Family Matters
MrSoAndSo
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Am I being unreasonable?
Alrighty... new here... but I need advice, or at least a neutral point of view because I'm trtying to see the other side, but I think I'm not being unreasonable... but maybe I am, and if I am, I want to know it so I can change.
So here's the issue, my wife and I have been married about 3 and a half years. This is my wife's second marriage, she's 39, her first marriage was a train wreck and she was emotionally and psychologically abused during it. This is my first marriage, I'm 46.
I grew up in a tight family unit. I have two sisters, one of which I am very close to and her husband and their 5, now grown, kids (youngest just graduated). I would considered them my best friends. I view their kids basically as my kids. I had a large impact on them as they grew up. They all moved 600 miles away about 8 years ago.
My wife grew up in a train wreck. She was abused. No father after a couple of years and then an even worse step-father until about 8 or 9. Mother basically left her and her sister to fend for themselves at 14. She does a relationship with her mother today, she lives in the same town and we see them (her and her new good husband) every few weeks.
My wife gets bored EXTREMELY quickly with things that don't bore me. For instance, sitting around and talking, or playing a game.
Before we were married I would be out with friends several times a week (3-5 evenings a week). When I say "out", I mean to their houses, eating, sitting and talking or playing a game or watching a movie or something. I understand I was single so obviously I could do what I wanted then. Now I'm married, so that's over. I mean OVER. I've given it up because she doesn't like it and is not that interested in my friends either. So we are together for a 1hr meal on Friday evening and a 1hr lunch on Sunday afternoon. I could count on one hand the amount of times we've been over to their homes since we were married. And it's ok, I understand my wife does not enjoy it, so we don't do it and I don't bring it up. My wife is home-body, she likes spending time with me at home. I do too! I love my wife greatly and have a GREAT time with her. We spend every single day together! Just last month I had to fly to another city for business and it was the first night we had spent apart since we were married. That's not a complaint! I say it with pride! Like I said I love my wife and love spending time with her!
We see my sister and her family 2 to 3 times a year. Usually about 5 days around Christmas or New Years and then sometime in the summer maybe to camp for a long weekend somewhere in between our two towns. There may also be an occasional other "visit" during the year for a grad or marriage. Those times are normally a... drive there, do the thing, drive home... spend around 24-48 hours with them.
My wife gets along great with my family, she loves my family. But she always makes me feel quilty for wanting to spend "so much time" with them. I retort that "it's like 2 to 3 times a year, where's this 'so much time' ?? ". When I was single I would try to see them every couple of months, (eg. Easter, Thanksgiving, a long weekend here and there) but I understand I'm married now and that amount has to be curtailed, so I have. I just do not understand why my wife can not just "give me" these times with out constantly reminding me "we spend so much time, I want to do what I want to do too". It hurts me deeply to hear it and not get credited for giving up what I've given up.
In the last week we have had two very large blow ups over this issue. Mainly because my mom mentioned about not planning anything for the long weekend in May 2016. It's their 50th anniversary and they want to take everyone to a resort/camp thing. My wife is having a very hard time with it, but I don't see the big deal. It's a couple of days out of the year, it's their 50th, my dad has Parkinsons and Diabetes and probably doesn't have a long time left. I know it's not the kind of thing my wife will enjoy neccesarily but I feel like I "owe" it to my parents and it's a year from now and 3 days.. big whoop.
Am I being unreasonable with the amount of time we spend with my family? Because I just can't wrap my head around the thought that I am being unreasonable. I don't think a 2 -3 times a year is too much to ask for.
Or is it?
So here's the issue, my wife and I have been married about 3 and a half years. This is my wife's second marriage, she's 39, her first marriage was a train wreck and she was emotionally and psychologically abused during it. This is my first marriage, I'm 46.
I grew up in a tight family unit. I have two sisters, one of which I am very close to and her husband and their 5, now grown, kids (youngest just graduated). I would considered them my best friends. I view their kids basically as my kids. I had a large impact on them as they grew up. They all moved 600 miles away about 8 years ago.
My wife grew up in a train wreck. She was abused. No father after a couple of years and then an even worse step-father until about 8 or 9. Mother basically left her and her sister to fend for themselves at 14. She does a relationship with her mother today, she lives in the same town and we see them (her and her new good husband) every few weeks.
My wife gets bored EXTREMELY quickly with things that don't bore me. For instance, sitting around and talking, or playing a game.
