Birthday situation

cabret22 · May 2015

My SILs 2nd kid was born on my birthday last year so this year will make it his first birthday. He is one of four grandkids so it's not as if this is a huge family milestone (I.e. the first kid's first birthday). I have just finished a master's degree and am completely exhausted. I have no kids and have been married for 5 years whilst both my SILs have kids. My husband doesn't want to go to his nephew's birthday and already told his mother we couldn't make it. I don't want to spend my birthday with my in laws and would rather just relax or do something enjoyable when I have the chance.

Is this wrong? It's not like the kid will notice and the in laws never appreciate the sacrifices my husband and I make to be available for every holiday/kid event. Help?

tBohemian · May 2015

I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. While the 1st bday is a milestone, I think you can probably bow out of it gracefully, so long as you send a thoughtful gift for the kiddo. You and especially your DH can always say sorry we made plans for my bday already. You could schedule a time sometime before the little one's bday party to personally deliver your gift. You could always go to the party, but state ahead of time that you have to leave early because of plans or reservations you have previously made for your own celebration. Over the years you may sometimes chose to be at this child's milestone bday's like 10, or 15, etc., for the sake of family peace. Congrats on your degree!

Xstatic3333 · May 2015

I agree, I think it is fine to decline and send a gift or celebrate another time. My birthday is on a day that is frequently used for Christmas parties, and I've had to give myself permission to bow out of events for a relaxing birthday with my H many times. Just do it, although I agree that you may want to occasionally celebrate with your nephew when he's older.

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

Congratulations on your degree!

Personally I don't see anything wrong with skipping parties. My husband's birthday is a week before our youngest niece's birthday. My SIL always plans the party on or around DH's birthday. We never go to this party because it's the only weekend we can spend together. On both sides the host can't work around everyone's birthday/anniversary/schedule as you'd never get a date that works for everyone, however, you shouldn't feel guilty because you have a birthday too.

As PP's have said, just keep some time special with your nephew when he's older so he doesn't feel left out, it's hard for kids to understand the dynamics with in-laws and conflicts.

VOR · May 2015

No, it's not wrong. The kid isn't going to care. 1st bday parties are really for the parents.

But if your ILs expect you all to attend all family events and will be upset that you aren't going, you have to understand and accept that you can't control their feelings. You'll have to learn to be o.k. with them being upset at times.

I honestly fully believe that the people out there who really do get upset at stuff like this and make it known they are upset - they do it because they WANT to guilt you into going. Getting upset works for them - they get their way.

So... just be prepared. You and DH need to be a firm, untied front.

jtmh2012 · May 2015

I don't see anywhere in the original post where any in-laws have made a situation out of this. Regrets have already been conveyed. I'd not worry about it until someone complains.

VOR · May 2015

jtmh2012 said:
I don't see anywhere in the original post where any in-laws have made a situation out of this. Regrets have already been conveyed. I'd not worry about it until someone complains.

True. Just the fact that she's asking if it's wrong and says "the in laws never appreciate the sacrifices my husband and I make to be available for every holiday/kid event." makes it sound like there is pushback.

But it could also be the OP overthinking it.

BlueBirdMB · May 2015

A party invitation, like a wedding invitation, is not a summons. You can choose to decline and everyone can just deal with it. I think 1st birthday parties are a little silly anyway because they are for the parents, not the child.

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

BlueBirdMB said:
A party invitation, like a wedding invitation, is not a summons. You can choose to decline and everyone can just deal with it. I think 1st birthday parties are a little silly anyway because they are for the parents, not the child.

I agree you shouldn't be held accountable for attending or not. Unfortunately many families don't understand that a spouse also has a family, job, friends with children which all leads to other commitments. You have to pick your battles, yes your husband can say "sorry we're not coming" but not everyone wants to get crap from their MIL over something as silly as missing a party.

