husband not wanting kids

kr0403 · May 2015

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. We knew we would wait a little while for kids, to get settled in a house, both have stable full time jobs, and we have both gotten a lot healthier. He even got to the point where he said it was time for a little one. Now, as I bring up maybe starting to try after I go back to my OBGYN in august, he is freaking out saying we cant because we dont have the money yet and we cant afford to have just his paycheck and I stay home, and basically just keeps coming up with excuses to not have a child. I am so upset and not sure what to do. All my life all I ever wanted was to be a mom and now I feel like it is the one thing I cant do. I am just lost.

tBohemian · May 2015

It can be very intimidating when it is time to really jump into having a baby. I can understand your DH's anxiety. And even when things are going well there will always be a "better" time to have a baby, so one could keep putting it off indefinitely. Have a heart to heart with your DH, see if this is just parenting jitters like the wedding jitters most people experience. Maybe schedule some counseling sessions with a family therapist or your spiritual adviser (rabbi, priest, pastor).

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

Hmmm....well, how old are you guys? I'd say if you are still in your 20's, you do have some time. (I had my LO when I was 39 - honestly, I wouldn't wait this long in case of complications, but early 30's is a good time for kids, imo) BUT, I would flat out ask your H if he even wants children ever. Because here's the thing - you can't force someone to have children if they don't want to - it will only cause problems and resentment down the road. You shouldn't have a child with someone who isn't 100% on board either. Babies are a lot of work. And you need to have a partner that is going to be there to help you. Do not try to conceive with your H until you get this straightened out.

And if he tells you that he never wants to have kids, would that be a dealbreaker for you? If so, then you might want to reconsider the marriage and find someone that does want children. I know that would suck, but better that than to force someone to have kids that doesn't really want them and be stuck in a miserable marriage as a result.

If he does want children though, then you guys need to come up with a solution that works for the both of you as far as timing.

kr0403 · May 2015

We are both 26, almost 27. He said to me a few weeks ago that he thought it was getting to be time for a little one, but now when i bring up that we will have some bills paid off in a few months and we could start trying he freaks out and says that is too soon.

I love him with all my heart and self but if he continues this and does not want kids it would be a dealbreaker. I want kids, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. He tells me he wants them yet this is what continues to happen, we need better jobs, need to get healthier, need to need to need to...

Xstatic3333 · May 2015

It sounds to me like he does want kids, just isn't ready yet. You guys still have time; I'm 30 now and definitely didn't feel ready at 27, so I can see where he's coming from, though I also know it hurts to be on different pages.

Maybe you guys could work on a "baby bucket list" of things to do before TTC. It could be a mix of fun (vacation!) and practical (savings!). I do think it's legitimate to let him know that it's hard for you when he says he's ready but then changes his mind. Could you table the discussion and revisit it after a predetermined time period? Maybe 6 months or a year?

kr0403 · May 2015

Here is my problem, ever since we got married there has been a list he has had and he has added on to for things that have to happen before we have a baby. It was get a house, both of us have steady jobs, get healthy. Every time we accomplish that he adds something else to the we have to do before a baby.

I would love to have that Bucket list. I think he would be open to that. As far as the idea to table to discuss again in X number of months, that has happened several times already and each time we wait and then talk he comes up with another thing to add to the list to say we have to wait.

I just love him and I know he wants children, it just seems like he wants to wait and wait.

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

You know what I've realized over the years? No matter how much you plan, no matter how much you save up, and do all of these things, you still are never 100% ready for a baby. That's not to say that you shouldn't plan anything or save anything - it's just that even when you have all of those things in place, a baby comes and it is a huge life changing event.

I kind of had a similar thing with my H - only imagine the fact that we are older than you and your H, OP. It was very frustrating for me because I didn't want to be 40 years old to start even trying for a baby - the older you get, the more risky it is and chances you could run into problems. When I stressed that to my H and pointed out all of the things that we had in place (a house, good solid steady jobs, no outstanding debts, savings, etc), he came around. I think men tend to be more terrified of the idea of children. Sure, they say they want a child one day, but when it comes down to it, they are afraid because of all of the things I mentioned above.

For us, when we did have our LO, she wound up arriving 11 weeks early via emergency c section and spent 8 weeks in the NICU. THAT, we did not expect to happen, as everything was fine during the entire pregnancy and I felt fine. We really were caught with our pants down - we had a whole list of house stuff we wanted to have finished before the baby - even planned it out on a calendar to keep organized - but hey, shit happens. So you see, even the most prepared people aren't always prepared. lol

kr0403 · May 2015

I am hoping we will be able to get this resolved soon. He goes to counseling with me every so often and I think it is time for another joint session. Part of me wishes it would just happen so he would have to deal with it.

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

you can't force someone to have children if they don't want to - it will only cause problems and resentment down the road. You shouldn't have a child with someone who isn't 100% on board either. Babies are a lot of work. And you need to have a partner that is going to be there to help you. Do not try to conceive with your H until you get this straightened out.

