Step kids and ex wives... HELP!

Starlet514 · July 2015

Married just over a year but together more than 3 years. My two teenage step-kids (son/daughter) live with my husband and I - aside from the usual teenage attitude that comes out on occasion we all get along great - both kids have both said I am more of a mother to them than their real mom.. which is sweet and not the normal step-mom situation.
When we were first dating my husbands ex-wife took the kids every other weekend for one night and one evening during the week which has always been less than what the divorce agreement was but it was something... flash forward 2 years... they have had an overnight TWICE in the past 2 years and she takes them only for a few hours at a time on the weekends... The kids idolize their mom and are always looking forward to spending time with her (especially my stepson who is suffering from severe depression - which is a huge added stress on the household) but she lets them down every single time and it is seriously affecting the mojo in the house!
Ex-wife also ruined our 1 year anniversary by backing out last minute on taking the kids for the weekend!! The lack of "couple time" is not beneficial but I am more concerned about the impact on the kids! My husband is great but he doesn't push the ex-wife to hold up her end of the divorce agreement AT ALL anymore... we have plans to make a "schedule" and sit down together to go over it... but I have doubts she will follow it. Things were supposed to be 50/50 with regards to time/money... but the reality is things have slipped to 90/10! She even let the kids go without health insurance because she didn't want to pay - so now we are paying for it.
And no - she is not a drug addict and has a job making more money than I do... just plain and simple a DEAD BEAT MOM.
And not even getting into the money aspect... just plain and simple TIME. How can I support him without being the nagging wife? I need time without the kids around to clean/relax and the kids need time with their mom... everyone wins??? Right???

Disneygeek77 · July 2015

You can't force her to be something she's not. She's not a good mom, she just isn't. I understand they need to spend time with her, that realistically that isn't going to happen. You and your husband need to come to terms with that, but most of all the kids needs to come to terms with that fact that she isn't the mom they need or deserve.

Personally, if it was me I would approach it as it she isn't around at all. Sign the kids up for family counseling as this is a very hard thing for them to go through and start to document all the time she shirks her responsibility, then maybe after time you can take her back to court for expenses.

Also, don't bad mouth her in front of them. She will always be their mother and they will always love her.

TarponMonoxide · July 2015

She lets them down?

Your H needs to reel her in on this. It is her responsibility to not disappoint her kids and to show her kids what dependability and love is.

englishtrish1 · July 2015

Is the custody, money, health insurance etc court ordered? If so your H needs to lawyer up. I would recommend therapy for both kids.

VOR · July 2015

At a MINIMUM, your DH needs to do what he can to help the kids navigate the fact that their mom is a dead beat. Counseling, perhaps. But something. They need to understand that this is not THEIR fault. This is entirely about her.

Past that, I agree, if the money and what not is court ordered, I'm not sure why your DH is letting her off the hook. He can't force her to spend time w/ her kids, but he can force her to be financially responsible.

To this: I need time without the kids around to clean/relax

You lose me here, TBH. You married a man w/ children. Reasons aside, there is always a chance that they will be w/ you 24/7. I don't know if you plan on having kids, but if you do... What do you think life will be like? You won't have any exes to swoop in and take your child when you feel you need time w/o the child.

Starlet514 · July 2015

We do lots of counseling... stepson even goes 6 days a week! They are old enough (14 and 15) and realize that she is not the mom she should be but that doesn't change the fact that they really want her to be, which is hard... Part of the next step with counseling is actually to bring their mom in for some sessions which should get pretty interesting. The divorce is actually 8 years ago at this point but the mom has been more distant and uninvolved at the kids have gotten older.
We are both very cautious about saying bad things in front of the kids - DH has always been very good about that! I also feel it's not always my place to be saying ill things about her even to DH - so I keep that to myself and my gf's for wine night!!
DH has been trying to avoid going back to court because he is fearful it will result in the kids mom coming around even less. Yes - she should be keeping up her end of the bargain financially/health insurance/etc and unfortunately court again seems to be the direction things are heading.
We generally make our plans and just go about life-as-usual - the hiccups come when the kids think mom is coming and then she doesn't or when we think she is coming and doesn't or when she changes days without letting know... so it's frustrating! Communication has gone downhill FAST... it makes it hard to plan much of anything!
@VOR - No more kids for us - never part of our plan. Yes - I married a man with kids - but it was a man with kids 50% of the time... not 95% of the time as it is now... it's an adjustment for me too which I am working on! The house is simply easier to clean when I don't have 3 people messing it up behind me as a go or getting in the way as I clean!! Our chore chart has not taken the priority in development that I had hoped for with behavioral/depression issues with the kid(s) - but I am hopeful in the next month we can get the house going!!!
Thanks for the advise - fingers crossed over here...

