in with them so you tried to get into hugging, but you are so relieved that you feel so comfortable with H's family now that you can just be yourself and be honest. Sorry it's so weird, I know, I know. Some people don't like spiders, I don't like hugging. It's just a thing. Much love!

VOR · May 2015

Tofumonkey said:
I'd pass it off as a joke. Straight up tell them that you are so sorry, but you're not comfortable with hugs - you never have been. You wanted to fit in with them so you tried to get into hugging, but you are so relieved that you feel so comfortable with H's family now that you can just be yourself and be honest. Sorry it's so weird, I know, I know. Some people don't like spiders, I don't like hugging. It's just a thing. Much love!

This is a good approach. Depending on your personality (whether you feel you can be jokey or not), it can also be a quick "discussion" - but definitely use the "relieved that you can be honest with them" bit and I'd even add in how you appreciate their understanding of your feelings. Kind of put it on THEM to accept you for you. This doesn't all have to be about you coddling your MILs feelings, Turn it around a little.,

Joking or not,be BRIGHT about it.

tBohemian · May 2015

Because you didn't speak up from day one, I think you just have to make a small compromise. I would allow a rare, occasional hug, BUT find a way to gently and clearly explain that I am not a touchy-feely person and hugging has always made me uncomfortable. I like Tofumonkey's sample response. I think it would be good for DH to help you out and run interference and take his mom and grandmom aside privately and in advance of your next visit and give them a similar explanation. But you also should fine a way to express yourself to them. And then because hugging is important to them, you can give them the quick occasional hug on special occasions. For example, "MiL, you know I'm not a hugger, but today is your birthday..." (quick hug and you're done.) Goodle youtube for the awkward "side hug" lol!

How to politely decline hugs from MIL??

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