D&(ed if i do, D&^ed if I don't.....

kannf1982 · June 2015

So, my husband needed to get his credit in order when we got married last year...as in, he had NO credit cards for years, and had a couple medical bills in collections from 2009 when he was unemployed. He had no other debts, which is good. Also, even though he makes six figures, he had no savings...the guy just wasn't great with budgeting, planning, reading up on what you need for a good credit score, etc.

We paid for our wedding out of pocket last year which was good, but after it and the reception was all over, he had no debt (i have student loans) and we needed to start saving for a house. I let him know 1. he has a bit of a spending problem to make as much as he does and not have anything to show for it, and 2. he needs to check his credit scores.

Well as i suspected his credit scores needed work, so i got him to pay the medical bills (unfortunately it doesnt removed them from your report but at least theyre paid), and after a solid 12 months of hassling he FINALLY opened up a credit card (he doesnt get that its BAD to have no positive credit activity on your report!!!). I also had to sit down and walk him through several excel spreadsheets i made, including one with all out of pocket up front costs to house buying showing what we'd need, and how long it would take us to save that much.

Im just so frustrated bc he is SO ADHD and every month the last day of the month rolls around and i remind him to put the money in savings. I also have hassled him a lot lately bc one credit card boosted his score and the mortgage lady suggested he get a couple more so maybe in 12 months or so it'll be up more. he just drags his feet so bad, and isn't great at staying on task...like, everything positive he's done with respect to 1. saving and 2. boostign his credit has been stuff that i made him do, after a LOT of hassling...and he has thanked me for helping getting him on track.

What's tough is like, today is June 30th and again he hasnt deposited what he had planned to put in for June...so i just emailed him to remind him. AS ALWAYS he gets pissy and defensive and says "stop hassling me i am capable of doing these things myself."

Its so frustrating to get guilted like that, bc he hasn't done any of these things by his own volition thus far. like, it isn't TRUE....but i am made out to be the bad guy.

He is great at living within his means and paying his bills, and putting money into retirement each month, so guess what? he's never heard one word about any of those from me. but the savings and credit building?? NO!! hes been lackadaisical about these and ive only seen him take action when i remind him ten times.

UGH sorry i am just venting. its frustrating bc 1. i say do something, 2. he doesnt 3. i say do it ten more times 4. he gets annoyed that i am hassling him 5. he FINALLY does it 6. he sees his score go up, or our savings go up, and 7. after the fact he points out hes happy i am getting on him about stuff and happy with the way things are going and thinks ive been good for him in this regard.

but then the cycle repeats.

I emailed him back after his snippy response and said im sorry, it is just the last day of the money and didnt see the money in savings so i thought id remind him, that i wasnt out to get him or anything, just trying to keep us on track.

vlagrl29 · June 2015

This is when I'm glad we do everything joint so I have full control of it all. The only thing I don;t have total control over is when DH need to do a transfer from his business account into our checking. I always have to send him a reminder between 1-3pm on that day so we will have it in our account the next day.

Xstatic3333 · June 2015

I'm sorry your're frustrated. This sounds like a situation where money communication has turned a little toxic and you need to reevaluate your strategies together. I've been there! Some suggestions that helped us:

1) Most couples find they get on the same page better with a joint account. Have you looked into this? We actually do have separate checking accounts since we were all set up that way before marriage, but we do a joint budget and consider all money "ours." This doesn't work well for everyone, however. We have the unusual situation of making about the same and having the same amount of debt, which avoids any resentment.

2) Are you doing a written budget? Without one we'd be completely lost. I make sure to make H help with it too-he needs some "unstructured" money for toothpaste, haircuts, etc., whereas I will itemize things down to paper towels. A little of each works best for us, and without his input he'd be very frustrated with my systems.

3) We had almost the exact same fight about him forgetting to put money into savings about 6 months into our budgeting together. He felt like I was always nagging him and not leaving him enough slush money, while I felt he was not appreciating my efforts to get our finances in order. What we decided on is that he would transfer all money destined for savings to me ON PAYDAY. I would remind him once, by email, and again that evening if he hadn't done it yet. After that, I'd trust him to follow the budget and not nag about it. This works well for us. Again, I always made sure to get his input on how much was going to savings. This little system helped us a lot, because we both agreed on what would work.

