Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need advice on helping mum and dad with their divorce issues?
Hello everybody, I desperately need your help.
My boyfriend just opened up to me about his family issues and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him, your advice would be greatly appreciated.
His mother and father have been divorced for 10 years now, but recently - his father moved back into his mother's house (the house she bought for herself - I'm not sure why, neither is my boyfriend). She doesn't like it, because he verbally abuses her a lot and manipulates her with his words (telling her that she wouldn't be in this country if it wasn't for his visa) and she can't kick him out because she is a very kind lady and doesn't have the power to stand up for herself (and also because what his father says about her being in the country because of his visa rings truth and she can't argue against it) and so she asks her son (my boyfriend) to talk to her father about letting him move out.
She is depressed (wants to move back to her home country) because she is living with his father all the time and my boyfriend really wants to help. But how can he tell his own father to move out? He's getting himself into the middle of such a mess and it hurts to see him get so torn up about it. My boyfriend's afraid that his father won't act rationally when he talks to him about moving out (blow up or worsen the already flimsy relationship the family has).
How can I help my boyfriend? I am by no means an expert in solving complicated family issues - but even advice on what he should do in his current family situation would be good.
When he told me all of this, I hung silent for 2 minutes because what do I say? "Don't worry babe, I will be here for you if you need me" - it sounds so silly and fake - I know he's going through a really difficult time, and I want to help him through my actions, but how?
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much for your time and advice.
My boyfriend just opened up to me about his family issues and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him, your advice would be greatly appreciated.
His mother and father have been divorced for 10 years now, but recently - his father moved back into his mother's house (the house she bought for herself - I'm not sure why, neither is my boyfriend). She doesn't like it, because he verbally abuses her a lot and manipulates her with his words (telling her that she wouldn't be in this country if it wasn't for his visa) and she can't kick him out because she is a very kind lady and doesn't have the power to stand up for herself (and also because what his father says about her being in the country because of his visa rings truth and she can't argue against it) and so she asks her son (my boyfriend) to talk to her father about letting him move out.
She is depressed (wants to move back to her home country) because she is living with his father all the time and my boyfriend really wants to help. But how can he tell his own father to move out? He's getting himself into the middle of such a mess and it hurts to see him get so torn up about it. My boyfriend's afraid that his father won't act rationally when he talks to him about moving out (blow up or worsen the already flimsy relationship the family has).
How can I help my boyfriend? I am by no means an expert in solving complicated family issues - but even advice on what he should do in his current family situation would be good.
When he told me all of this, I hung silent for 2 minutes because what do I say? "Don't worry babe, I will be here for you if you need me" - it sounds so silly and fake - I know he's going through a really difficult time, and I want to help him through my actions, but how?
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much for your time and advice.
Re: Need advice on helping mum and dad with their divorce issues?
Saying "I will be here for you if you need be" to your boyfriend is not silly or fake, as long as you are actually there for him. Being there for him is the best thing you can do. Let him talk, let him cry if he needs, let him vent. Offering some advice can be good sometimes if he really doesn't know what to do, as long as the advice is constructive. I've found that having a somewhat 'outside perspective' on my DH's family's issues has allowed me to offer guidance that he wouldn't have figured out due to being in the thick of it.
In the end, though, you and your boyfriend need to realize that you cannot fix his parent's problems. No matter what you say or do, they will not change if they don't want to. They are adults who can make their own decisions, and they are currently deciding to be in a stalemate.
I would suggest that your boyfriend pull himself out of the middle of their problems, to be honest. If they've been divorced for 10 years and the problems still occur, then when will they end? Your and your boyfriend's sanity will not last that long. For the sake of both of you, he needs to step back and create boundaries.
Family issues are never easy, and you sound like a very supportive and loving significant other. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. Good luck!
I agree with @bridejl, he should not be speaking directly to his father about this. He does not want to put himself in the middle. Unfortunately, this is his mom's problem to solve. Though, I wouldn't blame him for encouraging her to stand up for herself and help her with whatever resources she might need to do that...therapy, maybe even police involvement.
I don't know how recently the father moved in, but here is something else for his mother to consider. The longer the father stays living with her, the harder it will be for her to legally make him leave...if it comes to that. If he pays her anything for rent and/or bills, he is essentially her tenant. Landlord/tenant laws vary greatly by area, but there are horror stores of it taking months...sometimes years...to evict a tenant. NY and CA are the worst for this.
And if he doesn't pay her anything? Believe it or not, that can actually make her situation even worse and even harder for her to get him out. Once he establishes residency in her house, which will probably be defined by a certain period of time, it can become an absolute legal nightmare to get him to leave if he doesn't want to go. In a worst case scenario, she could spend thousands in legal fees.
She just needs to bite the bullet, grow a backbone, and kick the father out. I know that is easier said than done but, time is not on her side. That is so baffling and crazy she let him move in, in the first place. But I know I am preaching to the choir on that.
I'm a bit confused on the visa issue. Is she still...and currently...allowed to be in this country because of his visa? Granted, I know little about immigration law. But I'm not understanding how they could be divorced for 10 years and she is still allowed to be here from his visa.
Or is he referring to a long ago time where she arrived in this country on his visa, but has since been allowed to stay on her own documentation? If this is the scenario, than her response should be, "Yep! Thanks for that. We built a happy family together...at least happy for a time...and have a wonderful son to show for it. Annndddd what does that have to do with GTF out of my house?"