Before we were married I would be out with friends several times a week (3-5 evenings a week). When I say "out", I mean to their houses, eating, sitting and talking or playing a game or watching a movie or something. I understand I was single so obviously I could do what I wanted then. Now I'm married, so that's over. I mean OVER. I've given it up because she doesn't like it and is not that interested in my friends either. So we are together for a 1hr meal on Friday evening and a 1hr lunch on Sunday afternoon. I could count on one hand the amount of times we've been over to their homes since we were married. And it's ok, I understand my wife does not enjoy it, so we don't do it and I don't bring it up. My wife is home-body, she likes spending time with me at home. I do too! I love my wife greatly and have a GREAT time with her. We spend every single day together! Just last month I had to fly to another city for business and it was the first night we had spent apart since we were married. That's not a complaint! I say it with pride! Like I said I love my wife and love spending time with her!
We see my sister and her family 2 to 3 times a year. Usually about 5 days around Christmas or New Years and then sometime in the summer maybe to camp for a long weekend somewhere in between our two towns. There may also be an occasional other "visit" during the year for a grad or marriage. Those times are normally a... drive there, do the thing, drive home... spend around 24-48 hours with them.
My wife gets along great with my family, she loves my family. But she always makes me feel quilty for wanting to spend "so much time" with them. I retort that "it's like 2 to 3 times a year, where's this 'so much time' ?? ". When I was single I would try to see them every couple of months, (eg. Easter, Thanksgiving, a long weekend here and there) but I understand I'm married now and that amount has to be curtailed, so I have. I just do not understand why my wife can not just "give me" these times with out constantly reminding me "we spend so much time, I want to do what I want to do too". It hurts me deeply to hear it and not get credited for giving up what I've given up.
In the last week we have had two very large blow ups over this issue. Mainly because my mom mentioned about not planning anything for the long weekend in May 2016. It's their 50th anniversary and they want to take everyone to a resort/camp thing. My wife is having a very hard time with it, but I don't see the big deal. It's a couple of days out of the year, it's their 50th, my dad has Parkinsons and Diabetes and probably doesn't have a long time left. I know it's not the kind of thing my wife will enjoy neccesarily but I feel like I "owe" it to my parents and it's a year from now and 3 days.. big whoop.
Am I being unreasonable with the amount of time we spend with my family? Because I just can't wrap my head around the thought that I am being unreasonable. I don't think a 2 -3 times a year is too much to ask for.
Or is it?
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
My wife gets bored EXTREMELY quickly with things that don't bore me. For instance, sitting around and talking, or playing a game.
And this is horrible: you have to give up something she does not like???
This already doesnt bode well for your relationship.
I vote you continue playing a board game and spendind time with your friends doing what you like to do! We all need friends and we all need a release from every day life. Your wife is way in the wrong -- and I can only imagine what it is she likes to do in her spare time.:(
Way in teh wrong, like I said:
I just do not understand why my wife can not just "give me" these times with out constantly reminding me "we spend so much time, I want to do what I want to do too". It hurts me deeply to hear it and not get credited for giving up what I've given up.
I think you and the wife should sit down and discuss this matter.
And if she is still pissy about it, maybe you need to rethink her and the entire marriage.
What you are asking for is not a lot. She's way in the wrong, like I said.
With the family thing I'm torn, do you do things she wants on vacation or do you just use vacations to visit family? My husbands family like to drink a lot, they like to do things I hate, plus they are difficult en masse. We have a deal, I spend time with them maybe 2 times a year but then we do our own thing twice a year. This makes it tolerable for me and like your wife I get in with my in laws.
The parents 50th anniversary she just needs to suck it up
No we didn't spend time 3-5 evenings a week with my friends before we got married, but she knew me for a few years before we got together and she knew I was like that. I'm fine with the week to week, etc, it's just the minimizing of the family time throughout the year that I struggle with.
We don't drink. I've owned my own business for almost 20 years so I try to take a major vacation every two years. We've been to Seattle, Vienna, London, Cornwall, Rome, the Amalfi Coast, etc, etc. We try to go camping ourselves a couple weekends during the summer, we both really enjoy that.
It IS a long drive to the my sister's that's one problem... 11 hours one direction. She's not a fan of that. Also, that my parent's are just "planning" this long weekend next year without kind of asking us if it works for us has her not happy (we were planning a trip to Mexico right during that time, AFTER the actual date of their 50th anniversary).