4) My H had some credit building to do as well. Although opening one card to use responsibly is one way to do it, I'd be a little skeptical of the advice you got to have him open several. Also, have you talked about why he doesn't want a card? Is he afraid he would overspend and build debt? If there is any risk of that it may not be worth it for him to have one.

als1982 · June 2015

Can you just apply for the mortgage using your credit score? It's way less stressful and a much smarter decision to buy a house as a couple that you could reasonably afford on one income. I know you're just venting, but IMO you're putting WAY to much emphasis on this credit score issue. Just let it go and start picking your battles, like increasing savings, being smarter with money in general, etc.

simplyelise · June 2015

This is one reason why I don't understand how separate finances work for long term planning. Any chance you guys would consider having one account that both your paychecks get deposited into? Then when you plan your budget for the month (or at least make savings goals together), you can do all of that out of the same pot. If you definitely have to keep things separate, why not see if he will set up an automatic transfer after each paycheck to deposit to savings?

If it were me and I was having such a hard time getting on the same page as my DH, I probably wouldn't want to be racing towards buying a house. Your husband needs to start communicating more and taking more responsibility, and you both need to agree on the same plan for getting to your longer term goals. Until that happens, I'd chill with renting. That would also give his credit score plenty of time to rebound from the old bad debt.

dragonstarjk · June 2015

I didn't read all of the responses, but one thing that I think would be easy to address--make the savings deposit automatically.

H used to be bad about putting money in savings because he just found it one more bill/hassle to worry about. Now it is scheduled to transfer automatically every month. He doesn't have to worry about it and I don't have to nag him. Problem solved.

P.S. We have separate accounts and it totally works for us, so it is doable if that is what you want. You HAVE to have better communication though.

hoffse · June 2015

He does need to build credit, but it's a very slow process. If he has collections on his account it's probably not going to be as high as desired by next year, regardless of what he does. I agree with als1982 that you should look to apply with just your credit. You guys will be approved for a lower amount, but there's nothing wrong with that. You really don't want to be overextending yourselves. And frankly, I wouldn't want to rely on his income to afford a mortgage if he's kind of bad at keeping track of that sort of stuff.

For H and I, both of our paychecks are direct deposited into one joint account, and I just take it from there. H looks at the bank account occasionally, but he focuses more on the CC bills/day-to-day spending, and I'm typically the one who moves all the money around between banks, savings accounts, etc. Would something like that work for you guys? We really have nothing to fight about when we do it this way because I just take care of it and H trusts me to do it.

I get you are frustrated. This kind of thing would frustrate me too. But obviously the method you guys are using isn't working well, and a more constructive thing might be to consider other options. If you are reminding him 8, 9, 10 times a month I can see that getting VERY old for your husband too - not going to lie, I absolutely hate it when people nag me and I've been known to drag my feet intentionally when that happens. Think about other options you guys have to approach your finances together and talk to your husband about it. There's no shame in abandoning your current plan and trying something different.

hoffse · June 2015

One more thing - I think Elise gave really good advice about not rushing toward a house. You guys need to get on the same page, and you really REALLY need to have a good emergency fund in place (that will remain in place after closing), plus a good slush fund for the first year.

Even if you made spreadsheets, etc. I can almost promise you that you have low-balled what you are likely to spend in your first year.

By way of example... we closed on our first house early August of last year. During last year's 4th of July sale at Home Depot, H and I bought paint for the house and spent about $780. My CC got declined at the cash register because AmEx thought it was fraudulent activity. I had never spent that much at a cash register before.

One year later? Shoot, we have spent $700+ so many times it doesn't even seem like very much money to me anymore.

Granted, we bought a house that needed some work and we have put some serious money into it for that reason... but there are things we didn't anticipate that we have paid for in the last year - insulating our attic, a new water heater when ours died, mitigating a flood in our basement, upgrading portions of our electric when a handyman found exposed hot wires in our attic touching beams (that the inspector failed to mention), and told us it was a miracle our house hadn't burned down... not to mention the furniture, decor, lawn and garden equipment, etc.

The spending is finally starting to slow down after about a year. But I can't tell you how badly I low-balled these estimates a year ago. I'm very compulsive and had numerous spreadsheets, with lots of research behind it - didn't matter, I was still way off.

A house is not something to rush into. I suggest giving yourselves some time to work out your financial differences and build up your savings way more than you think you will need.

abrewer5 · June 2015

dragonstarjk said:

I didn't read all of the responses, but one thing that I think would be easy to address--make the savings deposit automatically.

