Mother in-law issues

brittneyr81614 · June 2015

I am having issues with my mother in-law and I am afraid to be honest with her because she tends to overreact and blow things out of proportion. I have been married since August 2014 and planning the wedding was the most stressful and upsetting experience because of her. She would make wedding plans and decisions behind my back and then when I confronted her about it she made it seem like it was my fault and somehow I walked away feeling guilty.

Anyways....now I have been married for almost a year and I thought that after the wedding my relationship with her would improve but it didn't. She treats her son like he is a child and is constantly telling him how he should live his life and tells him how he should make his decisions. My mother in-law is in complete denial that my husband and I are going to be moving an less than a year and she is always trying to get him to make long term decisions that will keep him in this area so we would not be able to move. She also loves to tell us when we will have our children. Another thing that makes me really mad is that she decided to plan this trip across the country next summer except she forgot the part where she is supposed to ask us if that was ok or if we could somehow fit it in our schedule or be able to afford it. She keeps mentioning this trip even though my husband and I would be in the process of moving that summer and hopefully TTC. I feel like she is just really inconsiderate and It is causing me to stress out every single time we go over for family dinners. I have already tried confronting her before during the wedding disaster and it did not go well. (btw, When i confronted her previously I was very respectful and kind about it). I just have no idea what to do, I am at the point where I cannot wait to move away and I do not want to feel that way. I want to have a good relationship with her because my husband is close to his family. Any advice?

englishtrish1 · June 2015

This is really a husband problem, every time she makes plans, starts to try to run his life etc, he needs to step up and redirect her. Let the wedding shit go, it's done, you can't fix that now.

GilliC · June 2015

brittneyr81614 said:

I am having issues with my mother in-law and I am afraid to be honest with her because she tends to overreact and blow things out of proportion. I have been married since August 2014 and planning the wedding was the most stressful and upsetting experience because of her. She would make wedding plans and decisions behind my back and then when I confronted her about it she made it seem like it was my fault and somehow I walked away feeling guilty.

Anyways....now I have been married for almost a year and I thought that after the wedding my relationship with her would improve but it didn't. She treats her son like he is a child and is constantly telling him how he should live his life and tells him how he should make his decisions. My mother in-law is in complete denial that my husband and I are going to be moving an less than a year and she is always trying to get him to make long term decisions that will keep him in this area so we would not be able to move. She also loves to tell us when we will have our children. Another thing that makes me really mad is that she decided to plan this trip across the country next summer except she forgot the part where she is supposed to ask us if that was ok or if we could somehow fit it in our schedule or be able to afford it. She keeps mentioning this trip even though my husband and I would be in the process of moving that summer and hopefully TTC. I feel like she is just really inconsiderate and It is causing me to stress out every single time we go over for family dinners. I have already tried confronting her before during the wedding disaster and it did not go well. (btw, When i confronted her previously I was very respectful and kind about it). I just have no idea what to do, I am at the point where I cannot wait to move away and I do not want to feel that way. I want to have a good relationship with her because my husband is close to his family. Any advice?

^---- This. The two of you should discuss your concerns together, but he should be the one dealing with her.

Disneygeek77 · June 2015

Yup, focus on your husband not on her.

VOR · June 2015

Yup, another vote for dealing w your DH. If he isn't standing up to her, if he isn't the one saying "no", then none of this will ever go away.

And really- I'll say this too- if your DH won't, just simply won't, stand up to her, won't say no- think LONG AND HARD if this is really the man you want to have kids with. dont' delude yourself. Marriage didn't change him. Having kids won't change him either. He'll continue to LET (yes, let - he has a say in this too) his mom treat him like a child and he'll let her run ramshod over your parenting decisions.

Deal with HIM now and get him to start handling his mom.

Erikan73 · June 2015

How does your husband react to what his mom does? When she tells him how to think, does he do what she says to do or does he just blow it off? He does every thing that his mom says for him to do, then you have a serious issue. If he blows it off, maybe he figures it's better to just say "yes mom" but do what he wants to do to avoid her making a scene.

Depends on how your husband reacts to what his mom says I think makes a difference on how to handle things. You either have serious issues to deal with your husband, or just have to grin and bear it with MIL until you can move. Hopefully he's just nodding & agreeing with her to keep her quiet until you can move.

