Relationships
lotustone
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My fiance's mysterious sex life!
I graduated form law school and got engaged on the same day - life was
looking great! A month & a half later , he tells me his deepest
secret - he enjoys sex with other men. Early on in our relationship I
had inquired in the getting to know you stage and he said he's never had
any interests of that nature. During our 2.5yr relationship the
subject came up a time or two & I asked directly and he flatly lied.
He has always portrayed himself to be completely heterosexual - a
guy's guy - even throwing a few utterly reckless but harmless homosexual
jokes. I FEEL DECEIVED. Why did he wait until we got engaged and got
our families so completely in love and involved before opening up? Why
lie to start with?
It's as if we got engaged and suddenly the rules changed. I grew up in religious countries in which homosexuality was never talked about, never-mind embraced, therefore it's hard for me to understand. Moreso, even if I did understand I cannot relate on that primal level. For me, I am heterosexual only.
I shared with him my feelings of what it means to be in a committed relationship and for me sex outside of your commitment is not something I want now and not foreseeably. He use to say the same thing, but after this revelation I think we're on different pages about commitment. He expects me to understand and also embrace this like it was my choice and normal for me. I don't care what other people do and I will still love my children if they were homosexual but it's not what I wanted for myself. He knew my beliefs, choices and personal values all along as I have always been open and honest with him and he's said that he was completely open with me. I deeply love my fiance and I certainly know that he deeply loves me but I am having a hard time with all this. He clearly feels relieved but it's as if he took the weight off his shoulders and dumped it on my plate right in the middle of me studying for the biggest exam of my life. He wants me to say it's meaningless/insignificant... I can't, what now? Where do we go from here?
It's as if we got engaged and suddenly the rules changed. I grew up in religious countries in which homosexuality was never talked about, never-mind embraced, therefore it's hard for me to understand. Moreso, even if I did understand I cannot relate on that primal level. For me, I am heterosexual only.
I shared with him my feelings of what it means to be in a committed relationship and for me sex outside of your commitment is not something I want now and not foreseeably. He use to say the same thing, but after this revelation I think we're on different pages about commitment. He expects me to understand and also embrace this like it was my choice and normal for me. I don't care what other people do and I will still love my children if they were homosexual but it's not what I wanted for myself. He knew my beliefs, choices and personal values all along as I have always been open and honest with him and he's said that he was completely open with me. I deeply love my fiance and I certainly know that he deeply loves me but I am having a hard time with all this. He clearly feels relieved but it's as if he took the weight off his shoulders and dumped it on my plate right in the middle of me studying for the biggest exam of my life. He wants me to say it's meaningless/insignificant... I can't, what now? Where do we go from here?
Re: My fiance's mysterious sex life!
If this is something that you're not okay with and if you honestly don't think you'll ever be okay with it, you need to walk away. Yes, it sucks to walk away from someone you love, but marriage is more about compatibility than love. It's easy to love someone who is not a good match, but for a marriage to last, you need to be on the same page about the things that are important to you both. Love alone is not enough.
Dude. Don't marry him. The fact that you had to bring this up a "time or two".... um... you've known. You may not wanted to have admitted it, but somewhere in your head, you've known but you HOPED for something different.
Don't marry him. Don't stay THAT blind. He's told you his truth - BELIEVE HIM. He wants to have sex with men. Your marriage vows are not going to change that.
It's a LOT easier to end an engagement than a marriage. A LOT. Don't be a fool here. Listen to him. FULLY listen to him. Stop pretending and hoping for something that isn't there.
It is very possible he is still in the experimentation stage.
Or he is decidedly and definitely bi....or homosexual and is coming out of the closet.
It can be either one of the 3.
Have you asked him straight away "are you a homosexual?"
IF that is not where it's at, here is what you can do:.
1- Say goodbye if you simply are not comfortable with what you have discovered and what he has told you; don't marry this guy.
2-He could be bisexual. You could marry him anyway, if you are open to a bi husband. You can let him offer you the option of an open marriage; if you don't like that, you can say goodbye.
I personally would not marry this guy. Who knows where he's been and I would not want a husband who is not exclusively straight? I wouldn't wait for him to emerge from the experimentation stage, either -- that's common with lots of guys in their very early 20s.
PS: I just read your other post from over a year and a half ago.
Something is decidedly weird here...and something is decidedly not for you.
I suggest you say goodbye to him. Don't care what kind of "in love" your parents are; this is your life and not the life of either set of parents (yours or his). Make a decision that is right for you.
You need not explain anything to anybody. All you need to say is "I changed my mind." Nuff said. None of anybody's business why you ended ned
He didn't actually say that he wanted to have sex outside of our relationship. He hasn't cheated.
Problem is that we've lived together 1.5yrs and are practically married. We've bought a house, shared credit account, car, etc; we only have 1 bedroom...
