Family Matters
princessroadrunner
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
feeling like an outsider with my son
My son is 3 years old and the last couple of years he has been really attached to his dad, my husband of 9 years. I know that dad is fun and he knows I am too. Whenever it comes down to it he always wants his dad to do everything with him while he verbally puts me down by saying go away and literally pushes me away and emotionally by screaming it at me if I don't do what he wants me to do. I start to wonder how much of a mother I really am when dad does bath, dad does bedtime, dad kisses booboos, in retrospect my husband and my parenting roles have completely reversed. Don't get me wrong when dad isn't around I am "allowed" to be a parent to him without a fight, sometimes there is a fight , we have a lot of fun, fun that dad doesn't do like cooking, finger painting, playing baseball outside, normal things you do with your kids. But when it comes down to the important stuff like eating what I make you, naptime, bathtime bedtime and honestly punishments are so emotionally difficult when he is screaming in my face, kicking, punching, sometimes biting and pulling my hair out of my head. Dad doesn't have half the issues with him that I do. I know he's 3 and everyone tells me it is a phase and he'll come back to me someday. I have faith that he will but I feel like a failure and like I'm being punished by my child for being his mom. I don't know what i have done to make me the least respected parent. I would greatly appreciate any advice or if anyone is dealing with the same issues.
Re: feeling like an outsider with my son
It sounds like your DH is the reward giver in the parenting relationship. I'm not saying you don't also do good/nice things for your son, but for some reason he prefers your husband. While I do think it's normal for kids to align themselves with one parent more than the other (I have 3 kids 5 years old and under), the behavior your son is displaying at this young of an age is not healthy - namely the disrespect and the violence and it's more than preference - being with you versus dad should NOT cause a violent reaction.
The words your son uses and the behaviors are learned. So, my question is, from where/who did he learn them?
Do you work outside the home? If yes, who cares for your son when you and your DH are gone? How much screen time does your son get involving TV, movies, and video games? And, what is the content of the screen time? Do you and your DH have a healthy relationship full of love and respect? If not, what has your son heard/seen in your home?
You don't have to answer these questions to me. But, you can use them to examine your situation. Your child is learning this behavior from someone/somewhere.
Does your son display this behavior in front of his dad, your husband? How does your husband respond to him? I'm curious for an answer on this one.
In my early life as a child in my parents' home I distinctly remember one evening when I was fighting with my mom as a teenager. My dad stepped in and shouted at me, "You will NOT speak to MY WIFE that way." He didn't say, "Your mother." He said, "My wife." And, that distinction was important for me. Seeing my dad defend my mom against my sassy teenager language was developmental for me.
Your DH needs to stand up for you. Not give in to your son. Encourage that your son be with you. "Tonight Mommy is giving you a bath and I will put you to bed." Or, "Tonight mommy is giving you a bath and we both will put you to bed."
He does display these actions in front of dad and dad gets upset and does tell or even raises his voice that he does not treat his mother this way.
The hardest part for me is that this behavior happens quite often. But then there are those days I feel like I'm doing everything right. He tells me he loves me just out of the blue, he's affectionate. Tonight for example I get home after a full shift at work, dad's been home with him all day, he has a huge smile on his face and welcomes me home when I walk through the door and he sits with me at the table while I eat dinner, dad has made, and we draw together and watch and talk about the butterfly (moth )that has gotten into the house that he's so excited to learn about, while dad practices his music. Then when it's bedtime he actually wants me to do it. Emotional Rollercoaster for me I think.
This is all good to know/hear. Well, then consistency may help here and hopefully this is a phase. I still think having your husband make sure activities are joint or that dad insists on you doing things for DS even when DS objects is important.
With daycare, does DS like to go? What are the reports from his caregivers?