KyraNerys · July 2015

Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives. As a mom myself, I am always dumbfounded when I hear about a woman basically just walking away from her CHILDREN at any point in their lives. My sister-in-law took off and abandoned a 9 year old and a 1 year old. No abuse involved, she just wanted to start dating, drinking and karaokeing.

Best of luck to you and bless you for showing these kids what a real mom does, even if you aren't a biological one.

R.Wilsonny · July 2015

What a crappy situation to be in. You always hear about the dead beat dads and almost never hear about the mothers that turn out to be deadbeats. I don't understand how anyone can do that to their children.

OP, one small suggestion for those times when mother of the year is supposed to take the kids and winds up being a no show. In those situations, have a plan B ready - like something you can do with the kids that day/weekend - that way you can hopefully get their minds off the disappointment of their mother not showing (and reinforcing to them that you guys are the dependable parent figures). Obviously this is the least of your worries, but something to at least help get them through the bs with their mother. And also another vote for counseling, which you said you guys are doing already.

janined22 · July 2015

Hi, I completely understand your position and feel for you. My husband has 3 boys from a marriage before me and we have a son together. It is difficult to get a moment to yourself even with your own kids. What I would do is when I wanted to spend the day cleaning and then when finished enjoy a moment of relaxation while reading a good book is I would ask my husband to take our son and his kids out to either bowling, lunch/ice cream afterwards, a movie, anything to get them out of the house. So maybe you can plan a day out for your husband and his kids this way they are enjoying time with their dad and you get a moment to yourself because we all do need a moment of tranquility now and then.

R.Wilsonny · July 2015

janined22 said:

Hi, I completely understand your position and feel for you. My husband has 3 boys from a marriage before me and we have a son together. It is difficult to get a moment to yourself even with your own kids. What I would do is when I wanted to spend the day cleaning and then when finished enjoy a moment of relaxation while reading a good book is I would ask my husband to take our son and his kids out to either bowling, lunch/ice cream afterwards, a movie, anything to get them out of the house. So maybe you can plan a day out for your husband and his kids this way they are enjoying time with their dad and you get a moment to yourself because we all do need a moment of tranquility now and then.

It's funny you mention this because I was recently reading something about the importance of having a 'date afternoon/night' with your kids. Def a great idea.

Starlet514 · July 2015

I have been encouraging my husband to spend time with just him and the kids, although it's tough to find something that they all want to do ! I think it's great that the four of us do so much together and get along but I also think it's really important that the 3 of them get time alone and keep a really strong bond. We also do individual "date nights" with the kids which is nice - I get the all the juicy details my stepdaughter doesn't want to tell her dad when we go get nails done or go ice skating! And my stepson tends to open up much more when it's just us - although I always have to promise not to tell his dad I found out about things first!
In the beginning my husband kept tell the kids "now you have the family you've always wanted" - but after many discussion I have been able to stop that sentence from coming out of his mouth - we may be a family but it's not (unfortunately) the family the kids have "always wanted".... I think it's the family my husband always wanted which is sweet...
Thanks for the support - still keeping my fingers crossed that "mom of the year" might step up! She has currently agreed to re-start weekend sleepovers starting mid July... but I am not holding my breath...

janined22 · July 2015

Good luck and keep up the great job, they are so lucky to have you in their lives!!!!

Step kids and ex wives... HELP!

Re: Step kids and ex wives... HELP!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards