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Am I being unreasonable?

Alrighty... new here... but I need advice, or at least a neutral point of view because I'm trtying to see the other side, but I think I'm not being unreasonable... but maybe I am, and if I am, I want to know it so I can change.

So here's the issue, my wife and I have been married about 3 and a half years. This is my wife's second marriage, she's 39, her first marriage was a train wreck and she was emotionally and psychologically abused during it. This is my first marriage, I'm 46.

I grew up in a tight family unit. I have two sisters, one of which I am very close to and her husband and their 5, now grown, kids (youngest just graduated). I would considered them my best friends. I view their kids basically as my kids. I had a large impact on them as they grew up. They all moved 600 miles away about 8 years ago.

My wife grew up in a train wreck. She was abused. No father after a couple of years and then an even worse step-father until about 8 or 9. Mother basically left her and her sister to fend for themselves at 14. She does a relationship with her mother today, she lives in the same town and we see them (her and her new good husband) every few weeks.

My wife gets bored EXTREMELY quickly with things that don't bore me. For instance, sitting around and talking, or playing a game.

Before we were married I would be out with friends several times a week (3-5 evenings a week). When I say "out", I mean to their houses, eating, sitting and talking or playing a game or watching a movie or something. I understand I was single so obviously I could do what I wanted then. Now I'm married, so that's over. I mean OVER. I've given it up because she doesn't like it and is not that interested in my friends either. So we are together for a 1hr meal on Friday evening and a 1hr lunch on Sunday afternoon. I could count on one hand the amount of times we've been over to their homes since we were married. And it's ok, I understand my wife does not enjoy it, so we don't do it and I don't bring it up. My wife is home-body, she likes spending time with me at home. I do too! I love my wife greatly and have a GREAT time with her. We spend every single day together! Just last month I had to fly to another city for business and it was the first night we had spent apart since we were married. That's not a complaint! I say it with pride! Like I said I love my wife and love spending time with her!

We see my sister and her family 2 to 3 times a year. Usually about 5 days around Christmas or New Years and then sometime in the summer maybe to camp for a long weekend somewhere in between our two towns. There may also be an occasional other "visit" during the year for a grad or marriage. Those times are normally a... drive there, do the thing, drive home... spend around 24-48 hours with them.

My wife gets along great with my family, she loves my family. But she always makes me feel quilty for wanting to spend "so much time" with them. I retort that "it's like 2 to 3 times a year, where's this 'so much time' ?? ". When I was single I would try to see them every couple of months, (eg. Easter, Thanksgiving, a long weekend here and there) but I understand I'm married now and that amount has to be curtailed, so I have. I just do not understand why my wife can not just "give me" these times with out constantly reminding me "we spend so much time, I want to do what I want to do too". It hurts me deeply to hear it and not get credited for giving up what I've given up.

In the last week we have had two very large blow ups over this issue. Mainly because my mom mentioned about not planning anything for the long weekend in May 2016. It's their 50th anniversary and they want to take everyone to a resort/camp thing. My wife is having a very hard time with it, but I don't see the big deal. It's a couple of days out of the year, it's their 50th, my dad has Parkinsons and Diabetes and probably doesn't have a long time left. I know it's not the kind of thing my wife will enjoy neccesarily but I feel like I "owe" it to my parents and it's a year from now and 3 days.. big whoop.

Am I being unreasonable with the amount of time we spend with my family? Because I just can't wrap my head around the thought that I am being unreasonable. I don't think a 2 -3 times a year is too much to ask for.

Or is it?





Re: Am I being unreasonable?

  • My goodness: what do you adn she have in common at all???

    My wife gets bored EXTREMELY quickly with things that don't bore me. For instance, sitting around and talking, or playing a game.

    And this is horrible: you have to give up something she does not like???

    This already doesnt bode well for your relationship.

    I vote you continue playing a board game and spendind time with your friends doing what you like to do! We all need friends and we all need a release from every day life. Your wife is way in the wrong -- and I can only imagine what it is she likes to do in her spare time.:(

    Way in teh wrong, like I said:

    I just do not understand why my wife can not just "give me" these times with out constantly reminding me "we spend so much time, I want to do what I want to do too". It hurts me deeply to hear it and not get credited for giving up what I've given up.

    I think you and the wife should sit down and discuss this matter.

    And if she is still pissy about it, maybe you need to rethink her and the entire marriage.