VOR · May 2015

dutchgirl76 said:

BlueBirdMB said:
A party invitation, like a wedding invitation, is not a summons. You can choose to decline and everyone can just deal with it. I think 1st birthday parties are a little silly anyway because they are for the parents, not the child.
I agree you shouldn't be held accountable for attending or not. Unfortunately many families don't understand that a spouse also has a family, job, friends with children which all leads to other commitments. You have to pick your battles, yes your husband can say "sorry we're not coming" but not everyone wants to get crap from their MIL over something as silly as missing a party.

So because families don't "understand", the people in question shouldn't have a say in their own lives and how they use their time? They just have to do along w/ whatever they are told to do?

Xstatic3333 · May 2015

VOR said:

dutchgirl76 said:

BlueBirdMB said:
A party invitation, like a wedding invitation, is not a summons. You can choose to decline and everyone can just deal with it. I think 1st birthday parties are a little silly anyway because they are for the parents, not the child.
I agree you shouldn't be held accountable for attending or not. Unfortunately many families don't understand that a spouse also has a family, job, friends with children which all leads to other commitments. You have to pick your battles, yes your husband can say "sorry we're not coming" but not everyone wants to get crap from their MIL over something as silly as missing a party.

So because families don't "understand", the people in question shouldn't have a say in their own lives and how they use their time? They just have to do along w/ whatever they are told to do?

Agreed. I'll always do my best to make family events when appropriate notice is given, but when it is assumed I'll attend something I can't I always pick that battle (through H of course). Since I set these boundaries it has become less of an issue with my in laws, who aren't the best at understanding that I sometimes work weekends.

dutchgirl76 · May 2015

Xstatic3333 said:

VOR said:

dutchgirl76 said:

BlueBirdMB said:

So because families don't "understand", the people in question shouldn't have a say in their own lives and how they use their time? They just have to do along w/ whatever they are told to do?

Not at all, I never re-arrange my plans around my husband's family events, I'm just saying it's not that simple to say "we're not coming" and have everyone understand. I see a lot of comments on these boards where it seems like you can just make the guilt trips and negative attitudes go away that easy. Not every husband wants to fight with their family either, should they yes? Will they, not always.

My husband took a long, long time to come around to standing up to his family about missing parties or holidays, again he wanted to pick his battles and taking a guilt trip over missing a birthday party wasn't one of them. I wish people would just take the decline and move on, it's not their business why you don't make the party, family or not.

To X's point, if you set strong boundaries eventually the family should get the point on move on.

R.Wilsonny · May 2015

OP, if you guys don't want to go to your nephew's birthday, then don't go, but honestly, you sound a bit dramatic in your post. It's not his fault that he was born on 'your birthday'. Millions of people are born on your birthday - you don't own that day. And just because he's the 4th grand kid doesn't make his first birthday any less special - are they supposed to not do anything or not make a big deal because he's the 4th one? What if it was you and your IL's said that about your kid?

I know you want to spend your birthday doing your own thing and you have every right to, but don't take it out on your nephew. Just tell them you have other plans and leave it at that.

With your attitude, you probably won't be missed anyway.

Erikan73 · May 2015

Congrats on your degree. Your husband gave his mom notice, but should probably also let his sister know directly, that is if it is sister who is hosting party. You just finished a long tiring several years and it's your birthday too. Sounds like you have a supportive husband who understands you would rather just do something quiet with just him and in my opinion he's ok with that else he wouldn't have declined to his mother. You can always still send a card and if you want a gift either via mail or someone else. Or you make plans to stop by at a later date to drop off a gift or even just to visit to see her and her family for some more individual family time.

catsareniice1 · May 2015

You're an adult. Just celebrate your birthday another day. Done. You're making an issue over nothing.

dutchgirl76 · June 2015

catsareniice1 said:

You're an adult. Just celebrate your birthday another day. Done. You're making an issue over nothing.

That was my original point, as adults we can't work our lives around everyone else's schedule. You shouldn't have to move your birthday celebration around a birthday party, just as the host shouldn't arrange the party around one person's birthday. The family shouldn't have hard feelings for her choosing her own birthday over another family party. As all PP's have said, do something nice for the nephew after the party because it's not his fault when his party takes place.

Birthday situation

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