Relationships
JulienC
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband and I drifting apart
My husband was in the military when we met, got out and lived with his parents for a year, and then moved in with me where I was stationed (I was in the military too). We're married now with a 10 year old child and he's been back in the Army for 9 years while I am no longer in. He is close to his family and I am not close with either my family or his. Lately, I've been getting pretty upset when he talks about wanting to go spend time with his family during his vacation time. I guess I wouldn't have an issue with going up there if we didn't have to stay at his parents house. He thinks that I enjoy spending all my time, as much as 7 days or more, with his family. The problem is I don't. I feel very uncomfortable there. The last time we were there his step-mom pretty much told me off about how I felt about my family. I admit I confided my feelings to the wrong person and it's my fault I brought it up to her and never should have. The exchange we had made me feel similar to the saying "don't beat a person while they are already down." I was feeling bad about all the negativity that surrounds me and my family and I mentioned that I didn't agree with my sister keeping secrets from me and it upset me when she refused to ask a family member to meet at my parents while I visited. My mother in law seemed annoyed at me and told me she didn't blame my sister that she'd have done the same thing. That's not what upset me though. For one, my husband sat there the entire time and didn't seem bothered by the tone she was using towards me. I think she thinks that I am wrong for feeling the way I do towards my family and that I am the one starting trouble. She friended my sister on facebook so she's seen a few exchanges between the two of us. However, there's a lot she doesn't know and hasn't seen or haven't mentioned to her. She doesn't see my sister speak to me negatively and she's never there when she makes comments that make me feel like crap. While she was telling me I should love my family, I was thinking how unloving and uncaring they are towards me. I wish she knew my reaction that she's seen on facebook or heard from me about my sister and family has a lot to do how they treat me. I sat there nearly in tears and had no words to say because I didn't want her to see me break down. I held back my tears as well as my tongue because I wasn't going to disrespect her in her own home. But I was mad and since then I really don't care to be in her home because I have a tendency to speak about how my family makes me feel and I'd rather just not give her the chance to snap at me again.
I allow myself to spend 1 day with my side of the family because we're not close so there's no need to drag it out. In the past when we've visited my husband's family we'd spend a few days there , a day with mine, and then drive back home. For 3 years we were in Germany and we didn't go home at all during that time. One because it would have been very expensive and we wanted to use the money we've saved to take the opportunity to travel through Europe while we were stationed there and two, because my husband had a very busy schedule filled with deployments and training. So we visited his family in February 2015 for 7 days and mine for 1 day. Then we headed down to our next duty station. His leave is coming up and since we're stationed in GA I thought it'd be fun to take a vacation to maybe Florida. He had already made plans to visit his family but I told him I didn't want to spend my birthday with his family. So he changed his leave so that we'd spend a few days in FL around my birthday and then he wanted to spend the rest of his leave with his family in WI. I told him ok, but that I didn't want to spend the entire 10 days at his parents. I just can't handle being around them that long. I've always been a loner and prefer to be by myself but have forced myself to be around his family during vacations. But now that we are getting older I just prefer to live my life privately and not please others to make them happy. I suggested he go up there by himself with our son. However, I prefer he not drive since it would be two full days of driving one way. I am not keen on him driving there and back within a 10 day period alone (I'm a mother so of course I'm worried about an accident or something). If I was coming along then there's an extra person to help with the driving.
My husband knows that I am also looking for employment and if I'm going to be returning to work I need to be available for an interview. So that's another reason why I'm reluctant to go otherwise I'd probably suck it up and go. However, I still can't help feeling angry because it seems like he'd rather spend all his vacation with his family. I realize he's in the military and he misses his family because he doesn't get to see them much. But I don't get to see my family much either and when I do I spend much less time with them than he does with his family. When I get a job I'd like to vacation in Florida not go straight to family each time I have off. Also, his step-mom I feel puts pressure on my husband to call his dad whenever he's feeling depressed and expects him to make all the effort to come visit him. He is in a wheel chair and wears a urinary catheter so I imagine it's hard to travel like that which is possibly why they don't come down by us. I don't expect them to and have never asked. His sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and her life expectancy isn't known. So, I can sympathize why he needs to see his family. However, his sister's availability is always up in the air because she can never say for sure when family can come see her. It's always been this way even before she became ill. She'll make excuses as to why people can't come visit her or will say one of her kids is sick. Now she lives with her in-laws and so she'll often not give anyone a definitive answer to when they can come see her but when they do it's for no more than a day. She lives two hours from my husband's parents and she doesn't see her dad anymore than we do which is strange since we've been in Germany for 3 years and lives way closer than we do. Their biological mother hasn't visited her at all which is even stranger to me since her daughter has cancer and she only lives 2 hours away. I guess you can say his family is not really that close but much closer than mine. It seems like he is trying to make up