Problem with the in-laws

Re: Problem with the in-laws

• BlueBirdMB member

  

  June 2015

  What bothers you the most?  That they treat you like crap?  That they aren't involved in your life enough?  Or that they don't treat your children equally to your niece and nephew?

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• MommyLiberty5013 member

  

  June 2015

  Move to another city....then, POOF, it will all go away.

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• joleri23 member

  

  June 2015

  Unfortunately, these people aren't going to change. I'm sorry that they don't treat your kids like they treat your nieces and nephews, that really blows. The only thing you can do (at least in my opinion) is completely change your expectations of them, distance yourself when possible, and accept this relationship (or lack thereof) for what it is. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one! It may take awhile for you to really accept the relationship and lower your expectations, but once you do, you'll have much greater peace in your life.

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• Erikan73 member

  

  June 2015

  I dated a guy who had a father like this when I was in college. Since you are married, just up & leaving isn't an easy option. You aren't going to be able to ever do anything to change them. Once you go back to work, they will probably critizie you for not being home to spend more time with your kids As your kids get older they will realize the difference in how your in laws treat your versus how your family treats you and realize that they don't like how the in laws treat mommy or them and want less and less to do with them. All you can focus is on raisingy your kids and as long as you and your husband and kids are happy, that is what truly matters. My only advise on how to deal with the in laws is to try to limit interatctions with them and when they do say something negative find a way to "bean dip" them onto another topic "You're but is getting big..." your response, "Can you believe how hot it has been lately"

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• VOR member

  

  June 2015

  First, stop trying with them.  Be civil and polite, of course.  but don't go out of your way to be nice.  Offering to get the SIL in free to the aquarium?  Stop.  These people shit on you.  Stop asking them to keep shitting on you. 
  
  When you are around them, focus on your kids. . Don't pay his family attention.  Honestly, if you stop caring about them and about what they think of you, THAT might actually bother them.  I have a feeling they get a little thrill out of feeling they have a power over you.  Remove that from the equation.
  
  And lastly.  Your DH.  Really- he's a big part of the problem here.  He excuses how they treat you.  He refuses to admit what they do.  I would read HIM the riot act.  You are his wife and the mother of his children.  He's REALLY o.k. w/ his family treating yo ulike this?  And teaching your children that this is an o.k. way for their mother to be treated?  REALLY?  He's o.k. with this???? 
  
  And then ignoring your KIDS???  come on.  You need to read your DH the riot act and you need to make him realize you have a voice here too.
  
  I always say this- why we give "family" a pass on treating us decently is beyond me. Of ANYONE in our lives, we should be expecting family to treat us BETTER than anyone else.  Your DH needs to think long and hard why he actually thinks it's o.k. fo rthem to treat you like this.
  

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  June 2015

  VOR said:

  First, stop trying with them.  Be civil and polite, of course.  but don't go out of your way to be nice.  Offering to get the SIL in free to the aquarium?  Stop.  These people shit on you.  Stop asking them to keep shitting on you. 
  
  When you are around them, focus on your kids. . Don't pay his family attention.  Honestly, if you stop caring about them and about what they think of you, THAT might actually bother them.  I have a feeling they get a little thrill out of feeling they have a power over you.  Remove that from the equation.
  
  And lastly.  Your DH.  Really- he's a big part of the problem here.  He excuses how they treat you.  He refuses to admit what they do.  I would read HIM the riot act.  You are his wife and the mother of his children.  He's REALLY o.k. w/ his family treating yo ulike this?  And teaching your children that this is an o.k. way for their mother to be treated?  REALLY?  He's o.k. with this???? 
  
  And then ignoring your KIDS???  come on.  You need to read your DH the riot act and you need to make him realize you have a voice here too.
  
  I always say this- why we give "family" a pass on treating us decently is beyond me. Of ANYONE in our lives, we should be expecting family to treat us BETTER than anyone else.  Your DH needs to think long and hard why he actually thinks it's o.k. fo rthem to treat you like this.
  

  
  

  ALL OF THIS. 

  
  

  But especially the bolded. 

  
  

  OP, you have to realize that you not only have an IL problem, you also have a very big H problem. 
  
  "My DH says he treats everyone like that and I just have to deal with it"

  Ummm, NO, just NO. You do not have to deal with that. The fact that he even says that - what kind of respect does he have for you, his wife? And you've been putting up with this for how long? 10 Years? Good god, woman - have some respect for yourself to not take this kind of bullshit. Not your H, not your IL's, no one. I would not only read your H the riot act, but I would flat out tell him that if he doesn't say anything to these assholes, that you will. In fact, I would anyway. They say something nasty to you? Tell them to piss off. Then get up and leave. And if they are in your home and they do it, you tell them to leave and to not come back. Fuck that shit. You deserve better and your kids deserve to not see their mother treated like garbage. 
  

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  June 2015

  And btw - you say your MIL disciplines your kids, even when they aren't doing anything wrong? I could maybe, MAYBE, see disciplining if they did something really wrong, but otherwise, I'd be putting a stop to that shit. She might be their grandmother, but still, she IS NOT their mother and has no right to treat them like that. 