^^THIS! It sucks but you absolutely can't force someone to have a child. I know it hurts to be on two separate pages, but 27 is young in the grand scheme of life. A lot of people don't even get married before 27 or own homes before 27. To be fair to your husband, once the babies here he's a dad for the rest of his life and he's responsible for that child both physically and financially for at least 18 to 20 years, that can be really scary to him. You have to give up your free time, your disposable income, the freedom for vacations and date nights, there's a good chance he just doesn't want to give that up yet. Are you sure you're ready to give that up too?

Also to be fair to your husband, some people change their minds about children. It's easy at 20 to say "I'll have a child someday" when you're not working a full time, career job and you have less responsibility. Some people change their minds when they get older, they just realize that children aren't for them and/or they won't make good parents. If this is truly the case though, he needs to be honest with you since you went into your marriage with the intention of having a child.

I agree with PP that you need to set a decent before baby list that's a mix of saving and doing, but be up front and tell him how you feel. Men don't get that us women have biological clocks and what health risks (plus the lack of energy) come with having babies later in life. On the flip side, you have to be somewhat willing to compromise. Have you run the numbers, do you really have a big financial hole if you stop working when the babies born? Perhaps he's not on the same page with you being a stay at home mom, although day care can be more expensive. You both have to get on the same page as far as how long you're willing to wait to have a baby (within reason, again remember you're still young) and what's a reasonable financial compromise. Be honest with him if you're really set on having a baby that you'll only wait for so long. I hate to see people get divorced because they can't agree on a baby, but I'd hate to see you divorced with a baby because he just didn't want that child.

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

kr0403 said:
I am hoping we will be able to get this resolved soon. He goes to counseling with me every so often and I think it is time for another joint session. Part of me wishes it would just happen so he would have to deal with it.

You absolutely do not want this to happen. Because I can guarantee you, your H will wind up resenting and blaming you for 'allowing it' to happen when he is not ready and that is not fair to him, it's not fair to you, and it sure as hell won't be fair to your unborn child.

A baby is not going to magically fix or force your H into being ready and it won't fix any problems in your relationship. If anything, it will just add stress. Babies are work. Lots and lots of work. It's rewarding, yes, but not if both parents are not 100% on board.

Get this sorted out first before you TTC.

kr0403 · May 2015

We both know it is hard work. And I feel deep in my heart that he wants kids, he is scared and putting it off....I have tried to talk to him but he always gets mad and just blows it off. I know we will work through this, and some of the suggestions from here will really help us.

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

kr0403 said:
We both know it is hard work. And I feel deep in my heart that he wants kids, he is scared and putting it off....I have tried to talk to him but he always gets mad and just blows it off. I know we will work through this, and some of the suggestions from here will really help us.

Well, how are you approaching the subject with him? Are you doing it in a way that is backing him into a corner and putting him on the defense? Because that might be part of the reason why he gets mad then blows it off. That's not to excuse him, but you are going to have to figure out a time and way to have a calm rational discussion about the subject without it blowing up into a fight. Easier said than done, but I think the counseling session would be helpful for you guys.

kr0403 · May 2015

I will admit I have brought this up at some bad times and have been pushy at others, but we have had discussions where we have both been calm talking about this and then it turns into a well we dont have the money, who will watch the kid after, where will you work...all that typical stuff. I think we are going to try going to counseling again and see if we can get this resolved. Im not saying that I want him to tell me, we will start TTC on september 3 or whatever, I just want to know that hey in a few months we can start trying. I dont know, maybe that is selfish.

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

kr0403 said:
I will admit I have brought this up at some bad times and have been pushy at others, but we have had discussions where we have both been calm talking about this and then it turns into a well we dont have the money, who will watch the kid after, where will you work...all that typical stuff. I think we are going to try going to counseling again and see if we can get this resolved. Im not saying that I want him to tell me, we will start TTC on september 3 or whatever, I just want to know that hey in a few months we can start trying. I dont know, maybe that is selfish.

That's not typical stuff, that's real life stuff you have to have nailed down before you TTC. As you know, babies can't watch themselves . It sounds like you want to stay home, at least for some time, can you afford to pay rent/mortgage, your regular utilities plus the cost of formula, diapers, clothes etc. without your paycheck? Do you know what your companies FMLA is like? Do you have to go 6 to 12 weeks without getting paid at all? I'm not trying to be fresh, I think that's what your husband is trying to nail down. Perhaps he wasn't planning on you staying home and he doesn't want the stress of being the sole provider for a family of 3 (which is fair, would you want to work more hours for him to stay home?)

I'm not sure if there's a list of questions to confirm before TTC on here, but I"m sure these lovely moms could help you think of the stuff you need to know. Just think of it like when you got married "where are you going to live, where will you do the holidays, do you want children or not", only there's no room for compromise with a baby.

