Family Matters
NewlywedWi
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family moving in??
Hi! Looking for some advise on family moving in. It's already been decided that my brother in law is moving into my house with his kids after some personal situations pulled the rug out. My husband and I are trying to figure out how to handle going from a couple to having an extra adult and 2 little kids in the house. Generally, he is very respectful of our house but we are still a little nervous. To date, my brother in law hasn't offered to contribute to any household expenses or anything else. I am not sure how to bring this up to them and I know finances are stressful but I don't want to just absorb the cost of 3 extra people in our house (groceries, water bill, electric bill, laundry, dishes, fixing things the kids break...). We just can't afford it and we are newlyweds.
For those of you who have had family move in, how did you handle asking them to contribute to the household? If you didn't outright ask them to contribute, can you share your experiences? Thanks!
Re: Family moving in??
I understand that life is tough and it throws us each/all of us some curve balls from time to time. But the bolded, I'm guessing that something happened with your BIL's wife or the mother of his children. So, you and your husband are probably trying to be helpful, encouraging, and loving toward all three of them. I think that's nice.
However, like you said, BIL hasn't brought up the conversation of expenses.
It's now time for you and your new DH to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. You said, "You know finances are stressful, but you don't want to just absorb the cost of three other people."
That's exactly what you say to BIL.
First lay out all the reasons why you are happy to help out...point out all the benefits...
Then, you need to just be honest. Don't skirt the issue.
4 areas of discussion: 1. Money and financial contributions with deadlines for when he has to give you money. 2. Breakdown of chores and expectations of cleanliness. 3. Kids and Child Care - Will he ask you to baby sit? Where will they play? Where will they store their toys and books? What rooms are off limits to them? 4. Timeline for them moving out.
"Listen, BIL, we are just starting out and money is tight for us. We want to help you and the kiddos out, but we need to discuss the budget for our larger household now that you three are moving in. We would also like to chat about household chores and responsibilities. And, we need to discuss the kids specifically. Lastly, we'd like to discuss what we can do to assist you in finding a great place of your own for you and the kiddos within the next # of months."
I would let him know that he doesn't just have an open-ended invite to crash at your place. Give him a polite, but firm deadline...3 months, 4 months, 6 months, you decide.
Regarding chores and household expectations...just lay it all out...bathrooms, laundry, kitchen, dishes, taking out trash, mowing lawn, etc..
Ask him, "With your work schedule, what chores can you do on a weekly basis to chip in?"
Tell him ahead of time which rooms the little kids are not permitted in (your bed room and bathroom?). Where shall he keep their toys so you aren't tripping all over them? Should he expect to treat you as baby sitters too?
DH and our 2 LOs moved in with my ILs in the spring of 2012. We lived there for 2 months before we bought our current house. We laid it all out ahead of time. We discussed laundry, cleaning, meals, shopping for food, where we would park our cars, etc..
The best policy is to just be polite, yet honest. BIL is no longer a guest in your home. He is now a roommate and he needs to function like one.
I will say that if BIL has trouble holding down a job and/or addictive tendencies and/or tends to be bad with money, you MAY wish to strongly reconsider taking him in at all.
@MommyLiberty5013's advice is SPOT ON!!! It is not free for him to stay there with his kids. You also need to know his move out plan.
It's more than nice for you all to take him in, in his time of need. But this needs to be a temporary Band-Aid to get over the rough spot and you need to make sure he understands that. You and your H are newlyweds with your own lives to get started. Do not let your BIL's problems become your problems.
You and your H should discuss these issues, amongst yourselves, ahead of time and then make a united front in speaking to BIL. The discussion should be spearheaded by your H, since it is his brother.
I'm assuming there are financial issues on BIL's part. If he needs to work a full-time job plus a part-time job to support himself and his children and start saving for a place of their own, than that is what he needs to do. Does he need help budgeting? Help get him on a budget or, if that is not something you or your H are good at, there are lots of great books on the subject.
I haven't went through it personally but my SIL did. They had family move in with them in a two bedroom house with no rules, and no discussion before hand. 6 months turned into 3 years and a lot of fights between family. The biggest discussion is finances to be contributed, and set a date that you expect them to be moved out. It is very easy to slip into a comfortable pattern and stay because of convience.
I agree that it's not too late to sit down and have a conversation about expenses, rules, boundries & chores. And something to consider, if he were to do more of the regular chores like cleaning the home, mowing the lawn, or other things that would free your time up to do more fun things with your husband, would you be willing to give up those chorse in exchange for not receiving payment. That is if you can swing it financially.
I TOTALLY agree about a time frame, we did that with a roommate who was only suppose to be with us for 6 months. He moved out last week after 39 months. My husband and I finally get to live alone as newlyweds.
I agree. Sit down and name a price per month he can easily afford. That's going to have to be between you and your H first --- you and H discuss it privately first.
Make sure the room and board is discussed and then paid for by your BIL --- or you'll have a heck of a mess on your hands and also a rift, be it between you and your H, you and bro or between you and H and bro in law. Good luck.
PS: a time frame for him to be out --- I don't know his circumstances; it is going to have to depend on that (maybe he's out of work or he's gone through a divorce and he needs somewhere to live due to financial circumsstances, etc.)