    What you are asking for is not a lot. She's way in the wrong, like I said.
  • What did you and your wife do for fun before you got married? Did you both spend 3-5 evenings a week with your friends?

    With the family thing I'm torn, do you do things she wants on vacation or do you just use vacations to visit family? My husbands family like to drink a lot, they like to do things I hate, plus they are difficult en masse. We have a deal, I spend time with them maybe 2 times a year but then we do our own thing twice a year. This makes it tolerable for me and like your wife I get in with my in laws.

    The parents 50th anniversary she just needs to suck it up
  • MrSoAndSoMrSoAndSo member
    First Comment
    edited June 2015
    We have lots in common, she's just not the "social butterfly" that I am. She's more introverted and I am more extroverted. We get along great together... we laugh, we're crazy together, we watch movies, work in the yard, we love music, have weekends away to the city when we can etc. Don't get this wrong, my wife dotes on me as well, she is so loving, she is a wonderful wife who i trust implicitly and basically worships the ground I walk on. Except for this issue :)

    No we didn't spend time 3-5 evenings a week with my friends before we got married, but she knew me for a few years before we got together and she knew I was like that. I'm fine with the week to week, etc, it's just the minimizing of the family time throughout the year that I struggle with.

    We don't drink. I've owned my own business for almost 20 years so I try to take a major vacation every two years. We've been to Seattle, Vienna, London, Cornwall, Rome, the Amalfi Coast, etc, etc. We try to go camping ourselves a couple weekends during the summer, we both really enjoy that.

    It IS a long drive to the my sister's that's one problem... 11 hours one direction. She's not a fan of that. Also, that my parent's are just "planning" this long weekend next year without kind of asking us if it works for us has her not happy (we were planning a trip to Mexico right during that time, AFTER the actual date of their 50th anniversary).

    I should have also mentioned she has two sons from the previous marriage who live with their father by choice (they are free to do drugs there, but we do not allow) who are very bad to her, like very verbally abusive. She rarely sees them, not my fault, but it hurts her greatly and she feels like an absentee mother, which she isn't, it's just that they kids are so ignorant to her (vile putrid things said to her) it's hard to get them to come here to see her and when it's not going good between them I don't want to take her to see them because it will just be 100% unproductive and extremely hurtful to her. So she is very hurt she never gets to see her "family", but my sister's family is basically "perfect"... but that's not my fault... so just because her's is not good doesn't mean I should have to keep cutting my time with my family back.

    To me, the 50th is a whole flippin year away, who cares? I know she says "of course we're going to go" but I don't think she needs to constantly add the "but I'm not going to like it" to it everytime. She feels its one thing after another, grad, marriage, 50th, marriage, family reunion, etc. but in reality, it's 2 -3 times a year... maybe 4 on a heavy year.
  • Two things jump out from your reply, the 11 hour drive would be a deal breaker for me, I would dread it months in advance, why on earth don't y'all fly? Also, although I still think she needs to suck it up, your mom has no right to plan anything without consulting you first.
    Do your family ever come to visit you?
  • No you are not being unreasonable, but I do have a few questions.

    Does your family try to involve her in the conversations and ask her about her life / interests or do all the conversations focus on the good ole days ?

    Do you stay with family when you visit or do you stay in a hotel ?  If she has social anxiety disorder, then being " on " all the time can be absolutely exhausting for her.  That is why I would stay at a hotel so she can have a space to call her own and where she can feel like she can relax.

    Like PP has mentioned, does your family come out to visit you ?  I say this as my ILs have only come out to visit us twice in the 14 years my husband has lived here.  Once for our wedding and again for our daughter's funeral.  They didn't even meet our son until he was 2.5 years old.  I'm just saying it gets very old having the burden of doing all of the traveling placed on your shoulders.  Especially when you think about what else you could have done with that travel budget.  

    This is my advice to you.  Remind her how much this means to you when you visit your family but stay at a hotel when you visit them so your wife can have some downtime.  Don't spend the entire time at people's home. Make a point to have time alone just the two of you to see local sights / attractions or going to your favorite restaurants.  Lastly, talk to someone you trust and ask if they wouldn't mind going out of their way to make your wife feel more comfortable by talking to her about topics that are of interest to her.  
  • Just curious.  It sounds like she accompanies you to everything.  Have you thought about visiting your friends without her?  Let her have the evening to herself to do whatever interests her.