Bottom line, if you haven't had that conversation nailing down finances, if one of you is staying home or not, schools and daycare, you might not need counseling you just need to sit down and go over all of those details with a calculator and make sure you're both on the same page. If you feel more comfortable with a counselor or mediator to make sure the conversation stays calm then go to that environment. Just don't pressure him, this is a big, life changing deal and it sounds like he's taking the responsible approach so you don't end up in trouble with a child who can't take care of him or herself.

Also, when you have this conversation, be prepared to make some sacrifices. It sounds like he's not as ready as you are. Perhaps you wait another 6 months or 1 year based on whatever you both find will make him "more ready" Perhaps you have to cut out a luxury like cable or cell phones to help cover the cost of you staying home for that period of time. Whatever it is it can't just be your husband giving things up and going into fatherhood sooner than he's ready.

Xstatic3333 · May 2015

When it comes to money, I would sit down with your H and a calculator and/or Excel spreadsheet and actually do the math. Figure out what your "baby budget" would be and find out if you can make it work. Remember that babies don't need all the expensive "stuff" that's on those checklists, but you should budget for medical company's, insurance, formula if BF doesn't work out, etc. The numbers don't lie. Keep in mind that your H may not want to just barely make it work. He may want to keep a buffer to save, contribute to college and retirement, etc. to give your family a great future. If he feels that way, that's actually an awesome characteristic for a father to have!

Re. being a SAHM, did you discuss this with H before you got married? I ask this because it reminded me of the conversation my H and I had while dating in which it came up that he didn't want to be the sole provider in a marriage, even if the money worked out. For me this was fine since I want to be a working mom (and he does his share at home!) but I was surprised to learn that many guys feel this way. It came up in the first place because one of his friends had a relationship end for this reason. Could you look into evening/weekend work opportunities that would allow you to skip daycare while still meeting your financial goals as a family?

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

Xstatic3333 said:
Re. being a SAHM, did you discuss this with H before you got married? I ask this because it reminded me of the conversation my H and I had while dating in which it came up that he didn't want to be the sole provider in a marriage, even if the money worked out. For me this was fine since I want to be a working mom (and he does his share at home!) but I was surprised to learn that many guys feel this way. It came up in the first place because one of his friends had a relationship end for this reason. Could you look into evening/weekend work opportunities that would allow you to skip daycare while still meeting your financial goals as a family?

This might be a big part of his concerns. I don't know if you've ever had to live paycheck to paycheck, but it sucks. I'm assuming eventually you have goals of going on fun family vacations, maybe even big ones like Disney, paycheck to paycheck lifestyle won't get you a vacation. Give some thought to your work schedule too, are you or your husband willing to trade hours to avoid day care? Are you ok with literally not seeing your husband to save money on day care? Again these are things you have to think about before a baby comes.

P.S. I've heard that Aflac offers extra protection for mother's who have a plan for 1 year, meaning you can get extra money during maternity leave to help cover the cost of you not working if you have the plan for 1 year. Perhaps you and your husband should look into options like that to help cover the bills for the 1st year or 2.

Amanda1443994 · May 2015

As some others have stated, you need to have a conversation with him to see if the financial issues are well-founded. If you cannot afford a baby, please do not have one. I completely understand the desire to have one--but if you and your husband are unable to pay for the care of a child on your own, then it's not a responsible decision to procreate. Having children is not an entitlement. So if this issue is based off of truth, you should consider waiting a few years before you both are more stable. You are young & can afford to wait.

Erikan73 · May 2015

Obviously you guys need to have some on going communication about this issue. Other PP made some great suggestions to sitting down & making a baby bucket list, figuring how much room you have in budget for baby to determine, can you live on one income, do you have room in your budget for daycare? Maybe talk to some friends and/or family members to get ideas on the different costs you need to plan for with having a baby and rework your budget to see if you wan accomodate for those expenses. And if he's worried if you can survive on one income so you can be a SAHM, start putting you whole income into the bank and seeing if you can survive on one income and still have money left over for baby expenses. Hopefully it's an issue like PP said of baby jitters. But sitting down & talking about this and figuring out ways to possibly figure things out will be the key to figuring out where your marriage is going.

kr0403 · May 2015

We both sat down and discussed this....he would like me to be able to stay home, and if possible get A part time job to work hours he Isn't working. I want to say thank you for all the advice I have received and I am always open for more....yes we are still young, however this is something we have been working towards and I know we will get there soon.

TarponMonoxide · June 2015

Wait a year --- stay on track with saving money and etc etera --- and then bring up the subject again.

Save money where you can:

Coupons and store cards that you scan to take advantage of sales: use 'em!
Cut back on frillls like eating out
Give holiday gifts only to each other, immediate family and close friends (give the friends and immediate family something under $20: there are lots of things you can buy)
Buy things on clerance racks only, shop at the end of season for things like coats for next year, etc.
Save on your energy bills: cut the lights when you leave the room, etc.

husband not wanting kids

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