I still haven't found peace in a decision to stay or leave yet and I want to be sure before I say goodbye. Right now saying goodbye is a very real possibility because I just look at him differently. It's a matter of trust.
I gave him a few days to think over what he wants for himself and to take into account what my needs are and really assess whether we still want the same things. Here's what he said,
Why he lied?
He just wanted to move past that period in his life and lead the life he wanted and now has. That was the past and will stay there. He feels there is a "purity" to our relationship and didn't want to destroy that. He didn't want to hurt me...
I think he lied out of fear that he'd lose me, first and foremost.
Why he told the truth now?
He trusts me. He didn't want our marriage to start with this secret. (Apparently it's been eating away at him) He couldn't honestly say that I was the closest person to him & continue hiding this from me. He hopes the truth will further strengthen our relationship and add to it what no gifts, trips, laughter and future experiences ever will...
My thoughts, I probably would had found out anyway. Anyhow he has 2 very close friends from med school who are aware.
Is he bisexual then?
No. He thinks sexuality is more fluid than those categories. He is not AT ALL attracted to men, it was just a different experience that he was curious about. He is physically and emotionally attracted to women and only dates/dated women. He doesn't see men at all the way that he sees women. He was single and essentially exercising his sexual freedom.
Still, he didn't sleep with men once or twice, it happened multiple times over the course of 3 years sleeping with both sexes when he was unattached. He says he's filled his curiosity & hasn't ever wanted to go continue with that in the last 3 - 4 years.
What he wants for himself ?
Nothing has changed. He was simply pointing out that many people have good marriages and there isn't just one way to have a successful marriage. (My thoughts - well obviously, that's beside the point.) He wants what we've always said we wanted. He wants a life and family with me. He wouldn't had asked me to marry him if he had any doubts that I wouldn't continue to make him happy.
My concern is that he can't/won't even consider the possibility that maybe we're a little more different than we'd like to admit. Minus this new revelation I'd say we were ideally complementary and shared very similar desires and have well matched personalities. I worry that he can't imagine life without me and so he'll tailor his answers to suit my needs. (Also, I worry that because he comes from a family where his parents have been together over 40 years and continue to make each other happy, his grandparents 70 years - he also wants the same thing...) He seems sincere but now my trust and respect for what he says has significantly lowered. I don't want to deprive him of a happy life and I feel that I deserve the same.
One thought - if I'd met him 20yrs from now and he told me that he had experimented with men way back when, I surely wouldn't think much of it, but here I am right now...I called a couple of rental properties today.
Say goodbye to him and do it now.
Do it now before you are tempted to look at gowns, invitations and do it now before you book vendors. Do it now while you are still pretty much free and clear of the entire wedding planning lure.
Do so in a public place.
You need not give a "gone with the wind" speech. "John, I am moving on. We are not right for each other. Do not call me and do not attempt to rekindle. I am putting myself first."
That is all you need say.
It is awfully funny these 2 "friends" of his know about his feelings for men...his sexual feelings for men.
This is awfully odd.
This is not exactly a thing that you tell your male buddies, if you are a guy.
This runs much more deeply than what he is telling you.
There's nothing here for you. As Disnegeek pointed out, you can't keep thinking he's something he is not: what he is is what he is and what you see is what you get.
Break it off now before this problem becomes permanent for you...in other words do it now before you make the egregious error of marrying this creep.
I also don't like what his behavior was like in the other post you submitted. What silliness and wow, these are fully grown people in their 20s??? Amazing.
I'd say we were ideally complementary and shared very similar desires and have well matched personalities.
How can you be ideally complementary if this type of confession already exists between you and him?
How are you "ideally complementary" if you cannot be certain he is 100% heterosexual?
You are, like I said, making the most egregious of errors if you continue the relationship with him, let alone marry this guy. THere's nothing here for you is right. Find another guy who is sexually desirous of you and you only. There are plenty of them out there.
Don't do it unless you can honestly have an open mind or he crushed over and over agian that's me with my current relaionship. I'm like at the end while I'm In the same boat as you I can't handle dealing with the lie similar to yours and it eats who you are until there is nothing left. I want to know why do I let them lie to me and I know it but deny deny deny it when we both know he rub it's never brought up ever cause she gets all defensive. I'm so unhappy that I'm on serious depress pills so I ant kill myself. It's not a happy choices you may feel this it. But it probably won't me up on a god note unless you just ignor he lies. Then it will be great.
Either that, or he will deny it flatly that he is having sex with other men.
You can't trust him is the bottom line and I still find it odd that these other 2 buddies from med school just happen to know he freely admitted he likes having sex with men -- as I said, this isn't a normal thing a guy tells a pal.
I don't know where the OP went --- hopefully she's dropped this guy like a bad habit and is on her way to get some counseling --- counseling would be a great idea, being that your hopefully now ex-FI told you he likes to have sex with men.