R.Wilsonny · June 2015

VOR said:

Yup, another vote for dealing w your DH. If he isn't standing up to her, if he isn't the one saying "no", then none of this will ever go away.
And really- I'll say this too- if your DH won't, just simply won't, stand up to her, won't say no- think LONG AND HARD if this is really the man you want to have kids with. dont' delude yourself. Marriage didn't change him. Having kids won't change him either. He'll continue to LET (yes, let - he has a say in this too) his mom treat him like a child and he'll let her run ramshod over your parenting decisions.

Deal with HIM now and get him to start handling his mom.

^ All of this.

Definitely hold off on having children until you get this mess with your H & MIL sorted out and that's IF you are able to sort things out at all. A child will not change things, and in fact might make things worse. Trust me - it's no fun being a new mom with a baby and having your MIL constantly barking orders at you on how to raise your kid. Or, if she's typically one who likes to always be the center of attention, insists on your H putting her needs before your kid's (and subsequently yours). Not even kidding - these kinds of people do exist.

Your H needs to man up and start putting you - the person he made vows to - first. I would tell him that he has a choice - upsetting his mommy or upsetting you, his wife. I don't want to go so far and say the D word, but if he can't stand up to his mom and start putting you first, you have a very big problem here.

Disneygeek77 · June 2015

R.Wilsonny said:

VOR said:

Yup, another vote for dealing w your DH. If he isn't standing up to her, if he isn't the one saying "no", then none of this will ever go away.
And really- I'll say this too- if your DH won't, just simply won't, stand up to her, won't say no- think LONG AND HARD if this is really the man you want to have kids with. dont' delude yourself. Marriage didn't change him. Having kids won't change him either. He'll continue to LET (yes, let - he has a say in this too) his mom treat him like a child and he'll let her run ramshod over your parenting decisions.

Deal with HIM now and get him to start handling his mom.

^ All of this.

Definitely hold off on having children until you get this mess with your H & MIL sorted out and that's IF you are able to sort things out at all. A child will not change things, and in fact might make things worse. Trust me - it's no fun being a new mom with a baby and having your MIL constantly barking orders at you on how to raise your kid. Or, if she's typically one who likes to always be the center of attention, insists on your H putting her needs before your kid's (and subsequently yours). Not even kidding - these kinds of people do exist.

Your H needs to man up and start putting you - the person he made vows to - first. I would tell him that he has a choice - upsetting his mommy or upsetting you, his wife. I don't want to go so far and say the D word, but if he can't stand up to his mom and start putting you first, you have a very big problem here.

Yes. I don't know what kind of vows you made but I imagine there was something along the lines of " To forsake all others and let no one come between." His mommy is included in the all others statement and you should never feel guilty for holding him accountable to the promises he made on your wedding day.

R.Wilsonny · June 2015

Disneygeek77 said:

R.Wilsonny said:

VOR said:

Yup, another vote for dealing w your DH. If he isn't standing up to her, if he isn't the one saying "no", then none of this will ever go away.
And really- I'll say this too- if your DH won't, just simply won't, stand up to her, won't say no- think LONG AND HARD if this is really the man you want to have kids with. dont' delude yourself. Marriage didn't change him. Having kids won't change him either. He'll continue to LET (yes, let - he has a say in this too) his mom treat him like a child and he'll let her run ramshod over your parenting decisions.

Deal with HIM now and get him to start handling his mom.

^ All of this.

Definitely hold off on having children until you get this mess with your H & MIL sorted out and that's IF you are able to sort things out at all. A child will not change things, and in fact might make things worse. Trust me - it's no fun being a new mom with a baby and having your MIL constantly barking orders at you on how to raise your kid. Or, if she's typically one who likes to always be the center of attention, insists on your H putting her needs before your kid's (and subsequently yours). Not even kidding - these kinds of people do exist.

Your H needs to man up and start putting you - the person he made vows to - first. I would tell him that he has a choice - upsetting his mommy or upsetting you, his wife. I don't want to go so far and say the D word, but if he can't stand up to his mom and start putting you first, you have a very big problem here.

Yes. I don't know what kind of vows you made but I imagine there was something along the lines of " To forsake all others and let no one come between." His mommy is included in the all others statement and you should never feel guilty for holding him accountable to the promises he made on your wedding day.

It's funny - half of my ceremony was in another language (one that I don't even speak), so really, I have no idea what I agreed to. LOL

Seriously though, I'm Catholic and this is the vow you make when you get married and I hold my husband accountable to that every single day. Even more so now that we have a child together.

brittneyr81614 · July 2015

Thank you all for your advice, it is just a very frustrating situation overall.