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• alexnicole452647 member

  

  June 2015

  Unfortunately I think it is time to stick up for yourself when mean things are said to you and when your mother in law disciplines your kids, you clearly do not have the type of relationship where this would be acceptable. When something mean is said I would just simply say "I am sorry you feel that way" and walk away, they will look like the jerk and hopefully get the hint.  I would also limit your time with them, if they are not treating your children right there is no reason to subject them to that kind of treatment as well.  Slowly become busier and unfortunately your husband will just have to deal because he refuses to stand up for his wife.  Also I would try to lower your expectations of them, it is VERY hard but I have found myself less frustrated in similar situations when I do this. Unfortunately sometimes you cannot change people or make them care but you can change the way you handle them in order to keep your own sanity.  Best of luck, I hope things get better.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  June 2015 edited June 2015

  jrc2009 said:

  I know, another in-law post... But I honestly don't know where else to turn! My husband won't listen, my mom is tired of hearing of it, so hopefully I can get some opinions from you all. My in-laws have hated me since day one.
  
  Your problem is not your ILs.
  
  Your problem is your H.
  
  Why didn't he speak up and tell the offending party where to go when this mess started?
  
  I strongly suggest you tell your H to start immediately to have your back or else you will come in last forever. You are supposed to be first. 
  
  My FIL treats everyone like crap and I won't let him call me a f'ing bi*** or inform me that my butt has gotten fat. My DH says he treats everyone like that and I just have to deal with it...
  
  Which means "My daddy will pick on you and I will allow it."  Get it in gear an d have it out with your H, today.
  
   No I don't! My MIL is no better. She comments on dishes in my sink, a cobweb in the hallway, etc. She will critique my parenting and scold my children in front of me when they're not even doing anything wrong. I stay at home with my boys and she wrote my mom a letter telling her that I am a worthless human and just mooch off of her son. Really?
  
  Your mother should have told your H's mother to shove the hell off. WOW --- what did your mother do???
  
  
   I have to hear about how her daughter is a teacher and works so hard, blah blah blah. I am also an elementary teacher and chose to pursue a career after my kids are in school. How dare I? She works in the same town we live in and she sees our kids maybe once a month. Last time she saw them, she went to their room to play and when I peeked in to check on them she was sitting at the desk paying her bills. She can't do that another time? Yet she took on less hours at work so she can babysit our niece and nephew. We hardly ever see them or my husbands siblings, but when we do they are so rude to me. They choose to be nice when my husband is around then the second he leaves they get in their little clique and I am left out of everything. He doesn't even believe that they are rude to me because they don't act like that in front of him. I told my SIL, who just had a baby, that we have a zoo membership so we can get them in free whenever she wanted to go and she wouldn't even answer me. We just went to a baby shower that they were at and not only did myMIL and SILs ignore me, they completely ignored my kids. You would have never guessed we even knew each other because they wouldn't even say "hi". Ignore me and treat me badly, fine! I have lived with this for ten years. I know they hate me,I have tried to accept it. But my kids? What did they do? They are 3&1! I have asked them several times what I did, my husband has asked them why they don't like me, and they don't have a reason. I am just so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for that family. Every time I leave I just want to scream.
  
   I just can't live with this for the next 30+ years. I know it's all a game for them and I'm so tired of it!
  
  You just can't live with it for the next 30 years???
  
  Play your cards right and that situation will be over and done in 3,0 seconds...
  
  When  you show your H the door. Your marriage will be over and that'll be the end. No more of these pigs, loudmouths and strumpets.
  
  I'm dead serious. Send him home to his mother since he is a child not fit to be a full grown man husband.
  
  There is a vow that goes "forsaking all others." That means your spouse comes first no matter what and your H forsook you above and beyond the call of duty.
  
  Have it out with him today.
  
  You tell him he is to start standing up for you IN THE PRESENCE OF THE OFFENDING PARTY OR PARTIES or he can go the hell home. You can get this sham of a marriage annulled and you'll be free of him and his immature ways.
  
  And for love of all holy:
  
  STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
  
  Tell these rotten people where to go. Have a backbone.
  

  
  

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  June 2015

  This is a disgrace. What kind of a demented entity treats her own grandkids like nobodies???
  
  Might I ask why you tolerate this?
  
  Might I ask why -- you joined in August 2009 -- that you have tolerated this bullshit for 6 rotten years and probably closer to 8 or 10, factoring in when you met your H and these rotten comments and vulgar treatment of you began. WHY are you not speaking up for yourself?
  
  And why is your H not taking a stand???
  
  How old is he? Sounds to me like he is about 10 years old "IRL" --- no grown man tolerates this kind of treatment and for him not to ensure his own mother does not treat his children like gold -- this person is no MAN.
  
  There is a character flaw so large here that it's unreal.
  
  Make sure you get your H to stand up for you and his kids or you haven't got a chance in hell. You are pissed at him now so there is a rift -- that rift will be larger and will grow and one day you will blow sky high and the fall out from that won't be pretty.
  
  If you don't blow sky high, you'll harbor years of resentment for him and you'll be married to the same nothing person. What good is being married to somebody who does not put you first?
  
  Help yourself today.
  
  Get your H squared away or you'll be stuck in this mess for as long as you will allow it.  
  

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• KyraNerys member

  

  July 2015

  Stop going to family gatherings.  Send hubby if he wants to go, but refuse to go yourself and stop taking your kids.  I can't imagine him standing up to you on that.  These folks are the ones with the problem.  I wouldn't give them any more opportunities to hurt you or your children. 

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