I should have also mentioned she has two sons from the previous marriage who live with their father by choice (they are free to do drugs there, but we do not allow) who are very bad to her, like very verbally abusive. She rarely sees them, not my fault, but it hurts her greatly and she feels like an absentee mother, which she isn't, it's just that they kids are so ignorant to her (vile putrid things said to her) it's hard to get them to come here to see her and when it's not going good between them I don't want to take her to see them because it will just be 100% unproductive and extremely hurtful to her. So she is very hurt she never gets to see her "family", but my sister's family is basically "perfect"... but that's not my fault... so just because her's is not good doesn't mean I should have to keep cutting my time with my family back.
To me, the 50th is a whole flippin year away, who cares? I know she says "of course we're going to go" but I don't think she needs to constantly add the "but I'm not going to like it" to it everytime. She feels its one thing after another, grad, marriage, 50th, marriage, family reunion, etc. but in reality, it's 2 -3 times a year... maybe 4 on a heavy year.
Do your family ever come to visit you?
Just curious. It sounds like she accompanies you to everything. Have you thought about visiting your friends without her? Let her have the evening to herself to do whatever interests her.
Bring her to the big family events, but like the other poster above mentioned get a hotel if you're not already, but then go by yourself for the lesser events.
It also sounds like due to her troubled past that she just doesn't get the need to family time as it was probably something she tried to avoid.
you seem to respect her introversion and that she's a home body. That's great. But she needs to respect your extroversion and your need to see family.... AND friends. I actually think it's weird that you spend hardly ANY time w/ your friends anymore. Yes, 3-5 times a week is probably a bit much. But once a week, or every other week??
it's a two way street. And back to family, I really feel that it's unfair of her to try and restrict your time w/ them. You don't see them a lot. if this were a "we always spend all day Sunday with them", I'd be saying something different. But 2 or 3 times a year?
Again- respect goes both ways.
Everyone here is making a big deal about the anniversary party saying that the in-laws were wrong for setting the date of the party without consulting everyone else. when it comes to scheduling a party you can't set the date around when it's convenient for everyone, especially an anniversary or birthday. It will never be convenient for everyone attending. Their anniversary is a certain date and that's when they should have it, if everyone can come good if they can't then too bad.
They are giving people a year's notice and that is nice enough of them and they are being very considerate with this action.
In terms of your wife, I think she's being selfish and has a lot of insecurities. She probably get's jealous of your relationship with your family and feels that you don't love her as much as you love them. Just make sure that when you visit your family with her you are extra attentive to her and make her feel a part of the family and not an outsider sitting there watching you interact with your family.
I've already partially handled the whole "50th" thing. I've talked with my parents, asked them if we could plan it with my sisters so it works with our schedules as well. I'm the brother, and the middle child, so I'm the one tasked with making the peace and making sure everything works out for everyone
The getting together with friends thing is what it is now as well. Like I said we get together for dinner on Friday evening usually, 1-1.5 hours and usually Sunday brunch for and hour or so as well. I'm fine with our daily life, I'm happy, she's happy. I've adjusted, she's adjusted. I just made mention of it (and made mention to her about it) because I had felt that I had compromised enough about all this kind of stuff.
As to the comments about calling my wife's family a "train wreck", I get that language from my wife
As I also said, my family ADORES my wife. Are you kidding? She rescued their uncle/brother/son from a life of abject singleness
I truly think my wife needs to learn over time that I've really compromised a lot in this vein and that we've kind of hit a wall where I can't really give any more on this specific issue. I'm pretty sure she knows that, or at least its becoming clearer. We've basically worked it all out for this time and hopefully in the future it will be a smoother ride.
I am a homebody and would be completely happy if I never had to socialize again. However, I know that's not quite normal, so I force myself to participate in these things, muscle through 'em, and just understand that my entire life is a struggle to get back to my good book, or my video game, or my jigsaw puzzle, or my gardening. My husband sort of likes socializing, depends on the people, but it sounds like you may be much more of a social butterfly than he is.
Anyway, my husband and I solved this by coming to an agreement about "dividing and conquering." I send him off to his family gatherings without me every once in a while, and I allow him to skip some of mine. He plays golf with his friends once a week and my presence is not required.
I'm not sure if social people really appreciate the "sacrifices" we non-social people make for them every day. I'm not saying that you aren't making sacrifices, but your wife is probably making them a lot more quietly, albeit at the same level.
Nothing says that when you get married you have to spend all your time together. Splitting up every once in a while gives you something to talk about when you spend time together. That's what I've found.