H used to be bad about putting money in savings because he just found it one more bill/hassle to worry about. Now it is scheduled to transfer automatically every month. He doesn't have to worry about it and I don't have to nag him. Problem solved.

P.S. We have separate accounts and it totally works for us, so it is doable if that is what you want. You HAVE to have better communication though.

I agree with everything in here. Can he just set up an allotment with his work to go his savings everytime he gets paid? Take the montly amount he wants to save and cut it in half and then put that much of every pay automatically into a savings. This would remove the need to nag him about him savings.

I'll also agree with the others that have said try qualifying on your own. Building credit is not a quick process, his score likely won't be where you think, especially with collections on the account, by next year.

ETA: I also agree with @hoffsee whatever you think you need money wise for a house increase that by 25-50%. Also, make sure you have a least 3 months of expenses in savings before buying that does not get touched for down payment, closing costs, furniture, etc. You would not believe how quickly things add up.

brij2006 · June 2015

Sorry you're running into this, but it sounds like you're mothering him rather than being his wife with these financial decisions. Sit down together and make a gameplan that you both agree on. A budget that you both agree to, and combine your money.

My H and I were very "his and hers" and I told him what our budget was and what he couldn't spend, up until about a year ago. It got us nowhere but into fights and definitely not on the same page. It wasn't until we read The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, that we both understood how we needed to treat money in order to win with it. I highly recommend it. Now we never fight about money. Ever.

Erikan73 · June 2015

I think the best thing to do to figure out a monthly budget including how much you want to put into savings each month towards a new home and any other financial goals you have. Sit down with him & review them & tell him, between the two of us, we need to contribute this much to checking to cover our bills. We need to contribute this much to savings each month to reach our goals. And also figure out a fair amount of money each month that each of you gets to do whatever you want with "mad money or allowance" but money you can spend however you want and don't have to answer for how it was spent. Then each of you have the money direct deposited into the needed accounts. This way you are both saving money, you can make sure the bills get paid, but you can both have some of your own money, and you will eventually reach your financial goals. But figure this out soon because you don't want financial matters to be the cause of any fights. For me and my husband, he doesn't like dealing with bills & stuff so we agreed what he need to have deposited each pay & I make sure all the bills are paid. 95% of our bills are set up for automatic withdrawal, so there isn't much I have to worry about with paying the bills as long as the money is there.

Sisugal · June 2015

Read Smart Couples Rich by David Bach --- good for helping couples get on the same page financially. Do the exercises separately then share.

1) I second the idea of all money going into one pot from which all household expenses and savings is paid out.
2) I also recommend some money transferred to individual accounts for personal spending or savings - with no accountability for that money. How much each is negotiated based on what is remaining after the above plan #1 allows.

I am always surprised at how common it is for people to not have serious money discussions prior to marriage.

MommyLiberty5013 · July 2015

I'm caught on one thing...is your DH's paycheck direct-deposited into his bank account? You said, "He hasn't deposited the money yet into savings." That makes me think he doesn't have direct deposit set up at all.

Is he paid in cash?

vlagrl29 · July 2015

Sisugal said:

Read Smart Couples Rich by David Bach --- good for helping couples get on the same page financially. Do the exercises separately then share.

1) I second the idea of all money going into one pot from which all household expenses and savings is paid out.
2) I also recommend some money transferred to individual accounts for personal spending or savings - with no accountability for that money. How much each is negotiated based on what is remaining after the above plan #1 allows.

I am always surprised at how common it is for people to not have serious money discussions prior to marriage.

Right?! Dh and I did some pre marital counseling with our minister prior to our wedding. It wasn't mandatory but we both thought it would be great. Part of that was writing up a budget for us - figuring out what all bills we each had, what our money goals were. I even made sure DH and I sat down and went over each other's credit scores and any debts we had.

cbee817 · July 2015

DH and I lived together for about 2 years prior to being married. I just started my job and bought a condo. He was still working on his undergrad and I was in grad school too. I feel like that helped a lot- we brought everything to the table and kept things separate until we got married. His main goal was to pay for grad school in cash (which he did). I knew from the beginning his undergrad SL debt, what he had in savings, checking, and that he had no credit card debt (yay!). He knew that I had $0 in SL debt (thank you scholarship, mom, and work), what I had in savings, checking, the mortgage, and no credit card debt (yay!). We were a team from the day we moved in together and there were no secrets- it helped us invest in the relationship and each other.

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