Am I Being Unreasonable? Mean?

Re: Am I Being Unreasonable? Mean?

• Disneygeek77 member

  

  July 2015

  Nope, not unreasonable.  He isn't being very respectful and I wouldn't appreciate my husband treating me like that.  I stay at home with my kids and I do at least half of the housework.  If I didn't have the kids, then I would be doing the majority.  

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• STBCooper member

  

  July 2015

  I do feel disrespected. I absolutely cannot stand the double standard on housework either. During the week I'm barely home to even help with making the house a mess. I was surprised to hear him admit that he would expect more out of me if I was unemployed. I'm so frustrated.

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  July 2015

  You should be.  That is unacceptable.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  Your post is about the trillionth of this kind on this board. Common...and he has to pitch in, even if he is fully employed.
  
  You did not sign on to be his housekeeper or his laundress.  

  
  

  STBCooper said:

  My husband got laid off 15 months ago. He helps around the house by going grocery shopping, yard work, straightens up the kitchen, does the finances/bills and throws laundry in but doesn't fold or put away the clothing. With my commute and picking up as much overtime I can get I'm away from home about 60 hours a week and tired.

  
  

  
  

  Sign of the employment times:
  
  

   I haven't said one thing to him about unable to find a job (it's out of his control) but he still expects me to clean the house while he only does what I've mentioned above.

  
  

  Am I being unreasonable to think he should do more cleaning around the house while he's at home unemployed? We don't have children and it's just him alone at home while I'm at work. I asked him this morning to clean his own bathroom because my feet and legs hurt from this week at work. (I'm an OR nurse) He got upset and acted like I was being unreasonable.

  
  

  This is where the buck stops there: he isn't a middle schooler: he's your H.

  
  

  
  

  I made the point that if I was unemployed at home then he absolutely would expect me to keep a spotless house and he agreed! I've been sensitive to his feelings about being unemployed and haven't asked anything of him for these past 15 months. I'm now getting frustrated and developing a mindset of a strike lol.

  
  

  This is where it's a fine line: there is only so much job hunting you can do; great for his leisure time but not all day and all week :
  
  

  He hangs at home and plays XBox most of the days or screws around on his iPad. I want to know any suggestions or if anyone else has been in this situation. Thanks in advance.

  Dusting, doing the laundry, cleaning off the countertops in the kitchen and keeping his bathroom tidy is not much to ask.
  
  Nor is making a meal for the both of you for the entire week!
  
  On Sunday -- this is what I do, anyway, and I think it is a great idea and a timesaver --- I cook and make one item that will be good for dinner the entire week.
  
  I make a meatloaf or a turkey breast, stew, lasagna, meatballs, chili or something else that is easy to heat up for dinner and easy to add variations to all week ---turkey with a side of vegetables and a salad, for example. (Turkey sandwich you can bring to lunch or turkey salad to bring, also)
  
  He can certainly do that, also. He can cook and make one large dinner item that will be good for the whole week
  

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  July 2015

  If he was living alone and was single, guess what...he would have to be doing all of this on his own!
  
  Making dinner, keeping his place clean and doing what he's supposed to do so that he doesn't live in a stinking, squalloring pigpen.
  
  So what's his problem? He needs to get moving and pitch in, no questions asked. 

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• dgrau89 member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  del

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• short+sassy member

  

  July 2015

  OP, I am in a very similar situation.  You are not alone!  My H was also laid off about two years ago and hasn't worked since then.  He also hasn't been as active on his job search as he should be.

  He does slightly more of the housework, but not much.  My bigger beef is we have a lot of major projects we need to get done for our house.  Three of them have been started...one of them is almost finished.  Seriously!?!  It's been two years!  (As I rant to the Internet instead of to my H).  He should have had them all done, plus started on a few more by now.

  On the good side, I have a flexible pt job that he does most of the work for.  But still, that is only about 8 hours/week of his time.

  I'm with you.  I KNOW it's so frustrating.  Because I know he spends the majority of his time watching tv/on the internet, while I'm working f/t, plus p/t at the above mentioned job plus other short side gigs I am constantly picking up.

  It's a delicate balance that I obviously have not gotten right, lol.  Nag too much about house chores and/or job searches and it depresses and de-motivates people, nag too little and nothing gets done.  It's hard to not be resentful when it has gone on for such a long time.

  Even more ironic, he makes substantially more money than I do when he is working.  Oh!  Not that I've ever enjoyed that.  We always kept our finances separate and split things 50/50 before we got married...and then he was laid off one month after we got married.  Lovely (sarcasm).

  Sorry, OP, I seemed to not be able to help myself and went off on my own rant!

  He has a big job interview Thursday.  I'm trying not to be too hopeful, but am just praying-praying-praying.  I'm just so tired of carrying the burden alone.   

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• Knottie1436022186 member

  

  July 2015

  My ex-husband was like that, but worse. I work 60 hours a week, either school or work a full seven days a week, so I'm obviously pooped when I get home. If I skipped school to have a day off, he would immediately tell me what I needed to get done around the house. (It was never up to me, he always had an agenda for me) If I took my time doing it, like showering and putting makeup on and eating lunch before hopping to my duties, I'd get yelled at when he got home.

  Straight up yelled at because I didn't do what he had asked. Keep in mind my husband was only working a mere 30 hours a week, and coming home and doing whatever he wanted.
  Sometimes he would help with housework, but when he did he only did bare minimum. He would do laundry all day, and I'd come home after a twelve hour day at school to a bed full of unfolded laundry he saved for me.

  If I didn't start on it right away, I'd get yelled at and nagged until it got done, which would be into the wee hours of the night because of course, dinner has to be made. "Thanks for the help, honey...NOT"

  
  

  It is not fair, it is not equal. Lay down the law lady! At least stand your ground and don't let it continue if you can't stand it. You're not asking much of your husband to complete household chores while you're gone. That's part of having a home, not having a wife. 
  What I wish I would have done was stop trying to spare his feelings and letting him tell me what to do all the time.
  Stand up for yourself, calmly approach him and say look, these are my concerns and this is how they are affecting me. What can we do to change our lifestyle/routine? Express how it makes you feel, express what you are expecting of him, and make it clear your intentions are not to hurt feelings or pride, but to simply balance things out.
  

  Good luck!

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  July 2015

  I can't imagine what he does with his days.  Looking for a job should take up a large amount of time, but not all.  And the above mentioned things he does around the house are... minimal.  He should be doing most, if not all of the cleaning, and taking general responsibility for the house.

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