To answer your questions Erikan73, when she tells him what to do or how to live for the most part he just acknowledges her advice or orders and does not say much. When I try to speak to him about it later on he does not open up and discuss it with me, he usually keeps quiet. I just wish he would say something so she gets the hint, not to insult her or disregard her advice completely but just to let her know that these issues and decisions are not up to her or that they are not her decisions to make. I think his biggest issue is that he respects his mother so much that he does not want to hurt her feelings. Every time someone stands up to her or disagrees with her she does not handle it well. She is bold enough to tell us how we should live our lives but cannot handle the thought of her own son or daughter in-law disagreeing with her.

I do agree that he needs to be the one to handle the situation with his mother but I just do not think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. Maybe I just need to learn to laugh all of her comments off and disregard her statements like that, I am probably letting it get to me more than it should. What do you guys think?

englishtrish1 · July 2015

That wouldn't work for me, I'm assuming she is going to be around for a while and you plan on being married for ever, think about laughing it off for years. I'm a firm believer in boundaries, you cannot make her respect them but hold them firm and at least you might feel better.

R.Wilsonny · July 2015

brittneyr81614 said:

Thank you all for your advice, it is just a very frustrating situation overall.

To answer your questions Erikan73, when she tells him what to do or how to live for the most part he just acknowledges her advice or orders and does not say much. When I try to speak to him about it later on he does not open up and discuss it with me, he usually keeps quiet. I just wish he would say something so she gets the hint, not to insult her or disregard her advice completely but just to let her know that these issues and decisions are not up to her or that they are not her decisions to make. I think his biggest issue is that he respects his mother so much that he does not want to hurt her feelings. Every time someone stands up to her or disagrees with her she does not handle it well. She is bold enough to tell us how we should live our lives but cannot handle the thought of her own son or daughter in-law disagreeing with her.

I do agree that he needs to be the one to handle the situation with his mother but I just do not think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. Maybe I just need to learn to laugh all of her comments off and disregard her statements like that, I am probably letting it get to me more than it should. What do you guys think?

I'm going to be honest here - my MIL, FIL and sometimes even my BIL can be overbearing and a bit ridiculous at times too - but especially my MIL. And we've butted heads more times than I can count. My H was raised where you essentially do whatever the parents say, even as an adult. I was not raised this way and it is very hard dealing with his family when they don't take no for an answer. So I def see where you are coming from with your MIL trying to tell you guys what to do. Is the stuff she saying or doing coming from a malicious place or is it coming from a 'I care about you guys and what happens to you' place? The reason I'm asking this is ultimately, what you need to do is see which situations are 'hills to die on' and which ones are 'laugh it off and remind yourself of how ridiculous your MIL is being'. My IL's can really grate my nerves, but they are never doing stuff with a malicious intent, which is why it is sometimes hard to deal with because my H never sees a problem when they are only trying to 'help'. And btw, I've been dealing with this for 12 years - AND we have a child now, which makes it even more frustrating at times. Which is why I advised to wait to have children - sort this out now because otherwise it will get worse. It has gotten better for me because I found my voice and spoke up, but we still struggle every so often when my H forgets where his loyalty is supposed to lie. In those cases, I simply remind him where he can go if he doesn't like it

That being said - that does not mean you guys should be a doormat and bow down to whatever your MIL says - but definitely your H needs to put his foot down and tell his mother what's what. You both really need to sit down and talk about boundaries and what is acceptable and works for you and then stick with it. And I would even say maybe when he has this little chat with his mother, he does it in front of you so she knows that he is serious.

TarponMonoxide · July 2015

brittneyr81614 said:

I am having issues with my mother in-law and I am afraid to be honest with her because she tends to overreact and blow things out of proportion. I have been married since August 2014 and planning the wedding was the most stressful and upsetting experience because of her. She would make wedding plans and decisions behind my back and then when I confronted her about it she made it seem like it was my fault and somehow I walked away feeling guilty.

Sorry but when this battleaxe started to butt in you needed to order her to butt out.

And you should have stood your ground.

This was your wedding and your plans. Tell her where it's at...and then make sure you stick to your guns.

Stand up for your rights.

You can do the same now: she butts in, tell her to butt out and stick to your guns.

Anyways....now I have been married for almost a year and I thought that after the wedding my relationship with her would improve but it didn't.