for lost time with them. I understand that. On the other hand, he did move back home with his dad when he left the Army and was living with him. That's about as close to them as he could have possibly gotten when he was actually living there. Then the step-mother started complaining that my husband was becoming a problem with staying there since he was having a hard time finding a job. I assume it's why he moved in with me even though I was stationed several states away. About 2 years after we married he went back into the Army. When you get married and join the Army aren't you sort of making a commitment to your spouse and the military? They are your priority. And for the most part he has but I've always felt that he prefers to spend his free time with his family than me and my son. He thinks everything is fabulous when the 3 of us are with his family. At one time I was ok with this when I was closer to my family and his. It's a little upsetting that my husband's step-mom thinks my husband has to play hero and should come home and visit his dad because he's depressed. When my husband was young his father didn't spend all that much time with him because his parents divorced and was also on disability so he didn't contribute financially. Now get this. The step-mom expects everyone to stay hush hush about my husband deploying and becomes angry when anyone speaks about it when husband's dad is present. One time, his dad directly asked me if my husband was deploying ( he must of had a feeling he was) and I had to tell him I didn't know for fear of husband's step mom yelling at me. It makes me feel like shit that I have to lie to my father-in-laws face to make his wife happy since she thinks he can't handle hearing bad news. I think that in reality she can't handle him when he knows his son is deployed so she asks everyone to lie to make life easier on her. Now if husband got killed how would my father-in-law view me as a person if he realized I lied to him. My husband should be able to tell his dad that he's deploying whenever he wants.
I do feel that a lot of this has to do with me and my ill feelings towards family. But I also feel like now that I'm older my mind is changing and like I said I don't want to spend all my vacation time pleasing others. We got to travel Europe during the 3 years when we were in Germany. However, my husband was miserable there and hated nearly every country we visited. His mood really did spoil my happiness while there. He also drank more than usual and one night got so drunk and threatened me in front of our son and called me some pretty nasty names. He thinks because he can't remember his actions that night that he didn't do anything wrong. I don't think I've let that go yet even though it happened 1 1/2 years ago. People think he's a nice guy and everything but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I've never brought up this incident to his parents. I guess it's another reason why it sickens me he can be so happy to see family yet when it's me and him he seems miserable. We should have enjoyed Germany a lot better than we did. Now that we're back in the states he has two weeks of vacation in the summer and two weeks around Christmas with the possibility of putting in a pass on any weekend. I get he needs to see them. But we spent a lot of money going to see them in February since the military was only willing to fly us to GA but we decided to spend the money to get to WI and then rented several vehicles to get to his parents house . We then rented another vehicle and drove down to GA. It was very expensive. Here we are 5 months later and he's going to see them. It won't be cheap. Then in December he expects to see them. I am willing to stay back to save money. It doesn't seem like he is willing to compromise and if he doesn't end up seeing them when he wants he's going to blame me. Should I just stay back if I don't want to go? I figure I can see my family when I want which isn't as much time as what my husband needs with his family. I can put it off until next year. I know I'm not as desperate to make up for lost time with my family but also this is the lifestyle that we chose and we have to live with that decision. If family was such of importance to my husband I feel he should have never re-entered the military. Maybe I just came here to vent. Perhaps I came here to be ripped apart. Or maybe for someone to tell me the truth (like he and I should go our own separate way since we seem to want different things). I don't know. Feel free to comment.
Re: Husband and I drifting apart
What we did as a compromise when visiting family once is we would spend one day with the family doing things with them. Then the next day we took off for a day trip to go sight seeing in a nearby area. Then the another family day & then another vacation day. Maybe this would be an option for you? You would get to see some new things in that area & get a break from them, even if it's just a couple of hours. And like PP maybe look into getting your own place to stay so you can have it feel more like a vacation instead of a family visit.
I don't think you and him are drifting apart as much based on what you say. I think you need to vocalize your feelings to him and figure out a compromise. His family is important to him, and you have to realize, they are part of his package. You need to communicate to him that when he sat there & said nothing how it made you feel. Don't give up on your marriage yet.
Considering how much vacation time he gets, he really should be compromising with you more. I would think 7-10 days per year is more than enough time. And maybe he could add in flying up (just him) for a couple long weekends.
But, I also have to admit, that people are different. I love my immediate family and get along with them great, but they live halfway across the country from me. I'd be thrilled to see them once a year, but don't feel a need to see them more often than that. In fact, sometimes two years go by and I don't see them. It's a bummer, but not enough of a bummer that I am willing to forego other vacations I want to go on and/or spend money other ways.
And I definitely think a stay in a hotel instead of their house is an easy compromise for him to make. I'm sure a trip would be much more palatable to you, knowing you have your hotel room to "retreat" back to at the end of the day. Otherwise, it does sound pretty hellish to stay for 7+ days in a house belonging to people you don't feel comfortable with.