    Bring her to the big family events, but like the other poster above mentioned get a hotel if you're not already, but then go by yourself for the lesser events.

    It also sounds like due to her troubled past that she just doesn't get the need to family time as it was probably something she tried to avoid.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I want to ditto everything Disney said.  But also to what jtmh brought up - if this is all too much for her, talk to her about you going on your own sometimes.  not every time and not at the loss of vacation time for the two of you, but if you can go and it not affect your times together... see if she'd be o.k. with that.

    you seem to respect her introversion and that she's a home body.  That's great.  But she needs to respect your extroversion and your need to see family.... AND friends.  I actually think it's weird that you spend hardly ANY time w/ your friends anymore.  Yes, 3-5 times a week is probably a bit much.  But once a week, or every other week?? 

    it's a two way street.  And back to family, I really feel that it's unfair of her to try and restrict your time w/ them.  You don't see them a lot.  if this were a "we always spend all day Sunday with them", I'd be saying something different.  But 2 or 3 times a year? 

    Again- respect goes both ways.
  • There's not much more to add but let me say this.

    1. Please, for the love of all things STOP saying "her family is a train wreck", it's not your fault what environment she grew up in but it has a HUGE impact on why she's so anti-family and introverted. I hope you don't make the train wreck comment to her face, even though it's not her fault either it really hurts. Keep in mind seeing your family without a bunch of problems can be heart wrenching, she might even be jealous of a loving family.

    If your wife has addiction and abuse in her family she may want to try counseling and/or Al-Anon on her own. Be careful in recommending that, but it does help.

    2. FLY, please fly to this 50th anniversary party next year. 11 hours in a car each way is insane and I'm assuming cutting into a budget (both money and time off from work) to do something else together instead. 

    Yes your mom should have included you and your wife on the date so please politely remind her of that, but give her credit that's she's trying to give you a years notice since it clearly isn't an easy hop in the car and go on a whim trip. It's not like she can just move her 50th wedding anniversary around someone else's schedule.

    3. Have a calm conversation with your wife about your need to get out and see your friends. If she really doesn't want to go compromise and go by yourself. Give her advance notice and put a positive spin, she can watch what she wants on TV in her PJ's, have a whole night off to herself to relax. Again compromise, don't go out 3 - 5 times a week, but find a fair balance, maybe one weekend night a month, eventually she might want to go too.

    I'm also curious about how your family treats your wife, is she included in conversations and made to feel welcome? If not, speak to your family about including her more. An 11 hour drive each way just to be ignored is a lot of ask for even if it's just a couple of times a year.


  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    I'm not sure why you think hanging out with friends needs to be OVER now that you're married.  I'm happily married, and my H and I hang out with friends separately all the time!  We go together a lot too, but I have friends with a more "homebody" spouse who will go out without them, very frequently and it's not a problem.  In our world, as much as once a week would not be a big deal at all, provided your meeting your other home responsibilities.  I hope your wife won't mind if you go out by yourself to friends' houses sometimes.

    In terms of visiting family, I concur with PPs that you should fly for the 11-hour-drive visits.  Depending on what vehicles you have, it may even be cheaper.  I don't think it's wrong to want to visit your family 2-3 times a year, but if you guys have limited vacation time you do need to sit down and budget it out together.  Make sure that any vacations or time to unwind at home that your wife needs are in the plan too.  This might mean fewer visits to your family, or it might mean you do a long weekend on your own sometimes.  I'd also look at staying in a hotel.  I'm pretty extroverted and love my inlaws, but I feel very uncomfortable being a guest in ANYBODY's house for more than a day or two.  I just need my space and time to unwind.  

    I would also probably react poorly if my inlaws tried to tell me what I was doing a given weekend a year in advance.  I'd get over it, but I would be annoyed that I was voluntold, not invited.  I think you guys just need to communicate more about travel plans and get a little more comfortable with splitting from each other when it makes sense.  I'd also make it a priority to reschedule the other trip your wife was planning, pronto.  
  • Everyone here is making a big deal about the anniversary party saying that the in-laws were wrong for setting the date of the party without consulting everyone else.  when it comes to scheduling a party you can't set the date around when it's convenient for everyone, especially an anniversary or birthday.  It will never be convenient for everyone attending.  Their anniversary is a certain date and that's when they should have it, if everyone can come good if they can't then too bad.

    They are giving people a year's notice and that is nice enough of them and they are being very considerate with this action.

    In terms of your wife, I think she's being selfish and has a lot of insecurities.  She probably get's jealous of your relationship with your family and feels that you don't love her as much as you love them.  Just make sure that when you visit your family with her you are extra attentive to her and make her feel a part of the family and not an outsider sitting there watching you interact with your family.

  • As I said the parents can't reschedule their 50th wedding anniversary. I think the confusion for PP's here is that it seems like the MIL is demanding everyone attend this specific weekend 1 year in advance. Is your parents 50th wedding anniversary important? Absolutely. Is it that easy to commit when you live 11 hours a way by car? No. Hence why they're looking into planning now. I do agree that she's considerate to give a years notice to arrange for travel, childcare (if appropriate) and so on.


  • Alrighty... so... 50th anniversary is not 11 hours drive away... it's 5 hours. The 11 hours drive is to my sister and family. I live in Canada. The flight takes around 11 hours as well and costs close to $800each. We live in a small town, we have to drive 2 hours to a larger centre to get on the plane, the flight transfers in a large city, then continues onto the smaller destination city.. total time traveling around 10 - 12 hours. When we drive, we drive 5.5 hours, stay in a nice hotel, get up in the morning, drive the last 5 or so hours. It is what it is unfortunately, it's either do that or never see them and I'm not really willing to "never see them".

    I've already partially handled the whole "50th" thing. I've talked with my parents, asked them if we could plan it with my sisters so it works with our schedules as well. I'm the brother, and the middle child, so I'm the one tasked with making the peace and making sure everything works out for everyone :) .

    The getting together with friends thing is what it is now as well. Like I said we get together for dinner on Friday evening usually, 1-1.5 hours and usually Sunday brunch for and hour or so as well. I'm fine with our daily life, I'm happy, she's happy. I've adjusted, she's adjusted. I just made mention of it (and made mention to her about it) because I had felt that I had compromised enough about all this kind of stuff.

    As to the comments about calling my wife's family a "train wreck", I get that language from my wife :) . She would be the first one to call it a mess, she knows it, she's well aware. I know she is jealous of my sister's family and their kids, who are all very well adjusted and have fulfilling happy lives while her kids are not doing well at all so she feels it's just naturally "in her face" when we're around them... how could you not compare to your own kids and feel hurt that yours aren't like that... I get it, but it doesn't mean that we have to stop seeing them because her kids are not doing good. She needs to know that I'm not trying through them in her face, again, it just is what it is, and its unfortunate.

    As I also said, my family ADORES my wife. Are you kidding? She rescued their uncle/brother/son from a life of abject singleness :) . And she is one of the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. My family includes her in conversation all the time, they seek her out for her opinion. They talk about a lot of the same stuff. My nieces and nephews value her life advice greatly, she's had alot of experiences none of the people in my family have so she has a lot to give in that arena. She is not pushed to the side in any way whatsoever.

    I truly think my wife needs to learn over time that I've really compromised a lot in this vein and that we've kind of hit a wall where I can't really give any more on this specific issue. I'm pretty sure she knows that, or at least its becoming clearer. We've basically worked it all out for this time and hopefully in the future it will be a smoother ride.
  • You never answered whether your family ever comes to see you or are you and your wife the ones always going to see them.
  • Actually they'll all be here this Thursday until Monday. Doesn't happen often though, I mean there's 2 of us and like 7+ of them, it's easier for us to make the trek than them.
  • I am a homebody and would be completely happy if I never had to socialize again.  However, I know that's not quite normal, so I force myself to participate in these things, muscle through 'em, and just understand that my entire life is a struggle to get back to my good book, or my video game, or my jigsaw puzzle, or my gardening. My husband sort of likes socializing, depends on the people, but it sounds like you may be much more of a social butterfly than he is.

    Anyway, my husband and I solved this by coming to an agreement about "dividing and conquering."  I send him off to his family gatherings without me every once in a while, and I allow him to skip some of mine.  He plays golf with his friends once a week and my presence is not required. 

    I'm not sure if social people really appreciate the "sacrifices" we non-social people make for them every day.  I'm not saying that you aren't making sacrifices, but your wife is probably making them a lot more quietly, albeit at the same level.

    Nothing says that when you get married you have to spend all your time together.  Splitting up every once in a while gives you something to talk about when you spend time together.  That's what I've found.

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