What you saw was what you got. You thought she'd change? Amazing.

She treats her son like he is a child and is constantly telling him how he should live his life and tells him how he should make his decisions.

Here is where the problem is "her son's" problem -- is he a man or a mouse? Why isn't he standing up for himself? He is a grown man who needs to tell his mother to stick it.

My mother in-law is in complete denial that my husband and I are going to be moving an less than a year and she is always trying to get him to make long term decisions that will keep him in this area so we would not be able to move. She also loves to tell us when we will have our children. Another thing that makes me really mad is that she decided to plan this trip across the country next summer except she forgot the part where she is supposed to ask us if that was ok or if we could somehow fit it in our schedule or be able to afford it. She keeps mentioning this trip even though my husband and I would be in the process of moving that summer and hopefully TTC.

I would not TTC with him until he grew up, grew a spine, and started standing up for himself and for you.

Where did you find this gem????

I feel like she is just really inconsiderate and It is causing me to stress out every single time we go over for family dinners. I have already tried confronting her before during the wedding disaster and it did not go well. (btw, When i confronted her previously I was very respectful and kind about it). I just have no idea what to do, I am at the point where I cannot wait to move away and I do not want to feel that way. I want to have a good relationship with her because my husband is close to his family. Any advice?

Honey:

YOU are your husband's family now.

Not his mother or father or siblings: you and he are one family unit.

I suggest counseling for you and for him:

The 2 of you need to communicate better; the both of you have to be with the same opinion about this nasty lady: you bot have to stand together and tell her where it is at.

You and he have zero communication.

He needs counseling to grow a spine. I do not know if that is possible...

And you need it so you can start standing up for yourself. Why are you letting her boss you around and get the better of you? No need to be "nice" to her --- is she nice to you???

brittneyr81614 · July 2015

R.Wilsonny, I can definitely relate to your experiences. My husband was just raised to respect his parents highly and do as he was told. I love that he is so respectful to them but he is a grown man and needs to know how to "respectfully" tell them to back off sometimes.

I really think that my MIL is struggling with the fact that her baby boy is grown up and has a life of his own. The tone of voice she uses when telling us what to do with our lives is not in a suggestive manner, it is more of a controlling attitude, like there is no other option. She does not add insults or anything but she will also add in assumed assumptions without even asking us what our plans are. One example of this is when the subject of kids comes up she will throw in a random comment like, "When you two have kids in five years you will understand". With the subject of moving she would make comments like, "Well we will see what happens and discuss it later". We? Like why does that automatically include her in that decision? They are just annoying side comments that she makes constantly even though she has never even asked us what our plans or thoughts were. Mostly I just do not even want to include her in discussions like this because of the way she acts. Honestly if she did not say things like this I would probably be more open with her, but because of how controlling her nature is I never want to discuss important topics with her because it opens up a window for her to make even more comments.

Disneygeek77 · July 2015

Wow, just wow.

There is a difference between respecting your parents and giving into every whim, desire or demand. Did they raise him to to a strong independent adult who can use his own judgement to make his own decisions or did they raise him to be their obedient little boy forever ?

If he a grown, married man is still letting his mother intrude in his life and make important decisions, than he is showing the world that they didn't raise him right and that is disrespectful.

You are right, it is time to tell them to respectfully back off. He doesn't need to raise his voice or swear, but he needs to be firm and direct and tell his mom, " Mom, this is none of your concern and I am not going to discuss it anymore."

joness26 · July 2015

I understand your MIL situation because it is not unlike my own. My MIL was opposed to our relationship from the beginning because she was losing her baby. She made my husband choose between us early on. He chose me. He stands up for himself and us. He's made it clear to her that we're a package deal and if she treats me poorly she risks losing him. This has made a difference. She apologized for her past behavior and things have improved but are still not great between us and I suspect they never will. At least we can be in a room together now. She is who she is and she's not changing and I'm fine with it. I accept that we will never be close.
It is important to pick your battles. When she starts making the little side comments, gets controlling, or insults us we make our excuses and leave. We always make sure we're in a position to just walk away. We also limit the amount of time we spend with her. In addition sometimes I stay behind so she has alone time with him. When we are making life plans or discussing things we agree in advance on what will and will not be said to her. Basically she either doesn't need to know or will be told after a decision is made and she needs to know. We make it through as a team. Your husband needs to understand how you feel and you need to be on the same page.

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